Maternity Leave - SOLDIER Style

Chapter One

The Quest for the... father?

The symptoms had been similar to the flu, and therefore Sephiroth felt he had an excuse as to why he hadn't realized sooner what was really plaguing him. The nurse had even said that it was, most likely, only a case of the flu though the great SOLDIER had never before caught a cold. In fact he was almost certain that it was genetically impossible for him to become ill, however odd that was.

Still, he had never seen the horrible twist of fate that was, in fact, not a cruel joke coming. No, nothing would have prepared him for the (NOT joyous) moment he learned that he was… pregnant?

The scream killed a person, or so Sephiroth had heard the next day. He wasn't quite sure how Hojo had come to that conclusion upon only giving him a once over, but Hojo was Hojo and there was no questioning his authority.

And so came the task of going over the (lengthy) list of people whom Sephiroth could ever recall having "sexual relations" with. He snorted at the mere word like a grade-schooler (yes, he is so mature) and began to cross off names that he knew were not connected to his unfortunate situation. The list was long, but then again it was double spaced. Then again there were names in those double-spaces. Not that he was a whore, or anything of that sort. Well, mostly anyway. He supposed that he could have figured out that none of the woman had anything to do with it, since, well; it would have been the other way around. That made the list shorter, though not by all that much. He labeled each encounter with a "C" or a "NC" though most had a "C" luckily for Sephiroth. The few that did have a "NC" were only that, a few. He could probably go harass the people about it but then he realized that maybe it'd be best not to spread around such a rumor about himself. Instead, he studied the list until his eyes felt like they'd fall out.

After vigorously looking over the names, three remained. He wished it was two, but no it was three;

Z.F.

R.S.

Reno

Sephiroth felt it didn't need to be hid that he had tapped Reno. Who hadn't honestly?!

Still, he could probably make R.S. to keep his mouth shut about it but at the same time he feared that he could not. Z.F. was not someone he liked to think about as being the father of anything. He was, The Puppy, after all. He was so immature when it came to delicate things like pregnancy that Sephiroth doubted he would find it odd that he, Sephiroth, a man, was pregnant. He would hold off that encounter for as long as he could. Last was Reno, and he was easy to persuade to keep his mouth shut.

"Hey, Reno." It might not have been the most inconspicuous approach but it worked nonetheless. The redheaded Turk was sitting in the lounge area designed for the Turks and them alone, not that anyone objected to Sephiroth entering. Not unless that anyone wanted to stay alive. "I think you're the father of my child."

Tseng, across the room, spit out his coffee. He stared blankly at the counter and just continued to stare. Reno looked up, half asleep, and let the words sink in. As they did so his eyes grew in size, coming to the realization. "What?" he asked, yawning lazily.

"I think. That you. Are. The Father. Of. My. Child." Sephiroth reiterated. Reno stared back at him, his mouth adjacent and his eyes had that far off look they got whenever he wasn't really awake, nor listening, but his eyes somehow managed to stay open.

"I think you broke him." Rude piped up, sitting beside Reno and calmly drinking coffee. He had the paper open and was reading an article on cloning.

Elena was holding back laughter. "He's heard it so many times but never from someone so important!" She laughed out loud. "He's really in for it, now!"

"Wait, wait, wait, wait!" Tseng snapped, whirling around. "Sephiroth," he pointed, "You. Are. A. MAN."

Sephiroth sent an icy glare across the break room. "That's what I thought." He hissed. Tseng shut his mouth and continued to stare at that counter blankly.

"Reno." Rude said, stoically of course. "Reno. Reno. Reno." He used so much of the same tone that Sephiroth almost felt like looking for the tape recorder playing the same thing over and over again. "Reno."

"I GET IT ALREADY, YO!" Reno screamed, his hair seemingly standing on end. "What the heeell?!" His face was as red as his hair, though not as silky.

Sephiroth grew sick of the charade and grabbed Reno by his collar, hoisting him up quite a good height. "ARE YOU OR ARE YOU NOT THE FATHER OF MY CHILD." It was not a question. It was a demand.

"No." Reno squeaked. "That's, erm, not possible because erm… well… ah! I know, we didn't do it like that. We did it like that other way."

Sephiroth was not amused by the idiot. "EXPLAIN."

"Well, you see, we didn't, erm," he paused to coughed and clear his throat. "Cause', well, we… I never, ugh, 'entered' you, yo?"

Sephiroth's face turned redder than the innocent Turk had and dropped him. He grunted in pain and straightened out his jacket. "Wait, what is this about?"

Sephiroth glared at him. "If you spread around anything about me I will kill you. Not just you, Reno. EVERYONE."

No one made a peep, not even Reno for once, but Sephiroth swore he heard a sob from Tseng. Whatever that meant.

Next on his list was R.S, he supposed, though he really didn't want to confront him. For two main reasons; 1. How would he react? And 2. He was the VICE-PRESIDENT OF SHIN-RA. That's right, Rufus Shinra. And before you ask "WOW Sephiroth EVEN DID HIM??" The answer is, "Duh."

Rufus was supposedly away on business, but he was really just taking a "vacation" at his manor. So that was where he had to go, whether he wanted to or not. Walking was so boring though, so he simply ordered Tseng to arrange a helicopter.

"What for?" Tseng asked when he called.

"A mission."

"I don't recall hearing about it from the President-"

"It's such an important mission he didn't want to tell you, okay?"

"…Are you –"

"JUST DO IT."

"Okay…"

When he arrived, he almost choked. Not because he was nervous about confronting Rufus, but that when he arrived at Rufus's room he found something rather interesting. Rather, heard first. What he wished he hadn't.

"Great, he's busy." Sephiroth said, face-palming and wondering what he could do now. Wait? Come back? Get in loads of trouble by throwing a huge party at the Shin-Ra manor? NO WAIT, FOCUS. He told himself.

Just as he stood, contemplating what to do, he heard something slam against the door and then the door be opened, mysteriously. The couple tumbled out onto the floor, scaring Sephiroth enough that he reached for Masamune at his side. "Ow!" A woman shrieked, and a man's voice grunted a reply.

A wide smile grew upon Sephiroth's lips as he looked down upon Rufus, who was currently beneath the woman. "Hey there, Rufus." He greeted, waving.

His face drained of color and he threw the woman off of him, onto the ground beside him and stood up, straightening out his… well, nothing since he wasn't wearing anything. At all. Sephiroth wolf-whistled, the grin spreading wider across his lips. "So, what's up…?"

"What do you want, Sephiroth?" He hissed. Sephiroth only grinned until he realized, with what became a grim realization, that he was naked. Stark-naked at that. "…oh hell."

This is the best thing I've ever seen in my entire lifetime. He thought. I will never forget it. He examined the man. "Hey, you're not that bad looking underneath that suit, either."

"Shut up!" He commanded. "And bring me some clothes."

"Why me?"

"You're a SOLDIER, aren't you?"

"…Okay, I'll find you something to wear." Sephiroth returned with a sleek, blood-red dress. "Here you go."

"…Sephiroth. That is not what I was wearing."

"Yeah but I couldn't find anything else. What'd you do with it, anyway?"

"…I hate you with words unspeakable in this Fanfiction." He slid on the dress, which Sephiroth conceded worked on him, but not out loud since he was still reveling in the fact that he got to see Rufus naked and embarrassed. Who ELSE could say that? Well, maybe Reno but… he'd rather not think of that.

"Now what do you want." Rufus snapped, arms crossed angrily over his chest. "It better be important."

"I think you're the father of my child."

The hooker burst out laughing so hard that she fell back onto the ground from her recent position standing, though also naked she seemed to have no shame. Then again, she was a HOOKER. What had Sephiroth expected? "I knew you were a queer!" She shouted. "You're paying me anyway."

Rufus glared back at the woman. "Dismissed."

"Wait, my payment!" She protested. Rufus threw his wallet at her. "Take it ALL. I don't care."

"Teehee, I hit the jackpot tonight! Even if it was poor sex, I got paid enough to make up for it. See ya, Rufy! Oh, and you can keep the dress! I have spares in my car."

Rufus turned back to Sephiroth, face redder than before. "Did you really just accuse me of being the father of your… child?"

"Yes, I did. Now tell me; ARE YOU OR ARE YOU NOT THE FATHER OF MY CHILD."

"How could I be? See, I know this may be hard for a mere SOLDIER such as yourself to grasp, but I have a condition that keeps me from ever impregnating another woman. Or… man." He added, still unsure of how all of it had come about.

Sephiroth bit his tongue. "You're infertile?"

"Unfortunately." He said, truly, genuinely embarrassed though hiding it the best he could. "Now can you leave me be?"

"Yeah, sorry Shinra. But now I have dirt on you and if you tell anyone about me, I tell about you. Understand?"

Rufus nodded and walked back into the room, cleaning up the "mess". Sephiroth left promptly but it wasn't until he was in the helicopter and in the air did he realize, "HOLY FUCKING GAIA THAT MEANS THAT IT'S ZAAAACCCCCCKKKKKKK!"


Erm, should this be rated M? He only says the "F-word" once and well… Rufus is naked/in a dress (PFFFFFTTTTLOL) and the hooker thing…

Also, sorry for the sad-ness-ish part with Rufus but it seemed plausible and legit, ya know?

Anywho, there'll be an explanation for Sephiroth's "Pregnancy" later, and it actually kinda… works? I know, WTF but Mpreg is not something I regularly do. But this is a crack-fic anyway.

AND LOLOLOLOLOLOL Zack. That's all I'll say about the last part.

Final Fantasy © Square Enix (If I owned it. This would be canon.)