We were back at Le Madeleine's. Hey, guys need comfort food too.
"I'm so confused," moaned Emmett. Then he burped, mumbled an excuse me and commenced eating the restaurant out of every pastry it had.
"Let me see if I can break this all down." Professor Hale was in full mode and about to go into his lists. Most of the time I hated when he went all teacher on our asses, but right now I was hoping he could pull our heads out of our asses. I was as confused as Emmett. And in shock. And hopeful. And confused.
"First, Alice and Bella are not together. They are not lesbians," said Jasper, sticking one finger up.
How is it that I was disappointed and yet relieved at the same time because of that? Shit, I am such a guy.
"Second, Alice is dating a guy we know nothing about, and she's introduced him to your parents at the weekly Saturday dinner."
Emmett paused from stuffing a strawberry in his pie hole and growled. Alice's new boyfriend was so in trouble. Maybe I could hold him down for Emmett.
"Third, Bella has the hots for Eddie here. She wants him enough to don a disguise in the hopes that he would not recognize her and she could hit on him to her heart's content."
Emmett turned to me, "Dude, how can you not have recognized your secretary?"
"Assistant," I corrected him. "Remember, I was under the influence of a date rape drug."
"You got, like what, a smidgen of it?" crowed Emmett. "Dude, I was tanked on it, and I knew she was Bella. I just thought she'd gone to a spa or something to get dolled up." Apparently, pointing out my stupidity meant more than wallowing and stuffing his mouth.
"Spa?" I replied, around the potato chips I'd stuffed in my mouth. "Fuck, are you sure you and Jasper aren't going at it like rabbits?"
Both Jasper and Emmett flicked me off at the exact same time.
"Awwww, that's so sweet. I think that a perfect pose for your engagement photo."
Both guys visibility paled under my teasing.
"Damn," Jasper said putting his head in his hands.
"What the fuck was that about, anyway, ya' dumbass?" bellowed Emmett. "Why the hell did you tell my mom we were getting hitched?"
"I wanted to protect you from Rosalie," replied Jasper. It was odd because he such a straight forward guy, but he was refusing to look up from his food.
Emmett moved so quickly, I was amazed. He's a big, easy going guy generally. And yet he didn't project his move at all. He pulled Jasper's seat out from under him, leaving my best friend sprawled out on the floor.
I grabbed Emmett before he could start pounding on Jasper, because he looked pissed. I could almost see steam rising from the top of his head.
"Partner abuse," Jasper said softly. "I thought she'd hurt you and Eddie, Emmett. She's my cousin, she's a Hale. We come from the same gene pool. We're gorgeous on the outside but really fucked up on the inside."
"Conceited much, you douche?" asked Emmett, but I felt him relax so I thought it was okay to let him go. Big mistake.
He sucker punched Jasper in the gut, which made a sickening splat sound.
Jasper groaned and curled up under our table. Emmett calmly sat back down on his chair, his eyes daring me to say anything. With the crazy he was projecting I decided to stay sitting right were I was.
Besides, by the whimpering noises he was making, I judged that Jasper was still breathing and would probably live.
"Let's get back to the list of what we discovered," boomed Emmett, before stuffing a jelly coated piece of bread into his mouth. "Fifth, we found out Rosalie thinks Edward is a jerk and male slut,"
"Sixth," I interrupted. "We found out that the two women I've been obsessing over----
"Seventh," boomed Emmett, "We found out Eddie screams like a girl when he's excited."
I actually blushed. "Sorry, I just couldn't believe Bella was…is Tanya. I mean I've been unbelievably confounded by the idea that I could be in love with Bella and yet still have feelings for Tanya."
"Dude, do I fucking look like Oprah? I don't give a flying flip about your feelings. You almost blew our cover--you know we weren't supposed to be watching the interview. Pattinson was trying to do us a solid. And you had to freaking scream like a fourth grader."
"Emmett," Jasper slowly lifted himself up off the floor and righted his chair before gingerly sitting down. "Stop whining, you pansy. The cops said they're not going to be charging Rosalie with anything."
Emmett sighed and stretched.
"Cause you being stupid isn't a criminal offense," added Jasper, snidely.
And they were off pounding on each other again.
I saw the waitress heading over to us and gathered up my stuff. I started walking to the door, only pausing for a second when I heard "Partner Abuse," and "Sure, call the cops. Make sure you ask for Pattinson."
Emmett needed to get over the fact that Rosalie didn't want to see him anytime soon, even though she had a psycho killer on her ass. And Jasper needed…. Hell, Jasper was just a tool.
I kept walking.
I stormed out of La Madeleine's shortly after Edward, leaving Emmett to eat his weight in heart shaped raspberry tarts and moon over my cousin.
And I walked.
Block after block, letting off steam. At a snail's pace, because my gut still hurt from Emmett's sucker punch.
How the hell had everything turned to shit so quickly?
It was all Alice's fault. She had to turn sexy overnight. And now I had to deal with my attraction to her and deal with the fiasco next week when I'd get my heart crushed and handed to me on a silver platter.
I had to watch the love of my life cuddle with her husband as we all toasted their happy marriage.
My chest hurt and my eyes stung just thinking about her.
I closed my eyes, and bumped into someone walking down the street. The guy muttered a curse at me, and I decided to sit at the bus stop to think.
Ok, where was I? Closing eyes for flashback memory, right.
I closed my eyes and was trying to picture my love's features, when an image of Alice—naked—popped into my head.
What kind of sick fuck was I? Thinking these kinds of thoughts about her, remembering her exquisite taste when I'd promised myself to her mother?
I focused and tried to remember the first time that I felt more than motherly feelings for my best friend's mom. MILF, indeed.
I'd been sixteen, sitting at the kitchen table, ignoring Alice who sat across from me. She just kept staring at me, making me super uncomfortable since I was painfully aware of the big zit I had on the tip of my nose.
"Edward, man," I bellowed at the top of my voice so hopefully the schmuck would hear me through the bathroom door. What the hell was he doing there? "What's the holdup?"
Ms. C turned from her position at the counter where she'd been making dinner and shot me a quelling look. Ms. C did not approve of people yelling in her house.
"Sorry, Mrs. C," I muttered.
She sighed, turned around, and bent down to pick up something from the bottom cabinet.
And I forgot to breathe. All the blood in m body rushed into 2 parts: my brain and Lil' J. Who quickly became Big Hard J.
Ms. C stood up and it was weird because suddenly there was air blowing her hair all around her head and she was backlit by a sparkly white light. Was that a saxophone I heard playing?
"Jasper," she purred, as she rubbed her hands over her body. "I see how you're looking at me now and I want you. I want to make you a man."
I gulped. I turned frantically to my right and saw that Alice had disappeared. Strange. But unimportant.
I turned back and saw Ms. C advancing slowly towards me, unhurriedly undoing button after button of her cardigan and suggestively licking her lips. She paused and started to draw her sweater open.
Thank you, sweet angels, come to papa. I leaned forward and…
Fell off my chair. I shook my head, to clear it. And realized that I had been daydreaming.
And there I lay sprawled, with Big HARD J jutting out, in front of Edward, Emmett, Mrs. C and Alice.
It had started off as a crush, an infatuation. But over the years, my feelings had grown. Every girl I knew seemed so immature and coarse in comparison to my kind, sweet Esme.
And I not-so-patiently waited for Carlisle to fuck it up so I could sweep in and play white knight for my damsel in distress. And I waited. And now I am going to their motherfucking anniversary party and toasting his success.
Was I crushing on Alice now because my heart finally conceded that I would never have Esme? Would Alice be able to stand up to a comparison to her mother? Was I just looking for an Esme substitute? Was this fair to Alice?
I thought about her beautiful neck, the sounds she made as she orgasmed, and her honey taste and I knew I wanted her.
Esme's daughter. DILF.
I squirmed in my seat, trying to get some relief. Trying to rub that right spot against the hard upholstery of my officer chair.
How could he leave me high and dry? First, he revs my engine up at Emmett's ill fated party and then he leaves me without delivering one much needed orgasm. Tease.
I am so not, not impressed that he was a gentleman once he'd escorted me home via cab—I had to leave my own car at the club overnight because I so would have been busted if he'd seen it. Very few people drive classic (read beat up) red pickup trucks. I am so not, not impressed that he's called Tanya every night this past week. That's he's fallen for each of my excuses to not see each other in person but instead simply talk on the phone.
Hell, I had to call in sick two days last week so the temporary spray-on tan I wore to the party could wear off. And bathing in lemon juice is so not a good idea for a woman, as my hoohah painfully discovered. Thankfully, it'd had given me time to care for Rose.
Sigh. I sent a small prayer up on her behalf and wished her positive vibes.
Ok, so getting back to my current predicament, I have decided I am pissed at Edward. Because the whole freakin' point of Tanya was so I could get some. And then get him out of system and finally move on. Period. Exclamation point.
Mother fucking wanker. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK.
I grabbed the report in front of me and covered my face it and opened my mouth to give a silent, frustrated scream.
I needed to chill, I knew that. I needed perspective and all that shit.
Goodness, my internal monologue was starting to sound like Rose.
And she's already given me a fairly solid piece of advice: invest in a really big dildo and a rabbit vibrator. As she pointed out, even spending the weekend with her and helping her put her life back together while getting used to the idea that a murderous bad guy might bust into our apartment at any time to torture and kill my best friend so he can use her body parts on pastries as inspiration for his bizarre art hadn't squelched my desire for some Edward sausage.
Even the hot, young policeman stationed outside our apartment door, for our round-the-clock personal protection, hadn't tempted me. Nor had it tempted Rosalie, which is strange. Of course she's still in shock.
But here was my very own chance to live out a Harlequin romance novel fantasy and all I wanted was Edward.
For sex. Period. Exclamation point.
When the hell had my friggin' life turned into a freakin' soap opera? Hell, last week my best friend almost killed two of my bosses and that was just the tip of the weird crap iceberg.
I opened my mouth up again and screamed silently for a good two minutes.
"Ms. Swan?" asked the smooth, masculine voice that I knew belonged to my boss. Damn, when had even his voice become sexy?
I slowly lowered the report, and felt a tidal wave of red flash across my face.
"Yes, Mr. Cullen?" I asked. Damn, my voice sounded husky. I cleared my throat. "How can I help you?"
He gave me a piercing look and what had been an innocent question, now dripped with innuendo.
"Are you feeling well?" he asked, sounding concerned.
"Yes, I'm fine," I replied, forcing a smile to my face.
"Well, then, Ms. Swan, would you do me the honor of being my date for my parent's anniversary party next week?"
"What?" I squawked.
"My parents are having a costume ball next weekend to celebrate their wedding anniversary. I was hoping you'd be my date," he replied softly.
I felt hypnotized by his stare. I knew about the party as I, like every other employee of Cullen Publishing, had received an invite. I just couldn't process the fact that Edward was asking me to attend as his date. What about the fact that I was his assistant? What about Tanya, the gal he'd been romancing over the phone?
"Um, I'm sorry, Mr. Cullen, but I don't think that would be appropriate," I responded miserably.
Edward let out a sigh, and I could have sworn a look of hurt darted across his face.
"Very well," he replied formally, his face showing that a stick had become firmly lodged in his you-know-what. "Would you please send Veronica flowers this week? Please include on the card that I especially enjoyed Saturday."
I almost smiled in response. I knew that Edward wasn't sleeping with his harem. I still hadn't figured out who these women were, but I was positive Saturday night Edward had slept all alone in his bed. Cause he and I had fallen asleep on the phone. I needed to remember to ask who the ladies were when he had his next little chat with Tanya.
"Of course, Mr. Cullen," I responded briefly.
"Ms. Swan, I know you and Tanya are very close," he stated, arching an eyebrow at me.
Who was this vixen that wanted to jump over my desk and lick an eyebrow?
"Yes," I responded. Damn, husky do-me voice was back.
"Do you think Tanya would accompany me to my parent's anniversary party?"
Blame TallulahBelle for Jasper's POV. She planted the idea by joking around about an Esme and Jasper encounter on the Twilighted forums.
Thanks for the reviews. They help keep me honest and inspire much of the craziness. I will (hopefully) be publishing the next chapter of GLLTVG this weekend.
Happy belated birthday, owenic! (who has written really funny, heartwarming stories on Twilighted).