This story is complete and utter garbage, but I needed to write something to help me feel better. D: See the note in my profile if you're curious. ... Anyways, this is just my take on how similar all of the episodes are/can be. It's not funny, I don't think.

WARNING: Contains bashings of every character in some form or another, mentions of slash, hetero, and threesome pairings, and complete stupidness. I only wrote this to entertain/up-lift my own self and spirits. If you don't like the stuff said in here, please don't flame me. I don't need that shit right now. And if you do flame me, I will most likely retaliate. Thanks. :3

DISCLAIMER: I do not own "House, M.D.", it's characters, or anything pertaining to it. I just own this story and it's plot.

Generic Episode

It was an obligatory sunny day at the neighborhood's weekend barbecue picnic. There was happy music, children running around laughing, and adults standing around talking happily. So of course, the viewer just knows some horrible shit's about to happen.

The camera's paying close attention to some child who's been sitting in a chair staring off into the distance. She's not acting like the others, so it's obvious she's the one who's sick. But just when the viewer thinks something bad is going to happen to her: PLOT TWIST! It was actually the person on the other side of the yard who had absolutely nothing to do with the girl. Go figure.

Anyways, the other person began screaming, earning themselves dirty looks from nearby people. Then she fell to the ground and started to writhe uncontrollably.

As somebody screamed for an ambulance to be called, an elder man sitting closest to her 'tsked' with a shake of the head, "Young people..."


"Alright, people, we have a thirty-two year-old woman with an acute case of everything. Go." a man stated as he hobbled into the office, backpack over his shoulder and cane in hand. (All over America, the viewers were whispering "Aw" in immediate pity of him and complete understanding of his asshole-ish behavior.)

His team sat around the table, looking at him. They didn't seem like the types of people that would/could become doctors, but they were all wearing white coats so it was obvious that they were.

The brunette and only woman of the group glanced at the file, feeling the need to state the patient's more important symptoms, more for the sake of the viewers than to tell her colleagues (who should be able to read on their own), "She has severe seizures, high fever, uncontrollable bladder, over-due library books, blonde hair, acne, Jethro Tull CDs, a copy of Ella Enchanted, and a messy apartment."

"Maybe it's Lupus?" the Australian doctor suggested. (Cue "House, M.D." fans writing many fanfics and drawing comics about how it's "Never Lupus!")

House plopped down in a chair, snorting, "You're an idiot. But, you're extremely good-looking so the fans are immune to your constant fuck-ups and the fact that you're about as dumb as a rock who got into medical school by pure accident."

The blonde merely blinked at him. Everything that was said just went over his head. And then he smiled dumbly, prompting many HouseChase fics.

"What about you, home dawg?" House turned to give Foreman a bored look. It figured he would have to come to the hospital and actually work. He became a doctor so he could chill-lax in his office all day... whatever that meant.

"I don't want to answer because I'm an uptight jerk who would rather let the patient die than agree with you on anything. So, I'm going to wait until you suggest something so I can fight with you until we finally runs dozens of painful and long tests and prove that we're both wrong." the African American doctor stated, glaring at the older doctor with his freaky eyes.

House nodded, "Good enough. The patient is suffering from a mosquito bite. Go test the patient and before the results come back give them 50,000 milligrams of gobble-de-goop and vanilla extract."

"But won't that harm the patient for medical reasons I won't explain because the writers didn't want to waste any more money on research?" Cameron asked, leaping to her feet.

"I have no regard for human life, so I don't give a fuck. Now go do what I say because you're inexplicably smitten with me. Or to anybody with a penis for that matter."

Cameron nodded, defeated, and headed out of the room, 'He's so sexy when he states the obvious.'

"You two go with her. We don't know if she's going to start molesting the interns. Again."

Foreman and Chase nodded and left.

House tossed his backpack onto a random chair and headed for Wilson's office. Not because they were secretly gay together. No. They're best friends, dammit. ... So what if they had sex off-screen? Everybody else did. You should've be there when they have a HouseWilsonCuddy sandwich going on. It was hot.

Anyways, House barged into the door, spouting off his usual cryptic nonsense. The oncologist had random patients in his office. House didn't seem to be able to understand that these people were in a cancer specialist's office crying. Just as the viewers start to get upset at him, there's a shot of him standing there with his cane, and his disregard for others is immediately forgiven.

Wilson stood and headed out of his office to talk with House.

"House! *generic scolding*!" Wilson scowled.

"Oh, whatever. I just wanted to tell you that there's hot lesbian porn on tonight. There's a lot of that on, lately... Wanna come over to my place and watch, get drunk, and possibly fondle each other a little?"

Wilson blinked, then smiled, "Of course! That's my favorite thing to do!"

"Even more fun than angst-ing about a dead girlfriend that was eerily like me?"

"Way more fun!"


"The patient's dead, House."

"She died from a mosquito bite and she didn't have malaria?" Foreman blinked.

"How are her vitals?"

"... There aren't any. She's dead." Cameron repeated.

"Right. Well, just give her .0001 milligrams of extra virgin olive oil and she should be up and running around again in no time."

As the team headed out again, Foreman muttered, "All that from a mosquito bite??"


Five minutes later, the patient was miraculously cured and was being discharged. House randomly showed up in her room as she was preparing to leave.

"So, now that I've saved your life you're just going to pay me and get the hell out, right?"

"I don't know. The writers may feel a need for me to sue you or come back with a bigger illness."

House shrugged, "Bring it on."


The final scene was House sitting on his couch at home, drinking a Bourbon while angsting about his past. Just for the sake of giving him some human contact outside of the hospital, Wilson went over and they watched the porn as promised. And then other stuff ensued.

... Cuddywatched it from the monitor she had set up to view the footage from the camera she'd set up in House's living room. The two men never disappointed her.


The end. I tried to fix it up as best I could, but I'm tired.

It was fun-ish to write. Definitely not my best. Sorry. ._.