Kame: inspired by their likeness. Good ole fashion crackfic.
Disclaimer: …do I really need to say it?
Round 1: The Eating Competition
Hughes: Ladies and Gentlemen, Welcome to the first round of the first annual Best-at-Stuff Competition! Hughes and Komui here live at the Black Order's headquarters to deliver the amazing results and blow-by-blow replays on the most exciting moments of this competition!
Komui: And right now, everything is getting set up! Our two contestants are in their respective corners right now getting prepared. Prophesized as the 'Destroyer of Time', he joined our ranks when he was 15 years old! In the right corner is everyone's favorite cursed exorcist, the Black Order's very own Allen Walker! Let's zoom in to see what's happening in Allen's corner!
(Zooms in to see Allen sitting on a stool, talking to Lavi and Lenalee. Lavi pats him on the back and Lenalee gives him a hug).
Komui: NOOOOOOO! ALLEN INAPPROPIATELY TOUCHED MY PRECIOUS, DARLING LENALEE! DISQUALIFICATION! (runs off to tear apart offender)
Hughes: *sweat drops* well, while Komui is taking a 'short break', let's go to the contestant in the other corner. Joining the military at the tender age of 12, his fame has spread throughout Amestris as the 'People's Alchemist' and 'Hero of the People'. In the left corner is Edward Elric, a.k.a the Fullmetal Alchemist! Let's take a little peep at Ed!
(Zooms in Ed's corner. He's standing there talking to Al)
Ed: (at Hughes) WHO ARE YOU CALLING TINY ENOUGH TO BE SWALLOWED BY DUST MITES!?
Al: *sighs* Brother, he didn't say all that…
Hughes: This round is brought to you today by my darling little princess, Elysia!
(A huge picture of Elysia descends from the ceiling. Suddenly, the picture erupts in flames)
Hughes: ELYSIA! STOP, DROP AND ROLL SWEETIE!
Roy: Hughes, get on with it…or you'll be next…
Hughes: Ok! (coughs) Jerk…. Jerry, are we ready to start?
(Gives Hughes the thumbs up. Komui is dragged back to the booth)
Komui: I MUST KILL HIM FOR INVADING LENALEE'S PERSONAL SPACE! (starts forming at the mouth)
Hughes: Now, now, we must get the competition started. In this competition, our contestants have to eat as many bowls of ramen as possible. The person still eating at the end of the round is the winner. There can be no personal contact between the two-
Komui: (grumbles) it should have been like that with that molester and my innocent sister…
Hughes: - so any hitting or the like results in disqualification. NO ALCHEMY ED!
Ed: Yeah, yeah, I got it.
Komui: the contestants are now approaching the table! The referees, Hawkeye and Bookman, prepare to flag off our contestants.
Ed: you ready to lose, rice grain?
Allen: bring it, ebi-chan.
Ed: WHO ARE YOU CALLING A GIRLY SHRIMP!?
(Hawkeye fires her gun)
Komui: Aaaaaand they're off! It looks like Ed and the filthy molester are off to a good start!
Lenalee: Niisan, Allen did not molest me! I gave him a hug!
Hughes: Look at them go! Both are already through the first five bowls! This is as intense as you can get!
Let's see the crowd's reaction!
(Zooms in to crowd)
Komui: It appears that bets are being placed…
Lavi: Allen bets! Do your Allen bets here! Come bet on the 'Destroyer of kitchens and restaurants'!
Havoc: Place all of your bets on the Fullmetal Alchemist here! If you think the midget's gonna win, place your bets with me.
Ed: DAMNIT HAVOC I AM NOT SHORT! (starts choking on ramen)
Hughes: Ohhh, looks like Ed's having a little trouble…
Ed: (still choking) IF SOME (coughs)ONE CALLS ME LITTLE…ONE MORE TIME…I WILL BREAK EVERYONE'S KNEECAPS!
Roy: Why, so you can be on eye level with everyone else?
Ed: ARRRGH! I'VE HAD IT! (takes off his automail arm and throws it at Roy's head. Winry attacks Ed with her wrench)
Winry: ED YOU IDIOT! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, THROWING MY HARD WORK AROUND LIKE THAT!?
Komui: Wow, in a weird twist of events, Edward has taken off his arm and threw it at his commanding officer, and now his mechanic is viciously beating the crap out of him…ow, that looks like that hurts.
Hughes: *sweat drops*Well, at least he hit him…
Komui: However, it looks like Allen has used that time to put a tremendous lead between himself and Edward.
Allen: (after finishing another bowl)…looks like I win this round… (a strange noise erupts from Allen's stomach. He grabs his stomach and rushes out of the dining hall).
Hughes: In another twist of events, Allen has apparently run out of the hall, meaning he is done!
(Komui whistles innocently, hiding a small bottle behind his back)…I wonder why?
Lavi: Allen, come back! I put all of my life savings on you! (runs out after him)
Hughes: Wow, what an amazing turn of events! If Ed can hold off Winry long enough to eat one more bowl before the end of the round, he can win!
(Ed tries to fend off Winry, but is unsuccessful. Suddenly a blue light erupts and Winry is caged)
Komui: What just happened? Let's go to our replay camera…
(A screen pops out of the ceiling)
Hughes: Well, it appears Ed used alchemy to cage Winry so he can somehow finish the competition, using his blood to draw out an array. Talk about improvising!
Komui: He's back at the table! Can he eat with one arm?
Hughes: I'm sure he can…after all; he survived a failed human transmutation and being attacked by a serial killer…twice
Komui: YES! HE HAS IT! WE HAVE A WINNER! (jumps out of his seat in excitement, but the bottle he was holding on to falls to the floor and rolls to Hughes)
Hughes: Hey, what's this…super strong laxative!
Komui: THAT'S WHAT HE GETS FOR PUTTING HIS DISTUGISTING HANDS ON MY PRINCESS LENALEE! (laughs manically as he is dragged out of the booth. The Black Order people glare at him while everyone else sweat drops)
Hughes:…talk about a sister complex…well, that concludes this round folks! Tune in next time to see the next round of the Best-at-Stuff Competition! This is Hughes signing out!
Kame:…………………………………………………………………………………………………………well!? REVIEW ALREADY.........pleeeease?