Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.

A/N: I was inspired to make this after reading the Code Geass fic "You Got LuluRolled!" by Roxius. Now everybody, I am completely sorry. I truly am. But the following stories...... have absolutely no plot whatsoever. Okay? I just wanted to clear that up all right? This ain't your regular TMOHS fic, kiddies. Just remember, it's your own fault for coming here and expecting an exciting tale of witty, philosophical humor, psychological banter, and whatnot. What you WILL find in this story is:

Wanton Violence

Character Bashing

Shameless Parodies

Major OOCness

Randomness

Foul Language

Sexual References and Situations

and Crack Pairings.

So now you know what ingredients went into this vile concoction.

Note: Unless it is noted, most of the chapters will be told in a normal point of view. Chapters told in a character's POV will have something like 'Kyon's POV' or 'Haruhi's POV' at the beginning. Hopefully this will entertain you guys, until they decide to stop rehashing Endless Eight. Time to get the ball rolling!


Change is Good:

Kyon walked through the door to WcDonalds, the smell of fresh hamburgers hitting his nostrils. Only the cashiers, cooks, an overweight man, a pimple-faced boy in a hoodie, and a mother with two screaming brats occupied the establishment.

Kyon saw an empty booth by the windows and quickly sat down. After getting comfortable he glanced around. His only reason for coming to this place at three in the afternoon was the fact that he had received a text message on his cell phone, requesting that he arrive at WcDonalds for a meeting.

The only problem was that he had no idea who had left him the message.

All it said at the bottom was that it was from 'A Friend'.

From which friend he had no clue.

In typical Kyon fashion, he began to run over the list of possible responses he would prepare for his mystery pal, his thoughts were interrupted by a sudden tapping on his shoulder.

"Kyon?" said a soft voice.

Startled, he turned to his to left and was met with a surprise. It definitely wasn't Itsuki. It was a girl.

But it wasn't one he knew either.

She was wearing a North High School girl uniform, dark glasses, and had a purple scarf tied around her head. Almost like she was trying to remain incognito. She gave Kyon a lovely, angelic smile.

Plus her rack wasn't too bad either.

"Can I.... help you? Miss......" Kyon stammered as the girl sat down in the same booth as him.

"Sorry I'm late," she said. "Getting here without being seen was quite difficult. I see you received my message."

"You sent me the message? Do I know you? " a surprised Kyon asked. He was pretty sure he hadn't seen this girl anywhere at school before.

"Ah, I'm sorry Kyon. I haven't explained yet. It's me, " said the mystery girl.

Kyon's eyebrows rose slightly. All right, this was getting odd...

"Me, who?"

"Oh, right this," she said, gesturing to the scarf and glasses. "Let me get rid of these first."

Kyon watched as the girl removed the aforementioned accessories and placed them on the table. He saw that the scarf had hidden her long, sandy-brown hair and that the glasses had covered her light-brown eyes. A very familiar smile rested on her face now.

Kyon blinked.

Once.

Twice.

Thrice.

No, it couldn't be.....

Could it?

The voice was a slightly higher pitch, the eyes and hair were the same colors, and that facial expression...

His mouth went dry, but he just managed to slowly say...

"Itsuki Koizumi?"

"In the flesh. By the way, it's Itsuko now," was her (his?) reply.

Suddenly, Kyon wasn't feeling quite so good. He felt nauseous, like he had just stepped off of a roller coaster. He assumed it had something to do with ogling the new 'assets' of his esper friend.

"What the hell happened to you!?!" Kyon bellowed, standing upright in the booth. This attracted the majority of the remaining WcDonalds patrons. He quickly lowered his voice and sat back down.

"It's a long story. Neither Nagato or Asahina has seen me like this. I wanted to meet you in private first, in order to gauge a reaction. I can see you're quite surprised," she (he?) said in a voice that sounded like they were discussing the weather.

"I can't believe this! It's just so.... surreal! Why would Haruhi do such a thing to you?" said Kyon as he began to dial a number on his cell phone. "I'm calling Nagato. Maybe she can find out what's wrong and find a way to change you bac-"

Suddenly, a feminine hand grasped the cell phone in Kyon's hand before he could complete the call. Kyon looked up to see Itsuko giving him a shy smile. Kyon could now see that along with the change in gender, 'Itsuki' had also gotten a manicure.

"There won't be any need for you to call Nagato, Kyon. You see there's something I haven't told you yet."

"Oh? Well what's that?"

"Haruhi Suzumiya had nothing to do with this."

Complete silence.

"Excuse me!?! What do you mean she had NOTHING to do with it!" exclaimed Kyon, who looked like he was about to go into cardiac arrest.

"Precisely. This was none of her doing. I chose to alter my own gender, at my own volition," explained Itsuko.

"But... why?" said Kyon, who still couldn't wrap his head around the fact that Itsuki Koizumi of all people would undergo a sex change operation. He was finding it difficult to keep his eyes off of Itsuko's body...

"Because Kyon...... Ever since I was a child I always felt different from the other children. I would always go play with the girls instead of the boys. While the guys were playing sports, I was learning how to sew. And in school, I always felt an odd attraction towards you whenever we were together. It was confusing. I always wondered why I felt this way, until I discovered I was really a woman trapped in man's body. The Agency was grateful enough to pay for the operation, since it would help my performance in the field. Now tell me, Kyon. What do you think of the new and improved me?"

Kyon's brain was still on the verge of trying to digest all of that information, but nevertheless, he decided he would still try to answer. He had to admit, Itsuko did look pretty sexy....

"Well I have to say...... you do look very beautiful. Hot even..." he slowly said.

"Why thank you so much, Kyon! That's just the kind of thing every girl wants to hear!" gushed Itsuko, who's statement slightly disturbed Kyon. The two stood up and began to leave WcDonalds.

"Well I suppose I'd better go home now," said Kyon, who was still wondering what Haruhi was going to think of 'Itsuki's' new decision. There was still one problem though.

"Uhhh, Koizumi?" started Kyon.

"Hmmm? What is it, Kyon?" said Itsuko.

"You still haven't let go of my hand," answered Kyon, who's hand was still being held onto by Itsuko's.

Instead of letting go, Itsuko leaned in quite close to Kyon with an almost flirty smile on her face.

"Why, Kyon. You say that as if that were a bad thing!" she giggled.

Kyon groaned. His days had now gone from bad to worse.


A Stunning Revelation:

The SOS Brigade were seated around their cozy clubroom doing the usual.

Haruhi was looking on the internet for any cases of paranormal weirdness, Mikuru was brewing a delicious pot of tea, Yuki was engrossed in her novel, and Itsuki and Kyon were playing a game of Othello.

Yup, just a normal day for our attractive and loveable protagonists!

Until Kyon put down the Othello piece he was holding and stood up from his chair.

"What are you doing, Kyon?" said Haruhi, who had taken the time to look away from an intriguing article on giant alligators.

"I JUST REALIZED SOMETHING!" Kyon proclaimed at the top of his lungs, now drawing the attention of everyone in the room.

"Oh?" remarked a bemused Haruhi. "And just what would that be?"

"I AM THE ONLY CHARACTER IN THIS SHOW WHO LOOKS REMOTELY JAPANESE! THANK YOU!"

And with that statement, Kyon gave a deep bow and proceeded to run out of the clubroom, with his hands flailing wildly over his head.

After an uncomfortable amount of silence and a few dumbfounded expressions later, Itsuki turned to Yuki and calmly stated, "You know you do have a bit of a German thing going on, you know?"


A/N: If any of you guys have any ideas for a crack fic, I'd be glad to feature it in this. Just PM me or leave it in a review. Thanks.

Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it!