Parody of Day Three, Four, and Five of Children of Earth. Begins when Jack and Frobisher are on the phone in Day Three.


Jack threatened Frobisher.

Frobisher told Jack he was too good a man to go through with it.

Jack told him he was a not a good man. He told him he'd been pretty good at torture a while ago. He mentioned he'd like to get back in practice.

Frobisher caved.

Jack demanded to see the 456.

Frobisher said the government already had a plan. He told Jack what the plan was.

Jack told him what he could do with said plan, and declared he had a better one.

Frobisher really didn't want to give up any kids, or lose his own, so he agreed. Jack could meet the 456.

He cut the call and rang Johnson. He told her to blow up Jack again, and save the world while doing it.

Johnson was delighted.


Jack looked at the 456.

The 456 spewed green crap over the windows. And then spewed some more for good measure.

Jack told them they weren't getting any kids.

The 456 referred to a previous incident.

Jack said that this was different.

The 456 referred to the same incident. And then again. And then once more, just to be weird and alien-y.

Jack demanded to know what had happened to the kids involved in that incident.

The 456 told him to come inside.

Jack did.

The 456 explained about the chemicals, basically by saying that there were chemicals.

Jack said they couldn't have any more kids.

The 456 spewed green crap.

Jack decided to put his master plan into action. He radioed Frobisher, who radioed Johnson.

Johnson blew Jack up.

The 456 got blown up too, seeing as their atmosphere was actually incredibly flammable. The other 456 were stunned but undeterred.

Until Jack came back to life several minutes later.

Then they made an egregious mistake. They assumed Jack was a normal human being; hence they were fighting six billion indestructible pissed-off creatures.

They buggered off.


Jack celebrated by twisting the government's arm until they promised to build him a new Hub. He also kept the Porsche he'd stolen, considering it fair reward for saving the earth.

Ianto got to live and had lots of sex with Jack. And made coffee.

Gwen's pregnancy turned out to be twins, and she left Torchwood to look after them.

Lois Habiba replaced Gwen, and handled communications with Whitehall.

Clem muttered 'Isn't it, isn't it' a lot and went back to live in the care facility.

Alice and Steven went back home. Alice said Jack could come over more often if he liked.

Rhiannon and Johnny said the same thing to Ianto. He said he would, if they'd shut up about the gay thing. Rhiannon promised. Johnny "promised".

Frobisher quit government service in order to spend more time with his family. He took up gardening and grew prize-winning rhubarb.

Bridget Spears was tired of watching while the men in charge messed things up, and took over the Home Office.

Johnson joined a demolition company and got to blow stuff up two, and sometimes even three, times a week.

The 456 retreated to a remote corner of the universe, until somebody pointed out that the universe had no corners, per se, and they vanished in a fit of illogic.