When All Else Fails, Hit the Fangirl – Chapter Thirteen: Insane

"Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again."

-=-=-=Akuma's POV=-=-=-

I dragged Neko off to see Cho before she had a breakdown. Seriously, what's so bad about bugs?

Unfortunately I had no clue where to find Cho, so I just went to the training grounds we designated as our meeting place and waited there.

"DIIIIIEEEEE!" I heard Neko yell.

I turned to see her impaling the ground with her axe over and over.


Wow… that speed… And this is the girl that could barely lift her axe a few minutes ago? I guess if we ever get in a deadly situation, I need to ask Shino to scare Neko with his bugs again. None of our enemies would stand a chance.


"Neko." No response. "Neko!" She grunted, seeming to still be ignoring me. "NEKO!"

Finally the idiot stopped chopping up the poor ground long enough to turn around and look at me.

"Do you really have to tear apart this poor training ground?" I asked, arms crossed.

She waved her axe at me, as if trying to get me to understand something. "The bugs! THE BUGS!"

I stared blankly. "…Okay. But did you notice the army of ants behind you?"

"WHA?" She turned around quickly, but before bothering to notice that there actually was no army of ants, she spun around and started running away, screaming.

"Stupid…" I decided to work on my Taijutsu forms while I waited for Cho.

-=-=-=Cho's POV=-=-=-


I sighed as Neko ran up to me, screaming about something. "Neko. Neko. NEKO. Listen to me," I said, putting my hands on her shoulders to hold her still and hopefully calm her. "The bugs are not after you."

That gave her a moment's pause, so I let her go.

Neko looked at my hand in which I still held my perfect item. "Cho… why do you have a fork?"

"Here," I said, handing it to her.

She pushed it back. "No, you can keep it. But… why do you have a fork?"

I thought for a moment before telling her, "By the way, Neji is at training ground three."

"Neji? NEJI! Here I come! Thanks, Cho!" Neko exclaimed as she ran off, completely distracted, battle axe still in her hands.

…I would never understand that girl.

I figured I should probably go see Akuma, but I wanted to make a quick stop elsewhere first. The Forest of Death did absolutely nothing for the health of my clothes.

-=-=-=Akuma's POV=-=-=-

About fifteen minutes after I scared Neko away, I got a very, very bad feeling. I took off west, toward the bad feeling and against my better judgment.

Sure enough, about a half mile from our own meeting place was training ground three. Guess who trains there?

Team Gai.

And guess who found them?


Tenten was doing some target practice, as one would expect from the weapons-using kunoichi. Gai was absent and I knew Lee was in the hospital. Poor, poor Neji was continuously using Juuken (gentle fist) and Kaiten (heavenly spin) trying to keep Neko away.

Hah. Good friggin' luck.

I walked closer. "I warned you, Hyuuga. You can't say I didn't warn you. Now that she knows you train here you will never be safe again. Ever," I courteously informed him, in an ominous voice.

Neji leapt backwards, avoiding an attempted glomp from Neko. "Get her away from me!" he pleaded, in a dignified Hyuuga way, of course. I shook my head at Neji, and Tenten ignored him completely. Good girl.

"Akuma, hold him down!" Neko pleaded.

I grinned. "You can take him, Neko! Good luck, Byakugan Boy!" I sat down cross-legged on the branch of a tree and watched the show. Maybe Neko would die. That would be great.

Now if only I had some chips.

-=-=-=Neko's POV=-=-=-

My beloved Neji-chan refused to stay still, no matter how much I pleaded! It drove me crazy. He would hold still even if I had to pin him to the ground with shuriken!

Crap. I knew I was forgetting something when I went weapon-shopping…

Oh, well!

I was in the middle of attempting another glomp when I heard voices behind me.

"Hey, Cho," Akuma said. "Come to watch the show?"

"Yeah," I heard her reply.

"Great!" Akuma said. "It's just now getting good." I resented that. "Hey," she said, "why do you have a fork?"

I started listening closely at that.

"Not important."

…That's it?

"That's all you're gonna say?" Akuma voiced my thoughts.

"Yes," Cho said simply. "Just train yourselves and stay out of trouble. I should go find the Sand Siblings. Bye."

"Bye," Akuma replied.

I looked over my shoulder at Akuma. "Don't they use chopsticks here?" I asked.

She shrugged. "Foreign imports store?"

Hm… Sounded good to me.

Suddenly, everything was black.

-=-=-=Akuma's POV=-=-=-

I looked at what had been such a promising battle, but because of her distraction Neko had been knocked out.

What a shame.

I hopped down from my tree and walked over to her unmoving body.

After poking her experimentally with my foot a couple times, I outright kicked her. Still showing no signs of life, I sighed.

Great. Now I've gotta get the idiot from Point A to Point B. By myself. While she's unconscious. Well, at least she'll be quiet…

I stared at her a moment, trying to figure out how best to accomplish the task.

Shrugging, I grabbed her foot and started dragging her.

Damn, she was heavy. But no way in Hell was I going to carry her bridal-style. Or any other way, for that matter.

I made it about halfway back to the training grounds, but when I was partway across the street that appeared to be part of the shopping district, my arm just couldn't stand it anymore. I swear. Seriously. I couldn't keep dragging her. My arm just gave out. I mean, really. It wasn't deliberate, or anything. I wanted nothing more than to heroically drag her back to the training grounds out of the goodness of my heart, but it was just physically impossible.

So I dropped her leg, put my hands in my pockets, and walked the rest of the way on my own.

Someone would pick her up sooner or later. Definitely. Probably. Maybe. Maybe not. Didn't matter.

Not my problem.

I started training skills that I thought might be helpful in a fight against a puppetmaster. Not because I was going to fight Kankuro - he'd be easy. But more because Neko fangirled Sasori, and therefore if Akatsuki-related problems were to occur, there was a good chance Sasori would be involved.

Because that's exactly the kind of thing Neko would cause.

-=-=-=Neko's POV=-=-=-

When I woke up, I was in a dimly-lit grey room with a table in the center, and me tied to a chair sitting at it.

Sweet! One of those interrogation room thingies from the movies! I couldn't wait for my interrogator person to show up! This would be so much fun!

…Assuming they didn't torture me… that… would… kinda suck.

But as long as they didn't torture me!

The door opened and an old guy with a cane and one eye wrapped up walked in.

He looked familiar.

"You are Neko," he stated.

"Yeah. I already know that, thanks," I said. Seriously, I know who I am.

"Don't get smart with me, brat."

"Sorry," I said. "…I should know you. Wait, wait… Um… you're, uh… Taka…? No… John… Uh… Koh… No… Scarface? No, wait."

He looked a bit annoyed. "My name is-"

"Nonono! Wait! Just give me a sec! Are you… One-Eye? No… What's that in Japanese…? Uh… Ichi…me? Ichime? No. Zoro? Dan…zo? Danzo? Nah… You look more like a Ponzo. Pachi! Pachi sounds right!"

"My name is Danzo," he stated, not looking at all amused.

I stared blankly at him. "…No, I'm pretty sure you're Pachi."

"My name is-"

"Pachi, and that's final!" Seriously, that had to be his name.

He growled. I just stared at him. Seriously, he looked like a Pachi. Or maybe Pichi. Piki. Pika. Pika-pikachu! Whoops, back on topic.

"What do you know of the future?" he asked in his serious no-nonsense type of way.

"Eh, not much." I shrugged. "Cho's the one who knows everything," I said truthfully.

"But you know some," he prompted.

"Only the major thingies," I said.

"Such as?" he asked, paying attention closely.

"There's quite a bit. Where should I start?" I asked seriously.

"Who are the next Hokage?" Pachi, no, Danzo… asked me.

"Eh, Tsunade and then you, I think. I swear I remember something about that, but everything's kinda unsure for me that far in the future."

"I become Hokage?" he seemed very interested in that.

"Yeah," I said, nodding. "And I think you go to some sort of Kage-meeting or something…"

"The Meeting of Five Kage?" he asked.

"Yeah, sure?" Not like I'd know.

"What happens to the Third?" Danzo asked.

"The third what?" I asked. Seriously, he needed to not be so confusing.

"The Third Hokage," he growled.

"Oh! Uh. He dies?"


"Dunno. Around the time Sasuke declares his gayness, I think. I don't know… might be closer to when Naruto is made ramen spokesperson…" I rambled. Maybe he'd buy it.

"Is it soon?" Danzo asked, impatient.

"Yeah, sure. I only know to when Naruto's like 15 or 16 anyways," I said.

"What else happens? Major events? Why do the Kage meet?"

"For tea and crumpets! It's because an evil idiot's trying to take over the world," I said with a dramatic sigh. "Or something. The moon's involved. I don't know, I think he's kinda insane. But he's powerful and he has plant-guy, so he kinda might win. Especially when he works with Kabutomaru," I said.

"Who is Kabutomaru?" Danzo asked.

"The name was actually Cho's idea!" I said with a bright smile. "She got it from somewhere else, though, she says, but I dunno where. But it's when Kabuto goes insane and, uh, attaches dead-Orochimaru's cells to himself or something… after Orochimaru's death. It's weird. He's insane. Probably because he and Orochimaru were disappointed that Sasuke was only gay for Naruto… I think they wanted him to be their double-uke, but he has a seme complex."

Pachi, Danzo, whatever, seemed to have decided to ignore that last part.

"What else do you know?" he asked.

I thought for a moment about that. "A lot of the Akatsuki members are hot," I said decidedly.

He glared at me.

"No, seriously!" I argued. "Itachi, Sasori, Deidara, Hidan… Even that one body of Pein's isn't too bad looking, but I think it's actually dead which is kinda creepy…"

"That's enough. What happens when I'm Hokage?" Danzo asked.

"Uh… how about you ask Cho?" I suggested, because I seriously don't know anything about that.

"What else do you know?" he demanded.

"…Kakashi and Neji are hot. Sasuke is dumb. Uh… Ino's useless, Sakura gains a load of kick-ass… uh…"

"Fine. If that's all you know I will-"

"Oh God don't kill me I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIIEE!" I started struggling against the ropes that held me to the chair.

"I'm not going to kill you!" he almost yelled.

I stopped moving. "…Oh. Are you going to torture me?"

"No. I'm more civilized than that," he said with a completely straight face.

I snorted. "Whoops, you didn't hear that. I meant to, uh, sigh in relief. Yeah, that's it. Sigh in relief."

Danzo just glared at me again. Then he opened the door and spoke to someone. "Escort her out," he said, and then walked out.

A young boy with pale skin and dark hair walked in. Crap. In. A. Bag. It was Sai!

Sai walked over to where I was sitting, still tied up, unfortunately.

"Hey, you gonna untie me? Or is this gonna get kinky?" I asked, grinning and wiggling my eyebrows suggestively.

He ignored me completely and untied the ropes. "Follow me," he said.

I stood up and slung my left arm around his shoulders. Despite being a couple years older, I was only about the same height as him. Depressing. "So, sexy, where we off to?"

"Please remove your arm from my shoulders," he stated, expressionlessly. Hah, as if I hadn't had experience with Cho acting like that.

I leaned on him more, putting my cheek closer to his. "What, you never been this personal with a woman before?" I asked suggestively in a low voice.

"No," he said in a matter of fact way.

I straightened up, but still had my arm around his shoulders. "Ah, so you go for men, then? I'm a bit of a fan of yaoi myself," I said, grinning. "I must say, you and Sasuke would make quite the sexy couple. Though you'd be pretty good with Naruto, too. Or even better, you with Sasuke AND Naruto!" I started chuckling while my grin widened at the thought.

As I started rambling about yaoi, Sai seemed to ignore me… but I knew those ideas would be planted in his head forever.

I never once stopped grinning.

Finally, another chapter! Neko came over and we bugged each other to write our fanfics. She helped me with a couple spots that I got stuck. Her reaction to some parts motivated me to keep writing.

I went through a couple the past chapters and fixed a few things. I'm going to edit more of them over the next few days. The main story's still the same, though, don't worry. XD

Reviews are much appreciated! ...They help guilt-trip me into writing.

Anyways, thanks, Neko! And thank you everyone else who reads this!