Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.

A/N: Here's the update you all have been craving. This was made with the help of my good friend, BKE. He and I wrote this on AIM for fun together, but then I beefed it up a bit and added the ending.

Sorry if you guys had to wait. I've been perfecting my hand at other stuff, finishing some non-Haruhi works I had saved up, and watching Kino's Journey (WHICH IS AWESOME). And I'm happy to announce that this fic now has 100 favorites to it and 60 or so alerts to it. Thank you all.

As a result, I now demand a tribute of 100 reviews per chapter following this one. If you cannot surrender one to me, then I simply ask for the next best thing: the soul of a first-born child, so that I may replenish my vitality. And if you cannot give me that, then I demand baked goods. How you get them to me is your choice.

Enough stupid jokes, go nuts here.


Cheeseploitation:

Kyon stuck his head into the SOS Brigade clubroom. Surprisingly, he was the only one there. Marveling his good speed record, he sat down at Haruhi's chair and booted up his favorite thing:

The Mikuru folder.

"Hmmhmmhmmmm...." he hummed to himself, anxious to see that star-shaped mole on that expanse of creamy white cleavage. One more click and-

Kyon blinked. "The hell?"

The folder.

It was gone.

Kyon's face paled.

"....What? .....Where is it? WHERE IS IT?!"

He started to panic. This was not good. Now he was really worried.

Who discovered it... Was it... Oh, god... HARUHI?!?

He became really uncomfortable. Kyon started to look around the room, and he even though he knew Haruhi was not here, he was still anxious and frustrated.

He looked at each of their faces in his mind. Who found it? Kyon sat up, pacing around the room. He had to think carefully.

Now, now, if anyone asks, you just tell them that you just meant to delete the files and accidently saved them into a file hidden under and extensive password....

He clutched his head in his hands. "OH, MAN I AM SO SCREWED!!!"

Deciding to just flee the scene, Kyon was about to grab his schoolbag, when he saw a scrap of paper in his usual chair. Curious, he picked it up, and unfolded it.

-I have discovered your shameful secret. Don't worry, my opinion of you hasn't been changed. We all have our needs and demons, right? Come to the back of the school when the day is done. I think we can work something out. Signed, a Friend-

Kyon swallowed hard. The entire note was typed out. But he had no choice. He was stark pale. He was ready to go mad. He was caught in a vise. Kyon walked out of the clubroom quietly. Then, when he was certain of his ability to escape, he ran. As his breath increased with his running, his mind started to race.

OHGODOHGODOHGODOHGOD!!! WHO FOUND OUT???

In a random fit of rage, he started screaming, leaving behind a flustered Taniguchi and puzzled Okabe. Kyon ended up in a section of the campus that was remote, behind the gymnasium. He knew this was most likely what was meant to be the back.

He sat himself down and tried to meditate, failing miserably.

"I'llbefine, I'llbefine, I'llbefine, I'llbefine, I'LLBEFINE, I'LLBEFINE..." Kyon said to himself as he rocked back and forth on the ground, hugging his knees to his chest.

"Wow. You came sooner than I expected..." said a very familiar voice. Kyon screamed as he realized the person who had sent him the letter was already waiting for him. He turned slowly to his right, the dread slowly killing him.

He spotted a disk (most likely containing the data of his prized folder in it) resting in a hand, an arm connected to the hand, the arm to a shoulder, the shoulder to a neck, and the neck led up to the grinning face of....

Kyon gasped in shock. He hadn't expected her.

"Tsuruya?!"

There she was, the perpetrator of this whole debacle.

"That's right, Kyon, I am the one who took it, nyoro." She stood there, smirking with her fang sticking out of her mouth, glinting.

"I just so happened to hears from a birdie out there that you had been keeping a suspicious stash on the SOS club PC of megas provocative images of a certain moe girl. Now, I know that Itsuki would not do it, and the girls aren't like that, and that meant only one of you could have done this: You, you dirty silly boy."

Well, she got his tongue there.

Kyon could barely manage the courage to work through his speechlessness to say something. "You thief, you shouldn't be doing this. I'll have you know I am not that kind of person-"

"Bullshit," she said with absolutely no emotion. Tsuruya then produced a hideous laugh that frightened Kyon to his very soul.

"I'm smarter than that, Kyon. I had to use the machine anyway and found those images. You know I am a fan of Mikuru, and to see that, I just HAD to look, and I had to see her in those sexy, sexy pics. I asked Haruhi about them. She said she was not aware of any photos of Mikuru. That meant that only you could be the one who did this."

WAITWAITWAITWHAT!?! HARUHI KNOWS?!!

Kyon once again attempted to regain a dose of his composure. "Um, I am certain that you have nothing to gain from this. I also think you didn't tell Haruhi or Asahina about this. Now what do you have to say about that?"

Tsuruya said something that shocked and surprised him. "Well, Kyon, I'll give ya the pictures back... IF.... ya goes on a megas sweet date with me!"

Time froze.

...Only to restart when Kyon belted out an ear shattering shout of, "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!"

"You heard me. Go out with me. Mikuru, Haruhi, Yuki, and Itsuki aren't the only ones who like ya. If ya want these highly incriminating pictures back, I expect you to take me out on a date! Well? What's your answer, nyoro?" Tsuruya asked, waving the disk under Kyon's nose like a carrot with a magician's rabbit.

"But.... But, Tsuruya! What about Haruhi?! Didn't you ask her about the photos? And you know how she gets when she sees me with other girls! Think about how'll she'll act when she hears about us on a date!" Kyon hastily said in hopes of changing his sempai's mind.

Tsuruya seemed to consider this, but grinned hungrily and pressed herself up against him, taking his tie into her free hand. "I only asked her about her having any other Mikuru pics. Not yours. And thinks about how Haruhi will feels when she hears about this, nyoro!"

Kyon couldn't believe it. Under all that green-hair and forehead lurked the brain of a mad scientist.

He stood up straight to give himself some dignity, "AHEM... Well, Tsuruya, I am just going to have to refuse."

She stood there, with a blank expression on her face. "Oh, okay..... All right, then, I haves to make a call."

Kyon sighed in relief. Her phone began dialing. Then it was answered by a very obnoxious voice, "Hello!? This is the Brigade leader."

Kyon almost shrieked.

"HEY, HARUHI, I WANTED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING!!!"

"Oh? What is it?"

She then covered the phone and hissed, "It's now or nothing ,Kyon."

He was being blackmailed, there was nothing he could do.

And so Kyon hung his head and gave in. "Okay, you win, you get what you want."

"OK, good, now to throw Haruhi off."

Tsuruya returned the phone to her mouth and said, "I just want you to know that..." She smiled a devil-smile, and screamed, "!!!"

"What the fuc-" she was hung up on.

Tsuruya turned her deviant eyes to Kyon, who was floored.

"That..... was random," he finally said. Kyon looked on as Tsuruya then stuck the disk down the front of her shirt. She smiled sweetly and gave her bosom an affectionate pat.

Great. Now he couldn't get the friggin' thing without looking like he was trying to rape her.

"Well, well... Looks like I has Kyon all to myself now! Better start out with a bang!" She grabbed him by the shoulders and sent him her sexiest gaze, which only served to scare the absolute hell out of him. "Pucker up, Kyon! Hope ya like the taste of cheese~!"

Kyon could only watch in horror as Tsuruya shut her eyes and moved her mouth towards his own.

Oh, man... I just hope Haruhi isn't watching... Kyon mentally pleaded.

"Stop right there, Tsuruya. I cannot allow you to commit such an act against Kyon," said a voice as clear as ice.

Tsuruya halted in mid-kiss and turned around. Both she and her catch gasped. Standing there, hands on her hips, and a determined gleam in her eye was none other than Yuki Naga-

Wait.

Mikuru Asahina?!

What the hell!!!???

"Wait a sec, wait a sec... this is very out of character of you. Just why are you trying to do, Mikuru?" said Tsuruya with an annoyed expression. This was getting in the way of her victory.

Mikuru started fidgeting and fumbling, searching for a piece of paper. "Uh, uh... here it is!" She had even written an entire speech for this event. Wow, that means she knew of this beforehand. Of course, a time-traveler would.

"Uh, uh, ...Tsuruya, in the name of all that is right and good in this world, I command you to back your lips away from that boy right this second, you, uh, hear me?"

She really lacked authority with this. Mikuru waited for a response and was greeted with a, "Fuck that, bitch."

Tsuruya then proceeded, to Kyon's horror, to bring her lips to his own, and shoved her tongue deep into his mouth. The rancid flavor of Gouda and Monterey Jack overwhelmed the boy, who started to enter a sickened daze. He almost slumped to the ground if Tsuruya hadn't been holding him by his tie. She assumed he was smitten by her feminine charms.

Mikuru, in her state of panic, proceeded to tell her off, very poorly, "Um, no, you dirty whore... I, uh, I think you should get away from Kyon right this second, you filthy little tramp."

Tsuruya was not pleased at Mikuru's attitude and snarled, "Okay, then, how about I punish you for being disrespectful of me? I warn you, I am trained in Karate, Jiujutsu, Muay Thai and Kung Fu, as everyone in my family is... HERE COMES TSURYA!!!"

As Tsuruya started running toward her, Mikuru fumbled to find something in her pocket before she was pummeled. She found what she wanted, an object with a certain glassy glint...

"LOOK, TSURUYA! A SHINY! GET THE SHINY!" Mikuru exclaimed, holding up a sparkling keychain shaped like a kitten's head. Tsuruya halted in her attack and marveled at the sight.

So.... shiny.

"OH! SHINY! OH! OH! GIMME THE SHINY, MIKURU!!!" Tsuruya pleaded.

Mikuru arched her back and pretended to fling the object away into the bushes on the far side of the campus. Tsuruya sprinted away on her hands and feet like a stray dog after a milk-bone. Mikuru then summoned all her busty power to drag away the dazed Kyon before Tsuruya could discover her trick.

***

Two Minutes Later...

***

When Kyon awoke, he saw that his head as placed on the lap of his beloved Mikuru angel. She smiled a smile that could cure cancer. The curves made it a nice view, too. Both were seated on a lonely bench in the park.

"Why did you save me, Asahina? I thought you would despise me after what I had done with the photos..." Kyon said with deep shame.

"Well..... I was mad at first. But as I thought it over for a bit, I thought it was kinda.......... sweet. In a cute stalker-way, of course," Mikuru beamed at him. Kyon turned red and became redder as Mikuru suddenly kissed him on the lips. She tasted a HELL of a lot better than Tsuruya, that's for sure. Like Starbursts and Fruit Roll-Ups mixed together. As they made out, a shrill voice sliced through the air. The duo looked up and gasped.

It was Haruhi being dragged by a fuming Tsuruya!

The green-haired senior seethed, breathing heavily, "HAHA... HAHA... HAA... look who I got..."

She sat down on the bench and brought Haruhi into her lap, as she was dazed and confused, so she was unsure of the situation. "Wha... wha.... what's up?"

"Ha ha ha... well, Mikuru, if you're going to do something as humiliating as pretend to throw the shiny away, then I'm going to have to do this..." Tsuruya grinned crazily.

She started to molest the dazed Haruhi, who was powerless to stop Tsuruya, as those cheesy hands groped various areas of her body. "Hey.......... stop... that.... it doesn't feel right...."

"Well, Mikuru? Whatcha gonna do? Are you going to save Haruhi here? Huh?" Tsuruya taunted.

Mikuru and Kyon were wary, they did not know what to do about this (although secretly, Mikuru was getting a kick outta Haruhi being fondled). Then Tsuruya did what they did not want to happen...

"Hey, Haruhi, do you remember those photos of Mikuru that you took and Kyon said he erased? Guess what?" Tsuruya asked with a gleam in her yellow eyes.

The dazed Haruhi fired back quietly by saying, "...What?"

"They were still on the computer! He hid em' from you, nyoro!"

Haruhi, slowly turned her weary head to Kyon. "You didn't erase them? Shame on you...shame on..." She then fell fast asleep.

Tsuruya squawked, "Aww, man, she's out. It's no fun molesting an unconscious person. I shouldn't have put that many pills in her liquor."

Mikuru and Kyon looked at each other and realized what had to be done. The two leapt at Tsuruya and knocked her down. The upperclassman howled like a wolf as she went down and turned on them. She punched Mikuru in the head and kicked Kyon in the groin. Reeling back, but not out, Mikuru drop-kicked Tsuruya (a technique Haruhi insisted she learn), while Kyon pulled her hair.

"Ouchies! No fair!" Tsuruya whined, running around in circles to bite Kyon.

"Let her go, Kyon! I think I can get the disk!" cried Mikuru.

"Are you insane, Asahina?! There's teeth on the other end of this!!" Kyon yelped as Tsuruya's fang came mere inches from clamping down on his shoulder.

"IM DOING IT, IM GOING IN!" Mikuru reached out her hand to enter Tsuruya's cleavage, but was bitten sharply by the fang and retracted her hand. Kyon flew behind and reached his arms around her waist.

"HOOAHH!" he hollered.

Tsuruya almost came close to biting down on Mikuru's hand. Just as Tsuruya could get a fang on her skin, Kyon did a maneuver to stop her: he rammed his skull as hard as he could against Tsuruya's own. Both became dizzy and lopsided, and Mikuru sensed her chance. She reached into her friend's bust and pulled out the disc with a "AHA!"

As Mikuru pulled back from them, Kyon pushed hard to force himself on top of Tsuruya. She fell to the ground, with Kyon's body pinning her down.

"We got you, bitch!" the cynic sneered evilly.

Tsuruya started crying to herself, "No fair, you always get to be with him! I want to be with Kyon!"

"But why didn't you just tell him how you felt?" asked Mikuru. "Plus, in contradiction to your statement, have you even seen all the fan fiction here? You're more likeable than me!"

Both parties had to agree to that.

"But if I just told him how I felt, he'd tell me no! And then Haruhi would just keep him all to herself.... And Yuki and Itsuki, too!" Tsuruya wept into the dirt as Kyon got off her.

Kyon scratched the back of his head. "I'm sorry about that, Tsuruya. But I don't hate you. Truth be told, I really do like you. You're a great person to have in the SOS Brigade. But now that I know EVERYONE here likes me, what am I supposed to do? It's not like I can date both you and Asahina in secret...."

Kyon froze as he noticed the sly grins on Mikuru and Tsuruya's faces. Before anyone could do anything, Haruhi made a noise and began to get up. She started to rub her eyes as she noticed Mikuru and Tsuruya encircling Kyon, who was only surprised and somewhat wary.

"Uh, girls? Kyon? What is this?" the young goddess asked with distrust. The three noticed that Haruhi was up and froze.

Tsuruya spoke up, "Hey, Haruhi! How...... Uh... you feelin'?"

"I'm feeling better now. It seems that rum got to me. Wait...... I remember something... YOU STILL HAVE THOSE PHOTOS, KYON? HOW DARE YOU! YOU OUGHT TO BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF! I WILL HAVE TO GIVE YOU A GIGANTIC PENALTY! IT'S NOT ENOUGH THAT YOU PAY FOR THE DRINKS... YOU WILL GO OUT WITH ME, AND NO ONE ELSE, AND THAT IS FINAL!"

Unfortunately in her rant, Haruhi did not notice the crushing fist of Yuki Nagato until it landed on her skull. She was knocked out clean and cold.

Yuki was a scary sight to behold, as she had come out of nowhere with her nonexistent expression. "I am displeased with the fact you both decided to agree on an alliance to share Kyon. I myself want some representation in this. Cut me in for a share."

The silence that followed was extremely awkward.

"Sure, Miss Nagato. We'll let you share Kyon with us," Mikuru said with a little too much sweetness.

"Excellent. When can I have my turn?" the book-loving alien asked.

"How about..... NEVER, NYORO!" Tsuruya reached into her pocket and threw a handful of dust, cookie crumbs, pencil shavings, and cheese particles at Yuki's eyes. Yuki let out an uncharacteristic scream and stumbled back, her vision impaired. And with much more strength than their bodies showed, Tsuruya and Mikuru picked up a stunned Kyon and began to dash away with him.

"Wretched humans..." growled Yuki, about to give chase. She began to run when Haruhi's left hand shot up and tripped her by the ankle. Yuki watched as Haruhi leapt off of the ground roared like a tiger, and sped off after the trio. Yuki blinked and joined in.

At this point, reader, you may be asking yourself, "Where on Earth is Itsuki in all of this?". Well, folks, I believe that question can be answered in a rather mature and tidy fashion.

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

He died.

Yeah. That's all we got. We're not even gonna tell you how it happened. Because that's how much of a cock-tease the author is.

Anyways, looking back around, the senior with emerald hair realized that their pursuers were catching up, and if some quick thinking didn't happen soon, both of them were going to get caught, have Kyon taken away from them, and get molested and killed. Luckily enough, Tsuruya saw a way out ahead.

"THIS WAY, MIKURU!!" Tsuruya shouted as she held Kyon's legs. "I gotta plan!"

"Oh, dear..." said an unsure Mikuru as she balanced Kyon's flailing torso atop her head.

The trio dashed up a hill and into a grove of trees. Yuki and Haruhi followed suit. They ran on for a few more seconds before noticing that their quarry had vanished.

"DAMN! We lost them! When I catch them, I'm gonna rape them so bad....." Haruhi said darkly.

"Let's see if they are around. And perhaps, the two of us can come to a compromise," Yuki suggested. She and her fellow Kyon-enthusiast began to walk on ahead through the thicker parts of the foliage surrounding the park.

"Yeah. Sure....." Haruhi muttered, planning to double-cross Yuki as soon as she could.

"Superb," answered Yuki, already thinking the exact same thing.

As soon as they disappeared, Tsuruya, Mikuru, and Kyon jumped down from the tree they were hiding in.

"That was amazing, Tsuruya. How did you manage to swing all three us up there by yourself?" Kyon wondered.

Tsuruya beamed brightly. "I just so happen to be a skilled gymnast as well, nyoro! I'm very flexible," she said with a wiggle of her eyebrows.

Mikuru rolled her eyes. Tsuruya was such a flirt. At least that answered the question of how she came to create the biggest chain of massage parlors across the world in her time. Still sore over the cheesy smooch with Kyon, Mikuru grabbed him by the arm to lead him away. That's when a shadow loomed over Mikuru. Something moved like a striking snake, but the mascot caught it flawlessly with one hand. Turning around, the trio gasped at Mikuru's assailant.

It was Mikuru- from the future!

"Quicker than I thought...." the hot woman smirked.

"Big Asahina? What are you doing here?!" Kyon gasped in a startled voice, while small Mikuru glared.

"I've come back in time to get a piece of that sweet Kyon booty. I've missed him so..... Nothing will stop me. EVEN IF I HAVE TO BEND TIME ITSELF!!!" the obviously mad time-traveler proclaimed.

"Screw you, future-me! I've been waiting for over a thousand fanfics and doujins to actually do it with Kyon! I will not be perturbed, you.... you.... bitch!" Mikuru stammered. It was pretty damn odd insulting yourself.

"Okay...." Tsuruya looked extremely puzzled.

"Kyon, wouldn't you rather have a woman than a girl~?" Big-Mikuru asked with a wink. Kyon turned scarlet.

"Uhhhh, how come ya just can't let lil' you just have fun with Kyon? It's technically like you'd be doing him, too," Tsuruya pointed out.

"Well..... I'm just selfish~!" Big-Mikuru smiled, reminding Kyon of how much of a bitch she was sometimes. Wait a minute. Something REALLY didn't make any sense here.

"Wait.... How can you two be in the same place together without damaging the time-line? You've never even talked to one another before! That doesn't make any fucking sense!!"

Both Mikurus stared at one another for a while. The they turned to Kyon with equal smiles.

"IT'S TIME-TRAVEL, KYON. IT DOESN'T HAVE TO MAKE ANY SENSE!!!" they shouted in unison.

Kyon and Tsuruya both groaned- it was at times like these that they wished that their series had a bit more Dr. Who logic. Suddenly, Yuki and Haruhi appeared, looking red as beets.

"I thought I smelled moe over here..." Yuki growled, eyes gleaming.

"WHAT THE HELL, KYON?! NOW YOU'RE CHEATING ON ME WITH SOME MIKURU IMPOSTER!? I'M GOING TO KILL ALL OF YOU, THEN TAKE YOU BACK TO MY HOUSE SO WE CAN PROCLAIM OUR LOVE TO THE WORLD!!!" Haruhi roared, charging forward with Yuki. But before Kyon could react, the two Mikurus and Tsuruya ran up to meet them.

"Ooooooh, how I've awaited my chance to do this..." Big-Mikuru hissed, pulling out a futuristic gun outta nowhere. Wait... Didn't she just break another time-travel rule? This plot is full of more holes than a slice of Swiss cheese!

Normal Mikuru took out some katanas (Ummm..... Yeah, the author don't even know anymore) and Tsuruya smiled darkly as her hair came to life as a group of tentacles (a move she picked up from Kuyou Suou). After an epic catfight involving data-manipulation, reality-warping, time-distortion, cups of boiling tea, and tentacle-rape, Tsuruya and Mikuru triumphed. The defeated and knocked-out forms of Haruhi, Yuki, and Big-Mikuru lay a few feet away on the ground, moaning in pain. The duo had prevailed.

Yeah.

You just got screwed out of a hot fight scene. The author is truly a tool.

"We.... did it...." said Mikuru putting away her twin blades. "And don't worry, Kyon. You won't be needing your special folder of me anymore~."

"Yup...." agreed Tsuruya, pulling in her tentacles, "And now.... our reward, nyoro...."

They closed in on Kyon ,grinning.

"I should warn you...... I'm..... gay," Kyon said pitifully with his straightest face as he backed up against a brick wall.

"Uh-huh...." Tsuruya drooled, her hair slithering forward towards Kyon's ankles and wrists.

"That sounds lovely...." Mikuru drawled, reaching for Kyon's pants.

The two girls then proceeded to do very non-gay things to Kyon for several hours.

And meanwhile, Sakanaka and Nakagawa were both lying in an empty alleyway, mouths agape in shock, and covered in blood and gunshot wounds.

But that's a different story for another time.

....Which is never, because unlike Emiri and Kunikida, the author doesn't give a shit about either of them.


A/N: Oh, Kyon. You're such a man-whore. Not intentionally, but..... Yeah. You guys get it, right?

I better start updating faster. The next chapter will feature....

STUFF.

And contrary to what I just said, there needs to be a Nakagawa or Sakanaka chapter or fic one of these days.

...Maybe.

Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow-ribboned, headband-wearing goddess demands it!