Disclaimer: Uh, after writing this I'm not sure that I want to know these people, let alone own them!
A/N: This was thought up during Mardi Gras 2006. We're still a little hazy on the details of coming up with it. For the supposed Volume I, check out our other fic, Of Bunjee Jumping and Ornery Subway Employees, which has nothing in common but Voldemort, Lucius and Snape, but still... Anyway, enjoy.
Voldemort Pursues a Life in the Convent
Volume Two of the Chronicles of Life, Death, and Everything Between
Chapter 1: Sunday Service
Ding, Ding, Dong Ding, AAOOOGah, Ding, Ding Dong Ding. Ribbit
As usual, Lord Voldemort was awoken by the bells in the church across the street from the secret headquarters which in all reality wasn't all that secret (although he would like to believe it was). It really was quite ironic that the Dark Lord lived so close to such a holy place. He trusted that that would be enough of a cover to hide because what rightful Dark Lord would live so close of a house of the Lord? However, Lord Voldemort, or LordMoldyshorts as Rodolphus had recently startedcalling him, resulting in more than a few crucios, had taken a liking to the church. Being woken up by the bells every morning had become the highlight of his day. He quickly threw on some of his usual menacing black robes and walked into the kitchen. He cursed as the robes tripped him, wondering why they wouldn't billow out like Snape's.
The man must control the wind or something, thought Voldemort as he poured himself a bowl of pumpkinflakes, splashed in some skim milk (Lucius had him watching his figure), and put a Toasted Pumpkin Puffskin in the toaster. He sat down at a small, round table in the corner and munched on the cerial, glancing at the box, and wondering why so many foods in the wizarding world were pumpkin flavored. Harry Potter was on the front of the box, wand raised. Someone had drawn on a mustace and unibrow, as well as crossed out what he was saying and changed it to "I poop my pants." Voldemort ate another spoonfull of the bright orange flakes and looked around for a marker. When he found one on the chair next to his, he grabbed the box and replaced Harry's lightning-bolt scar with one of a rather innapropriate male organ, giggling slightly through his full mouth. He continued to admire his work as he ate. Just after he finished his pumpkinflakes, the Dark Lord's Tosted Puffskin popped out of the toaster with a loud 'Ping!' which was followed by a ding dong woof oink from the church bells. Unfortunately, Voldemort had just picked up his cereal bowl tipped it back so that he could drink the remaining milk, and the sound caused him to jump and spill milk all over his brand new robes.
Damnit, those were my last set of Abercrombe and Witch robes! Now I have to get Lucius to get me a new pair, then get Draco to exchange them because he got the wrong size, then get Snape to exchange those because Draco always gets the wrong shade of black!
Fuming, Voldemort began to walk over to the toaster, but was stopped when he stepped on something scalding hot and gooey. After much cursing, he inspected the bottom of his burning foot to see it covered in Toasted Pumpkin Puffskin. He cursed yet again and cast a cleaning charm on his foot and made another Toasted Pumpkin Puffskin, standing by the toaster the whole time. A few seconds later, Lucius came down the stairs in his light pink Juicy Couture pajamas.
"Good morning," he yawned. Voldemort turned around to face him and the toaster popped up, splattering the back of his bald and extremely sensitive head with fiery hot Toasted Pumpkin Puffskin.
"Damn it! I've had it with you! Avada Kedavra!" A bright green light shot at the toaster, which exploded into a pile of ashes.
"There goes another one," signed Lucius as he examined the remains of the breakfast item on his boss' head. He ran a finger through it, and licked curiously, immediatly making a disgusted face and attempting to wipe off his tongue.
"I told you to stop eating those, they're full of fatty acids, cholesterol, and calories!" he scolded.
Snape walked in, grabbed his normal dark-chocolate covered chocolate biscotti from the stay-fresh jar that he kept them in, and poured himself a large mug of black coffee. He liked his coffee black...like his women (or so he'd like people to believe [he thought it made him edgy]. There was also the fact that he only ate things that were black, green, or white). Lucius got sick of lecturing Voldemort, who was trying to wash his head off in the sink, and busied himself with making a bowl of Unfortunate Charms to have with the Slim-Quick potion that he had convinced Snape to make for him.
"You know, it's funny," began Lucius, examining the vial full of what looked like dirty dishwater and whose contents were probably molecularly close if not the same as dirty dishwater, "the more of these I drink, the bigger I think my ass gets. Sev, is that normal?" Both Lucius and Voldemore glanced inquiringly at the other wizard, who had suddenly stopped stirring his biscotti in his coffee and looked a little nervous.
"Oh, er, yes, of course! Fluid retention, see, before you lose a lot of weight you store all these fluids-" stumbled Snape, looking around wildly.
"Of course! Well if that's the case," smiled Lucius, continuing to eat breakfast.
Across the street the church bells began to ring again. The air was flooded with Dings, Dongs, moos, meows, woofs, and eegahds. Voldemort watched as a rush of people went through the doors. Suddenly, he had an idea. You could almost see the lightbulb above his head.
"Come on, boys, we're going to church!"
"But I'm not even dressed! And my hair is a mess!" fretted Lucius. Snape and Voldemort stared at his perfectly straight hair.
"Lord, do you even know what church is about?" asked Snape, looking at his superior.
"Why Severus what a silly question. The Lord of course!" answered Voldemort, spreading his arms enthusiastically wide. "The way I figure it," he continued, "in order to be the most satanically evil we can possibly be we must first learn about all of the most divinely goodness. It's simple logic really"
"Try to tell that to the priest while he's attempting to exorcize you..." muttered Snape, wondering why he wasted his time working for this man..thing.
"What was that?" asked Voldemort, his all ready narrow eyes narrowing as he stroked his wand. (Yes...THAT wand)
"Nothing," grumbled Snape, draining his coffee and getting up to go get dressed.
"Look!" exclaimed Lucius, studying his Unfortunate Charms, "The tombstone melts away to show a bone!"
"Lucius, we go through this every morning! Just eat the bloody cereal!"
-TEN MINUTES LATER-
The three men entered the church, all dressed in somber black robes, with the exception of Lucius, who had insisted on wearing creme. Voldemort led them to a back pew, where they sat and waited for the service to start. A few minutes later, organ music started to play, everyone stood, and children in white robes followed by a plump, balding man in a creme and green robe walked behind them, carrying a large book above his head. They were all walking down the center isle, carrying an assortment of candles, crosses, and some weird container that was spewing smoke.
"We aren't in World War II," muttered Voldemort to Snape, his eyes watering from the smoke, "I didn't know they were going to gas us." Snape simply rolled his eyes.
"Wizards!" whispered Lucius excitedly. Snape groaned and thunked his head onto the pew in front of him.
"Is Snape sick?" Voldemort asked Lucius, who shrugged and continued to hum along to the organ music.
Finally the robed- group made it to the front of the church, where there was a large platform. They all bowed or kneeled to a golden box in the corner, then walked up to the steps to it. The man with the book stepped behind a podium, kissed the book, and set it down.
"Let us pray," he announced. Voldemort saw several people getting black books out of the shelves in front of them and followed suit. He looked over the shoulder of the man in front of him then turned to page eight, where the prayer was listed. They said something called a Hail Mary ("Who's Mary?" questioned Lucius, squinting at his book. "And why are we hailing her? I thought you said this was about the Lord!"), and then a Lord's Prayer. ("Ah that's more like it.")
Not very inventive titles, thought Voldemort, I could do much better. He continued to listen raptly to the rest of the service, growing more excited by the minute. This religion stuff was great! It made people docile, loving, trusting creatures. Perfect for what he needed to brainwash them and turn them into his minions of darkness.
Lucius got rather bored learning all about the "Gossipelle" and the "Old Testicle" (he thought that learning about the Lord was perfectly acceptable but that was a little bit too intimate for his taste). He began to fidget, swinging his feet, but got several glares from the Muggles in front of them, so he stopped and looked around, playing I Spy with himself. However, even that solution, which normally entertained him for hours, was useless. Lucius looked next to him. The pew was empty. He turned his head and looked across Voldemort and Snape. Sitting there was a woman with a four-year-old daughter. The girl was fast asleep, and laying beside her were a large coloring book, box of crayons, and bag of Goldfish.
Lucius' eyes lit up at the sight. He had never seen the the muggle snack before, but its small crackers looked an awful lot like CheddarOwls, his favorite. The coloring book also looked promising, as it claimed to be about princesses, and the box of crayons was rather large. He liked to think that he had an eye for color. He gripped his cane, Snakey, tightly and began to slowly and quietly turn his head until it came off. He pulled upward, slipping his wand out of the center of the cane, and flicked it. Snape, who appeared to have fallen asleep, did not seem to notice the objects slowly floating over him, and neither did Voldemort, who was completely enamoured with the service.
Lucius smiled as they floated into his lap, and contentedly began munching on the Goldfish, which were just as tasty but admittedly far less entertaining than CheddarOwls, as they neither hooted nor flapped their wings in attempt to escape, and coloring in a picture of a pretty princess, using every shade of pink in the box thus proving his eye for color.
When the service finally ended, Voldemort was ecstatic. "That was amazing!" he cried, running into a Muggle man, who jumped.
"Oh, sorry sisters, I didn't see you there," appologized the man, taking in their robes. His eyes set on Lucius' creme one. "Oh, and you have a novice with you!" he exclaimed. "Good luck on your training." He turned around and walked of with a friend, muttering once they were a good distance away, "I remember when nuns were prettier..."
"The one in the creme wasn't too bad, though her ass did look rather big," mused his friend.
Meanwhile, back near the doors, Snape uttered a noise like a wounded animal that someone was trying to pet. "He thought that we were WOMEN! And nuns, at that!"
"Why Severus, that's a great idea! We should join the convent!" said Voldemort, all but skipping as they exited the large oak doors into a cobblestoned courtyard where many people milled around between stone buildings, benches, and tall, old trees.
"What?" asked Snape in a deadly voice.
"Smashing!" cried Lucius, "I hear that their headdresses are coming in to style!"
"I don't know who told you that but they should be burned at the stake," snapped Snape, rounding on him.
"I resent that," snorted Luscious, "our people have been burned at the stake for thousands of years and for you to make a comment like that." Snape gaped at him for a moment and shook his head a little.
"But if you must know I read about it in Witch Weekly, of course!" replied Lucius, as if this was the stupidest question he had ever heard.
"But that's for... witches!" sputtered Snape. He knew Lucius was a little... Strange, but this was pushing it. "And where'd you get all that?" he added suspiciously, looking at the coloring book, crayons, and now almost-empty ziplock bag that Lucius was clutching.
"So? Getting in touch with your feminine side does wonders for you skin and wardrobe. But judging by your appearance you wouldn't know that..." replied Lucius, looking slightly hurt. "And the lady beside you had them for her daughter. There she is now." He pointed to a woman who was half-dragging her bawling four-year-old out of the large double doors.
"Give me that--" demanded Snape, grabbing the book, box and bag out of Lucius' hands and using his wand to refill the bag.
"Noooooo--" whined Lucius, grabbing the stuff back and pulling, "at least let me keep Cinderella!" Disgusted, Snape ripped the colored-on page out of the book and handed it to Lucius, who smiled contentedly once more and plopped down on the bench behind him. Snape stalked off to where the mother was climbing into her car, trying to buckle down the flailing child.
"Excuse me ma'am, I was sitting next to you in... erm, there, and I think I picked these up by mistake, when I was grabbing my er.... bible. Yes." The woman blinked up at him, snatched her daughters things back, set them in the little girl's lap (she immediatly stopped crying) then straightened up, looking at his robes.
"How dare you take these from us, you-you-you-transvestite faggot queer!" she yelled, nearly banging him around the head with her large handbag. "If you ever come around my child again--"
"Ow! I'm. Not. Ack! Queer--" retorted Snape while trying to avoid her blows, "I'm a nun!" Oh bugger, he immediately thought afterwards.
The woman instantly stopped, and widened her eyes. "Oh, sister, I'm so sorry, please forgive me-"
"Of course," replied Snape in a voice that clearly stated she was not forgiven and that she was a dumb fool for even considering that he was in fact a nun.
"You must have had a horrible accident, I hope I didn't reinjure any of your wounds!" she continued, looking deeply upset. He was agape for a few seconds then resounded on her and gave her a look that made her shut up immediatly, then swept off, robes billowing.
Meanwhile, Lord Voldemort was plotting. He even announced this. He usually did announce such things that he felt were important and more often than not it wasn't a very good idea.
"Attention, everyone. I am plotting."
"About what?" asked Snape as he rejoined the Dark Lord and Lucius, furious about what had just happened.
"YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN! YOU'RE DOING IT! HOW DO YOU DO THAT?" screeched Voldemort, pointing an incrimintaing finger at Snape, who stared at him, disturbed and wondering if he should start running away while he had the chance. Lucius finally looked up from his picture of a completely pink Cinderella to look back and forth between them. It was like a tennis match, and an entertaining one at that.
"What the hell are you talking about?" Lucius' head snapped to look at Snape when he said this. Snape was now wide-eyed and backing away, ready to make a break for it incase this turned nasty and in all probability it would. The Dark Lord had a short temper unlike the other Lord that the three Death Eaters had been so eager to learn about.
"The billowing! How do you make your robes billow like that? I just can't do it!" exclaimed Voldemort frustratedly, grabbing at his robes and demonstrating how they would not separate even an inch from his body in any direction.
Snape blushed, much to the surprise of the other two. "Well...er...you see...ah..." Snape's lack of the ability to spit out a coherent sentence told the other two men it was a touchy subject, but neither cared much.
"Spit it out, man!" insisted Voldemort, punching Snape in the arm helpfully. Lucius' full attention was now on Snape, and he had pulled out a quill and piece of parchment, as if to take notes.
"Well, see, I buy witches' robes." The other two continued to stare at Snape, who turned redder. "They have fuller skirts, see?" He did a quick, Lucius-esque turn, and the robes splayed out into a large circle. Lucius stood up, cooing and clapping approvingly, drawing of Cinderella abandoned on the ground.
"So when that woman called you a transvestite, she was right!" sniggered Lucius, ceasing his clapping and picking the paper back up, fiercly appologising to it.
"Says the man who reads Witch Weekley!" bellowed Snape. "Wait- you heard that?" He turned, if it was possible, redder. Voldemort and Lucius howled with laughter.
"Well," said Voldemort, still chuckling as he wiped his eyes on his sleeve and Snape fumed, "since you already dress like a woman, you'll have no problem pretending to be one for a while. Ladies, we're joining the convent! But in the mean time, we really have to work on the level of testosterone that the two of you posses. For heaven's sake, it's like you missed reading a few chapters of Guide to Being a Man and read Witch Weekly. Plus buying those feminine robes..." he trailed off.
"WE ARE NOT JOINING THE CONVENT!" yelled Snape, remembering his anger. He was again getting red inthe face, "and my robes are NOT feminine! You never even knew they were for women until I pointed it out! Plus you know your just jealous of them (he said this too low for Voldemort to hear). Anyway, my testosterone level is fine...." Lucius again looked up from his bench, where this time he was busy holding a wedding ceremony between Snakey the cane and Cinderella. He was also musing about where their honeymoon should take place and that it might not be so "eventful" on the account that canes and paper would probably have a hard time mating. But he would figure something out
"Yes we are! Haven't you realized it?! As long as you worship this...this GOD thing, he gives you whatever you want! And like I said. If you learn the ultimate good you will know the ultimate evil." retorted Voldemort angrily.
"Er... I don't think it works that way, Lord..." began Lucius gently.
"It doesn't matter how it works! We are not joining the convent!" raged Snape flinging his arms about wildly.
Two days, as well as several arguments, explosions, and Cruciatus Curses, later they joined the convent.