Satire on the Death Eaters

Our teacher told us to write a satire about anything we wanted. I chose the Death Eaters. Enjoy!



The seaside town of Southwold, Suffolk, lay in silence. Huge waves crashed against the sea wall, the beach taking a battering in the ferocious winter storm.

The pier stood, empty and desolate, stretching far out to sea. The streets were devoid of people, save for a few lone individuals, hunched up in their raincoats, desperate to get home to their warm, cosy fires.

In the high street, the shops were dark and foreboding, and the rain lashing down made it almost impossible for anybody living above the shops to see outside.

If the rain hadn't prevented them from looking out, they would have seen a most peculiar sight, apart from the 90% of people who lived in Southwold that were losing their sight, Southwold being the town you go to when you're about to die.

Twelve hooded men had appeared, seemingly from nowhere. Their flowing robes were black, their posture would have been intimidating, if they hadn't have fallen down (which was an unfortunate combined effect of apparating and being idiots) and they had on silvery, wispy masks (which should have been held on with magic, but regrettably, the spell had been forgotten, so the masks were precariously stuck on with Spellotape).

The men were positioned in a semi circle, with an obvious leader standing in the middle. He was wearing the same garments as the others (with the addition of a 'I'M THE LEADER PICK ME!!!' florescent green badge), but somehow he commandeered attention, and from the way the men looked at him (those who weren't picking their noses, or figuring out which day it was) he obviously held their respect.

He had a most curious look about him. His slitted eyes shone red; his nose lay flat against his face, and, most oddly of all, his skin shone bright white, casting a milky glow behind him.

His name was Tom Marvolo Riddle, however, due to a rather unpleasant incident, in which he killed the father he was named after, he no longer went by that name (a theory was the police would find it harder to find him). His new name was 'Lord Voldemort', although, most people called him something else, ranging from 'He Who Must Not Be Named' to 'He Who Has Psychosis'.

He was the leader of the Death Eaters- a group of mentally challenged wizards (although they did overcome gender barriers by letting witches in) who had two primary aims: Kill Muggles, and Take Over The World Using Particularly Hypnotic Music.

In the dreary high street of a traditional seaside town, they were executing their first aim. They'd had too many firewhisky's earlier that evening, and, because Lord Voldemort, despite getting new bodies every week, and having all that plastic surgery, was actually 83, they decided a town full of pensioners wheezing in their wheelchairs was more than enough of a challenge.

It was also somewhat of an initiation for the newest recruit: 19-year-old Regulus Black. He was rather nervous: after all, he was weak, frail, and he fainted at the sight of blood. He spent his days muttering under his breath incomprehensibly, and occasionally saying his brother's name, before quickly saying, 'No, no, I don't have a brother…'

Usually, Voldemort would then fix him with an icy smile, and say 'Not thinking of running to your brother, and joining that organization about parrots, are you?' although, actually, Lord Voldemort meant The Order Of The Phoenix, who were working to destroy him, and the name was a ploy to get him to think they were running a bird sanctuary.

At this, a man with hair the colour and texture of straw, Barty Crouch, would say, 'No, of course Reg won't betray us and eventually steal a Horcrux to destroy!'

This thought had less to do with Regulus's loyalties, however, than the fact that Barty Crouch and Regulus were a couple. When they told Voldemort he simply said, 'Well, I am a tolerant man, aren't I? Just don't be adding rainbows to your Death Eater robes, it would completely ruin the scary 'I'm About To Kill You' effect.'

Standing next to Regulus and Barty (who were secretly holding hands), were two humans who the term 'human being' could only loosely apply to them. At first glance they looked like ogres: at second, particularly ugly trolls, and it was only when they opened their mouths and grunted, that you could tell they were descended from Neanderthals. They would look at home slamming clubs onto rocks to make tools, and, actually, that was how they spent their rare days off from killing Muggles. They were Crabbe and Goyle Sr, two dim-witted death eaters, whose wife's were both hags. Currently, they were trying to remember how to walk, without much luck. They swayed on their feet, desperately thinking: was it go forward first, or was it backward? Their thoughts drifted, as they often did, to food. Pink blamanches… carrot cake… parsnips dipped in chocolate… That was the extent of their thoughts.

Next to the look alike trolls, was a man so small he would have been expelled from the We Are Humans Not Dwarfs club (in fact, that was why he started hating Muggles). He was Peter Pettigrew, but he was called Wormtail, due to him freakishly turning into a rat by choice (psychiatrics think he was a rat in a past life). He had bandages (Wanna get back to killing Muggles quickly? CHOOOOOOSE Wendy's exclusively for death eater bandages!) on every limb, because the day before, Voldemort, being a little bored, told him to jump off a cliff.

At that moment, there was a loud crack, and a tall man joined the group. He was Lucius Malfoy, and he was excessively vain and shallow. Before he killed Muggles, he would get them to list his qualities. He had a system: if they were nice about his hair, it was a quick Avada Kadavra. If they said his robes were nice, it would be one small Crucio before death. Anything else, the torture would be drawn out.

He was very particular about his hair. Everyone knew he wasn't a natural blonde, however, he refused to admit it. If you mentioned it, he would blow up (he had been known to kill 5 year olds who asked him why he was having a competition with the Sun).

He was quite possibly the richest in the group: Voldemort blew all his money on campaigning for Minister for Magic (although his publicist consistently told him he had to get a fake tan and a nose job if he wanted any chance of winning) and Rights For Immortals.

Due to this, Lucius also had the fanciest robes. They were Dolce & Gabbana Wizard Line quality robes. He hated blood splattering his robes, and when he was killing Muggles, he wore leather gloves inscribed with his initials.

When Lucius appeared, Voldemort was busy talking to his lover Bellatrix Black. She had actually married Rodolphus Lestrange: however Voldemort sent him off to Libya to massacre the entire population (Rodolphus was slightly insane- he had been diagnosed with anti social personality disorder in early childhood) so Bellatrix and him could take moonlit walks on the beach, and kill tens of thousand of Muggles. No one could see what they saw in each other, being a psychotic octogenarian, and a deranged witch, but they had plans to get married (first, kill Rodolphus, and blame it on Muggles, which had the added advantage of killing even more Muggles for revenge) and they were even planning their honeymoon, which would involve muggle babies, and a rather long needle. What Voldemort didn't know was that Bellatrix was a drug addict. She had once killed a drug dealer, and then took his little bag of white powder, before trying it. She was hooked, and, ten years later, she still needed her 'little secret', and, she figured what Voldy (she was the only one allowed to call him that-and even then, only in their bedroom) didn't know wouldn't kill him- though it might kill her. Although the 'Give Us Witches Rights Or We'll Turn You To Stone' group tried to stress to Bellatrix how important it was she set a good example, being the only female death eater (Alecto didn't count: It turned out she was only a woman by surgical means), she ignored their advice, and walked around with her hair looking like the end of a broomstick, and her robes tattered in revealing places.

As to Voldemort himself, he was very clever, very hard to understand sometimes, when he got onto the topic of his plans to rule the world (which was frequently). He had a habit of talking in Mugglespeak (which was banned, naturally), as, after all, he did grow up in a Muggle orphanage.

'What do you mean hypnotizing everyone by playing Celine Dion didn't work? Oh, god- no, no, God is a Muggle invention, ahem, I meant merlin,yes of course.'

For all of his big plans, and great inventions, he was most proud of working out the function of a rubber duck: 'I don't see why that Weasel man is so obsessed with the function of a rubber duck. They are so obviously for luring young children to be drowned.'