This is all fiction coming straight from the depths of the cave known as my brain.
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Best Part of Believe is the Lie
I have gone online and read the ferard stories those kids posted a couple times. While I'm online reading those stories I feel like it's real, like I'm in a fantasy world. After my thoughts are torturous. In truth it's nothing like that. In fact Gerard doesn't even consider me his best friend like people believe. Goes to show that best part of believe is the lie, thank Fall Out Boy for that gem. I wish I could say those stories are true. I even wish for the tragic stories to be true where I die from some disease or get murdered for being gay. Hell, I even wish the stories where Gerard just used me or cheats on me and breaks my heart were true. I just want Gerard to acknowledge me as more that a punching bag.
Against the widespread belief, Gerard and me are not best friends. In fact we can't even be considered friends. This isn't my will at work, it's his. Gerard hates me. You can say 'Oh no! You're wrong! That's just you over reacting!' but it's not. Haven't you guys seen Life on the Murder Scene? He ignores me! He goes to great lengths to get away from me. He hated that he had to sit next to me on the couch. I can tell you this; he is a fabulous actor.
I don't want to Gerard to hate me. Far from it. I want him to love me back but I would settle for being his friend. I'm not sure why I'm still in love with Gerard after all these years. It's just who I am. It's just like being gay. I've been beaten up what feels like hundreds of times for being gay, but I wont pretend to like girls and I won't stop liking boys. No matter how much Gerard hates me and no matter what names he calls me, how many times he hits me, how many times he breaks my heart I wont stop loving him. I wish I didn't love him. I wish I hated him. I wish I could hate him as much as he hates me, as much as I hate myself.
I remember being on the bus and over hearing the band talking outside. I remember Gerard's exact words and how deep he cut me. Gerard said, "I love this band and everyone in it. Well... not everyone. I honestly kind of hate Frank. He is just another punk kid who doesn't care about shit! Not a thing but himself. If he wasn't such a good guitar player and if Mikey didn't like him so much I'd have kicked the fucker out of the band already." I just continued my way down the tour bus steps and walked past them like I didn't hear even though I knew my face showed a mixture of hurt and anger. They all went silent as I passed. When I was bout 10 feet away Mikey jogged up.
"Where are you going?" He looked like he was about to cry. Mikey is a great guy like that, if one of us hurts, he hurts too. You have to love him.
"Just going to take piss," I replied nonchalant. Mikey nodded. "You can go back," I continued, "I'm going to practice before the show tonight."
"Okay." Mikey turned, he jogged back a couple feet then stopped, adding, "Please, don't mind Gerard."
I just nodded and kept on walking. Instead of practicing I ended up falling to the bathroom floor, chocking on my sobs. Looking in the mirror and feeling that intense hatred again had been too much.
Always, my thoughts were the same. I can never be enough for Gerard. I'm not sure how to please him. I do care a lot, about everything... everything beside myself. I hold as much blood boiling, blinding hatred that makes your skin crawl and your muscles twitch for myself and I do love that has your stomach doing back flips and your heart jumping through your chest for Gerard. I just can't understand why I can never be good enough to acknowledge me as a good person, a friend. Instead I'm a loser. One that the most caring person, Gerard himself, even hates.
To hide my self-loathing I did crazy things. I let out my love for Gerard on stage; I let out all my pent up love through the energy it gave me.
My heart ached knowing I could never be enough for Gerard. Those ferard moments were fake and he always remembered to remind me of that after the show. With a toothbrush hanging from his mouth he would scream, "Get out of here you bitch! You already mouth raped me! What more do you want?"
This is all the past now, but I still can't stop loving Gerard. My days with Gerard's constant putdowns all ended with going out after a show.
I decided to break away from the band in this one club. I knew for sure there were no openly gay men there and I didn't want to go home alone. By home I mean the tour bus. No, I wouldn't bring the guy on the bus to have sex with him. We could do it in one of the empty tent set up outside.
As I walked down the street I spotted a gay bar and entered. I drank a few beers and danced with several guys before I met this one guy. We were starting to really like each other and planning to 'mingle' that night when Mikey pulled me away screaming in my ear over the loud music that we had to go.
"But Ish wash gonna geet sum!" I slurred when we made it out of the club.
"You're drunk!" Mikey screamed at me, "you can't just hook up with random guys! You have to really love them!"
"Oh thhhhannk yoooouw!" I cried right back, right in Mikey's face. "You don know wats good pour me! Beeesssides, the guy I lurv hats me!" Mikey cringed and stood quietly.
Mikey couldn't deny that Gerard hated me and even though I knew it my heart sunk. From the start Mikey had know about my love for Gerard and his hatred for me. Mikey just draped my arm over his shoulder, supporting my weight as we walked back to the tour bus.
Before we got there my weight was pushed off Mikey and thrown to the ground. I looked up dazed and came face to face with Gerard's friend Bert.
Bert hated me just as much as Gerard, if not more. I think he hated me double the amount Gerard hated me. Bert sneered down at me. "I don't think Gerard will like this worthless fag hanging off his brother. What did you think you could do? Get in Mikey's pants and Mikey would tell Gee how good it was so Gee would like you too? Fat chance! You're scum! You don't deserve to live! You're a disgrace!" By the end Bert was pounding me.
I had started to sober up so I felt each blow. I thought he was going to kill me. I just curled up into a ball and took each blow and each insult directed at me.
When his blows and screams halted I peeked out to see Mikey getting slapped by him while Bob and Ray fought to get him back. Panicked, Mikey pulled me off the ground screaming that we had to go and to hurry up.
As we rushed through the streets tears gushed down my face. When we got to the tour bus Mikey ushered me in quickly. I went straight to my bunk, crawling into bed, grunting in pain and tears streaming down my face. I hid under my covers while sobs shook my whole body, pain pulsing through me.
I didn't notice Gerard until he spoke, "What's he crying about?" No one responded so he went on. "Hey! You! Frank! You get beat up trying to get in some boys rear?"
"SHUT UP! Mikey roared uncharacteristically. "Just shut up Gerard! Why?! Huh?! WHY?! You always speak down to him! You always treat him like shit! Is it because you're trying to hide your feelings?! There is no need for you acting like this! You liked him for over a year when you first met! You knew he was gay the whole time! So what?! You got a crush on him and this is how you deny it?!"
"Fuck you!" Gerard screamed back. "Fuck you! I DO NOT LIKE HIM! I don't like that fucking lowlife freak! Look at him! There is nothing to like about him! He's a hobbit that is ugly as shit! Wh-what is there to like?! What?!" It sounded as though he had started crying.
"Gerard! Don't you start this shit again! You know you like everything bout him! Every time we are alone you start whining 'Oh why does he have to be so cute? Why does he make my heart beat all crazy? Why do I love him so? Why do I have to hurt him so much?' When you finally admitted you love him I told you he loves you too! Ever since I told you you've been the biggest dick imaginable to him! Tell me the truth, did you have Bert beat him up tonight? Did you have your fucked up friend beat the boy you love?"
I was slipping in and out of consciousness. I though that by now everything I heard was my imagination. I heard someone approaching. Someone pulled back the curtains to my small bed.
"Frank! Frankie!" My heart went in my throat. Gerard was speaking directly to me, calling me by name and nickname, not bitch, freak, or fucker. "Frankie, turn around." Groaning in pain I did as he told me. "Who did this to you?" Gerard gasped out. Obviously I looked horrible.
I hid my face under the blanket. "Who do ya thenk?" I answered drowsily. "Bert fucking McCracken, your gay bashing best friend."
"He's not my friend anymore we haven't been friends for awhile now. Come on, get out. We'll get you cleaned up." I didn't dare move an inch, I refused to believe it. Was Gerard trying to trick me so he could finish me off? Was Mikey in on it too? No, Mikey wouldn't but Gerard... "Come on Frankie. You've got to get up. Get out of the blanket." Gerard's voice was soft, how he used to talk to me when we were friends.
"Mm not comin out." I spoke, my eyes drooping closed, Mm too tirrred." I yawned and settled down to sleep. Obviously Gerard couldn't deal with that and I felt his arms wriggling under me and was lifted out of bed.
I protested weakly but let Gerard carry me. Gerard set me down and pulled the blanket off me. Mikey let out a gasp as I pulled up into a ball on the couch seat, shielding my eyes from the light. "Is it that bad?" I grumbled.
"No, just seeing it is shocking at first. Theres a lot of blood and tears wanna see?" Gerard asked holding up a small mirror. I caught a glimpse of myself as I pushed the mirror down. Exactly what I deserved. Too bad he only gave me a couple cuts, a scratch on the cheek and a bloody nose, he should have killed me.
Gerard wet a cloth and cleaned up all my wounds, forcing me out of my shirt and pants. I groaned with every movement, my bones aching.
"All good," Gerard said, putting the mirror in front of my face. I stared at my reflection for a couple seconds before the blinding anger flowed through me. I grabbed the mirror and threw it with all my might. It crashed against the front of the bus and broke into a million pieces. I folded my knees into my chest, wrapping my arms around them and resting my head on my knees, my face towards the wall.
Silence filled the room, then Mikey sighed. "What are we going to do with you Frankie?" Mikey asked, sounding disappointed. "You are fabulous, why can't you see that?" I just pulled myself closer to the wall, tightening the hold on myself.
I felt Gerard move. A minute later someone sat down behind me, pushing against my back with their chest, their legs on each side of mine and their arms around me. They placed their head on my shoulder then Gerard was whispering in my ear, "I'm sorry Frankie, I'm so so so so soooo sorry. I'm so sorry. I never knew he'd act like that. I thought I could trust him with my secret. I'm sorry, I brought this upon you. I'm sorry my love."
My love? By now I was quite sure I was delusional. I thought that this fabulous boy could never love me. It must be a trick I told myself. Oh well, even if it was me going crazy or a trick I can play along and get some happiness even if my dreams coming true is fake.
Gerard pulled be back into him. I was still on edge thinking it was a trick but I was so tired I ended up falling asleep on Gerard. I was woken up a minute later by Gerard. "Come on babe, we're worried you might have a concussion."
"So, you can't go to sleep for awhile," Mikey chirped in.
"Fuck you." I curled back up and tried to fall asleep.
"Frank! Come on, it's dangerous, if you do have a concussion and you fall asleep you could die!" Mikey pulled me back up.
I stood up and began walking to my bunk. While walking I spoke, "Fine with me. It would be about time, isn't that right Gee?" With a backward glance I jumped into my bunk with a groan, my body protesting the movement.
"No," I heard Gerard say. I wanted to just ignore him and not care what he had to say but I couldn't, I love him too much. I hung on his every word as I heard him getting closer and closer. "I know I made you think I didn't care, that I hated you. I know that I hurt you and I know I love you. I also know that you love me and though what I did to you was unforgivable you will forgive me. You shouldn't and I wish you wouldn't but babe, I know you. You are too kind, too caring, too forgiving." He was right outside my bunk and since I didn't have the strength to pull back the curtain I saw his bangs covering his eyes and tears rolling down his cheeks when I peeked out from my folded arms. " I don't deserve your love. For over a year now I have been neglecting to tell you my feelings and I have been tormenting you. It wasn't supposed to happen like this!" Gerard punched the wall.
"What do you mean?" My voice was deflated, barely audible above a whisper.
"I..." Gerard met my eyes, "I've been trying to change, and, and I have, somewhat. This whole thing has been my fault. I over reacted when I found out my feelings for you, I was scared and I didn't want to get hurt. I was selfish, instead I hurt you. And now this, god, now this." Gerard shook his head; tears began to flow again. "I...I told Bert, about my feelings for you and he freaked out. I'm sorry."
"Gerard," I whispered, reaching out to wipe his tears away. "It's not your fault about what he did, and I forgive you for everything you did to me. It's fine, I deserved every lest bit of it and some more."
"NO! No, no, no, no, no, NO!" Gerard screamed shaking his head violently. His eyes over flowed with tears and his hair shook about his face. "Stop it! You were never this way! Did I hurt you that much? To make you hate yourself? Did I?"
"No," I responded, still whispering "it's just the truth of it; I'm no good. Ha, I'm not even good enough to be considered trash!"
Gerard screamed out in frustration, making me jump. "Listen here!" Gerard screamed, "You are not trash! You are not worthless! You are great! You are beautiful! You are smart and you are the most caring person in the world! You are the exact opposite of anything I ever said negative about you. I lied, everyday. You are amazing! Why can't you see that? Why? Why would you let someone like me destroy you? You re too good for me! I've broken you and you still love me. Please Frankie, see yourself for who you really are. You are the most amazing person."
By this point even I was crying. "Gerard, I just, I just can't. Even you didn't want me. I never asked for you to love me, I'm sorry. It's my fault. I forced you to because you found out I loved you, but I wasn't good enough. I'm still not, I will never be. I ... I didn't want to force you into a relationship though, I... I just wanted someone to talk to; someone to lay next to me and just promise me it would be okay. Gerard, I'm sorry."
"Stop apologizing Frankie." Gerard pushed me onto my side and climbed into my bunk. Before I knew it he pulled me on top of him and was kissing my forehead. "It wasn't your fault and you know it. You're saying all this to make me feel better and to make me look better in your eyes."
"No matter what you say, you're perfect in my eyes." I interrupted.
"Ah, same back at cha." Gerard smiled faintly at me. "Frank, please, let me redeem myself, make up all the bad I did to you and make up all of the time we lost." I nodded into Gerard's chest. "I promise Frankie, everything it going to be all right now; I am going to make it all better.
I remember staying up until dawn talking to Gerard. When I was finally allowed to fall asleep Gerard kissed me and whispered "I love you, babe" into my ear and pulled me close. I snuggled next to him, my nose resting in his hair, breathing in his scent.
Gerard was right, he did know me, I did forgive him and I do love him. Others might not understand but damn it all; it's the power of love.
xxx THE NEXT DAY xxx
Bob Bryar walked into the bus' kitchen confused. "Gerard and Frank are all cuddled up in Frank's bunk..."
"Mhm, Gerard FINALLY grew a set and manned up and told him how he felt." Mikey responded.
"About fucking time. It's not like it was a secret."
Gerard and I just exchanged glances then snuggled closer, enjoying each others company, at last. The best part of believe is the lie and I believed Gerard's lie that he hated me for so long.
So here it is, up and edited.
I posted it yesterday but I never got to edit it, I was forced off the computer so I quickly put it up.
I usually don't have that many errors but I was working on the clock,
I had to rush through it,
not a good feeling.
Then I got a review that said I had bad grammar and I got pissed.
I could barely keep my eyes open as I typed so I was drinking soda trying to stay awake and typing as fast as possible so I could get something out, even if it was full or errors. I had every intentions of going back and correcting them. If you read my other stories I think you would agree that I am very good at keeping good grammar and spelling, I try my best at least. So I know they did not mean any harm but I still got every upset.
I have been running on fumes lately.
I get sleep but not enough and being sick and stressed is not helping at all.
I am of course battling the never ending fight with depression as well.
So give me a little flexibility here with corrections.
I figured people would rather read an unedited story then nothing at all.
That being said, now people may read the edited version, it is much easier to read and not such an eye sore.
Much love and as always, please review.
There is a team with peanut butter apples standing by ready to throw at the houses of everyone who does not review.