Disclaimer : I don't own Transformers or Kill Bill.
Summary : While watching 'Kill Bill' with Mikaela, Sarah gets an idea in her head that only spells trouble for Ironhide.
Note : This idea hit me while watching Kill Bill, and seeing the lead character's truck, the 'Pussy Wagon'. I don't know her name, as it was bleeped out in the one I watched, but I could totally see michevious humans doing this to poor Ironhide.
Warning : Rated 'T' for language and many references to 'Pussy Wagon'. I don't take the name in a derogatory sense, but some might, so I think I've rated it high enough.
Being the stay-at-home wife of a military major had it's ups and downs. On one side, I got to be a part of some pretty secretive stuff, and had all access passes to places people normally didn't. On the other, my husband, Will, was gone more often than not, working in the field or helping out at the base. Especially now that we had new alien allies from another planet.
As such, I was left at home, dealing with Annabelle and every day stuff more often than I would have liked. While I love my daughter dearly, I had more planned in my life than staying at home, waiting for Will to call, and changing my little girl's diaper all the time.
So when Will gave me one of his usual short notices about heading out to the base, I called Mikaela to come over and hang out. Sure, Will left Ironhide, one of the said alien allies who were actually sentient robots from another planet, who could turn into vehicles to hide out, but Ironhide didn't strike me as the sit and watch movies type. Hell, the idea had me struggling to hide a snort. Not to mention, he was just a little too big to get into the house.
Mikaela was due over to watch a 'Kill Bill' marathon with me, any minute, so I hurried around, getting things ready. Annabelle was already upstairs sleeping, I had the popcorn and soda ready, and Ironhide was in the garage in a forced recharge, because he was still mending a few injuries he'd sustained in the last battle against the Decepticons. There was nothing that would wake up that Autobot tonight.
When Mikaela finally came over, I welcomed her in with an 'I'm so bored!' and we huddled down to talk a bit, before the movie.
"Sam's been pretty good. He was spending a lot of time down at the base, but I guess he snapped out of whatever funk he was in. He came back and he's been around a lot more often. I'll admit though, Bee's got the worst timing, and at times I wish I could weld his gun to his aft!" Mikaela laughed before taking a drink.
I nodded with a laugh of my own. "I'll admit that when I first met Ironhide, I was terrified, but he seems ok. A little....stiff, maybe? Stuck up? Stubborn?"
"He's got a flag pole up his aft, that's all." 'Kaela shrugged easily.
Laughing again, I nodded. It was sometimes funny how quickly we picked up on Autobot terms. "So it seems. Sometimes I wish I could get him back. He always seems to smug!"
"I'm sure we'll think of something."
The simple chat continued on for a while. It was nice to sit back and get to know Mikaela Banes, and it was even better to see how easy it was to get along with her. She was so easy to talk to and very funny. Once the movie started, we had a ball with all kinds of off-hand comments, and some of the scenes. The moment we really got a good look at the lead female character's truck, however, I nearly spewed the soda I'd just drank.
"Oh-" I coughed a little as I stared at the weirdest truck I'd ever seen. I saw this movie before, a long time ago, but seeing it just now, with the current situation.... "Oh. My. God!" My jaw dropped, and I turned to Mikaela who looked a little disturbed at the sight of the truck. "No!"
She turned to me and her eyes widened. "What?!"
Biting my lip hard, I turned back to the movie, watching as 'Buck' was taken care of, and the 'Pussy Wagon' came into her care. Why did they have to bleep out the character's name? Hell if I could remember it. "I just got..." Shaking my head, I covered my mouth to keep from laughing. Will should have....
"I just...got an idea." I bit my lip again as I carefully took in the paint job on the truck. "Wanna put Ironhide in his place?" I didn't know him too well. He hadn't been around for that long, but already I got that he'd never actually hurt us. Well, then again, what I was proposing was pretty extreme, but like I said, I seriously felt a need to put Ironhide in his place.
"Uh-oh..." Mikaela glanced at the screen and I followed her gaze to see the back story on one of the assasins. 'O-ren'...something or another, I think. Turning back, I saw her looking at me with worry. "Why do you have a big evil grin on your face?"
"Like I said, I have an idea how to put Ironhide in his place. You're a mechanic, right? That includes custom paint-jobs?" Giggles burst forth as Mikaela's eyes filled with understanding.
"No! You mean...??" She glanced again to the screen.
With a nod, I got up and raced into the garage. I was quiet while getting in there, however, despite the fact that I knew Ironhide wouldn't wake. Aware Mikaela had followed me, I began looking through some old paint cans we'd had lying around. "Yellow... We were painting the tree house for Annabelle..." I found the can and used a screwdriver from Will's tool box to pry off the lid. "And Red from the trim in our room..." I found that paint can as well and smirked at Mikaela when I realized we had pretty much everything we needed.
Mikaela seemed to hesitate a moment. "Won't he...blast us for this?"
"Not without Optimus Prime's permission." I thought not, anyways, I wasn't sure. I was fairly certain Optimus was the leader of the Autobots and had decreed no human was to be harmed. "And I bet boss bot will be laughing too hard to say much of anything for a while. By the time he's done, I can be in Canada with Annabelle, with a whole new identity." I was joking, of course. I was fairly certain that while Ironhide would be pissed, he wouldn't actually hurt me.
After a moment of thought, in which I thought she was going to leave me to my own devices not wanting anything to do with this, Mikaela began to grin evilly, and I almost balked. Is that what I looked like? Never the less, she began to look around the garage, gathering a few things. In about an hour, she had the outline of what we were going to do. Then we got to work. It took us about five hours to finish it totally, thankfully Annabelle remained asleep for the night, and Ironhide also didn't awaken.
Once we were done, we were both about ready to fall asleep. In fact, that's just what we did. We cleaned up the 'crime scene' so to speak, before heading to bed. I took my usual place, and since our guest room was far from ready for occupants, Mikaela stayed with me. It was about three hours later when Bumblebee dropped off Will, and the show began.
ooooooooooooooooooooo(Three hours Later)ooooooooooooooooooooo
When we managed to stumble downstairs, I found Will holding Annabelle, a funny look on his face. Mikaela must have seen it too, because she shot me a confused look a moment, before her eyes widened and realization dawned in them. Only seconds later and the look must have mirrored on my face as well, because she cautiously shot a look outside.
There, sitting innocently, was Ironhide. Sam was standing across from him, leaning back against a bouncing car, with his hand over his mouth as he seemed to struggle to remain calm and hide his laughter. The amusement coming from the Autobot scout disguised as a yellow 2007 Concept Camaro with black racing stripes, and his human charge, were almost palpable, even in the house.
Ironhide apparently did not get the memo, however, as even I could hear him demanding loudly to know what was so funny.
He hasn't figured it out, yet? I wondered incredulously. For supposedly super intelligent beings from another world, they could sometimes be rather dense. Case and point, when Sam told the Autobots to hide, and they crashed in his back yard, destroying a newly laid path his father had set up.
And yes, I'd heard all about that.
"So..." Will's expression seemed to shiver as he spoon fed Annabelle, keeping his eyes solely on our daughter. "Do you guys...have something you wanna tell me?"
"Don't tell him." I blurted, causing both of them to look at me. With a sigh, I bit my lip. "It's just...teaching him not to be so da-arn smug?" I barely caught myself in front of my daughter.
"We're supposed to meet up with the other Autobots at the lookout today. All of us." Will's lips trembled. "It might be safer if we all cram into Bumblebee." He snorted quietly, and suspiciously hiccupped. "Or maybe some of us shouldn't go at all?"
Pouting a little, I forgot my sleepiness as I walked over to my husband and gave him my patented puppy dog eyes. "Please?? I really wanna see their reactions."
"It's not their reactions that worry me. It's his." He pointed out the window, glanced over his shoulder, and coughed harshly, trying unsuccessfully to hide a bark of laughter.
Sam was now sitting on the bouncing Bee, and Ironhide seemed to shake a little before demanding again to know what was going on. It seemed the situation was almost too much for the teen man, because he shook violently, shot a pleading look at the house and practically shot into the driver's seat.
"Come on. We'll get something to eat on the way. We'd better hurry before Sam has a coronary and Bee's central processing unit fries itself." Mikaela smirked, biting her lip, even as her shoulders shook. She looked about as tired as I felt, but we both hurried upstairs to finish getting ready and hurried out to the vehicles.
For the sake of our sanity, I managed to convince Will to take Annabelle in Ironhide, while I rode in Bee's back seat with Mikaela and Sam. As we rushed to the meeting spot, we laughed hysterically, even though I encouraged them not to talk about the subject, considering Ironhide could have hacked into Bumblebee's communcations system for all we knew.
The ride was quick, and considering it was so early in the morning, we didn't come across any other traffic. Built for speed, Bee was the first at the location and we piled out of him as he reached a stop next to the remaining Autobots, only to watch as the Camaro transformed into a massive robot and proceeded to fall over laughing insanely.
This was received with confusion until Ironhide pulled up. Several sets of ice blue eyes-err optics widened, and just as many mouths gaped as the once black Topkick pulled up in front of them, and Will climbed out with Annabelle.
I watched my husband stumble over to us, his face splitting from his harsh laughter and tears pouring from his eyes as he struggled to breathe. The moment he stopped, he collapsed to his knees and put Annabelle into his lap, where she'd be safe, while he laughed until he cried some more.
I couldn't help it anymore. I still had tears in my eyes from the laughing in Bumblebee, but I broke into a fresh wave of laughter, all the while saying my prayors as an apparently newly repaired Jazz joined Bumblebee on the ground in hysterics.
Ironhide looked around, not quite picking up on the source of amusement, but when he turned his back to us, the entire group began laughing even harder.
"Dude, sweet..." Jazz seemed to be panting. "Sweet paint job!" He pointed and laughed again.
The once black Topkick was now a bright canary yellow. He was even brighter than Bee, and he had red flames depicted all over his armor. Perhaps the most hilarious effect that almost caused me a coronary, was his ass, or 'aft'.
You see, taking the 'Pussy Wagon' idea from 'Kill Bill', Mikaela and I had painted the Topkick after the said truck from the movie. Yep. Bright yellow with red flames, and a great big 'Pussy Wagon' on the tail gate.
What I hadn't expected, however, was for the same slogan to be currently printed across Ironhide's ass!
Even the apparently ever calm Optimus Prime couldn't hold back his laughter at this point. I heard several clicks, and Ironhide spun around. Then Ratchet had to make things worse by apprently muttering something in their native language. I even heard them muttering as they figured out the movie reference in the painting.
Looking down, Ironhide froze. He stopped twiching or moving. If his optics weren't still glowing, I'd be sure he fainted, or perhaps had a heart attack. Very slowly, a low growl seemed to echo through his body, and his optics narrowed dangerously.
"Who..." He shook violently as both of his hands transformed....into bright yellow cannons with flames painted up them. When that brought about a fresh peal of laughter, the growling grew. "Who dared..."
Annabelle, clearly being frightened by his tone began to whimper, and most of the laughing humans and 'bots calmed immediately. I felt my motherly instincts cut in, and dropped to my knees to envelope my daughter in my arms. "It's ok, sweetie." I murmured. "The big, scary 'Pussy Wagon' won't hurt you." Most of the 'bots began to laugh again, and Will joined them.
"Who dared do this??" Ironhide's tone was quieter but even more deadly, if that was possible. "What idiotic, pit-slagging-"
"Language!" Bee scolded in a sing song voice as he wiped greenish tinted tears off his metallic cheeks.
"A Decepticon!" Mikaela's shout had everyone turning, Autobot limbs transforming into weapons as they went. "No, no! I mean it must have been a Decepticon!" She ducked behind Sam a little, as Ironhide shot her a less than believing stare.
"Why didn't you tell me sooner, then?"
"Um... Look at Annabelle!" I shot back, cradelling my unhappy daughter and stroking her hair. In a tremendous feat, Will was holding his tongue, and his laughter. "You yelled and scared her! If I had my way, I wouldn't have told you at all!" If only to watch people point and laugh and Ironhide look around in confusion for just a little longer, anyways.
Hearing that seemed to settle the big 'bot down. He even shot me an apologetic glance and seemed to melt under Annabelle's innocent eyes.
Then, of course, Will just had to pipe in.
"At least you don't have hippie flowers painted all over you."
After a moment of looking up what he meant, the Autobots once again burst out laughing, along with us humans who were easily imagining Ironhide with big pink flowers on his cannons.
Ironhide growled dangerously and raised a glowing cannon towards Will before seemingly rethinking it and stalking off, muttering about needing to shoot some things.
Exchanging a discreet glance with Mikaela, I silently thanked her for her timely excuse. This was even more worth it than I could have imagined, and it only cost me a 'Kill Bill' marathon.
Note : Just a totally random idea that hit me as I'm sitting here, watching Kill Bill. Like it, hate it, totally indifferent? I'd love to know! :) Sorry about the mistakes, I posted this at 3am my time and was dead to the world.
Hope you liked it.