Of Rock Stars, Cluster Lizards, And Divine Assassins!!

(Valdron's disclaimers)

Part One:

The Call!!

With a familiar WHOOSH, I "woke" from my cold slumber as the lid of my cryopod raised. I found myself instantly evaluating my surroundings and easily determined the threat level to be low as my optical sensors,..which appear to be eyes to Type Thirteen Planet folk, slid back and forth in their sockets,..instantly taking in my environment.

Xev had awakened me. She moved slowly and gracefully across the fleshy floor of the cryochamber and as sinuously as the cluster lizard, which had accidently became a part of her current DNA.

Xev was perfection in the form of womanhood. Only intellectually can I appreciate that perfection,..though sometimes I show my "approval" of her perfection by occasionally consenting to kiss her.

Smiling, Xev stepped up to the cryounit and pressed her hands against my chest. I allowed her to run her hands across my chest and caress the muscles in my neck before I took her wrists and removed those delicate hands from the person of my Dead nonhuman body. "Xev, do you and Stan have need of me?"

I purposefully looked away from her as I questioned her as to the reason for my awakening. Xev had to be conditioned away from form her futile deep feelings of needing to mate with me. Looking at her, straight in the eye,..encouraged her useless longings and tempted me to kiss and kiss again her nearly perfect lips. I dared not give in to such a temptation.

"The Dead," I began tonelessly,.."Do not..."

Xev heaved a sigh of frustration and did not even give me the common curtesy of finishing my "Deadness" admonition,.."Oh can it, Kai!! Stan sent me up here to wake you up and request that you accompany us to earth. Granny Hepzibah has sent us up a call that she is in need of our assistance!! She says that there is an evil person, who has come to her village of Avarre, and that I will get to eat his brain after you kill him!

Besides,..Granny says that you owe her a favor for returning you to your natural form after you got turned into a flea and requests that you come down to help her get rid of this evil person!

Stan says that he is tired of sitting up here in the Lexx and waiting to see what sort of mischief that prince will try and inflict upon us and he is actually going to go to Avarre with us and has already asked Granny for a piece of her cinnamon apple pie!!"

I nodded to Xev as I stepped from my cryounit,.."Let us go then! Granny has politely requested our presence and she did most kindly return me to my Divine Assassin form after the "Affaire Of The last of the Brunnin Fleas!!"

Together, Xev and I removed ourselves from the cryochamber and went in search of Stan and a new adventure!!

Part Two:

Checkers!

My name is Iron Mike Jones. I play with Iron Mike and the SteelMen. You might have seen my group on the Grammy Awards any number of times. Yeah,..we were pretty popular a few years back.

I found out that my wife,..Hildy,..was also very, very popular..with anyone, who wore a pair of pants. Lonnie, my drummer, wears black leather pants. Hildy just "LUVS" black leather.

When I confronted Hildy as to why the guys in the band had nicknamed her "Bounty,"..she only laughed and quiped,.."Cause I'm the "quicker-picker-upper!!"

"You been messing around on me?" I asked her bluntly.

Hildy just smiled as she settled herself in her favorite sleeping position,..a bare foot out of each of the two bus windows with her back on one seat,.."Now,..my dear,..tell Lonnie..that I'm ready to play checkers with him!"

"Yeah!" I muttered,."It must be a thrill..when he jumps you!! Why, Hildy,..why must you sit with your legs so far apart,..especially in front of my friends?"

I came back two hours later and I found out that she was lying!!

Yep! My sweet little wife was lying.

I should have known she was lying!

I caught her lying under Lonnie!!

Now,..I know why Lonnie makes such a good drummer!! He was in perfect rhythm with my wife!! I shoulda known!! I shoulda known!!

Her true nature has been apparent since we first got married. I had asked her which of the guys from my band,..Iron Mike and the SteelMen,..I should ask as my best man in our wedding. She looked at me and smiled as she replied,.."Oh Mikey,..I don't know!! All the guys are good!"

That shouda have been a warning! That shoulda been a warning to me right there!

When Hildy went with me and the guys on tour,..she was probably the coming attraction!!

I remember helping brush potato chips off the back of her skirts after we would make food stops, and Lonnie would ask me if I could guess who was the "Frito Lay!!"

Hildy had two good reasons that the guys in the band liked her,..and both of those reasons were double "D" size forty! I should have known! I should have known!! I paid for them.

If those two reasons could have been any bigger, her bra size would have been larger than her IQ!! As things turned out,.maybe I should say,..my IQ!!

I loved her and I trusted her..and she was cheating on me. I coulda divorced her,..but DAMN,..I still loved the little slut!!

The onliest solution to my problem that I could think of was to turn back time and take a break form touring and romance her and take her back to my little home town of Avarre, Ohio! This was where we met. This was where we fell in love. This was where I met her while she was wearing a training bra,..which had not yet become an "overachiver!!"

I told Hildy that we are going back to Avarre..tonight! She's furious! Lonnie , the drummer,..didn't have much to say!! I wonder what he thinks about my disapproval of his "pounding" on my wife..instead of his drums?

Part three:

The Flip Side

My husband's name is Iron Mike of Iron Mike and the SteelMen. You will notice that the name of the group isn't the SteelMen,..but Iron Mike and the SteelMen? Doesn't that say something about the man's ego?

Yeah,..I know,..I know. I should be really thrilled to be married to a man,..who hosted the Grammy's two years in a row,..but I'm not thrilled with that,..not in the least.

I would be thrilled if he hosted even one dinner a week in our home, but we don't even have a home. My husband is too busy touring!

When one goes touring,..one gets meets the groupies. One gets to party with the groupies. Need I say more?

The only time that my husband ever said "Stop!" to a groupie was when he sent her a telegram! That woman's idea of instant gratification would have been gang rape by all of the members of my husband's band. And the telegram was,..in fact,..a set of directions to the next hotel!!

While Iron Mike is busy "partying with the groupies,"..I'm often left sitting with Lonnie,.. the band's drummer,..who for the longest time seemed only too willing to sit with me and listen to my wails about Iron Mike and his prtying. Then, Lonnie suggested tht we start having our own "party!"

Hey? Why not?

I have a right to "party"..too!

Part Four:

Aside

Iron Mike makes me sick. How can any man,..who truly loves a woman, say that she is so hot that she should have a smoke alarm between her thighs? Well, Hildy's husband has said that, and the old bugger cheats on HER so much that if he had a coin operated zipper on his pants,..he would be a billionare by now.

Iron Mike loves/hates Hildy,..his wife,..who is my lover. The real joke is that his cheating ways are what brought him and Hildy together,..and are what is going to break those two up,..if I have anything to do with it. I have a right. Iron Mike and his money and his rock star fame are what are what stole my Hildegarde from me in the first place.

Hildy and I went to a small town high school together. We were going steady with the understanding that we were engaged. I was the drummer in the high school band and Hildy was the head majorette. We used to send hours talking about how all we wanted out of life was a small farm, a home, and lots of kids.

Iron Mike changed all of the plans that Hildy and I made together. By the time old Iron Mikey got through with my Hildy,..she needed double "D' operated batteries in her baton..just to get through the periods of time he was away from her.

Iron Mike and the SteelMen came to Canton and played a local gig..and I made the mistake of taking Hildy to see her favorite rock star,..The One and only Iron Mike! Somehow Hildy's panties,..complete with her phone number attached,..wound up flying through the air and hit old Iron Mike right in the face!! One sniff and he was hooked,..but they knocked his wig clean off his head!!

Don't ask me! I don't know how those panties got up there,..wound around the microphone after they smacked Iron Mike in the face! I was sitting with Hildy the whole time and I didn't see her throw anything up on the stage!!

In fact,..I could have sworn some Goth guy and his weird friends,..sitting in the back of the club, tossed something on the stage, but the guy was gone so quick that it was almost as if he had disappeared or something!! I don't know!!

Next thing I know,..Iron mike was dating Hildy and then,..they were headed for Los Vegas!! Iron Mike gave me the consolation prize of becoming the drummer for Iron Mike and the Steelmen. I went along so that I could keep an eye on Hildy!!

Iron Mike says all kinds of things about Hildy,..now..that he has been married to her for two years. He says that she is a "cheap slut,"..who was in full bloom when he met her and he just came along in time to prevent too much cross pollination. He says that Hildy,..in the road of life,....follows the path of least resistance and that she was the reason that he was forced to buy penicillin in bulk for Iron Mike and the Steelmen's first aid kit!!

Ha! This was from the guy,..who with his groupies,..has been able to prove beyond a doubt that perpetual motion truly does exist. The only other guy that Hildy has ever been with is me,..Lonnie,..and I am just taking back what was mine in the first place!! And,..if I have my way,..that could happen anytime now!!

I am contacing a friend of mine,..Madame Hepzibah Yodere or just plain Granny Hepzibah to her friends,..to find Iron Mike,..who wishes to rekindle his "LUV" for his wife, a small place to rent in a tiny semi-Amish village in North East Ohio.

I can just see what will happen when Iron Mike and his crew move in here!It's been a long time since Mikey lived in a small, rural, conservative town!! He's such a fool that he is bringing me along so that I will see how easy it is for him to win back Hildy's affections.

Iron Mike is so sure of himself that he has asked me to cast about and see if I can find him a new personal assistant! The last personal assistant that he had left after she found out from her gynocologist that prolonged exposure to Iron Mike had left her sterile!!

Granny Hepzibah has never been fond of groupies. It has something to do with her losing a beau, named Rudy Valentino,..or something like that,..to a bunch of groupies,..who took him off to Hollywood along time ago and she never saw him again!! Granny said that was the last time that she would ever try to help someone get his "green card!!" Poor Rudy died an unexplained death for someone, who was in the prime of his life,..shortly after that!

Ha! And poor old Iron Mikey ALWAYS has to have a personal assistant. A young lady,..who is searching for the "simple life,"..should be able to fit the bill for my drooling, doddering rival in love for hildy! Paris,..with her pee-in-a-handbag pup, and Iron Mike!! Old Mikey just hates dogs since on bite him on the upper lip!!

Granny says that she has someone else in mind for Iron Mike's new personal assistnt,..some gal with a relly weird name like Xev. I think that the "simple life" chick would be a better choice. Granny says that we will just see what happens and that Xev is very fond of simple human brains. It's not too smart to argue with Granny Hepzibah!

Part five:

Inside: Cats And A New Personal Assistant!

"Do you know what I hate most about giving a party?" I asked my group's former drummer.

"Probably, separating the crowd and finding your underwear in the big pile of clothes on the floor,.after the party games!" snipped Lonnie,..my rival in love for my wife's love,.."Considering the "games" that you might play!!"

Lonnie says things like that to me now since he quit being the drummer for my band. The "dodo" seems to have invented a new car,..which runs on an alternative fuel,..cow manure! If that is not strange enough,..the advertising for the new car's fuel is just plain down right weird. Would you REALLY enjoy staring at a picture of a cow,..sitting on top of a gas pump and reading a Sears and Roebuck Catalogue?

Lonnie has gone plain crazy since we all moved back into this dicey little burg. He quit the band,..cut his waist length hair, and got a job working in Abraham Miller's Plain Folk's Internet Diner And Cafe.

Hey man! Looney Lonnie is even wearing the local business suit,..plaid rolled sleeved work shirt,..overhalls,..work boots, and a "wagon wheel" straw hat,..which he tips to the bonneted ladies with an astonishing regularity! The fool has gone native on us!! Next he'll be driving a horse and buggy!!

This is just plain nuts! We've all supposedly grown up and gotten on with our lives and left this cheesy little burg behind us with all it's moral hangups and stuff. I think that old Granny Hepzibah Yodere is the one, who is puting him up to this. She's my great aunt by marriage and Lonnie's great-great-grandmother.

I thought that she was weird when I was a kid and I could hardly wait for her to die'cause I thought then she must be up in her nineties and she would really look weird in a casket if she was dead,..but the old biddy is still alive and she seems to have absolutely no intention of dying.

Like I said, I'm related to her only through marriage! Lonnie is related to her by blood..so that he's just GOT to be crazy as she is! It's just not natural for a person to be as old as she must be!!

I was only trying to mess with Lonnie's mind when I told him to rent the three of us a house here in Avarre!! I thought that it would be a real ego boost for myself to beat Lonnie at his own game of seducing my wife and the fun of it would be that he would be there to watch me win her back again.

I figured that by the time that I got through with Hildy,..in and out of bed,..and by the time I brought her enough gifts and let her see how dismal life was for a pair of swingers like us in this little burg,..Hildy would be more than ready to come back on the tour with me and forget old Lonnie.

When Lonnie quit the band on me,.I was just about ready to make reservations for New York city and call my old girlfriend! Whee! Hildy could join us in a foursome!!

But then,..Hildy saw Lonnie in those work clothes and heard that he had a day job already,..and suddenly,..she wanted to stay a day or two more in that little house that Granny Hepzibah has rented her and me. Lonnie actually moved into the house with the old biddy!! Something is going on!! I don't know what it is!! Man! I'm all shook up!!

Hildy is even dressing like some of the women around here. She wiped all of the makeup off her face,..put on an old ragged pair of jeans,..and decked herself out in an old sweatshirt!! Hey man! Things are really getting warm here!!

I asked Hildy to go jogging with me today and I glued my wig with the extra hair extensions on so that I could look extra sexy for Hildy and the local girls and boys. We took off for a run even before the glue was dry,..I was so desparate to get Hildy's mind off Lonnie!!

When we were on tour,..if I had paid this much attention to her,..Hildy would have been thrilled. But today, when we jogged past the Abraham Miller's Plain Folk's Internet Diner and Cafe where Lonnie now worked,..Hildy got distracted because she knew that Lonnie was working inside!!

I sort of gave Hildy a shove to remind her that she was with me while we were jogging past the internet store and cafe and when she was falling over,..I tripped in a pot hole and fell flat on my face!!

My wig went flying off and the next thing I knew,..a tiny black kitten landed belly first on top of my head! Somehow,..that damned cat had landed on that part of my head that was still smeared with glue that had not yet dried and had been intended to hold on that heavy wig of mine!!

Wouldn't you know? That damned kitten was stuck fast up there in a smeared mass of glue,..screeching and yowling and scratching the hell out of me on he top of my head and it's flailing claws were getting very close to my eyes!! Talk about pain!!

What was worse,..old Lonnie came running out of the Plain Folks' Internet Diner and Cafe and called 911 on his cell phone!!

Abraham Miller insisted that I got in the hospital in the local ambulance that he had called for me! Groan!! He called the Christian Plain Folks' Fire Committee's Deacon Schmedler's Church Approved Hospital Transport Unit!!

Have you ever been taken to the hospital in an Amish Ambulance..with a screeching kitten glued to the top of your bare skull? I will say that the siren,..a boy in the back of the wagon,..who was screaming into a bull horn and waving a red lantern,..spooked the horses so much that they made the run to Massillon all that much faster!!

Have you ever arrived in an emergency room with a cat glued to the top of your head? It's downright embaressing to have the staff call the house surgeon and a psychiatrist at the same time!!

Of course, everyone knew who I was!! One nurse almost fainted at the sight of the kitten trying to claw my eyes out and thought that it was a publicity stunt,..and gasped, "Ooooh,..how kinky!!"

I had to explain to the psychiatrist that i was not trying out a new sexual practice!! Then,..I had to ward off the local ASPCA officer!!

After the docter literally had to cut the kitten's fur to remove it from the top of my now lacerated pate,..the damn cat squalled and wiggled and ran off!!

I don't know why the damned nurse took one look into it's eyes and gasped and then,..just dropped it, and let it run off!

"Kill the damn beast!" I screamed in rage,.."Destroy it!! Destroy it!! it like to have killed me!"

The doctor stiffened up when the nurse whispered something in his ear and then,..looked me straight in the eye,..and said to me,.."You've got some powerful enemies. It would not be a wise idea to mess with THAT kiten!!"

The kitten was allowed to run off and disappear!! I didn't even have the satisfaction of seeing it immediately and painfuly destroyed. That damned cat!

Lonnie had to drive me home cause he and hildy had followed my ambulance to the hospital in his car. Hildy kept grabbijg him his arm while he was driving and whispering in his ear,."My hero! My hero!"

I had to remind her to come home with me!!

Next morning,..when I went from my little rented house to pay Hildy's and my first month's rent to Granny Hepzibah at her rickey old house,..where Lonnie was staying with her as a"live-in" renter,..I noticed that Granny was brushing something out of her hair!!

"What's wrong?" I asked the old biddy,."Got lice?"

Granny looked at me in a very strnge way and cackled,."Don't you remember?" Yesterday,..I got glue in my hair! Im dreck g'fola!!"

Then,.the old hexen looked at me and smiled, and said quite plainly and quite clearly,.."Meow"

I RAN home without waiting for my rent receipt or an explanation! A little blond met me at the door of my rntl house with stupid grin and the statement,."Do you believe in the simple life?"