This is Fang's answers to the
application shown in 'Application to Date my Daughter', by Evil
Robina. I have asked her permission to write this, and obviously she
If you want to know how this began, go read her story, and be sure to review it.
Iggy: And you own nothing, I presume?
Rain: Smart cookie! -hugs-
Iggy: I want to see the flock, can you ask Robina if she can bring Angel over for a visit?
Rain: Sure! Next chapter of 'Total takes over' you can have Angel over. 'Kay?
Rain: INSIDE VOICE! :) hehehe
R & R.
Application to Date my Daughter
Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage and medical report from your doctor.
But I can't give you any of those!
Uh... Fang? Oh, and sometimes Nick.
Date Of Birth: I don't know.Height: Tall.
Weight: I haven't stepped on the scales lately.
I.Q.: We're all sposed to be kinda smart. Genetically enhanced, and whatnot.
G.P.A.: Uh... what's a G.P.A?
Soc. Sec.#: Don't have one. I'm not supposed to exist, actually.
Driver's License#: I don't have one, although I have driven a car before. Uh, not that you should be worried about me being a felon and having a felon date your daughter... she drove the car too!
Boy Scout Rank: I never joined, but I'd kick butt at the survival stuff.
Good Standing: Sure?
Home Address: Currently- your house. If you want to get specific, I guess you could note that my room is only a few doors down from yours.
City/State/Zip: Arizona, don't know the zipcode.
Home Phone#: Your phone number. I don't know it.
Car Phone#: Huh?
Pager#: I'm not rich enough to own one of those- Max handles my money.
Do you own
a. Van? No, but I've driven one.
b. Truck with oversized tires? Nope.
c. Car with a trunk full of speakers? Nope.
Do you have any of the following:
a. An earring: Iggy does. I wasn't allowed to get one. (Max's fault).
b. nose ring: Nope.
c. belly button ring: Why would I get one of those?
d. or piercings on any other body parts: No, no, and no.
Explain: I said no.
(If you answered YES to any of the above questions, discontinue and leave the premises immediately.)
In 30 words or less, what does
"LATE" mean to you?
Uh, I guess it means that you're not on time for something?
In 30 words or less, what does
"DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?
It means 'Do not touch Max', I'm guessing?
Church you attend: We went to a
church once in New York. I can't remember it's name.
How often: Once.
Best time to interview your pastor? Probably never.
Fill In The Blank. Please answer
freely, all answers will be confidential.
a. If I were beaten, the last bone I want to be broken is:
My wing, because then I couldn't fly.
b. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me is:
How many times have you kissed my daughter?
c. Now answer the question you filled in on B:
Wait, what? Ugh. Okay, um... a few times...
NOTE: If you have answered any of the previous questions dishonestly (and I will find out), discontinue application. It is advised that you leave the premises quickly keeping your head low and running in serpentine fashion.
I swear that all information provided above is true and correct to the best of my knowledge under penalty of death, dismemberment, electrocution, and/or hot pokers.
Signature (This means sign your name)
Thank you for your interest. Please allow 4 - 6 YEARS for processing. If your application is approved, you will be contacted in writing. Please do not call or write, this could cause you unexpected injury.
If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two men wearing white ties and answering to the names GUIDO and LOUIE.
Eight simple rules for dating my daughter.
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
But I live with you, and I don't own a car!
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
I wouldn't do it in front of you, and especially not in front of the flock! We'd never hear the end of it, and Max would probably deck me herself.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.
Okay, okay, I'll pull my pants up!
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.
Dr. M, I'm only fourteen!
Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Whenever Max gets home, so do I. And we need to get to bed relatively early- world to save and all that.
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.
I am pretty popular, but all the girls that have asked me out through my blog have been turned down, I swear.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
I wouldn't know how to, for one. And Max doesn't wear make-up, unless Ella, Nudge and Angel force her to.
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places lacking parents, policemen, or nuns. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her chin. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.
We can't really go out much, and Max can't wear skimpy clothes because of the wings. Is this a joke, Dr. M?
Haha, so there we go. I added
little responses to the rules, even though it doesn't say to. Hope
you enjoy, and go read 'Application to date my Daughter' by Evil
Robina to find out the backstory on this!