Author's note: I am insane. No, really. I mean it.
HAKUNA MATATA HARRY
DUMBLEDORE: Asanta sanya squash banana! Weeooo weoo weeooo!
HARRY: Professor, shut up!
DUMBLEDORE: Sorry Harry.
HARRY: Why did you call me up to your office?
DUMBLEDORE: Because you are a baboon…and I'm not!
DUMBLEDORE: I mean, come this way.
(He leads Harry out to a plain covered in grass and clouds and whatnot.)
HARRY: Why do you have a countryside in your office professor?
DUMBLEDORE: Never mind that. What matters is…your past (oooooh.)
HARRY: The past?
DUMBLEDORE: Ah yes, the past can hurt.
HARRY: What? (Suddenly Dumbledore smacks him across the head) OW! Jasus! What was that for!
DUMBLEDORE: It doesn't matter! It's in the past!
HARRY: Look, you're being very strange professor Dumbledore and I really would like to leave right now. Where's Ron? Ron! Help!
(Suddenly the clouds move into the shape of James' head. Harry screams.)
JAMES: Hello son.
JAMES: yes, yes, it's me. James. Your dad.
HARRY: Yes, I…know. Um. You're dead.
JAMES: yes it's a bit of a shit really, but, ah, well I suppose it's worked out for the best, really.
HARRY: the best? My godfather's on the run from the law, the most evil wizard in the history of wizardkind has risen again, the minister for magic has a gherkin thrust up his backside, and I live with muggles! What do you mean, the best?
JAMES: Uh. Good point, Harry, good point. But the main thing is…you have a great amount of money.
HARRY: yeah, but I don't have any parents to spend it on me. Instead I've got a shit of an aunt and uncle.
(Lily's head appears in the clouds next to James'. Harry screams again.)
LILY: Watch your language, Harry.
HARRY: good Christ!
JAMES: hehehe. That's my boy.
LILY: James! Don't encourage him. I suppose he gets it from that Weasley boy.
HARRY: What's going on here? Why are there's people's heads in clouds?
JAMES: We were called here, Harry.
LILY: Yes. By you. We know you're unhappy. So we've come to tell you that, if we were alive, then you would be happy.
HARRY: Great. Thanks a bunch mum. I'll just go hang myself then, shall I?
JAMES: Aw, he sounds just like his Uncle Remus. All depressed and suicidal.
JAMES: Right, right, sorry (Ahem) YOU MUST AVENGE MY DEATH LARRY. I MEAN, HARRY.
JAMES: Sorry, what was that?
HARRY: How? I mean…Voldemort killed you. How am I supposed to kill him?
JAMES: Um. Harry- I AM YOUR FATHER.
HARRY: We've been over this. I know.
JAMES: Right. In that case- YOU ARE MY SON-
HARRY: Oh, bloody hell
JAMES: -AND THE ONE TRUE KING.
HARRY: Of what?
JAMES: NO. I just felt like saying that. Hehehehe…
HARRY: Good Christ. What a dipshit.
LILY: Sorry, sweetheart. He's usually much less dipshitty. He's been getting into the mead again.
HARRY: how can he drink mead? He's dead!
JAMES: Ah ha, but in heaven, there are rivers of mead! Sirius would like it. Send him up here, son.
HARRY: What, you mean kill him?
JAMES: Hm. No.
LILY: Look, the point is, Harry, that even though we're dead we love you very much.
JAMES: yes. And you are my son, and the one true-
LILY: No he isn't.
JAMES: Hee hee! This is fun! Let's go and appear to Sirius.
LILY: We have to anyway, to tell him we left the toaster on. Remember?
JAMES: Ooh, good point. I hope our house isn't burnt down. Come to think of it, I could really go for some toast right about now. And mead.
LILY: (Sighs disgustedly) Harry, how are you sweetheart?
HARRY: Extremely confused.
LILY: See? Look what you've done now! He'll be traumatised and go and hang himself.
JAMES: Good! Then he can come and drink mead with me and frolic with the dead centaurs!
LILY: (sighs again) Sorry about this darling.
HARRY: No problem. Seamus is always boasting about how much mead his dad can drink. Now I can say that my dad drinks more.
JAMES: Ha ha ha! Damn straight!
LILY: Bye Harry. We love you.
HARRY: Bye. I, um, love you too?
JAMES: Damn straight!
(They disappear. Dumbledore comes and smacks Harry over the head again.)
HARRY: Argh! I don't care if you ARE my headmaster, I'm going to hex you!
RON: Hey, Harry, what are you doing up here?
HARRY: Ron! Finally, didn't you hear me yelling before?
RON: Sorry, I was kicking Malfoy's arse. Hehehe. That was cool- uh, hey, is it just me or did a giant head just appear in the clouds?
DARTH VADER: Harry-(breathe) I AM-(breathe) YOUR FATHER-(breathe) AS WELL AS-(breathe) LUKE'S FATHER( breathe).
RON: Woah! Wild!
HARRY: Oh, good CHRIST!