Dedicated to FallenAngel2194. If it hadn't been for reading your profile, and finding the 20 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Insanity, I never would have thought of this story. So, thank you! ^.^

Summary: Reno gets an evil idea.

Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue.

20 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Insanity

#5: Put Decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to Expresso.

Reno sat at his computer, sea green eyes flicking over the emails lazily, not really interested in them. They were all a bunch of ShinRa propaganda anyway. Until something from a one, Zachary Fair, caught his eye. Curiously, he opened it, and as he read the email, his eyes burned with an unholy light from within, even as his sensuous lips curled into a sadistically amused smirk. Oh this was going to be fun.


3 days later

"I think I'm sick Reno," Elena whined, massaging her head with the hand that wasn't holding her coffee cup. Reno smirked, shrugging slightly as he drank down his own cup of coffee. Rude and Tseng were staring into their cups, with identical looks of suspicion on their faces. At the same moment, they both looked up at Reno, who blinked wide, innocent eyes at them.

"What?" he asked guilelessly, draining his own cup dry without waiting for them to answer. He set it down on the counter, and turned, getting out the ingredients to make a fresh pot of coffee. He knew that Tseng was watching him with narrowed, dark eyes, taking in every detail of what he was doing. He smirked widely, glad that his back was to his fellow Turks. Let Tseng look all he wanted. He was never going to figure out Reno's diabolical plan.


1 week later

"What the hell is wrong with all of ya?" Reno asked lightly, as he walked into the office, to see Elena staring off into space, coffee cup in hand. Rude was leaning against the fridge, staring blankly into his cup. Holding back the smirk of satisfaction when they both started staring at him without really seeing him, he went over to the coffee pot and poured his own cup. Dumping in sugar but no cream, he drank the scalding liquid in three gulps, pouring himself another immediately.

"Do you feel any different, Reno?" Tseng asked from the doorway, and Reno swung around, shutting down the instant sympathy at seeing the dark circles under his superior's eyes. He smirked, leaning against the counter as he gave Tseng his best innocent look.

"Nope. Why do ya ask, bossman?" he said, finishing his coffee before looking back at Tseng. The Wutainian only shook his head, indicating the entire floor with a simple wave of his hand.

"Everyone in the office is feeling a bit…off, lately," he said vaguely, before walking out of the room. Rude followed him after getting himself another cup of coffee, and Elena continued to stare out the window. Whistling a happy tune, he sauntered out of the room, heading to his own office.


2 weeks later

"I'm happy to see that you all seem to have gotten over what has been ailing you," Tseng said, nodding to each of his main Turks, as they sat around a conference table. Reno hid his shit-eating grin behind his cup, nodding his acceptance to his boss. Rude was across from him, and without his sun glasses, his black eyes were bright and shiny, full of energy. Elena was also bright eyed and bushy tailed, her foot bouncing jauntily against the floor. His little plan was taking a lot of time to implement, oh but it would be worth it. He just had to wait one more week.


3 weeks later

Reno walked into the office, his nerves drawn taunt enough that he was surprised his muscles weren't humming. For three weeks his fellow Turks had been drinking decaf coffee, and last night he had switched it once again with a coffee, that the man at the store had called 'Foglifter', that had more caffeine in it then espresso. The moment he stepped into the small kitchen, he knew it had worked. Elena was pacing back and forth in front of the large windows, and even stoic Rude was tapping his foot, at his usual position against the fridge. Reno took his own cup, because he could always use a boost to his naturally hyper system, before he got an even eviler idea.


"Hey Zack! I got something for ya!" Reno called, walking into the office three floors down of the 1st Class SOLDIER. Zack looked up in happiness and surprise, grinning widely when Reno walked in with a whole tray of coffee cups.

"Aw you brought me coffee," Zack said, smirking. Grinning, Reno said nothing, and only handed his friend a cup. The 1st sniffed it suspiciously, before grinning widely again, and draining the cup dry. Zack took another of the six cups that were on the tray, making an appreciative noise in his throat as he drank that one too.

"Damn man, that some of the best coffee I've had. Strong to, just how I like it," the 1st said, nodding his thanks. The red head smirked, setting his own drained cup back on the tray.

"Ya think Angeal or Sephiroth would want some?" he asked, ignoring the swift narrowing of Zack's eyes, as he dumped sugar into his fourth cup of the stuff. He looked back up in time to see the expression clearing, as the 1st took his third cup.

"Angeal doesn't drink the stuff, but Seph would probably enjoy it," he admitted, then looked at the two cups that were left on the tray. "You'd have to make more though. Two cups aren't going to do it." Reno grinned wickedly before he could help it, smoothing it back into his usual cocky smirk when he saw the alerts going off in Zack's head.

"I'll do that yo," he said, putting one of the two cups on Zack's desk, before swiftly getting up and walking out the door.


"Hey Mr. General! It's Reno of the Turks yo!" he called through the door, calming his jittery nerves with an effort when Sephiroth called for him to come through. In one hand he had an empty coffee cup. In the other, was a carafe of the Foglifter, extra strong. He had taking a full pot of the coffee, dumped the liquid back into the machine, and then made more. If Sephiroth didn't get even a slight buzz off this shit, he would willingly clean Rude's, and Elena's apartments.

"I thought I told you not to call me that, Reno," Sephiroth said coldly, not even looking up from his paperwork as Reno entered. The red head only grinned, because thanks to Zack, he knew Sephiroth better then most people. He wouldn't be killed for a simple pet name…would he? Swallowing silently, he set the carafe and cup on the desk, his grin returning when Sephiroth looked up, nostrils flaring.

"I figured ya could use some good coffee, and not the shit the cafeteria uses," he said, plopping down in the chair across from Sephiroth, fighting with everything he had not to fidget, and betray his overwhelming energy. Sephiroth noticed, but Reno had one of the best poker faces. He smirked, eyelids lowering as he blatantly let heat fill his eyes, openly examining the General in front of him. Sephiroth blushed slightly, something that still utterly amazed Reno, and quickly poured himself a cup. He drank it straight down, no sugar or cream, and Reno mentally patted himself on the back as Sephiroth looked at him with surprised eyes.

"This is good, Reno," he admitted, and Reno nodded.

"Yep. Now make sure you finish it all off, or my feelings are gonna be hurt, yo," he said, standing. He sauntered off, waiting until the door closed to quicken his pace. He just had to get back up to his level. It was only 10 in the morning, and if he was feeling the caffeine, then he knew his fellow Turks would be.


"- so I was like, 'You know, I could kill you as easily as I could fuck you,' and she was like, 'Yea, you may kill me, but I'm still not going to fuck you,' so I was like -" Reno stared, jaw dropped open onto the floor. Rude's mouth was running a mile a minute, and as he stood there and listened, he learned more about his partners sex life then he ever wanted to know.

"- well you should hear some of the shit that I have to deal with being a girl. This guy, he was like, 'Oh my Gaia, you're a Turk! Hurt me! Whip me!' I was like, 'Holy shit dude, you just met me, and 'cause I'm a Turk, you want me to go all bondage on your ass?', so he got all pissy and was like, 'You're a stupid bitch, teasing a guy like that', so of course I was like, 'Yea, let me just show you how much a Turk I am you dick -" Elena said. Reno could only stare at her too. It wasn't unusual for Elena to talk about her sex life, but she was rattling off words like a machine gun, and he actually jumped when they both turned to him, wide, manic grins on both faces.

"Reno! I don't know what's going on, but I have so much energy! It's like, someone gave me a happy pill or something! Oh, did you see the flowers that I got for my apartment? There so cute! I saw this rabbit the other day, and I had to shoo it off from my flowers, but ya know how the furry assholes are. There are still deer living in the woods on the other continent, did ya know? I saw them the last time…" Reno zoned her out, hearing the bell of the elevator, and with a sinking feeling in his stomach, he knew who it was that was coming into the Turks domain. Elena continued to rapid fire her words, even as he turned, nervous energy fluttering in his belly as he looked down the hallway, mouth going dry when Tseng, Zack, and Sephiroth all turned the corner. He tried to run, but knew it was futile when a strong hand grabbed his upper arm, and started dragging him down the hallway. He didn't even protest when he was thrown into his own office, the three men filing in after him. Zack started talking as soon as the door closed, his eyes glowing with a queer light.

"What did you give me? Do you have more? Can I have it? Reno, dude, you gotta tell me what that shit was, cause it rocked! I have got to get more of it. I haven't felt like this in a long time dude! I got so much energy that I know I could go after some serious rebels and so totally kick their ass! Dude, seriously, you gotta give me more of that shit -"

"Zachary," Sephiroth snapped, and Zack shut up instantly, though he continuously fidgeted, finally giving up and starting to pace around the room. Reno couldn't keep from smirking, as he took in Sephiroth's dilated pupils, and the slight twitch in his hands that he couldn't hide.

"What did you put in the coffee, Reno?" Tseng asked, and Reno gave him an innocent look. It wasn't feigned either. He hadn't put anything in the coffee…exactly.

"I didn't do shit, yo," he protested, crossing his arms over his chest and leaning against his desk, trying his damndest not to twitch like his body was screaming at him to do.

"Reno," Sephiroth said quietly, and the red head cursed, seeing the pleading look in the General's eyes. Sephiroth didn't understand what was happening, and the damn General had a puppy dog look that rivaled Zack. Speaking of Zack…he looked over his shoulder, only to see the black haired 1st talking animatedly to a potted plant in the corner, with exaggerated gestures and everything. Sighing, he raised a hand and scrubbed at the back of his head with it, grinning sheepishly.

"Well, it was simple. Zack sent me this email that got me to thinking, yo. Which probably isn't a good idea, now that I'm thinking about it, but, anyway. It was a list of 20 ways to keep yourself insane. It was pretty cool, with all these nifty ideas yo. Like there was one about greeting all your friends with a tackle, or some shit like that…" he blinked, then cleared his throat. "Anywho, number 5 was: Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone gets over their caffeine addiction, switch to espresso. Well, the shit I got wasn't espresso, it was stronger." He took the opportune moment when they were all speechless and staring at him, to dart out the door. He sprinted past a very confused Elena and Rude, snickering helplessly to himself when he heard his name roared by three men. He couldn't help it. At the doorway to the stairs, he turned back, smirking at the three as he tilted his head, looking their bodies over with obvious lust.

"If only you three would scream my name in bed yo," he let them hear his wistful sigh, and while they were gaping at him stupidly, he snapped them a mock salute, and then bolted down the stairs as fast as he could. Oh he was so going to pay for this, and he knew it. He looked forward to it.