Characters: Spock, Kirk, Sarek
Warnings: Language, implications
Notes: For a prompt on the crackmeme. Spock's flirting is totally unintelligible to Kirk, but it's enough to make the Ambassador's entourage retch. I didn't quite hit what the OP was asking for, but it's probably good for a giggle.
From prompt here:
Spock has a crush on someone but he quickly realizes that Vulcan Seduction Techniques (TM) will not work on a human male, therefore, he decides to seduce that person using Earth techniques. The thing is, he's still a Vulcan, therefore his "seduction" is so subtle, that absolutely no one, including the seducee, notices. For other Vulcans, however, it looks like Spock is draping himself all over the guy while crying hysterically I LOVE YOU!
I want to see it from the POV of those other Vulcans. Spock touches his beloved's hand and they see Spock playing with himself while proposing a blow job etc. :)
The first time the Ambassador's entourage noticed the way Spock touched his captain's hand, to get his attention, it was generally thought that someone was going to need to call Scotty, just to get Stonn's eyebrow out of the ceiling. The captain, however, appeared to be clueless. He looked at Spock as though the latter were very subtly communicating entirely other information of vital importance.
Sarek dropped his spoon at dinner, that evening, as he watched his son accept the salt from Captain Kirk. Spock's fingertips dragged slowly across the captain's palm, before touching the salt shaker, and the way Spock quirked his eyebrow --! Well, Sarek had never looked that way at anyone in a public place, including his wife. He chastised himself through the whole meal for having raised a son with no sense of propriety.
Another of the Ambassador's attendants had caught Spock clasping hands with the captain, in a corridor, as humans do after a handshake, but Spock added another hand to that grip, clasping Kirk's hand between his, as he said something that sounded urgent, but was just a bit too far off to hear. Surely, the two were having some open and heated affair to touch like this in public places! But, Kirk just laughed and clapped Spock on the shoulder, before continuing down the hall, leaving Spock to gaze mournfully after him, looking just as stoic as ever, to the untrained eye.
No one witnessed what went on under the table at breakfast, but from the astonished embarrassment on the captain's face, everyone present assumed it must have been quite entertaining. In fact, Spock had just flicked the captain in the elbow and pointed down, indicating that Kirk had left his zipper open.
Spock leaned over his captain's shoulder, one hand on it for balance, and laid his hand over Kirk's on the mapboard. There was a ripple as the air sucked out of the Vulcan side of the room, in a collective gasp, but Spock covered it.
"Captain, if I may? You are indicating that we should attend to affairs on Altair VII before moving to Rigel X, and while that would be in the best interest of time, I suggest this alternate route, allowing us to acquire butterflies from Rigel X to present as gifts when we open negotiations on Altair VII." He guided the captain's hand across the map, tracing the paths he was speaking of, never taking his eyes off the map.
Two Vulcans excused themselves from the room, in horrified disgust.
After the vulgar display over the star charts, Ambassador Sarek took Captain Kirk aside for a conversation on Vulcan manners. Explaining that his son was half human, and prone to emotional outbursts, Sarek apoloogised to the captain for any uncomfortable moments Spock might have caused him. Being wholly human, himself, Kirk expressed absolute confusion, leaving Sarek to explain the finer details of the role of hands in Vulcan romance.
Kirk turned several colours -- not had he missed someone flirting with him, but he'd had to have it explained by that person's father, and more than that, it was his first officer, who he thought hated him. He stared, open mouthed, at Sarek for several long moments.
"Excuse me, are you fucking serious?" Kirk looked like he'd been punched in the face. "Er, are you fucking serious, Ambassador, sir?"
"Quite." Sarek's eyebrow arched in amusement.
"I have to go fix this. I have to make this right." Kirk raised a hand to -- it didn't matter. He lowered his hands and bowed, shallowly, taking his leave in a rush.
Sarek followed, curious. He caught up to Kirk, just as the captain burst onto the observation deck, where Spock stood, staring out into the vastness of space. With a sound of frustration, Kirk spun Spock to face him and lifted one of Spock's hands by the wrist, tipping it back with his thumb.
"Captain, what are you --" Spock's consternation vanished in a rush of surprise. He gasped as his captain pressed two fingers against his own.
"That's a kiss, right? Well, let me show you how it's done on Earth." Kirk reached up and grabbed the back of Spock's neck, pulling him down for a very human kiss, while the fingers of his other hand allowed the Vulcan kiss to continue.
As Spock's other arm wrapped around Kirk's waist, Sarek stepped quietly back into the corridor, hints of a smile playing at the corners of his mouth. It was a parent's duty to look out for the well-being of his children, regardless of their species.