Zhao Yun, Dragon of… Wei, WTF?
What if Zhao Yun was a bit less of a twinky and more of a badass? DW6!DW. For runickenaz.
This idea came to a friend and I during AIM; Kitty, this one's to you! :)
One day in the lands of Shu…
"My lord, I've been thinking," Zhuge Liang said one day, after a Shu general conference had ended.
Liu Bei stopped making googly-eyes at his strategist to clear his throat abruptly and begin paying attention. He was Liu Bei, after all; virtuous pansy leaders didn't do any work, he was just the poster boy for virtuousness everywhere. "Yes, Zhuge Liang?"
Zhuge Liang was silent for a moment, stroking his bearded chin thoughtfully. "…How convinced are you of Zhao Yun's loyalty to Shu, my Lord?"
Liu Bei was outraged. "ZHUGE LIANG! HOW DARE YOU! To think that anyone—ANYONE—would dare question Zhao Yun's loyalty! NOT EVEN YOU CAN QUESTION ZHAO YUN'S LOYALTY!"
Zhuge Liang wanted to roll his eyes. This is the kind of crap that happens when you accept proposals from strangers who come to your house and beg three times, Zhuge Liang, his common sense reminded him. He ignored his common sense and continued.
"Zhao Yun wears blue armor, my Lord," he continued dryly. "Tell me, why would Zhao Yun wear the colors of Cao Cao's army, if his loyalty was to you?"
"Because…" Liu Bei's voice was muffled. "He… likes the color, that's why! And I allowed him to wear that color ever since that day!"
Zhuge Liang made a face. "Why does Zhao Yun get to wear his own colors? You forced my wife to wear that… that… that REVEALING garb instead of her usual robes because they weren't green enough for you!"
Liu Bei just mumbled more excuses under his supposedly virtuous breath.
Zhuge Liang found his lord to be less awkward than usual. By this time, he normally would've been whiny, crying about "the lack of virtue", and running off to bed.
"Cao Cao requested Zhao Yun to join his forces at Chang Ban! How do we know he's not trying a conspiracy with Cao Cao, and fighting undercover for Wei?" Zhuge Liang decided to just lay it on the table. There was no sense beating around the bush with Liu Bei; he was too naive/idiotic to figure it out himself.
Liu Bei shook his head stubbornly, his new annoying DW6 sideburns swinging wildly about his head. "No, no, no, NO! Zhao Yun would never betray me! And as for the other idiots, if they hadn't been in the range of Zhao Yun's spear, they never would've been hurt!"
Zhuge Liang sighed, thinking of the medic ward filled with Shu generic officers who were so boring they barely deserved names. Sure, they were cannon fodder, and only around to act as human shields for Liu Bei, but they got routed by Zhao Yun, who was technically an ally.
If Shu was being routed by their own allies, this Three Kingdoms plan isn't going to work at all, Zhuge Liang mused. Too bad I didn't join Wu like my idiot brother… lucky son-of-a—
"If you don't believe what I'm telling you, then come to the medic ward and listen to the generics—err, the active generals fallen in the line of duty," Zhuge Liang corrected.
Liu Bei, grumbling and pouting like his mentally retarded 2-year-old son (both a combination of bad genetics and being thrown into the ground like a football while Liu Bei proclaimed his joys for the return of Zhao Yun), followed Zhuge Liang to the medic ward, and his eyes widened in horror.
"You see!?" Zhuge Liang asked, making a face at Ma Chao and Xing Cai in the far right bed—if Zhang Fei knew what they were up to, two broken arms and a broken leg would be the least of Ma Chao's worries—and looking around the room at the rest of the injured men of Shu.
"Of course I see! Why is that flower pot crooked!?" Liu Bei demanded haughtily, storming over and re-adjusting the flower pot. He folded his arms.
"I believe my husband means the men of Shu are /injured/, my lord?" Yue Ying asked lightly, brushing her long curtain of red hair from her face. Her hairpin fell out; she made a face and bent over to retrieve it.
"Oh, damn it, where did it go?" she wondered, looking around for it; while the men of Shu seemed to recover well enough to sit up in their beds and look (what was Zhuge Liang going to do, hit them with his fan?).
Zhuge Liang glared at Liu Bei. "You've turned my wife into some—some prostitute! She is a woman of intelligence who deserves respect!"
"She looks like a woman!" Liu Bei complained, "What's wrong with that!? Besides, those dowdy robes weren't doing her any justice at all, she has fanboys now!"
"MAKE YOUR OWN WIFE LOOK LIKE A TRASHY HOOKER!" Zhuge Liang bellowed, losing his patience. "I have a FAN, Liu Bei, how do you expect me to fend off all these men trying to engage in sexual activities with my wife!?"
"My wife ALREADY looks like a trashy hooker! She's twelve years old! All twelve-year-olds dress like that!" Liu Bei shouted back. "Zhang Fei says Xing Cai went through the same phase! Twelve-year-old girls dress like slutty fairy princesses for attention!"
Liu Bei's eyes widened and he shook with terror. "Oh god. Here she comes. EVERYONE HIDE!"
Zhuge Liang grabbed Yue Ying's arm and they went to hide in the supply closet. Ma Chao pulled Xing Cai flush against his chest (somehow with two broken arms) and pulled the blanket over their heads. The other injured men of Shu hid under the covers.
Liu Bei, on the other hand, couldn't find a hiding spot in time; and was forced to endure the onslaught of the slutty, shrill twelve-year-old spoiled brat gift-from-the-Kingdom-of-Wu he called his wife.
"Liu Beiiiiiii, I can't find my panties! I bet you my stupid brother stole them! You should be the Emperor, Lord Liu Bei! You should be the Emperor and I'll be your wifey and we'll live together forever and ever and ever! And if anyone tries to stop you on your road to being the bestest Emperor ever I'll shoot 'em! With my arrows! Since I'm the super awesome Bow Princess—I MEAN, EMPRESS~! Since I'm not with those mean Wu people anymore, they're so mean! I mean, like, how could they EVER think of attacking you!? It's not your fault you took the Jing Province, I mean where else where you were supposed to live!? Stupid brother! He's not my brother anymore! I don't have a family! I'm going to be with and love you forever!" Sun Shang Xiang said, in about two breaths. "And your bratty son threw up on me, Liu Bei, he's such a brat, don't you ever discipline him!? He reminds me of my stupid brother who I hate! But I love you now and I don't care about my stupid brother anymore! The next time I see my stupid brother I'm going to shoot his stupid head off! I'll kill anyone who messes with you, Liu Bei! We'll show them what the power of LOVE and this quiver full of arrows can do!"
(A/N: ARRRRGH I HATE HER SO MUCH)
Sun Shang Xiang gave a winning smile.
Liu Bei did a facepalm. SUN QUAN, YOU WILL PAY DEARLY FOR THIS…
"Zhou Yu's best plan yet," Zhuge Liang commented, safely hidden in the closet with his wife. "I keep meaning to send him flowers…"
Yue Ying just snickered.
Somewhere in Wu…
"So, you think Sun Shang Xiang's pissed Liu Bei off yet?" Zhou Yu asked.
"I hope so!" Sun Quan cackled, "We get rid of her noisy squeaky ass and piss off Liu Bei at the same time!? We'd be /idiots/ not to take that offer!"
Zhou Yu joined in the cackling. "Sun Ce even suggested it!"
"Tomorrow's her thirteenth birthday, I believe," Sun Quan said, snorting, "perhaps Liu Bei might buy her a pair of underwear as a birthday present!"
And the two men kept on laughing, raising their cups in a toast to killing two birds with one stone the best damn way they knew how.
And meanwhile, as the Kingdom of Wei's first annual 'Zhao Yunapalooza' festivities came to an end, the former general of Shu was sitting in a seat quite similar to a throne, with several scantily clad women dressed in the finest scantily clad blue garments and jewels available flocked around him. Of course, the woman on his lap was the most scantily clad of all…
"I must say, Lord Zhao Yun," Zhen Ji cooed, batting her eyelashes at the former Shu general, trailing her fingers down his chest, "if I had known you'd grow to be such a handsome man, perhaps I'd have married you instead of that awful Yuan Xi!"
Zhao Yun chuckled lightly, glancing wearily over towards Cao Pi, whose glare hadn't faltered. Cao Pi was probably still surly over the whole, "I'm new to the DW franchise and the first thing you KOEI bastards show me doing is fighting Zhao Yun, thanks a lot for the slash references I'll never be able to escape from" thing.
"Zhao Yun of Chang Shan," Cao Cao said, and Zhao Yun jumped up to bow to his new lord (Zhen Ji squawking as she almost fell on the floor, which would've caused the third panty shot in this story and that's three too many!).
"You are so much more of a badass than Liu Bei, Lord Cao Cao!" said Zhao Yun, "I apologize for not joining your forces at Chang Ban originally!"
"Instead you mowed through my forces like grass to rescue Liu Bei's heir," Cao Cao said, shaking his head, "and that was when I decided I had to have you!"
"I've been making plans to abandon Shu since Liu Bei did a touchdown dance with the child I risked my ass to save," Zhao Yun said affirmatively, "and with the combination of myself and Lord Cao Pi, we will be unstoppable!"
Cao Cao nodded, smirking, raising his cup in a toast to Zhao Yun. "To the combined effort of Zhao Yun and that kid over there whose name I don't remember!"
"CAO PI," Cao Pi said, through gritted teeth, "Your son!"
"Oh, my son," Cao Cao said, nodding, "I have many of those~ come now, Zhao Yun, allow me to personally show you to your chambers…"
Zhao Yun's face lit up, and he nodded, following Cao Cao in the direction of the generals' living quarters. Zhen Ji made to follow, smoothing her white dress, but she hadn't taken one step before Cao Pi grabbed her arm.
"Oh, right, you're my husband!" Zhen Ji said, astonished, "I almost completely forgot!"
Cao Pi was gritting his teeth, a low growl sounding from the back of his throat. Curse that insufferable Zhao Yun!
"It could be worse, my dear, that obnoxious twelve-year-old Sun girl could be living here," Zhen Ji whispered, and that made Cao Pi cheer up quite immediately.
Just a silly fic. Playing around with the other characters is fun! :)