I present to you, loyal readers, a re-write of Unforgotten Fan-Realms. Only this time its one hundred and twenty-five percent better!

Also, for future reference whenever a certain character is narrating, you can tell who it is by these simple guidelines.

Bold means Rob in narrating.

Bold and italics means Mike is narrating.


The dynamic duo better known as Mike and Rob were sitting inside the latter's basement. The table before them had a poorly drawn map of the "Unforgotten Realms" and four tiny figures that represented Eluamous, Sir Schmoopy, Jacque, and Petey. The two sat in absolute silence, crickets began to chirp in the background.

"So… what exactly are we doing?" Rob asked in an "I'm-bored-I-wanna-fight-a-dragon-or-ogre-or-kitchen-appliance-or-something-anything-but-this" tone. In response, Mike picked up a piece of paper labeled "script" and perused the first few lines.

"Hmm, it looks like we're doing some kind of Unforgotten-Fan-Realms-Fiction-Story-Thing." Mike set the paper down and started to arrange the game pieces.

"Uggh, Mike we just did an Unforgotten-Fan-Realms-cheese of the month club-whatever the heck you just said!" Rob whined.

"Well, we don't really have a say in matter, so let's just make the most of it. Besides, according to this script the new Unforgotten-Fan-Realms is new and improved!" This did little to cheer up his friend. "Okay. Eluamous Nailo and Sir Schmoopy of Awesometon-"

"Don't forget about Jacque and Petey!" Rob yelled while waving his arms for emphasis. Mike held back his growing frustration and continued.
"Fine. Eluamous Nailo and Sir Schmoopy AND Jacque and Petey were camping in the mysterious Mystical Woods. This forest is known for the magical artifacts rumored to be hidden in its darkest groves."

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Eluamous emerged from the tent to stretch; he stifled a yawn upon seeing Sir Schmoopy hitting a large metal contraption with a hammer. "Eluamous asks Schmoopy: 'What the heck are you doing?'." Mike spoke.

"I'm building a wormhole generator." Schmoopy replied.

"There are no wormhole generators in Unforgotten Realms Rob!" Eluamous yelled angrily, going out of character.

"There is one now!" Rob retorted. "Done." Schmoopy announced. The "Totally Awesome Ninja Abraham Lincoln" began to scratch his beard. "Okay, either this wormhole generator will created a wormhole to another dimension OR destroy the known universe." Eluamous looked rather frightened after this comment.

"Uh, what exactly are the odds of it destroying the universe?" He asked nervously.

"I'd give it about 75/25. Seventy five being the chance of it destroying the universe of course, so it's plenty safe." The sorcerer smiled and then slammed the on button with his fist. The wormhole generator began to spark and his. A then a mysterious vortex appeared in its center. The air swirled and a horrific smell filled the air.
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"Mike, you're not describing it well enough!" Rob complained.

"What do you mean? I think I've covered the situation pretty well."

"For starters, instead of saying 'and a horrific smell filled the air', say 'and the smell of your mom's cooking filled the air'!"

"SHUT UP JERKFACE!"

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Finally the portal ceased its bizarre actions and what appeared to be a vortex surrounded by glinting shards of light appeared.

"OH MY GOSH MIKE! It's an anomaly!" Schmoopy began cheering while Eluamous looked on in confusion.

"A what?" The master wizard in training asked.

"An anomaly! Like in Primeval." Schmoopy explained.

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"The movie about the giant crocodile?" Mike inquired, interrupting the game.

"No, not the stupid movie. I'm talking about the awesome TV show from Brit-brat-bria-England-land." Rob explained. "See it's like this. Okay, there are these scientist guys in a forest, and then all of sudden a big worm-time-black-hole-anomaly thing appears and a dinosaur comes out of it, and the scientists are all like 'OH MY FREAKING GOD IT'S A DINOSAUR!' and then the dinosaur is all like 'RAUGUGUGHGUGHGUROAR!' and then the all die! I think I might skipped a few parts though." As he explained this, Rob acted it out with various Unforgotten Realms game pieces.

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"So, essentially, a dinosaur is going to come out of that thing and eat us?" Eluamous asked.

"Hopefully! Except for the getting eaten part."

Just then a strange looking girl, about fourteen years old shot out of the anomaly. She had raven black hair pulled up into a ponytail, amethyst eyes and purple lip gloss. Her clothes consisted of a black tank top with a purple circle in the center, a short plaid skirt, purple stockings and combat boots.

"Hey, you're not a dinosaur! Hacker!" Schmoopy yelled.

"What, or who, is that?" Eluamous asked rather confused at what had just happened.

"Isn't it obvious?" Schmoopy replied.

"No. Not really."

"It's obviously a lawnmower."

"What?!" Schmoopy pointed at the girl.

"See, there's the handle-thingy." He explained while pointing to the Goth girl's ponytail. "And there are the grass-chopper-parts." Schmoopy then pointed to her mouth.

"It's not a lawnmower, idiot. It's a girl." Eluamous stated, getting very angry at Rob's stupidity. Said girl finally managed to stand up and brush herself off.
"Where am I? Who the heck are you?" She asked, still dazed. Schmoopy's eyes widened.

"WE'RE UNDER ATTACK...AGAIN!" Quickly Schmoopy whipped Jacque out from his backpack. "Jacque, attack!"

"Oui, Oui, mon ami." Jacque began to glow bright blue, charging up his most powerful ability that Rob had just made up a few minutes ago. Knowing something terrible was about to happen, Eluamous began to pray and Petey covered his eyes with his paws. Then, there was the explosion to end all explosions!

Finally the dust settled and our heroes looked around. All they saw for miles was desolate wasteland.

"ROB! WHAT DID YOU DO!?" Mike yelled furiously.

"I didn't do anything. It was Jacque. He used his atomic blast attack!" Schmoopy pointed to said axe.

"Well, good job Jacque. YOU DESTROYED THE ENTIRE FOREST! Now let's get out of here before the radiation kills us." Eluamous was at his breaking point now.

"Relax Elumouse… Eluminaous… Eldorado… Elyoumayus… Mike! I've got a resistance to radiation of-"

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In the real world Rob began rifling through his character sheet and whatever else was on the table in an attempt to find his radiation resistance stat.

"There's no resistance to radiation moron." Mike replied.

"No resistance to radiation? That's Bullsh-"

"SHUT UP! Let's just continue this stupid campaign."

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Back in the game the four heroes started to walk in the direction which seemed to be the least "devastated by the atomic blast.

"Wait! I wanna take the lawnmower." Schmoopy said while motioning to the unconscious girl.

"For the last time it's not a lawnmower it's a girl!" Eluamous screamed. "And why would you want a lawnmower anyway?"

"Well one, maybe in the dimension it came from, lawnmowers look like girls! Did you ever think of that Mike? Huh? Did you?" Eluamous face palmed. "And two, now I can mow my lawn wherever I go!"

"We're traveling adventures, you even have a lawn."

"Then I'll just the lawn around me!" Schmoopy smiled at his cleverness.

"What lawn? I don't see any lawn, your stupid axe over there blew up all the lawn!"

"Hey! I have feelings too, mon ami!" Jacque quipped.

"Fine! If you want to carry that GIRL around in your inventory I'm not going to stop you." Eluamous said through clenched teeth. Just then two strange looking men with shirts that said "EPA" ran up to them.

"Environmental Protection Agency?" Eluamous asked, wondering why they of all people would appear.

"And you say I'm an idiot. Mike, everyone knows EPA stands for Enforcers of the Protection of Amish. Obviously the lawnmower belongs to Amish people and they've come to collect it."

"No Rob, I'm one-hundred percent certain it's Environmental Protection Agency." The two EPA officials finally reached our heroes.

"STOP! ENFORCERS OF THE PROTECTION OF AMISH!" One yelled.

"Told you." Schmoopy told his companion.

"I hate you. So. Much."

Will our heroes be able to get out of the forest before the radiation kills them? What do the Enforcers of the Protection of Amish want from Sir Schmoopy? Find out next time on UNFORGOTTEN FAN-REAMLS!