Author's note: I am insane. No, really. I mean it.


DUMBLEDORE: Asanta sanya squash banana! Weeooo weoo weeooo!

HARRY: Professor, shut up!

DUMBLEDORE: Sorry Harry.

HARRY: Why did you call me up to your office?

DUMBLEDORE: Because you are a baboon…and I'm not!

HARRY: What?

DUMBLEDORE: I mean, come this way.

(He leads Harry out to a plain covered in grass and clouds and whatnot.)

HARRY: Why do you have a countryside in your office professor?

DUMBLEDORE: Never mind that. What matters is…your past (oooooh.)

HARRY: The past?

DUMBLEDORE: Ah yes, the past can hurt.

HARRY: What? (Suddenly Dumbledore smacks him across the head) OW! Jasus! What was that for!

DUMBLEDORE: It doesn't matter! It's in the past!

HARRY: Look, you're being very strange professor Dumbledore and I really would like to leave right now. Where's Ron? Ron! Help!

(Suddenly the clouds move into the shape of James' head. Harry screams.)

JAMES: Hello son.


JAMES: yes, yes, it's me. James. Your dad.

HARRY: Yes, I…know. Um. You're dead.

JAMES: yes it's a bit of a shit really, but, ah, well I suppose it's worked out for the best, really.

HARRY: the best? My godfather's on the run from the law, the most evil wizard in the history of wizardkind has risen again, the minister for magic has a gherkin thrust up his backside, and I live with muggles! What do you mean, the best?

JAMES: Uh. Good point, Harry, good point. But the main thing is…you have a great amount of money.

HARRY: yeah, but I don't have any parents to spend it on me. Instead I've got a shit of an aunt and uncle.

(Lily's head appears in the clouds next to James'. Harry screams again.)

LILY: Watch your language, Harry.

HARRY: good Christ!

JAMES: hehehe. That's my boy.

LILY: James! Don't encourage him. I suppose he gets it from that Weasley boy.

HARRY: What's going on here? Why are there's people's heads in clouds?

JAMES: We were called here, Harry.

LILY: Yes. By you. We know you're unhappy. So we've come to tell you that, if we were alive, then you would be happy.

HARRY: Great. Thanks a bunch mum. I'll just go hang myself then, shall I?

JAMES: Aw, he sounds just like his Uncle Remus. All depressed and suicidal.

LILY: James!


HARRY: Um…how?

JAMES: Sorry, what was that?

HARRY: How? I mean…Voldemort killed you. How am I supposed to kill him?


HARRY: We've been over this. I know.

JAMES: Right. In that case- YOU ARE MY SON-

HARRY: Oh, bloody hell


HARRY: Of what?


HARRY: really?

JAMES: NO. I just felt like saying that. Hehehehe…

HARRY: Good Christ. What a dipshit.

LILY: Sorry, sweetheart. He's usually much less dipshitty. He's been getting into the mead again.

HARRY: how can he drink mead? He's dead!

JAMES: Ah ha, but in heaven, there are rivers of mead! Sirius would like it. Send him up here, son.

HARRY: What, you mean kill him?

JAMES: Hm. No.

LILY: Look, the point is, Harry, that even though we're dead we love you very much.

JAMES: yes. And you are my son, and the one true-

LILY: No he isn't.

JAMES: Hee hee! This is fun! Let's go and appear to Sirius.

LILY: We have to anyway, to tell him we left the toaster on. Remember?

JAMES: Ooh, good point. I hope our house isn't burnt down. Come to think of it, I could really go for some toast right about now. And mead.

LILY: (Sighs disgustedly) Harry, how are you sweetheart?

HARRY: Extremely confused.

LILY: See? Look what you've done now! He'll be traumatised and go and hang himself.

JAMES: Good! Then he can come and drink mead with me and frolic with the dead centaurs!

LILY: (sighs again) Sorry about this darling.

HARRY: No problem. Seamus is always boasting about how much mead his dad can drink. Now I can say that my dad drinks more.

JAMES: Ha ha ha! Damn straight!

LILY: Bye Harry. We love you.

HARRY: Bye. I, um, love you too?

JAMES: Damn straight!

(They disappear. Dumbledore comes and smacks Harry over the head again.)

HARRY: Argh! I don't care if you ARE my headmaster, I'm going to hex you!

RON: Hey, Harry, what are you doing up here?

HARRY: Ron! Finally, didn't you hear me yelling before?

RON: Sorry, I was kicking Malfoy's arse. Hehehe. That was cool- uh, hey, is it just me or did a giant head just appear in the clouds?

DARTH VADER: Harry-(breathe) I AM-(breathe) YOUR FATHER-(breathe) AS WELL AS-(breathe) LUKE'S FATHER( breathe).

RON: Woah! Wild!