I rather enjoy writing these listy thingy-ma-bobs. :)
Um, I know that this has been done many, many, many times before... but I was bored...
But don't worry, I have one more list fic thingy to do (50 Things James Potter Is Not Allowed To Do) and then I'm going back to my chapter fics and oneshots :)

This is Remus/Sirius SLASH people! Don't like, don't read :)
Also, this fic has high amounts of sexual innuendoes and jokes so... yeah... ENJOY!
Review? Please?

20 Pick Up Lines That Don't Work:

"No Sirius, I don't want to have to sex with you."

"But why?"

"I asked you to do one small thing for me! It wouldn't have made any difference to you if you had done it!"

"I'm sorry! If I'd known that you were threatening me with no sex I'd have done it straight away!"

"No sex for you, Sirius. Deal with it."

"Nooooo! Never! If you don't want to give me sex, then I'll get it from you myself! I assure you, that by the end of this week, I'll have you lying in my bed naked, begging for it."

"Yeah. Sure."

"Pads, you're screwed."

"Why don't you believe me when I say that I will get Remus in my bed again?!"

"Once Remus makes a decision, he sticks to it."

"Yes, but I have a brilliant, amazing, spectacular and foolproof plan."

"Oh yeah? What is it?"

"Have you ever heard of pick up lines?"

"I'll make you the happiest werewolf alive, I promise."

"...Oh, are you gonna go and jump off of the Astronomy tower, then?"

"Cruel, Moony, cruel."

"Moony, your beautiful body is like a temple."

"Sorry, no services today."

"Dang it."

"I'm feeling a little off today, would you like to turn me on?"

"Sirius... Enough of these pick up lines. I'm not having sex with you."

"Hey, can I sleep with you tonight? I lost my teddy bear... And I'm sad... See?" Points at face.

"Go buy a new one. Or use James."

"Hey, Rem."


"Hmphf. I was gonna say, that you're wearing nice jeans today."

"...Thank you..."

"Can I test the zipper for you?"

"You don't have to. I already asked James to."


"Babeee... I lost-"

"I told you to go buy another teddy bear!"

"I wasn't going to say that!"


"I was going to say, that I've lost my virginity."

"I know you have..."

"Soooo, I was wondering... can I have yours?"

"You've already taken it."

"Oh. Good point..."

"You have a wand."


"I have a wand."


"Wanna make some magic?"

"Give it up, Pads."

"If I could see you naked, I'd die a happy, happy man."

"You've already seen me naked."

"...Can't you just-"


"I've only got three days to li-"

"No, Padfoot."

"But, but, three days!"

"I'll make it two days if you don't shut it." Smiles innocently.



"... Wait... wait... it's on the tip of my tongue... Got it!"

"Hurry up, I have to go!"

"If the home is where the heart is, then my home is in you."

"Sorry babe, you've just been evicted."

"I must have had some Felix Felicis, because I feel like I'm about to get lucky!"

"You must be imagining it."

"But look!" Brings out bottle of clear liquid.

"You actually drank some Felix Felicis?!"

"Nah, it's only water... but you fell for it! Hah!"

"You know the platform 9 and 3/4?"


"I'll let you in on a little secret; I know something with the exact same measurements... if you catch my drift."

"Yes, I do 'catch your drift'. And I'd just like to point out, the last time I saw it, it was way shorter than that."

"Are you sure about that? Do you want me to prove it to you? Come up to the dorms and I'll show you, if you want."

"Nice try."

"Remus, have sex with me."

"Was that an order, Sirius Black?"

"If I say it was, will you have sex with me?"

"No... but I will punch you."

"Mooooooony, is that just a wand I see in your pocket, or are you just overly happy to see me?"

"Nope, it's just a wand in my pocket."


"What? I'm working!"

"I can't find my book of Pick Up Lines!"

Sniggers. "Aw. Go cry."

"Did you steal it, Remus? How could you?! I need it! Give it back! My book!"

"I never thought I'd see you get this upset over a book. Interesting..."


"What?! What's wrong?!"

"There's a wild, hungry dragon in the dorms!"


"Why don't you come and tame it, Remy? I'm sure it'd love that."

"You found your book then, eh?"

"...No... I made that one up myself!"

"Are you a Dementor? 'Cause you're sending ch-i-i-ills up my spine."

"... You're comparing me to a dementor?"

"...Err... well..."

"Remus, baby, what's wrong?"

"I just can't get this essay done! It's driving me crazy!"

"Awwww, babe, don't frown, please."

"Why?! What if I want to frown? I can't get this friggin' essay done and-!"

"You shouldn't frown like that because you never know who might be falling love with your smile."

"Awww, that was actually quite romantic."

"Romantic enough for sex?"

"Tempting... but no."

"Your amber eyes are like honey,
Your sense of humour is undoubtedly funny.

Your smile makes me unbelievably hard,
Your hair makes me drool with no regard.

But the best thing about you is your hot body,
And so, I'm asking you, will you have sex with me?"

"Thank you ever so much for the compliments,
But you are, to me, a relentless nuisance.

And while you are definitely rather hot,
Sex with you I will have not.

Please, for my sake, shut your giant mouth,
And stop thinking about the region down South.

Leave me alone."

"...Is that a no?"

"Reeeemus, I have a dog that would really like to meet you..."

Rolls eyes in exasperation. "Can you just give it a rest?"

"You're so mean! My poor dog! He's in freakin' love with you!"

"I'm sure."




"Do us all a favour."

"I freakin' BEG you!"

"I thought I was supposed to be begging you... But this is fine by me."

"Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please-"

"Argh! Shut up. Okay! I'll do it! Just shh..."

"Really?! YES!"

"On one condtion."

"Anything for you Moony! I love you Moony! Anything, anything."

"You get me that book from the library that I wanted. You know, the one that you were supposed to get me before this whole mess."

"Yuck... the library... I-"

"'Cause I, unlike you, can survive without sex... so it's in your best interests... but if you don't want to-"


So... What did you think of that?
Did you like it?
Which pick up line was your fave?
And yes, I know one of them was a poem (or two) but I really couldn't resist- Sirius just loves bad poetry too much :)
Sooo... review? :)
Also, if you liked this, I posted a '50 Things Sirius Black Must Not Do' fic a few days ago; have a look at it and lemme know if you like it! :)