I like my letters to Capcom. Well, writing them anyway. I might need to make a series, otherwise my account will be crowded with one-shots.
Disclaimer: I do not own Jack Krauser. Or his arm. Or his beret. Or his pants. Capcom owns it all.
Warnings: Hmmmm, I bet Krauser curses sometimes, so... LANGUAGE. And man, I'm making this man very, very vain.
Do I look dead to you? I'm pretty sure I don't, but just in case you do not believe me I will send along a picture of myself holding a 'Capcom's going down' sign. Have I made myself clear? Good, then it's time to get this thing over with.
Here's the deal dumbasses, I know that damn Leon wrote you a letter (which surprised me since he really isn't that bright) and I also know that Merchant wrote one. Since I have my own opinion on your damn game I decided to follow their lead. Not because I like following people's leads but because I'm Jack Krauser and my opinion should be heard.
I too will break it down into several paragraphs because I'm pretty sure you're too stupid to understand it otherwise. If I were you I would do a re-make very soon for my TMP has plenty of bullets left and to me it doesn't matter whether they're fired at ganados or game-designers.
Irritation number one: My late appearance.
It takes forever before I appear in the game. You need to understand Capcom that there are people that play this game because of me. Me, Jack Krauser. Thing however is, those people are disappointed because I only make a few appearances and for some reason get PWNED every time you see me.
I'm Krauser, I do not get pwned, I'm the doing the pwning. It's a sad thing you left that out and I hope, when you get your brain back, that you will think this over and decide to change some of my scenes.
Irritation number two: Ada Wong.
I'm not really commenting on her appearance in the game, I just felt the need to share with you that I really do not like her. Not one bit. Nor does Wesker.
And it really bothered me that you made her, Ada out of all people, kill me. She did not kill me. She didn't even hurt me. Why? Because I'm so damn intimidating that she was pretty much too scared to come too close to me in the first place. So make her stay away from me in the game aswell. Thanks in advance.
Irritation number three: My knife.
It has the same design on it as Leon's does. That suggests we are, or were, knife-buddies. Don't you think that's kind of lame? The only time Leon and I will ever be knife-buddies is when the blade of my knife slowly sinks down in his chest. Or throat, I'm not being picky.
Leon may be emo and he may like knife-buddies but I am not. I'm bad-ass and sexy, therefore give me a better knife. Maybe one with a naked woman etched into it, I do like naked women.
And ya know what? Naked women like me too!
Irritation number four: Flash grenades.
Do you know what flash grenades do? They blind people. And why do they do that? So the one using the grenade can run away quickly.
I'm Jack Krauser, I don't run away. People run away from me, some people run towards me, but it's never me doing the running. I don't run away from people because I'm bad-ass, and running away is for those who are weak. Like for instance Leon.
Also, if I were to blind people that would mean I would deprive them of their ability to see me. That's sad, I am sexy therefore I should be seen.
Do I make myself clear? Good, let's carry on then.
Irritation number five: Separate Ways.
Why does Wong get a whole extra game all for herself while you don't give me anything? Sure I'm unlockable in the mercenaries, but even there you screwed up. We will get to to that in a minute.
Listen, Ada is nothing but a stupid whore with a lame hair-cut. She betrayed me, she betrayed Wesker and every time she encountered Leon she made him even more emo than he already was. The only thing in the game that came close to the truth was when you made me say 'If it isn't the bitch in the red dress'. Because I actually said that. On more than one occasion.
Irritation number six: The Mercenaries.
A bow... Arrows... You gave me a bow and arrows?! You gave Wesker a fucking Magnum and you gave HUNK the coolest TMP there is, but you gave me a bow. And it didn't even have those awesome arrows that explode either, no they're just plain arrows.
I know you gave me that mutant-arm-trick, and it looks amazing, but it just doesn't cut it. I want my own TMP back, and fast! They all have better weapons than I do, save for Leon, and it's not fair. I think this has a lot to do with the fact that you like the thought of a dead Krauser. The fact you killed me is bad enough, but even in the mercenaries you just had to annoy the shit out of me.
Well, I'm not having it Capcom! Give me my fucking TMP back before I come over and make you!
Irritation number seven: Corpse-paint?!
Did you see my face on the mercenaries and during the fights with Leon and Ada? It has red paint on it. They have a word for that in the metal-scene, it is called corpse-paint. This only looks good on people in bands like Cradle of Filth. It does not look good on a sexy man with short hair, which would be me.
You need to understand something... My face looks great as it is. Also, it attracts enough attention already with the scars all over it. But no, you just had to take it a step further. Lose the corpse-paint! I know you like Jack Krauser as a corpse, but this is just a little too much.
Irritantion number eight: Wesker.
He's my boss and on some occasions I like him. Like when he pays me a lot, or when he tells me to get the hell away from him because he's sick of having me around. But Wesker, despite the fact you made him look like an assassin, isn't half as bad as I am.
As a matter of fact, Wesker is one of the laziest people on this planet. All he ever does is sit around, sending people on missions. Why he does that? Because he refuses to do things himself. He is lazy, I just told you.
So stop portraying Wesker as a bad-ass and start showing the real Wesker. The one that sounds like he needs a nap. The one that orders food because he's too lame to cook. Most of all, the one that wears pajamas during the day because for some reason he sleeps in every fucking day.
Wesker is a lazy bastard and the only reason I put up with him is because he pays me well. Oh, and I love his sunglasses.
Irritation number nine: Human Unit Never Killed, or HUNK.
The Mercenaries is fun to play, I admit. I like how you put HUNK in too, because he's kind of cool in his own freaky way. But Never Killed does not make a lot of sense to me.
It's HUNK, he returns from missions unharmed, so you'd think he wouldn't die during the mercenaries. Then tell me, how come he got decapitated by chainsaws, shot to death by J.J. and skullfucked by a Garrador?
I don't get it!
Human Unit Never Killed my ass. Mr. Death can die too, and after playing this damn game again I'm off to find him and prove it. Then steal his gasmask because it's bad-ass.
Irritation number ten: Merchant.
He kept calling me 'strangah'. I'm not strange, I'm Jack. And every single time he called me 'strangah' I shot him, only to see him re-appear later on in the game. Just so you didn't know; There is only ONE merchant, and he IS mortal. Please remember this because he's annoying the shit out of me.
Irritation number eleven: Saddler.
Saddler isn't scary, nor does he look like a hippie. He's a boring man with a boring life, leading a boring cult filled with even more boring people. So there I was, working for him, which would've made it a boring job. He didn't act the way he acted in the game Capcom. He didn't say 'Dispose of the swine while you're at it'. He said 'Leon annoys me, please put him on a boat to... away from here.' and then he went to bake cookies.
Yes, cookies. Las Plagas like cookies a lot, which is why some of them aren't very skinny anymore. El Gigante ate the most cookies of them all, which is why he became so large. I bet you didn't know that.
Anyway, Saddler wasn't bad-ass. So stop making him bad-ass. You make every character in the game seem cooler than the real people, except for me and Ashley.
You're a bunch of fucktards, change it.
Irritation number twelve: The Power.
I sounded gay when I said 'Witness the Power!'. I don't mind gay people, but I prefer to bang a woman. Or two, or three, I don't care.
That line just messed up the whole game. Do something about it, will you? Make me say something bad-ass, or make me curse a lot, but no more witnessing the power.
If you really, really want to use that line though, then make me flash my dick at Leon after I say it. At least the line will make some sense then.
Irritation number thirteen: Iron Maidens.
Iron Maidens are evil. Very evil. Evil to the fourth power indeed. But calling them Iron Maidens is stupid. Why? Because despite the fact I know what torture-device you are referring to, it's also a band.
And that band's mascotte, Eddie I believe, is a zombie.
And you make zombie-games.
So, in other words, stop stealing your damn ideas from metalbands. Corpse-paint, Iron Maiden, I am surprised there weren't any dancing ganados, so you could refer to Slayer's 'Dance with the dead in my dreams'-song Dead Skin Mask.
Irritation number fourteen: Leon.
You knew it was coming right? He annoys me.
"I died in a crash two years ago, is that what they told you?" I never said that! I said 'For the love of God Leon, get a new haircut,' when we met again.
"It's not like you can escape your inevitable death." I never said that either. I said 'You're going to get pwned sooner of later!'
"Krauser!" Leon never called me Krauser, he called me Captain Jack. As a matter of fact, he even sang 'Ey-oh, Captain Jack, bring me back to the Rainbow-track.' That's annoying, but the game could use some humor, so put that in will you?
Hnnn, well, I could give you some more examples, but I don't feel like it, I need to leave soon, so I'll keep it at that. The bottom line is, please work on the scenes where I'm meeting up with Leon. They are rather lame. Just like Leon, as a matter of fact.
Irritation number fifteen: Luis Sera.
Holy hell Capcom, he looks too pretty. He, during the game anyway, even made me question my sexuality. Give him some normal clothes and less pretty eyes okay? It's not healthy for a guy to look like that.
Hmpf, I suppose I am done now.
Well, not completely, but I will not bore you with my opinions on Salazar, Salvador and some of the lame treasures.
Please do work on the scenes I am in, and please do not forget to give me some more appearances. And make me more bad-ass! I did not get pwned that often, so scratch those scenes! It's so annoying to kill yourself in a game. It made me very sad. In a bad-ass way anyway.
(P.S. That picture I sent, please send it back after taking a look at it. I look so damn good, it has to be on my nightstand.)
Krauser. after Wesker, has to be my favourite in the RE-series. Hurray for Jack!
I'm working on Wesker too by the way, but it will be more like, based on RE CV, because he doesn't do shit in RE4.
Ahwell. I hope you liked it. If you did, please do review. If you didn't then I wonder why you read the whole thing.