TO: Commander Spock
FROM: Captain Kirk
RE: Your Return From the Interplanetary Astrophysics Society Biennial Conference
Welcome back aboard Enterprise after your attendance at the Interplanetary Astrophysics Society Biennial Conference. And on behalf of the entire crew, warmest congratulations on being chosen as the recipient of the prestigious Hawking Astrophysics Research Prize. An honor which you richly deserve.
Several incidents occurred during your absence about which you need to be apprised. I have enumerated these below. I am available to discuss these items once you have had time to consider each item and the proposed corrective measure for same (where applicable):
#1. The flooding of the hydroponics lab 5 aft was not the fault of Yeoman Pryn. Although she was the last crewmember to have been in the lab prior to the water leak, Chief Scott assures me that it was a faulty valve that caused the lab to be flooded. Yeoman Pryn is to be commended for discovering the flood while it was in progress and doing everything that she could to stop it. That she found the problem in the middle of ship's night understandably delayed her in contacting me or Chief Scott. It is never easy to decide to wake up the Captain or the Chief of Engineering to tell them that you may have ruined one of the hydroponics labs two short weeks after your transfer request to that particular assignment was granted. Reluctance to wake us, fear of reprisal, and general paralysis through analysis exacerbated the problem. However, be assured that Chief Scott exonerated her from all blame and she does deserve to remain assigned to the hydroponics lab. (She has promised that, in future, should she discover a similar emergency situation, she will alert those in her command structure with all deliberate haste.) I consider the matter of the flooding of hydroponics lab 5 aft closed and trust you will as well once you have reviewed all of the reports.
#2. Ensign Cabrillia and Ensign Troval were required to once again report to me to explain why they had been discovered fighting in the solar array observation lab. They each naturally blamed the other for the altercation. They are still confined to quarters, awaiting your return and your decision as to a more permanent correction to their errant behavior. I had understood that you had spoken to them, warning them that they would face swift and sever repercussions should they be caught fighting again. I checked their personnel file as well as your report to me on their previous quarrels, but could not find a reference to your proposed solution. I trust you will inform me of your plans at your earliest convenience. (They really are out of control.)
#3. Lt Uhura implemented the upgrades to the intraship communication system in your absence. She assures me that she followed your instructions with the same precision with which you wrote them. However, every time I tried to contact Dr. McCoy over the intercom, I would end up talking to Lt. McDermott. Lt McDermott was very patient with my errant communications but it meant that either I had to go to Sickbay to talk to Bones or send my yeoman to ask him to come. In addition, whenever I wanted to talk to Scotty, I would end up connecting to Ensign Scotton in botany. Ensign Scotton is a fine botanist but is incapable of answering any of my questions on fuel consumption and warp drive variables. More embarrassingly, perhaps, when Lt Freed wanted to convey her unbridled love and commitment to Lt Kirtlee, she would reach me and not realize her error until we were both thoroughly red in the face. Finally, Lt Uhura reversed the changes she had made and will work with you directly to install them correctly.
When she was not occupied with implementing and then reversing the communication upgrade, Lt Uhura has begun making plans for upcoming crew nuptials. I have a list of her completed items and her questions which we will need to review as quickly as possible.
I await your response to each of those concerns listed above. And again, welcome home to Enterprise.
* * * * * * * * *
TO: Captain James T. Kirk
FROM: Commander Spock
RE: List of ship occurrences during my attendance at the Interplanetary Astrophysics Society Biennial Conference
Thank you for your acknowledgment and congratulations on my receipt of the Hawking Astrophysics Research Prize. It was a surprise when I was named the honored recipient of this year's award.
I have reviewed your memo thoroughly and duly considered each of the enumerated concerns/problems and their proposed solutions. I will be available to review each with you as our schedules permit:
#1. Flood in hydroponics lab: I have surveyed what remains of the hydroponics lab 5 aft. The damage is extensive and the lab equipment damaged almost entirely beyond repair. I have reviewed Yeoman Pryn's report on the malfunction of the main water valve. She still believes the flood was due to her error, although the reports by you and Lt. Commander Scott make it clear she is blameless. I have made an appointment to talk with Yeoman Pryn, to discuss her innocence and her continued assignment to the hydroponics lab. I will be submitting to you within the next five (5) ship's days requisitions for the supplies necessary to replace the equipment and/or effect the repairs. It is my considered opinion that my science staff, with the assistance of two of the ship's engineers, will be able to repair the damage and have the hydroponics lab 5 aft fully functional again within 7.3 weeks.
#2. Ensign Cabrillia and Ensign Troval are officially on report. They claimed to me that they were not fighting as had been reported. Their claim is that they were practicing the new hand to hand combat techniques which you had demonstrated in my absence. A thorough review of both your Captain's log (in which there is no reference of this alleged demonstration) and the recording made in the solar array observation lab during their time together in the lab further confirms that they were indeed engaged in an altercation of a personal nature. They have compounded their violation by attempting to lie their way out of it. They will remain confided to quarters for the next two ship's weeks and will not be allowed leave when we arrive at Starbase Clapton. I have informed them that should I learn of any other altercations between the two of them, they will be demoted to Yeoman and transferred off Enterprise. I have noted this warning in their personnel files should you need to reference this in future. I am unable to understand why there was no reference in their files to my previous attempts to rectify their behavior nor any notations concerning my proposed solution should their behavior deteriorate again. I placed both these items in their files and will investigate further as to the cause of their absence. Once I have made this determination, I will report those results to you.
#3. Lt Uhura discussed with me the mishaps which occurred when she attempted to upgrade the intraship communications module. Without a complete inspection, I cannot determine what happened to cause the errant routing of the intercom requests. However, from the description provided to me by you and Lt Uhura, it would seem likely that there was an unacceptable variable in the communications rubric which caused the connection from the sender to bypass the intended receiver and connect instead to the next person on the list. Lt Uhura and I will reinstall the upgrade and test it prior to allowing shipwide access to the communications module in question. We will alert you when our installation and testing are complete.
I look forward to reviewing the plans made by Lt Uhura and facilitating further planning on her part. I trust she has contacted Starbase Clapton to inform them that they will be hosting a Human wedding ceremony when we arrive. We need to add to the list of outstanding arrangements a general shipwide announcement of the upcoming ceremony so that those interested in attending will be made cognizant of the time and place of the occasion.
Should there be any additional areas of discussion about which you and I need to confer, I will make myself available at your convenience.
* * * * * * * * *
RE: Your response to my earlier memo
Thank you for providing your usual comprehensive response to the list of occurrences I provided to you upon your (long awaited) return to Enterprise. I have follow-up questions which I trust you will answer at your convenience. These questions are in no way intended to imply that your explanations were incomplete or unsatisfactory. I simply require further elucidation on the following points:
#1. Did you inform Yeoman Pryn as to the purpose of your scheduled meeting? It is, unfortunately, human nature to assume the worse when your supervisor requests an official appointment to talk with you. While Yeoman Pryn may understand that she is not being summoned to speak with you in order for you to reprimand her, I believe she still harbors tremendous, albeit unnecessary but very human, guilt over the ruination of hydroponics 5 aft lab. If you have not done so already, may I recommend that you inform her that you will be speaking with her about the positive aspects of her actions and not those for which she still believes she is to blame? (Yes, I know it's illogical but we humans can't help it sometimes. Trust me. You'll be doing you and her a favor by telling her beforehand - she probably won't cry if you tell her ahead of time the reason you want to talk to her. I know how much you hate it when you crew cries in front of you. No use denying it either.)
#2. If Ensign Cabrillia and/or Ensign Troval and/or one of their friends in the database management and restoration department have tampered with their personnel files or your logs, I will leave them both on Starbase Clapton without a look back. Demoting them won't be good enough. They will be discharged if you find any evidence of tampering by them or on their behalf. And the person or persons who did it will also be discharged, effective immediately. I'll deal with JAG over "due process." Due process be damned if they are altering electronic files. Let me know as soon as your investigation is complete. And, no, I did not demonstrate any new hand to hand combat techniques while you were gone. I barely had time to leave the bridge. But that's a different story.
#3. Lt Uhura is really embarrassed about what happened when she installed the upgrade. I assured her that I'm not angry about it. How could I be, really? I wouldn't have noticed it so quickly but I kept wanting to talk to Bones. Can you guess why? Well, never mind. I know you two will install it correctly and I won't be startled in the middle of the night by the recitation of one of Shakespeare's more descriptive sonnets. Remind me to read it to you soon.
We'll see to the transmission of the announcement of the upcoming wedding when time allows for the composition. Perhaps Shakespeare or Srobent have words we can borrow. There are arrangements which Uhura has been nagging me about that we need to settle. Not that I mind her nagging. Helped keep my mind off you being gone. I do believe in between nagging me, she did contact Starbase Clapton to request their assistance. I'll check with her during our next shift.
While there are other incidents which occurred during your absence, I would prefer to discuss them in person, with you, in our quarters. I know you got behind being gone but surely whatever it is you are doing can wait until tomorrow.
* * * * * * * * *
RE: Your most recent response to my most recent memo
Your most recent response to my most recent memo was indeed helpful. I have followed your advice in the manner described below:
#1. I contacted Yeoman Pryn and assured her that the discussion I had scheduled with her would not include any reprimands or corrective actions of any type. I believe she was relieved to learn of my intentions but cannot be entirely sure as she was crying too hard for me to understand everything she said. Her roommate, Yeoman Blaire, resumed the communication and assured me that Yeoman Pryn was indeed alright and there was no need for me to contact Dr. McCoy to request his assistance. I trusted Yeoman Blaire was being honest with me and I did not contact sickbay.
#2. I have made a brief albeit incomplete assessment of my logs and the personnel files of both Ensign Cabrillia and Ensign Troval. Upon initial inspection, I found no evidence that either of these databases had been subject to tampering or altering. I will perform a more complete diagnostic on both of these as time permits but I do not believe I am being premature in stating that they are guilty of much misbehavior, computer tampering not among them. I am not entirely confident that they could change my logs or their files and erase their tracks. While enthusiastic about astrophysics, their abilities do not always match the expectations I have of the majority of my science crew.
#3. I regret the embarrassment Uhura suffered by the incorrect installment of the communications upgrade. I have assured her that the fault may well lie in the instructions not in the installation itself. I believe you might state that she was skeptical of my response but still grateful for my attempt to put her concerns at rest. I also understand why you were in contact with Dr. McCoy so often during my absence. I was fully aware of the emotions you tried to conceal from me while I was gone. I regret that I caused you to be so lonely that you were forced to talk with the good Doctor on so regular a basis.
I will report to our quarters in 1.4 hours when alpha shift is complete. We can then discuss all outstanding arrangements for our wedding and any other concerns which you wish to confide to me.
I trust you will inform me should other information be required.
* * * * * * * * *
TO: My Spock
FROM: Your Jim
You know I love that you are a stickler for rules. Even when it annoys me. But could you please come to our quarters now? No one is going to report you if you leave alpha shift early. They'd have to file the report with me and guess what I'd tell them? Okay, your Vulcan reserve won't allow you to imagine it in its full Human glory. Trust me.
If you insist on remaining stubborn and, yes, as pig headed as McCoy always claims, let me respond to your response. Maybe the writing, reading, and replying will take up the rest of the 58 minutes until alpha shift is finally over.
#1. Yeoman Pryn can be emotional, even for a human. Thank you for easing her mind. I'm sure medical intervention was not required – hysterics tend to work themselves out with no permanent damage.
#2. I sure hope you're right about those two Ensigns. They aren't especially bright, are they? How they made it through the academy is beyond me. Well, I suppose someone has to graduate at the bottom of every class, right? You can transfer them from astrophysics if you want. I don't know who would accept them willingly but a transfer may be in order. And once I sign it, their new department head can't refuse to take them.
#3. That was very kind of you to tell Uhura that you might be to blame for the mistakes in the communications upgrade. You old softy. I'm sure she doesn't believe it any more than I do. I'm equally sure she is comforted by your assurance. I know you aren't going to understand how something she knows to be a lie will help how she feels about what happened but trust me – it's a human thing. We'll believe almost anything if it helps us get off the hook, so to speak.
We'll take care of all the arrangements tomorrow. I checked with Uhura and she did contact Starbase Clapton. She'll have a list of caterers and their specialties for us to review tomorrow. What we serve at the reception isn't that important to me as long as there are enough vegetarian choices for you. And plenty of real champagne. And a cake – which I know you won't touch. But it's tradition and the crew will love it. Did you tell Sarek and Amanda yet? We'll call Mom tomorrow too. During the day in Iowa. You'll have to figure out when that is.
Still anxiously awaiting your arrival in our quarters, your Jim.
* * * * * * * * *
TO: My T'hy'la
FROM: Your Spock
RE: Patience is a virtue
I will report to our quarters shortly. You have my word. Until I arrive, here is my response to your memo. We can talk about all of these when I get there. Once we have finished activities other than discussing ship's business. I do hasten to point out that I do not, in fact, have the head of a pig. Nor am I especially stubborn, for a Vulcan. Were there a contest among the entire crew of Enterprise to determine that person who was the most willful, I have no doubts that it would be her Captain who would triumph. We can also discuss this certainty upon my arrival.
#1. I have been fully aware for quite some time that Yeoman Pryn tends to the hysteric. She generally avoids a full blown display in my presence and I continue to be grateful for her restraint.
#2. The Ensigns in question are not the most intelligent crew members to be assigned to my science staff. However, I am not yet ready to abandon all hope of their improvement nor I am willing to make them someone else's problem. Although I do appreciate your willingness to reassign them.
#3. Whether or not Lt Uhura believed my explanation, I am aware of the comfort she received from my assurances. She is too highly skilled to allow her to harbor doubts about her qualifications. If I am guilty of a "white lie" to spare her feelings, I have no remorse over my untruth.
There are many more details involved in a Human wedding than I had been lead to believe. Had I had any idea, we would have simply gone to Vulcan and been bonded. It is a simple matter of arriving at the appointed place and speaking the sacred words under the watchful eye of T'Pau. No caterers, no alcoholic beverages, no confections made of too much sugar and completely devoid of nutrition. But I will fulfill my previous promise and not complain to you or Uhura as the planning of our nuptials becomes more and more complicated and time consuming. I have sent a message to Sarek and Amanda. I have not yet heard back. We will determine the most appropriate time to contact your mother in Iowa tomorrow when we are not both occupied in other activities. Of a nature we would not share with your mother or my parents. We do, as you would say, have much catching up to do.
I will now come to our quarters as alpha shift will be concluded in 12 minutes and my early departure will not draw notice.
I remain, for all times, your love.
* * * * * * * * *
TO: My Spock
FROM: Your T'hy'la
RE: About damn time
Hurry up. Ship's business can wait. I can't. And I'm sorry…well, no I'm not sorry we're having a Human wedding. The crew will love it. And I plan to hold you to your promise not to complain. I'll make it up to you, I promise. Starting just as soon as you finally get here! Which can't be soon enough.