Author's Note: Okay, I had to prove to myself that I could write a story where Rossi and JJ were only friends...and this is what came out. Hope you all enjoy! As ever, I don't own Criminal Minds.
Inside the Elevator
David knew he should have just taken the stairs. He knew it. His spine had tingled and his gut had told him to, but had he listened…of course not. Nope, not him. His laziness had overridden his better instincts and he'd stepped into the car after Morgan and JJ. Not that he didn't have a certain amount of an affection for his co-workers. He did. Especially JJ. If he hadn't before, he certainly did now. Her cute little belly making it impossible not to soften. Truthfully, there wasn't much that he wouldn't do for the team that he considered family. But this…this was just going beyond the line of duty. This was monumentally unfair. There was a damn reason that he'd never gotten a woman pregnant and this was IT.
"Do something, damn it!" JJ yelled, clutching her distended belly with one hand and leaning against the wall with the other.
Staring dumbly at the non-functioning panel of buttons on the wall, Morgan shook his head. "I think we're stuck, Jayje."
"What was your first clue, Captain Obvious?" Dave snapped, leaning around Morgan to punch yet again at the bank of numbers.
"Oh, God!" JJ wailed. "Here comes another one," she panted, leaning more heavily against the wall.
As Rossi and Morgan slowly turned to face each other, they asked in unison, fear and dread coloring the words, "Another what?"
"Another contraction, morons!" JJ yelled as a gush of fluid fell from her body, drenching Morgan's shoes.
Turning sharply, David fought for his well known control as he slowly narrowed his eyes on the small woman. "Excuse me?"
"Shit! Look at my shoes!" Morgan yelped, hopping from one foot to the other, shaking his feet.
"Oh, no! No! NO! NOOOO!!!" JJ moaned, sliding down the wall to the floor. "I had two more weeks! Will promised me that we had two more weeks!"
Sighing, Rossi flipped open his phone as he eyes the heavily breathing woman on the floor. "How long, JJ?"
"How long what?" JJ snapped.
"How long have you been in labor?" Dave asked, striving for patience.
"I'm not in labor," JJ said, panting furiously. "I refuse to be in labor! Because I will not believe that I am going to bring my son into the world with you two for midwives! NO! I want Will. I want a hospital and I want drugs! And not necessarily in that order!" she shouted.
"I want a new pair of shoes," Morgan said, still shaking his feet.
Glaring at Morgan, Dave nodded to JJ. "Oh, quit whining. Get down there and hold her hand."
"Hell, no, man! She's got that look in her eyes. I've seen that look before. It's the look my ex-girlfriend gave me right before she tried to separate me from Mr. Happy. YOU hold her hand," Morgan said, shaking his head violently.
"Look, we've already called for help. We just need to keep her calm until help arrives," Rossi growled.
"Hey! Still here! I can hear both of you," JJ yelped from the floor. "Oh God! Here it comes again!" she groaned.
"Wait!" Dave shouted. "You just had one. You can't be having another one this soon," Dave argued.
"Explain that to my uterus, Rossi," JJ bit out. "I WANT WILL!"
"Trust me when I tell you, Blondie, we want him too!" Rossi growled, crouching beside her. "You couldn't just start the maternity leave when we told you to, could you? Had to insist that you needed to finish all those projects," he grumbled, shaking his head.
Swallowing, JJ's eyes widened as she looked between the two men inside the elevator with her. "I feel like I need to push!"
"Oh, no you don't," Morgan yelped, pressing himself against the wall.
"No pushing, JJ," Rossi said with a firm shake of his head.
"Chère?" they all heard a voice call from above.
"Will?" JJ called back hopefully.
"I'm here, chère," Will assured her.
"Good! Get me out of here!" JJ yelled.
"NOW!" Dave demanded.
"Honey, they're saying it could take up to an hour!" Will called back.
As another contraction seized her, JJ screamed, grabbing Dave's hand, "Not fast enough! I need to push, Will!"
"Yeah, Will, she needs to push!" Dave called out frantically, grimacing at the grip JJ had on his hand.
"Rossi, somebody needs to check JJ's dilation?" Will called. "You need to see how far she's progressed!"
Looking up at the ceiling with an evil glare, Rossi shook his head. "The hell! There are some parts of your wife I never wanna SEE in that respect, William! And that's one of them!"
"Rossi is not sticking his head up my skirt, Will?" JJ called angrily.
"Would you rather Morgan did it, Chère?" Will returned.
"Hell, NO!" Morgan and JJ screamed together.
"Then Rossi, it's on you man! Come on, do it for your nephew!" Will yelled.
"Ya know, Will, I liked you. I did! But I swear to God," Dave growled, gulping as he knelt between JJ's legs and hesitantly lifted her skirt, wincing as he peered underneath, "I'M GOING TO KICK YOUR CAJUN ASS!"
"What do you see?" Will called excitedly.
"I see something that will haunt my dreams for the rest of my life!" Rossi yelled above JJ's groans. "I see the head! At least I hope that's what that is!"
"Holy crap!" Morgan breathed, eyes wide as he slid bonelessly down the wall.
"WIMP!" JJ screamed, glaring at him. "I need to push!"
"Okay, chère, the doc says on the next contraction that you need to bear down!" Will coached through the ceiling.
"Yeah? Tell him that I'm kicking his ass, too," Rossi yelled back as sweat trickled down his face.
"Rossi, man, all you gotta do is play catch!" Will said enthusiastically.
"Yeah, Uncle Dave," JJ panted, "You get the EASY job, you jerk!"
"You guys are doing great!" Will yelled as JJ finished pushing her way through the first contraction, her screams mingling with Morgan's as she gripped his hand with an iron grip.
"Was your husband a friggin' cheerleader in a former life, JJ?" Dave growled as another contraction passed.
"Sounds like it," JJ wailed. "I can't believe this is happening. I'm a fucking cliché," she moaned as she pushed again. "And the two playboys of the western world are delivering my baby!" she screamed.
And as her irate cries reached a crescendo, a new voice joined the trio's as Henry Jareau LaMontagne made his entrance into the world as the elevator doors slid open.
Laying the baby upon JJ's stomach with a gentle smile, Rossi stood to face Will and their assembled team and said four short words, "Consider me retired again."