Disclaimer – I do not own Kingdom Hearts or any of its characters and I'm not making any money of these writings.
Beta'd – Very much unbeta'd so please forgive my mistakes.
AN – So here it is, Roxas POV. I'm sorry I didn't have it out yesterday but as I read through it I realized it sucked…still do by the way but I hope it's a bit better now. Axel is so much easier to write.
Anyway, here's the conclusion to my Midnight angsting.
I'm leaving. I have to, this place…This place is suffocating me, I can't breathe. Beady eyes following your every move, judging and nodding knowingly, secretly pleased when you fail. The only thing that's worthwhile and wonderful in the dump of a town is you…And you're not enough. Not anymore. I know that's a horrible thing to say but it's true.
Do you know that the first time I saw you, you took by breath away, I know I sound like such a girl admitting that but it's true. You were so sure of yourself, not caring at all how other people saw you. You just stood there tall and proud and magnificent. Then you looked at me, I still can't believe it but you saw me and you pulled me out into your world of color, painted me red and gold and vibrant, just like you. After seeing the world through your eyes I could never go back to being a ghost. You breathed life into me.
You were the first to see me, to actually believe that I could be someone. You saw something in me that was invisible to everyone else, even me. You saw me. Not the shadow of the right one, the good one, the one who was taken far too soon. You saw me and not the useless spare that was left behind.
Have I ever thanked you for that?
I doubt that I have, I'm good at pointing out your flaws but your greatness…I keep those virtues cradled in my hands, keep them close to me and stays silent about them. If you don't know how amazing you are, maybe then I could keep you. If you don't see your own greatness, then you wouldn't see the big fake I am. I am selfish and I wanted to keep you all to myself, to keep you bound only to me…And now I'm leaving.
Hey, I never claimed to be rational.
I'm scared; I'm so scared of going through with this. What if I fail, fall flat on my face and have to crawl back with my tail between my legs. Would you still want me if that was the case? Or would you turn your back with the rest of the world.
Ironically you made this happen. You gave me the courage to stand on my own two feet, to actually try. If it wasn't for you I'd still be in hiding, doing everything I could not to be noticed. Wrap myself in the grey shrouds of society, being one of the masses and fighting tooth and nail to get accepted, to not stand out.
Sometimes I pretend to be asleep, because I know you watch me then and I can feel your love. You have never said the words but I know, I have always known. You're not nearly as stoic and hard to read like you want to believe you are. It takes every ounce of strength I have not to open my eyes, wrap my arms around you and hold you close forever. But I know that if I did that you would leave, disappear like smoke through my fingers. You are a hard man to love, still I do and I always will.
I'm leaving for you too…It seems that with every brush of color you have painted on me you fade into the background. I can't do that to you. You are meant to shine. I hold you down and I know it. It's time for me to cut the strings, I have made myself depend on you and I hate it.
It stops here. I will leave and I will learn and I will grow. Someday I will be someone you can be proud of. Someone who can stand beside you and make you shine, give you color instead of draining them away.
I'm not rejecting you by leaving. I hope you understand that. I can't stay…I really can't stay and you won't leave. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you. Wild and strong, kind and brave. But then again, if you saw that…why would you have ever glanced at me in the first place? Me who's just a reflection of your light. You lit the flame in me but if I stay now will smother each other until there's only ashes left. I want us both of us to become strong, to make the fire brighter.
I love you.
I adore you.
I need you.
That's why I'm leaving. I don't want to need you, to live of your courage like some kind of leech. You catch me if I fall, you straighten my back when I've been broken down and you raise me higher than I've ever been. So I can't stay…I can't depend on you to make my life shine anymore.
I will go away, leave you behind…I will prove myself and I will become.
Don't think that I'm giving up on you, letting you go. You are mine! I have claimed you and I'll never let go.
That scares you, I know it does.
I am a selfish, selfish creature. I can't be with you right now but don't delude yourself into believing you'll be free when I'm gone.
Maybe I can come back one day. When I can breathe again.
One day. It might be soon and it might be years from now…Or it might never happen. If I did come back, I know you'd be here. 'Cause secretly you want me to come back. At least I hope you do. Maybe you don't even care. Perhaps I'm the one who has been fooling myself all along; wrapped in my obsession with you, turning you into a fantasy, someone who's not real. Just like I'm not real. A reflection of a distorted image and a fractured one at that.
Perhaps me leaving can put the pieces of who I am back together and I won't have to borrow colors from others to exist. Then I can shine on my own.
I hope that one day you'll see it.
Axel….even your name has attitude…And it's carved into my heart. Axel…No room for anyone else.
I see that you're not here…your shining being and spiky hair is missing from the mass of faceless people bidding me goodbye. When did they start to care? Maybe it's good you're not here, if I saw you I would waver. Locked in your gaze I would want to hit you, scream at you, throw you to the ground and to devour you until we were truly one and this awful pit of despair inside me disappeared for ever.
See, calling you names are easy but really, truly treasuring you…I can't do that now. I love you though; I love you more than the air I breathe. And so I'm suffocating. I love you but I cannot stay. My love for you is burning too bright, too intense and I don't believe either one of us is capable of taming it.
Love turns to pain in my hands…and I won't scar you anymore.
I'm leaving now, to learn how to breathe.
So for now my dearest loved one, for now it's goodbye. I have grown greedy and I can't feed of your colors and your strength anymore. I want my own rainbow and I want my own sky, I want to soar.
AN – Thank you so much for reading.