A/N: I've been terribly and undeniably inspired by the book I'm reading now called; 'Wasted.' It's beautifully written, a memoir about a woman who struggles with both Anorexia and Bulimia. This is something different for me, taken from Alex's point of view after she returns from the WPP. You know, when she did those six episodes? Yeah, those. Reviews are awesome! Oh, and be sure to read/review my other svu stories, 'Here we go again,' and 'Beautifully Undone.'
'It is a youthful failing to be unable to control one's impulses.'-Seneca.
Tap. Tap. One, two, three. Tap. Tap. My fingers beat against the chair in a timely rythm. I stare down at my plate in pure agony. I want nothing to do with this fat, greasy disgusting shit on my plate. I suck in a sharp breath and look back up at the table of people surrounding me. Since I've returned from WPP everything has felt so foreign and surreal.
I came back to find that someone new had taken over, someone by the name of Casey Novak. Compare me and her, and she wins by a landslide. The first thing I noticed when I saw her was her beauty. The second, was the way the entire precinct drooled over her. The third? All of my imperfections and what I needed to do to change.
I took note immediately, of the weight I gained when I got ready for dinner that night. It was our 'annual' dinner that everyone had set aside for me, since my return. I tried desperately not to let it bother me, the weight thing, I mean, but it did. Just like it bothered me that Casey wasn't going away. That she was better in more ways then one. So much better then I was.
Olivia voice brought me out of my presence again and I looked up at her with weary eyes.
"Y-Yeah?" I mumbled, clearing my throat. She eyed me for a moment, confused.
"You just seem a little..distant lately. Are you alright?" I suck in another breath, nodding slowly as I fight back the urge to tell her the truth. Before I can let any words slip, I stuff a forkful of pasta into my mouth and sink back into myself as I continue to listen to the mindless chatter around me.
When it all became more then I could handle I excused myself for a moment and slipped away from everyone. Opening the door to the woman's washroom, I let out a shaky, nervous breath and ran a hand through my long, blond tresses. I quickly began pacing back and forth as I thought about all the food I had consumed tonight. I could already see the pounds being added on. The people, judging me silently with their eyes.
Walking up to the mirror I stared at my reflection. My hands gripped the counter so hard my knuckles turned white. The thoughts swam mercilessly around in my head until they were to the point of suffocating me. I could feel my chest tightening as I struggled to get air into my lungs. Tears instantly formed in my eyes as my heart pounded heavily, echoing in my ears. I bit down hard on my lip, turning away from the sink as I pressed my back to it. I searched anxiously, greedily for an escape, anything to get this bone crushing pressure to lessen.
Without thinking, I stumbled into a nearby stall and fell to my knees. Yanking back my hair in a fit of frustration and anger, I used my other hand, my free hand, to shove two of my fingers down my throat. I gagged a bit at first until it all came back up. I watched as my dinner floated around in the toilet. I let out a relieved sigh as I let my head fall back against the wall with a thud. My eyes closed as I listened to the toilet flush.
It was then I realized the bone crushing pressure had lessened, gone away, and that I could breathe again. The rough beating of my heart slowed and I felt my head swimming happily. I heard someone call out my name a few minutes later and my eyes shot up.
"Alex?" Scrambling to my feet, I straightened out my clothes and hair, making sure I was somewhat 'appearance' worthy before I faced them all again. Olivia stood in front of me, arms crossed over her chest and her head tilted.
"We were beginning to wonder where you were." She continued, a smile edging at the corners of her lips.
"I uh..." I paused, ashamed at my stuttering. I was so high in the clouds, I couldn't even form a proper sentence. I watched as Olivia's gaze on me changed from confused to concerned and she instantly took a step closer towards me.
"You uh...you alright?" She asked quietly, voice barely audible. I swallowed hard, nodding as I pressed another fake smile onto my face. Pushing past her I headed back to the sink, washing my hands until they were red. When I glanced back up at the mirror, face flushed, I noticed Olivia was gone.
When did she leave? I didn't hear a door. I blinked a few times before letting out a long breath. I was beginning to think I'd imagined that whole thing. Wiping my hands on a paper towel, I quickly discarded it and headed back out.
This was the beginning of a new me.