Yeah, so I was bored.
I hope you like it. Also, I'm not sure whether the list is funny enough... so apologies for that. This is Remus/Sirius slash :)
50 Things Sirius Black Is Not Allowed To Do
1) Sing 'Baby Got Back' at the top of his lungs dressed in a tight leather mini-skirt.
2) Make endless sexual innuendos about bananas.
3) Take pictures of himself while showering and then sell them to the female population of Hogwarts.
4) Give Remus a makeover while he is asleep.
5) Ask the potions professor whether the day's assignment can be used a sexual lubricant.
6) Sign his essays 'Seriously Sexy Sirius'.
7) Deliberately invite Moaning Myrtle to the Prefect's bathroom to watch while Remus and he are 'bathing' together...
8) ...And then pretend to know nothing about it of course.
9) Buy Remus a flea collar and then attempt to strangle him with it.
10) Encourage first years to make friends with the Whomping Willow.
11) Paint a regular golf ball gold, glue wings to it and then replace the snitch with it.
12) Transfigure Remus into a puppy and name him 'Squishy'
13) Introduce an official 'Hug a Slytherin Day'.
14) Steal Lily's bras...
15) ... and then force James to wear the sexiest one over his school robes.
16) Run through the school naked with 'S.O.B' written on his chest in melted chocolate....
17) ... and then loudly ask Remus to lick it off.
18) Convince Remus that all the books in the library have been stolen and that it is closing down.
19) Tell everyone that James' mum looks like Voldemort.
20) Write a book about different sexual positions with graphic diagrams, using Remus' teddy and a house elf as the models.
21) ... And then claim that James' broomstick told him to do it.
22) Tell first years that Filch regularly abuses his cat.
23) Tell First years that Filch is the Voice of God.
24) Ask Professor Flitwick if he knows where Snow White lives.
25) Pop a balloon in the middle of one of Dumbledore's speeches.
26) Squirt ketchup on his forehead and then tell Remus he fell off of the Astronomy Tower.
27) Slip 'used' condoms in James' bed before he and Lily come up to do their 'stuff'.
28) Refer to Remus as a 'sex crazed wolf' in public.
29) Tell people that it's Remus' Time of the Month when he tells First Years off for breathing too loudly.
30) Try to beat James to death with a napkin.
31) ...or a pillow.
32) Ask Professor Sprout to marry him at dinner...
33) ... and then loudly and graphically tell the whole of the great hall about their daring sexual escapades.
34) Draw faces on pieces of fruit and then carry them everywhere, claiming that they are his evil minions and that together they will take over the world.
35) Push Remus up against a boiling hot radiator and kiss him, just to see how long it takes Remus to realise that his bum is about to burn.
36) Set Lily's hair on fire to see whether there is any difference between her hair colour and the fire.
37) Write 'Spooning leads to forking' on Remus' Valentine's Day card.
38) Tell James about phone sex and then give him Lily's home number.
39) Attempt to break a glass over Lily's head if she spends more than three hours with Remus in the library.
40) Realise that while polishing his wand in the common room is acceptable, 'Polishing his Wand' in the common room is not.
41) Try to show the class that Minerva McGonagall is ticklish, in a hands-on demonstration.
42) ... and then claim that McGonagall planned the whole thing and that she is sexually harassing him.
43) Put hundreds of rabid skunks in Snape's dorm...
44) ... and then state that Snape simply shouldn't have left the window open.
45) Announce to the whole of Hogwarts that he has had loud and crazy sex with a fully transformed werewolf.
46) Announce to the whole of Hogwarts that he has had loud and crazy sex with a rat.
47) Announce to the whole of Hogwarts that he has had loud and crazy sex with a stag.
48) Announce to the whole of Hogwarts that he has had loud and crazy sex with a doughnut.
49) Tell Dumbledore that he finds his long, long beard incredibly erotic...
50) ... and then attempt to stroke it seductively.
Oh, his friends thought they were so clever, didn't they?
Sirius stared at the long list, frowning slightly. He had such wonderful friends, didn't he?
Psht, why on earth would he want to stroke Dumbledore's beard?! It was simply outrageous!
... Although, that would be absolutely hilarious.
Sirius grinned suddenly, an idea (oh no) popping into his head. It would be brilliant; it may even scar his lovely werewolf for life. The dog animagus let out a small, almost hysterical giggle at the imagery of a thoroughly traumatised Remus.
Well, since they had given him such an adorably annoying present that was obviously written by his boyfriend (he'd recognise the handwriting anywhere), why not give one back?
The dog Animagus cackled slightly as he pulled out a quill from his bag and added-
Remus yawned as he stepped through the portrait hole; all that food had made him tired.
As he climbed up the stairs to the seventh year dorms, he froze when he heard music. Eyes widening, he ran up the remainder of the stairs, horror creeping up on him when he realised that the song was none other than Baby Got Back. Bursting into the dormitory, he froze when he saw Sirius.
In a tight leather mini-skirt.
Remus' mouth dropped open.
Sirius gave an elaborate twirl and then flounced up to the motionless werewolf, grey eyes sparkling mischievously. Wrapping his arms around him, he pulled Remus flush against him.
"I loved the present, by the way." He grinned, gesturing at the list. Remus squirmed slightly in Sirius' grasp, the leather making him a tad uncomfortable. The werewolf then squinted at the list, frowning when he saw a number 51) at the bottom of the list in Sirius' messy scrawl.
I swear there were only 50.
"I added a little something as a Thank You Present!" Remus looked up at Sirius, biting his bottom lip. Oh, this couldn't be good.
"Padfoot... What on earth have you come up with now?"
"Go on, take a look. It's all for you." The dog Animagus smirked.
Remus pulled away from him and walked towards the list that was taped onto the bathroom door.
51) Do all of the things on the list because he finds Remus friggin' sexy when he's angry.
The werewolf gulped.
"S-Sirius? We were only joking..." Turning around, Remus was shocked to see his boyfriend swinging around a... flea collar.
"Watch out for radiators, Remy baby, 'cause your bum is about to get hot, hot, hot."
Right, so. I was bored. I'm on my summer hols (Yes!) so I'll probably be writing a lot more :)
Hope you enjoyed this.
I'm not sure whether the list was funny enough, but I hope you like it anyway. :)
I'll love you forever :)
Also, I may do a '51 Things James Potter Is Not Allowed To Do'... so if you want to see that sometime soon, let me know, and I'll post it soon :)