Thanks to my master-beta RoseArcadia for her help with this story.
"Yes, so I need you to send two dozen roses to Dinorah Camille as usual," I told my assistant first thing in the morning. "The florist should already have her address."
"So I take it you had a productive weekend then, Mr. Cullen," Bella replied, arching one eyebrow at me.
I sent her my most rakish, panty drenching smile at her and simply said, "Miss Swan, you know I never kiss and tell." Bella appeared unaffected by my smile and unimpressed by my words. She typed a note in her computer, I'm assuming in regards to the flowers, in her efficient manner and then gave me a bland smile, clearly dismissing me. I picked up the coffee she had ready for me every morning and walked into my large office.
It was damn disheartening. I had been lusting after my assistant for the last two years and been possibly in love with her for the last nine months, or at least since Christmas when I'd seen her standing under the mistletoe and almost, almost, kissed her on the lips. But then common sense had reared its ugly head, and I'd swerved at the last minute and just laid my lips softly against her cheek.
But my heart hadn't been able to change directions as easily and it fell, hook, line, and sinker, for her big expressive brown eyes, heart shaped face, and wicked laugh. Not to mention her soft heart, third grade humor, or her slammin' ass.
I sighed softly to myself, disgusted that I was still following Emmett's advice, even though Bella was obviously unaffected at having to send flowers yet again to one of my ladies. I rotated weekly between eight lucky ladies, my harem, as Bella called them. Every weekend I went down the list and selected another one to have a fictional date with. Then on Monday I'd get my beautiful assistant to send that fortunate lady expensive flowers. Always roses. Always red.
Bella, I knew, preferred wild flowers.
The scheme to get Bella jealous was even more convoluted than just sending a lady flowers.
Emmett would then tell his best friend Rosalie all about my decadent weekend; the tales we hoped she in turn shared with her roommate Bella. Unfortunately, I didn't always get a say in what tales Emmett told. I'd only recently found out that I was a member of the mile high club, loved blow jobs in seedy bar bathrooms, and had beat up a couple of competing suitors.
Yeah, this whole thing was genius Emmett's idea. I had to get him to lay off the romance novels.
I sighed again as I looked at my neatly organized desk. Bella had been here and I could make out the faint scent of freesias and strawberries. Damn, I was going to have to work with morning wood again.
I plowed through this morning's galleys, gave my stamp of approval to a couple of cover mock ups, and returned phone calls. I was vice president of the nonfiction division of a notable publishing house, which had been owned and run for several generations by my mother's family. My older brother Emmett was VP of the fiction division, which included fantasy and romance novels. I am sure reading those manuscripts is how he came up with half of his lame ass ideas.
Of course, I was the douche who went along with so many of his lame ass ideas.
Which is how I'd become a man whore, despite not having gone on a date for the last year and a half. Fucking Emmett.
Our little sister Alice was VP of marketing and promotion. She and our mother Esme - Madam President - handled the business side of the company, allowing Emmett and I the creative freedom to find and develop new writing talent.
Our dad Carlisle was the only Cullen not part of Cullen Publishing, Inc. Instead, he kept sane by hiding out at Seattle Grey Hospital as its Chief of Staff. Wuss.
I looked up at the clock on the wall and swore. I was going to be late for lunch with Jasper and Emmett.
I grabbed my jacket and wallet, stuffing them into my back pocket.
"I'm off to lunch with Emmett and Jasper at the Le Madeline around the corner," I told Bella as I dashed by her desk.
"Give my regards to the lovebirds," she said with a cheeky smile.
Yeah, she was talking about Jasper and Emmett. Yeah, she did think they were a couple. As in the spooning and picking-out-china-sets kind of couple.
I was around the corner and almost to the elevator when I realized that I'd forgotten my damn cell phone. I swore and headed back to my office to get it.
Just before I turned the corner, I heard Rosalie's voice. I skidded softly to a stop. I didn't really want to talk to her right now, because I didn't know what load of crap Emmett had fed her this past weekend at their weekly Sunday brunch. I didn't want to talk to her until Emmett and I got our stories straight.
So instead, I skulked and eavesdropped. Just so I could hear when they left the office, of course.
"So did Jerkward send flowers to another one of his harem" asked Rosalie, her husky voice instantly recognizable.
Jerkward? Was Rosalie referring to me?
"Yeah," said Bella. Did I just hear her sigh? "It's disgusting that he has a harem of women who he rotates through. What kind of skanks does he hook up with? What kind of self esteem issues do they have if they can all share him?"
"Who knows what diseases Eddie is carrying?" asked Rosalie, evidently disgusted with my pretend lifestyle.
"I just can't believe how cavalier he is with their feelings. He must be bipolar or something. Because he is totally not like that at work-he's thoughtful and very polite. And he is so protective of Alice - he's a great older brother."
Kill. Me. Now.
"Suave Mr. Cullen by day and Jerkward at night, huh?"
"Something like that," agreed Bella. "Can you pass me the salad?"
Fuck! Not only does the love of my life think I'm a jerk, she and the Queen Bitch are eating lunch at her desk. I knew getting my cell phone was a lost cause.
I ordered my feet to move but they refused to obey. Instead, they remained glued to the floor, my ears open wide.
"So how is Emmett doing?" asked Bella.
"He's great. We had a great time at brunch and then we spent Sunday afternoon watching movies and he painted my toenails," replied the Queen Bitch. "He's having his regular drama about Jasper and he's worried sick about Jerkward. He thinks we should have an intervention or something."
Note for tomorrow's agenda: kill Emmett.
"He thinks that we need to get Edward to meet a nice girl and settle down," she continued, oblivious to my murderous thoughts. "Actually, Emmett has this crazy idea that you and Eddie should hook up and make beautiful babies."
Reprieve. I imagined pulling a guillotine up just before it sliced off Emmett's head.
"Jerkward would make pretty babies," replied Bella. Did I hear wistfulness in her tone? "The Cullen men are all so good looking. Too bad Emmett is gay. Why are all the good ones married or gay?"
"Emmett and Jasper make the best couple, though," said Rosalie. "They give me hope for all the rest of us slobs. "
Wait until I tell Emmett!
"It's a shame that Alice didn't get any of the Cullen charms or looks," mused Rosalie.
"She's just very dedicated to the company," Bella replied, defending my recluse of a sister. "Cullen Corp is her whole world; she doesn't have time for anything else but it and her family."
"What a shark."
"Well, Edward is very fond of her. She and her mother seem to be the only women he can have a genuine relationship."
"God, Edward is such a jerk. He wouldn't know how to be in a relationship if it bit him on his cute ass," Rosalie stated, crushing any hope I might have had about one day hooking up with Bella under her maneater shoes.
Especially when I didn't hear Bella defend me as she had earlier with my sister. Bella and my sister weren't much more than acquaintances, and I thought I was at least her friend.
Author's Notes: What do you think?????
Please remember to vote in the Indie TwiFic Awards for the Good Looking Stalker Guy (Best Crackfic and Best Non Edward/Bella Story) at http[colon forward slash forward slash]theindietwificawards[dot]com[forward slash]votingclosed[dot]aspx starting on the July 22, 2009. Sorry I have to type web address in code or it won't appear on the page. You can also just google the Twi Fic Awards. Thanks!!