Disclaimer: Buffy is not mine. Twilight is not mine and nor do I want it to be. This is pure, epic crackfiction, and is set in the Buffyverse, somewhere between "Lie to Me" and "Surprise" in season 2. Reviews taste like candy and I like candy.

***

In the little town of Forks, Washington, a group of marble-skinned vegetarian so-called vampires who banded together under the last name of their patriarch, Carlisle Cullen, had recently been accosted by some of the less-friendly of their species. This savage trio was after the broodingly handsome young vamp Edward's human girlfriend, Bella Swan, who had recently moved to Forks from the much more exciting town of Phoenix, Arizona. Bella was plain and thin, with brown hair, and was known to be gawkily clumsy, but even so she and Edward were completely, irrevocably in love.

The group – among them Carlisle, a stunningly handsome doctor, Esme, his beautifully motherly wife, coldly beautiful Rosalie and her largely muscle-bound paramour Emmett, quietly shocked-looking and handsomely scarred Jasper and his beautifully pixielike love Alice, not to mention Edward and Bella – had been found by the obviously evil James and his two companions, the beautifully feral Victoria and the darkly handsome Laurent, while playing baseball during a thunderstorm. After all, Forks was a small town and there was very little else to do, and baseball is the American pastime.

Following the attack, the group retreated to the Cullen family mansion, a gleamingly glass-walled paradise right in the middle of the densely populated Washington forest. They were constructing a plan.

"Where would James never think to find you?" Carlisle asked Bella seriously. "You need to get out of here for your own safety."

"I could go to my mom's house in Arizona," Bella suggested lamely.

"Oh, yeah, he'll never find you there," Rosalie muttered sarcastically. Bella still felt as if the beautiful blonde disliked her, though she could not imagine why since everyone in the small town of Forks seemed to love her immediately upon introduction.

"But it's so warm and bright," Bella protested weakly. "He'd never go there."

Alice's topaz eyes went dark and immediately Jasper was at her side, clutching at her small, pale hand. She was having a vision, as she often did, having had premonitions even before she became a vampire.

"What is it, Alice?" Esme asked concernedly.

"I think I see where Bella will go," Alice murmured, in a trance. "It is bright –"

"Told you," Bella said tauntingly, then flushed, embarrassed to have shown any sort of personality around the marble-skinned vampire family.

"I love your beautifully pink human blush," Edward told her softly, smiling his crooked smile.

"But it's not Arizona," Alice continued impatiently. "It looks more like California to me."

"California?" the others chorused confusedly.

Rosalie, Esme and Emmett stayed in Forks to throw the excellently skilled tracker James off of Bella's sweet human scent while Alice and Jasper drove the smaller of the Cullen family's glimmeringly silver SUVs down the coastline. They sped in their vampiric, thrill-seeking way, as Bella dozed fitfully in the backseat. Edward and Carlisle followed in Edward's shiny silver Volvo, at a respectful distance.

It took approximately six hours for the speeding vampires to arrive in Southern California, and Alice excitedly slammed her petite hands against the dashboard to herald their arrival. "This is the place I saw," she cried gleefully. "This is the hotel I envisioned."

"Mmmmmppffff," Bella said sleepily.

Jasper nodded stoically, then pulled the SUV over in the parking lot. The sun had not yet risen, so while Alice went inside the small motel, joined by Edward and Carlisle, who began hauling the shopping-addicted Alice's many suitcases into the lobby, Jasper went to get Bella out of the car. He did not need to use his vampiric empathetic abilities to calm her down, as she was still half asleep and had also taken NyQuil, the effects of which had not yet worn off. He shrugged, considered picking her up, then decided against it. She smelled too good. Instead, he poked her until she woke up.

Alice skipped back outside in her pixielike way, holding room keys. "Let's head upstairs," she chirped. "Edward and Carlisle are already getting settled in."

A group of burly, leather-clad men skulked around the corner, observing the young teens in the parking lot. "Out-of-towners," the largest of the men chuckled to the others.

"Want a snack before bedtime?" the smallest and wittiest one asked, baring his fangs and revealing his true face, his vamp face, which was infinitely more terrifying than anything that any of the Cullen clan had encountered in their many years of alleged vampirism. The other men followed suit, surrounding the three youths instantaneously.

Bella screamed weakly, hiding behind Alice and Jasper wussily.

"Run, Bella!" Alice shrieked, handing her the room key. Bella ran towards the door, tripped over the welcome mat, twisted her ankle and hurried inside. Alice and Jasper stared down the vamps with unblinking topaz eyes, holding hands to show their true love.

"New here, aren'tcha?" the leader of the group asked.

"What do you want?" Jasper asked taciturnly.

"Just lookin' for a snack," the witty vamp smirked.

Alice looked as Jasper panickedly. "I didn't see this coming," she exclaimed, then felt Jasper calm her like a drug. She eyed the vamps suspiciously. "You know, you're out of luck. I don't think we've got what you want to snack on."

They fought unspectacularly in the parking lot until the sun came up, at which point Alice and Jasper began to sparkle and the rough-and-tumble vamps' skin began to catch fire. They hurriedly ducked into the nearest sewer. Alice and Jasper shrugged and went inside.

At a distance, this altercation was witnessed by a very perplexed blonde with a stake at the ready. "What the --," she muttered, observing the glittery skin of these newcomers. She then yawned and began her walk home, storing the stake in her back pocket.

***

Meanwhile, the aforementioned pack of vamps entered their lair and found their master and mistress in a wild uproar. "Oooo, there's somethin' on its way," said mistress, the fearsome, crazy, but currently invalid Drusilla, announced. "Bringing a shine like the stars but it doesn't shine at night, oh no."

"Dru, pet, should we be worried?" her childe and lover Spike, alias William the Bloody, asked in a somewhat petulant tone, unsure whether or not to take his oft-crazed princess seriously.

"Mmm, they come like a caravan, dripping silver like it's rainwater and they've been caught in a nasty, nasty storm," Drusilla continued, wrapping her arms around Spike's waist and playfully nipping at his shoulder.

"Who are they, princess?" Spike muttered, angling his head to look at her.

"Such fragile things on the outside, oooo yes, but that's all just a blinding mask, and some of us have been deceived by their nasty lies," Dru proclaimed, waving a hand in the general direction of the thuggish vamps without really looking at them. "Naughty children playing so rough with the new boys and girls, mmm?"

"They seemed pretty strong," the toughest of them shrugged.

"One of them made a run for it, though," the witty one pointed out. "A girl. Looked seventeen or so."

"And the others?" Spike asked with a raised eyebrow.

"About the same age," the third vamp said.

"Bloody hell," Spike growled, causing Drusilla to smile and moan softly. "Not bad enough you get beaten to a pulp by the Slayer regularly, now you're getting punched out by bloody stranger kids?"

"They're weak, Spike," Drusilla piped up, teetering towards the three thugs with an evil little smirk. "They need punishing, oh yes, p'raps a good thrashing –"

"Hold on, pet," Spike sighed, taking a hold of her deceptively thin arm. "We haven't got any other expendables, you see – until we acquire a few more, we'll have to put up with these ones."

"Oooo," Drusilla wailed. She was very unhappy, very displeased.

"Cheer up, luv, I'll bring you a new toy tonight," Spike promised, kissing his wicked plum as her eyes danced with excitement.

***

The aforementioned blonde, Buffy Summers, now fueled by some extra-strong coffee, flung the doors of the Sunnydale High School library open and strode through, followed by Willow Rosenberg, a cute, if nerdy, redhead and her best friend. "Giles," they both called out, their eyes scanning the room for the British librarian whose name that happened to be.

Soon enough said librarian, tweed-clad as ever, appeared from behind the circulation desk. "Buffy, Willow," he nodded. "Hello." Both girls waved, and Buffy withdrew a lollipop from her tiny black backpack, absently sucking on it as Giles asked, "How did patrol go last night?"

"Weird," Buffy, who was in fact the Vampire Slayer, in case you hadn't yet presumed that, declared. "I was tracking a couple of Spike's guys to the edge of town and I saw them get in a fight."

"With who?" Giles inquired. "Demons? Other vampires?"

"I'm not sure," Buffy muttered, frowning and taking a thoughtful lick of her lollipop. "They didn't have vamp faces on, but I don't think they were human."

"Why not?"

"Well, they kind of… glittered."

Giles blinked, removed his glasses, and rubbed his brow in confusion. "They glittered."

Buffy nodded. "Once the sun came up it was like – skin, thy name is disco ball."

"Is there such a thing as a glitter demon?" Willow asked curiously, leaning on the counter. "Or maybe they were trying some magicky stuff and it backfired!"

"I don't know," Giles muttered. "I'll start searching through some of my texts. In the meantime, you two should be in class. Perhaps we'll continue the research this afternoon."