This is a companion piece to "Epic Culture Shock".

You don't HAVE to read it for this to make sense.

Eventually the parallel story lines will converge in a THIRD story and if you still CARE by that point maybe reading the other one will help.

THIS should stand more or less alone, though. And if you have a passing knowledge of the DC universe (Batman, Superman) then you don't NEED to read the other one to understand the end peice.

It also has quite possible the first Kakashi I''ve ever written who has a degree in being an asshole.

All you knew to know for this story-

The universe of Naruto, Kakashi, and all those charming fellow's has blown up, not longer exist, and the shinobi have landed a bit, scattered.

Oh, and, Remy LeBeau's the one that throws cards and speaks with a heavy cajun accent, Wolverine's the one play by Hugh Jackman, and Spiderman's the one that won't. Shut. Up.

Epic Culture Clash:



Chapter One.

In a funny way, the politics here were easier.

Kakashi had time to think about this while he swung from his ankles.

For example, the people that had hung him and his... Well, he'd work out what the other man was when he woke up, but whoever had hung them here were clearly 'the bad guys'. And Not 'the bad guys' in the sense that Konoha had always been 'the good guys', but bad guys and good guys in a white hat, black hat sort of way he'd learned about on late night television.

Ahh well. First things first. The cuffs on his wrists had to go. He needed a new mask. He needed to get his feet free. He needed to consider if the other dangling man was worth the bother...

The cuffs took far too long to make a noise against the stones below. What the fuck, was this a well? A silo?

Kakashi decided not to care, and made a mental note not to fall. Well, at least not until his arms and legs were free. There was probably an exit down there that they wouldn't expect him to come through.

Now if he could just remember what bullshit 'ability' he'd been pretending to have. Super hearing? Had it been something imaginary and voice based so they wouldn't bother with his mask? He swung his arms, got the momentum going a little so it was easier to bend and hung his knees to his chest.

Ahh, blood rushing back out of his head. Truly a good thing.

His dangling companion groaned. Kakashi ignored him, mostly because he wasn't sure if that was English or something else. It sounded slightly drunk.

Miserable over sized country with it's vast array of accents. That MIGHT have been 'where am I' but Kakashi wasn't really sure.

"You're at least fifty feet up," he said, stretch, grabbing the chain. Starting to hand over hand his way up it.

"We loose da fight den, huh?"

Ah, yes, drunk. "Just try not to vomit and give me a good reason to get you out too," Kakashi said. Okay, now, he wasn't really locked in, it was just a knot of chain because they didn't think that anyone would try to untie it.

There was silence, and then. "S'dat I don' raise d'alarm when ya try ta get out, y'cannard?"

"See, now I need a reason not to kill you," Kakashi said, feeling annoyed. He probably should have just left but it looked like the chain was over a wide beam, and the other man was probably his counterweight.

"Good looks an' a charmin' personality, mon ami." It was more of a statement than a joke, and Kakashi found himself agreeing with the last part, at least because really it wasn't that bad an accent and-

"Stop that," he said, pressing his forehead to the chain. "I used to take missions with a man who could brain fuck me with hormones, so reel in the pheromones or whatever and tell me why you're useful."

"Oh, useful," the man snorted, accent still thick. "Den mebbe da fac' dat I know d'way out. Dat be useful 'nough ta get po' Remy outta here?"

"That'll do," Kakashi said with a painfully cheerful sort of smile in his voice.

Hauling the other man up wasn't that hard. Sat him on the beam and started to undo the cuffs.

Except they weren't cuffs, they were, more complicated than that. "I need light to get these off," Kakashi mused, voice mild. "Please tell me that if you are a mutant you're not one of those ones that need special equipment to control yourself?"

"I got control," the man said. "Got lots of control."

"You got a name?"

"Le Beau."

Kakashi's brain whirled, a moment. Le Beau. He should know that one, right? "You're the thief."

"Mebbe. If you be missing summat', it weren't me."

"You don't know what I'm missing," Kakashi said, dryly. "Here in lovely Iran to loot?"

"I don' loot! Pirates loot an' I ain't no pirate."

"Mmhmm," Kakashi rubbed the back of his head. No gear...

Well, he had the tattoos. Technically he had all his gear.

He just, didn't want to use that right now.

Maybe teleportation, that'd work. He could totally claim his mutation was teleportation today.

His fingers knit into a henge. Red hair, long, ponytail long. His mask, someone else's eye. Blue eye. Same facial structure. "From here, best way out?"

"Well, dere's always da vents, but dey be a bit loud. Down at da' bottom o' dis hole, dere's a door dat'll get you fur'der in, first. Dat be de best way from here."

"And whatever you're here to steal, that in there too?"


"And it is?"

"You here t' steal summat, mon ami?"

"No, I'm here to kill someone."

"Well, den since we ain't got but da overlappin' goal o' escape, how 'bout I don tell you notin', an y'don't tell me notin', an' we stay tres bon amis?"

"Fair enough." Kakashi got the man's feet free, at least. There, now the chain was dangling properly from the beam, probably close enough to the ground. "Can you get down this with your arms like that?"

LeBeau slid down as an answer.

Kakashi would have been more impressed if, by the sounds of it, the chain hadn't been ten feet too short. The thud and the curse really detracted from the effect.

He slid, and dropped with a lot more grace partially because he'd used chakra, and partially because he'd expected it. "You're a part time X-man, right? Are you going to insist on this being a bloodless withdrawal?"

"Y'a full time solider? If I was gonna do dat, den I'd be tryin' t'stop ya killin y'mark, right?"

"The night is young."

"Can't be later dan, mabbe noon, mon ami."

Kakashi mentally penciled 'jack ass' onto the mental file he had for Remy LeBeau. Well... Okay, it had been a SHIELD file, so there'd been some notes from operatives that had been in pen, and much harsher than just jackass. He put a hand to the door, tapped it. And then, because no one really expected them to get down, tried the handle.

The man with the gun at the door never knew what hit him. The blade of Kakashi's hand hit the neck just right, snapped the nerve.

He took the gun, and patted the man down. "Get us to a supply closet and I'll get your cuffs off," he said, giving the complicated metal a half glance. Bio-kinetic something. Touch based power, and apparently that niggly little mind thing.

"Dis'a way." Half over a shoulder.

Kakashi took the man's pass card, took a long look at his face. Then set him on fire and followed. Nothing was good for chaos like a eventual fire alarm. Besides, the other man was half around a corner and the fire'd take a second to go from chakra-based to fat melting.

It was a storage room, small, lined with linens and restraints.

Fuck, complicated hand things. "They were ready for you, weren't they?" Kakashi muttered. "Hold your hands up in the light, there, okay." He ran his fingers over the metal. "These are nice. Shit luck for you, but, nice. I think I'm taking these with me." They were, damn clever.

"Y'gonna get me outta dees or y'gonna write dema love ledda?"

"Who says I can't do both?" Kakashi mused. Even the lock part was hard to find. Impossible for Remy to even reach, unless the man could reverse his elbows. The file hadn't been clear.

Kakashi hadREAD it, though. Remy LeBeau was one of those loose threads, like Mystique and Logan, that rattled around and anyone that didn't stick like glue to the main team was someone Kakashi might run into.

He had to use a strand of hair, charged and carefully and to the intense interest of the thief. Okay then, today's fake mutant power was... Screw it. Resigning yourself to one ability was always an intense pain in the ass. The metal clunked, clicked, and loosened. He caught Remy's wrist. "Wait, keep them on," Kakashi said. "You can slide them right off now, right?"


The loud screaming blare-blare-blare of the fire alarm.

Kakashi pulled a feeble enough looking collar off the wall and slapped it around Remy's neck. "Good, you can play prisoner then," he said, bringing his hands up.

Simple illusions. Always made people a little jumpy.

Remy was giving him a 'look'. Probably thought he was the shape shifter. Assassinations were her thing, after all. "Dis ting bedda not be habbin bad'ries in it," he was grumbling, pulling a hand out to tap at the metal.

Kakashi hung his pilfered tag from his neck. "Put your hand back in there. Now, you just tell me left, right, left and follow me."

"We go lef oudda d'door, end o'd hall stair well down, wid d' alarm off dey'll be 'vacuating, prolly taking d'ting we here for out. Dis colla bedda not be whad id feel like."

Kakashi gave it a closer look. "Depends. Does it feel like a sixth gen jury-rigged Genoshan collar?" He tapped it, and it clicked on.

He wasn't surprised when the man tried to brain him with the cuffs.

Remy was probably surprised when he ended up flat on his back.

"Listen, prisoner, are these the sort of people that let dangerous mutant freaks run around without collars, or are they the sort that would as soon shoot you than let you walk out?" A haul at the collar, got him to his feet. "Now, struggle, curse, and act like I'm dragging you to your death. For all you know it's true."

The curses were very colorful, even if Kakashi could only make out every few words. Kakashi didn't care. He knew what someone waiting for the right moment to strike felt like, after all. Kakashi hardly minded.

It happened at the base of the stairwell. Kakashi'd learned to pick out Pwp's (People with power) by wardrobe a while ago. Judging by the heels on this woman, she qualified for bad ass, at the least.

He opened both eyes under the skin of illusion at the exact same moment she felt him grip his motor functions.

I hate telepaths, he thought, followed by most people do. Now kill the prisoner and get me out of here never mind I'll do it myself.

And because his eyes were open, he saw it happen. And understood it, and it worked, in the same way a blade worked, simple and elegant and perfect and Remy LeBeau's heart stopped, lungs stopped. It wasn't the worst way to die but it'd give him a few cruel seconds to realize it, and that that was the cruel part, she'd done that on purpose, Kakashi knew this the same way he knew that he could just reach out and and-

What can be done can be undone, what is understood can be repeated.

Kakashi blinked. The stairwell was gone, the forest was here, the woman was gone.

It was the forest, his forest, the training forest. It was Konoha and it smelled right and the sky was high and bright it hadn't been called down by....

He'd told a lie once. A big one, to someone, he'd barely even meant to. He'd told her, all pink hair and teacher-what-do-we-do optimism, that a sharigan user couldn't copy a blood line technique.

He'd been lying, in a way. You could. There was no limit, after all, to what you could do.

I must be in a hell of a lot of pain. if I turn around, will there be another campfire? What ghost will I see?He thought, not turning around. Just looking up. He could even feel the paperback in his vest, worn, well loved cardboard.

He'd told himself, and others, that it was as easy for a sharigan user to copy a blood line as it was for a man to give birth. You could understand all you wanted, you just didn't have the equipment.

But it wasn't like that. You didn't copy bloodlines for the same reason you didn't roll around on nests of serpents while shoving fire ants up your nose.

Because sane people just didn't do that.

Well, he'd been wondering if mutations where like bloodlimits. And now he knew.

"I wonder if I'll wake up," he asked his past.


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