Food poisoning

Summary: Kakuzu gets food poisoning, and apparently that makes him incapable of doing anything… at all. Slightly OOC.

Pairing/s: None.

Warnings: Um, puking and Hidan swearing.

Disclaimers: I don't own these guys.

My first one-shot with Kakuzu and Hidan, yay! Hope you like it!


It was one of the better hotels they had been in during their time as partners, but Hidan felt it could be nicer. He knew better than to complain, though and stared up at the roof from his position on one of the beds.

The restaurant they had eaten dinner at, however, had been horrible. The place looked to have been there around the time Kakuzu was born, far too long for Hidan's taste. The cook had looked to be in that age as well (which freaked the priest out), and the food was fairly nauseous (maybe a new cook was in order?). Hidan, tired of having to eat whatever berries and stuff he found in a forest, had taken a huge breath and eaten it all in almost one swoop. At times like these he was happy that he was immune against food poisoning and the like.

He looked at the clock and wondered when the hell Kakuzu was going to return. The man had eaten his own food stoically, as usual, and then told Hidan to go back to the hotel while he finished some business… again. That man had far too many business-things going on, seriously!

Hidan gave out a frustrated yell and flopped over to his stomach. Waiting was boring. He could go to sleep, if he was tired. But he was not, so he had opted to wait for the banker to come back. Now though, he had waited for almost two hours. Where the hell was the man?!

As if answering his question, the door opened.

"How the fuck does 'some business' in this little shithole take two fucking hours, Kakuzu?!"

"… Shut up, Hidan."

"Oh no, I'm not fucking shutting up!" the priest shouted and stalked over to the miser. He stopped once he reached the man though, and so did his string of curses. He looked closely at Kakuzu and said, "Hey, you alright, man?"

Kakuzu was pale and he dropped the case he had been carrying before staggering to the bathroom. Hidan stared after him but winced as he heard the slightly disgusting sound of someone emptying his stomach. He walked after the man and opened the door. Only to stare.

They had been partners for nine months now, and not once had Hidan seen Kakuzu without his mask. Now though, both the mask and the hood-thing were gone.

He walked forward, his eyes transfixed on the smooth black hair and when it started falling into Kakuzu's face Hidan reached forward and brushed it back, holding it with one of his hands. He kneeled down next to the banker and said:

"Why the fuck does you always insist on those stupid old ass-restaurants? They can't be any good if they make you fucking puke."

"Shut up… Hidan," Kakuzu managed to wheeze out before his stomach contracted again, forcing him to retch. Hidan turned his head away; he could so not handle puking.

Once Kakuzu seemed to have stopped convulsing and trying apparently to puke everything in his body up, Hidan pulled the man away. He flopped backwards, and Hidan yelped as he did not suspect Kakuzu would just fall back. Now he got a look at the man's face.

He traced the stitches on the man's cheeks with his eyes only. Well, he had seen the man's arms stitched up, but it was a bit weird it was done on his face like that as well. No matter, he had to get the man up and into bed.

"Oi, Kakuzu, can you stand?"


"Oi, Kakuzu!"

The man's eyes rolled back.


He had never heard of a guy passing out due to food poisoning. Kakuzu just had to have a fucking sensitive stomach! How the hell had he survived all those other fucked up restaurants?! Hidan growled under his breath as he dragged Kakuzu to the bed. The man was fucking heavy! Hidan was not bad built himself, but Kakuzu was both taller and stronger than the Jashinist.

As he managed to get the banker on the bed, Kakuzu groaned and eyes opened to a slit.

"Hey man, how the hell did you survive all those other restaurants but not this one?" Hidan asked, curious.

"How the fuck should I know?" Kakuzu replied, coughing. The taste in his mouth was probably anything but pretty.

"Want some water?"

"… Yes."

Wow, not even a glare. Kakuzu just looked at him before shaking the hair out of his face. Hidan got up and went to get a glass of water. For safety, he got a bowl from the bathroom in case more of that stinking mass would jump out from Kakuzu's gut anytime soon. The man still looked a bit green…

"Don't you fuckin' dare puke on me, bastard," Hidan said as he came closer. Kakuzu glared this time and said,

"Shut up."

"You know, you continue saying that no matter what I do. Haven't you got the message it doesn't work on me?"

"Well, from time to time a miracle happens," the miser said as he sat up and took the glass of water from Hidan.

"Haven't happened so far," the priest said, raising an eyebrow.

"A fool's hope I suppose," the banker said with a glare before sipping the water.

Hidan rather liked this. They did not shout at each other, and Kakuzu was not trying to rip his head off. They just… talked. A little banter, skipping around the line, Hidan wondered where it would go too far.

"Well, guess you hafta keep hoping in vain. You can't shut me up!"



"How would you like to have your mouth sewn shut?"

"… Fuck you, that ain't fair."

"But it works," Kakuzu reminded before relaxing into the bed.

A few minutes passed.


"Hmm?" The man sounded sleepy. Good; a sleepy Kakuzu was always more open than awake and money-counting Kakuzu.

"Seriously, why do you pick those Jashin-damn restaurants? You fuckin' puked up what you paid for!"


Hidan looked at Kakuzu who now seemed more awake.

"A long time ago, it was good food there," the banker said suddenly. "I guess I was the senile old man I am and got sentimental."

"What, you've eaten there before?"

"The cook…"

"What about him? He looked real old, and he made shit-food."

"I guess he didn't recognize me, but I've been eating there from time to time for the last 40 years."

Hidan stared; that was well before he was born.

"Sooo… you just ate there because you felt sentimental?"

"Shut up already," Kakuzu groaned. "I already know I'm an old geezer; no need to remind me of it."

Huh; Kakuzu acted more open when he had that fucking mask off. Or maybe it was because he felt like shit due to the bad food.

"Ain't saying anything about your age or anything," Hidan said. "Guess I will be sentimental sometime in the future as well."

Kakuzu's mouth twitched into a small smile at the image of Hidan acting sentimental and draped an arm over his eyes. Hidan saw the stitching on the man's cheeks pull a bit as he smiled but felt his blood run cold as Kakuzu clamped a hand over his mouth.

Within minutes, it seemed like Kakuzu had puked out his own stomach but the man had finally calmed down. He lay exhausted on the bed as Hidan got rid of the contents of the bowl, flushing the toilet without looking down into the mess.

"Does those stitches in your face hurt?" Hidan asked as he sat down again next to Kakuzu's bed, wanting to distract the man from the hollow pain in his stomach.

"… Sometimes."

"Like when?"

"When I'm smiling. When it's bad weather, they kinda ache. Oh, and when I'm laughing it's like someone's ripping my cheeks up."

"So… that's why you're never laughing."

"Most of the time, yes. Sometimes I just ignore the pain, because the humour in the situation is stronger than the pain."

"… Che, you're fucking weird."

"Admit you do that as well."

"Fuck you, how did you know that?"

"I guess I know you, that's all."

"… Fuck you."

"Yeah, yeah, Hidan, whatever."

Kakuzu closed his eyes and his body slowly relaxed. Hidan watched as the banker slipped into sleep before placing the bowl next to his bed and walking over to his own. Maybe Kakuzu would not be such an ass in the future…


The next morning

Hidan woke up on his own and blinked in surprise. Normally Kakuzu would have kicked him from the bed and yelled at him. He twisted around and felt the shock growing bigger than it already was.

Kakuzu sat on the bed, back against the wall and reading a book. The miser looked up once he felt magenta eyes on him and said:

"Good morning."

"What time is it?"

"A little after nine I think."

"… Ya know, gettin' food poisoned made you fuckin' weird."

"What do you mean?"

"You aren't yellin' at me and shit like that."

"Would you prefer it?" Kakuzu asked, looking over at him before marking the page in his book before putting it away.

"… Nah. I like you better this way."

"Is that so? No matter, we should be going back to the hideout."

"Do we have time for breakfast?"

"We'll stop by in the next village if you're really hungry," the man said vaguely as he got up.

"Do you say that 'cuz the only restaurant here is that shit place?"

"… Next time I come here, it better be someone else handling the cooking."

"I hear ya, man, I hear ya."


Weird ending but it'll do. My first story with Kakuzu and Hidan, but I have more planned. Let's see when the next one comes out.

Until another time,