Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.
A/N: For this chapter, I have to make an important announcement. From this point on, I will have a new character included in my sketches. This character is included in the second short here and has appeared in the tenth and eleventh light novels. I will try to avoid giving away too many spoilers for those who haven't read the books already, but this character will have their backstory and importance fully elaborated on in later chapters, so be prepared. I read both translated Haruhi novels online at the site called WordPress, so you should be able to do the same if you go and Google them together. If you don't really feel like reading them and don't care about the experience, you can simply use the Haruhi Wiki to read the summaries for both books. I recommend that as a last resort in case you guys simply don't have the time to read them or stuff.
I will also be introducing another new character soon, but this one is from one of the Haruhi video games and is technically non-canon. More on that character later when I start using the person.
Now onto the stories. The first is a gift for my pal, TheBananaSlug, which contains some good batty fun. The second is for Sasaki in a Top Hat, who is incredibly nice and has the best username ever. The third was inspired by and is dedicated to my long-time friend and muse, ObsidianWarrior, and the last story was created because I realized that I haven't written nearly enough things just featuring Yuki and Ryoko by themselves. I also thank The4thEmperor for helping me out with the gags for it.
And before I forget... Happy Tanabata!
Why So Serious, Kyon?:
On a warm July night, Haruhi and Kyon sat in the seats of the local baseball stadium. Due to the heat, only a handful of people had actually shown up, so Haruhi and Kyon had been able to sit as close to the action as they wanted to. Why were they there? Because Haruhi had wanted to celebrate today's Tanabata by watching the brand-new teams square off that night. They were a foreign team that may or may not have come there due to Haruhi's influence, but the fact that they were both American may have helped out. Because Haruhi has a huge fetish for all things American.
"Ahhhhhh, this is going to be a great game!" Haruhi cheered, waving her own aluminum bat around. She was dressed in a baseball Jersey and a yellow cap, while Kyon himself was just wearing some casual jeans a T-shirt he'd slapped on before leaving his house. Itsuki and the others had practically begged him to go on this 'date' with Haruhi, despite him repeatedly telling him it wasn't a date. It didn't help that Tsuruya had been more than happy enough to pay for the so-called date, much to Kyon's chagrin. His glum expression clashed with Haruhi's energetic mood.
As long as she doesn't expect me to do anything big for her and just enjoys the game, I'll be fine, he thought to himself. "Who are the teams playing anyway?" Kyon asked, attempting to make some conversation about the game.
Haruhi stopped applauding and gave Kyon a stern gaze. "You come to this game with me and don't even know who's playing? How could you be so dense, Kyon! But for your information, tonight is a very special game. A showdown between the Oakland Athletics and the Philadelphia Phillies~! Doesn't that sound great?"
"...I've never heard of either of them."
"That's because you don't enjoy the fine art of baseball like I do!"
"...The art of a sport?"
"Shut up and get me a hot dog."
Groaning, Kyon got up and began to look for any nearby food-vendors. If he knew how Haruhi's mind worked, one would magically have them. Sure enough, he found a guy peddling them a few feet away. After getting one for himself, Kyon made his way back to the grumpy girl. It was as he was walking that he noticed a lone figure suddenly walking on the field.
"Game starting already," Kyon asked, handing Haruhi her food.
"Maybe. It's not even eight yet. And what's with that uniform?" Haruhi pointed out. The person on the field was male in figure and wearing your typical baseball uniform, but with green and purple highlights. He was also keeping his head down as he approached a microphone in the center of the field. Picking it up, the man cleared his throat and began to speak into it.
"Hello, ladies and germs! Before we can enjoy the sight of men waving their large sticks and smacking their balls around, I thought I'd take the time to provide a little entertainment for you all," the man chuckled. He then picked up the microphone and began to sing.
"Who is this kook?" Kyon complained to himself.
"I don't know, but he seems pretty smooth~..." Haruhi stared at the man with total lust, totally hypnotized by him. It must be the pants...
The people occupying the stadium quieted themselves as the man before them began to sing.
"Oh, say, can you see... by the dawn's early light? What so proudly we hailed... at the Joker's last boner!" the man proudly sang, ripping off his cap to reveal his green-tinted hair, pale skin, and rowdy grin. The onlookers gasped in fear and confusion as several armed men suddenly began to rush towards their seats from all the entrances. Some of them had guns and a few just carried steel-pips and crow-bars. A woman sitting to the far left of Kyon and Haruhi had her purse snatched away.
In case any of you are wondering, I'm not even going to go into detail on how the Joker is able to translate his already insane song into perfect Japanese. It doesn't make much sense. Then again, neither does he or the Haruhi universe.
"Dead hookers in my trunk... is a glorious sight~... I just parked in a spot, reserved for handicaps..." the Joker crooned into the mike. "And the dog's red rocket, some boobs pressed on my face... Gave proof through the night, that we blew up Japan~..."
"Christ, what an asshole," Kyon remarked, still horrified by the transpiring events. That particular line seemed to break Haruhi out of her stupor, as her look of love was replaced by hate.
"Hey, that's just low, man!" she roared.
"Oh, say does my RPG, you're all gonna diiiiiieeee!" the Joker sang, suddenly pulling out said weapon from the back of his pants. "O'er the land of the faaaaaat! And the home of rich piiiiiigs! ...Play ball!" The maniacal clown aimed his weapon at a section of the already fleeing crowd and fired.
Though no one was hit, the resulting explosion sent several people flying, as well as a few thugs. Absolute chaos began to cascade upon the stadium. Kyon looked around and saw what appeared to be a few security-guards on the field, some knocked out and the others tied up with looked like huge Slinkies.
"Oh, my god!" Haruhi ironically said, pointing. "I know that guy's face from anywhere! He's the most insane madman from that one city in America! It's... the Jokester!"
"Really?" Kyon piped up in disbelief. "Didn't they call him the Jester?"
"Nope, I'm 100 percent sure that it's the Jokester!"
Oh, how the Batman fans groaned in annoyance. Joker must have sensed this, too, because he looked right in the direction of the two teens.
"Hey! Can't a deranged psychopath commit a crime without someone getting his name wrong?" he snapped at them.
" Not in my city! I'm Haruhi Suzumiya, and I'm going to place you and your thugs under citizen's arrest! Your tricks don't scare me, Bleach-face!" Haruhi started swinging her bat around crazily. Kyon stared at his friend in silence, knowing she'd doomed them both. If they somehow survived the night, he was going to strangle her in the future.
"Oho? Is that right? I'll TRICK you..." The clown prince of crime pulled out another rocket, from one of his socks no less, and loaded it into his RPG. "Bombs away, kiddies!"
"Bring iiiit!" Haruhi called back. Kyon pulled her back and started to carry her off in his arms. "Hey! Kyon, what are you doing?"
"SURVIVING!" he screamed back. The spot where they were standing at before went up in flames. Bemoaning his bad aim, Joker started to reload again. Kyon kept on running with Haruhi until a pair of machine-gun-wielding thugs leaped out in front of him, one in a ski-mask and the other in a fedora.
"WE'RE DOOMED!" Kyon yelped, about to empty his bladder. Even Haruhi was scared out of her mind now.
But just as the gangsters could make their move, a metallic object flew through the air and smacked the fedora-wearing man in the chin. He fell right on his back and smacked his head on the steps. The other thug looked around in fright, before a large shadow descended from above. The ruffian got a powerful kick delivered to his face and went down cold. The shadow straightened itself around, revealing itself to be...
"Holy plot-twists, Kyon!" yelled Haruhi. "It's the Batman!"
"The Goddamn Batman, miss," Batman corrected, his very presence giving off waves of bad-ass. The other thugs screamed when they saw him, some of them dropping even their weapons.
"Well, well, well! If it isn't the Bat-boob himself! Followed me all the way out here, did you?" Joker sneered.
"Joker, why terrorize these people? This isn't anything like your usual style," Batman growled, stepping in front of Kyon and Haruhi.
The villainous clown just shrugged. "Eh. I like to spice up my routine ever now and then. Otherwise, our little dalliances would have no surprises! Speaking of surprises... EAT THIS!" He raised his gun, aimed it right at the trio on the steps before him and fired... causing a large patch of the field behind him to explode. "...Oh, silly me~! I had the stupid thing backwards! Get 'em, boys!"
Joker's men stopped terrorizing the scattered people and all converged on Batman. Kyon and Haruhi dove for cover as one man took out a revolver. Batman tossed down a smoke-bomb and disappeared in large cloud of white smoke.
"Hey, he's gone!"
"Well, find him and shoot him!"
"Sure, sure, I'll- AUGH!"
One guy went down. Kyon took a quick peek and saw guys going on left and right. One man was yanked into the smoke by the arm and a very painful crack was heard, causing Kyon to wince. Haruhi was also looking; she looked just like a little girl who had gotten a puppy. Within a minute, all of the thugs were down and handcuffed.
"I'd say I overdid it, but you can never be too sure," Batman quipped tossing aside an unconscious lackey. "You're really slipping up on the help, Joker. Racing you in that surfing competition was a lot harder than this," the bat said with a smirk.
Joker growled like an animal before facepalming. "Ohhh, don't remind me of THAT! I've taken so many things to forget that era, Bats!" Then he grinned in a twisted way. "But as always, the last laugh will be mine! I had a spare in my other sock!" And as quick as he said those words, Joker fired his last rocket where the trio was.
Batman and Kyon swore as the missile of death soared close. The psycho was going to kill off his own men and the few people who were still hiding under their seats!
"Batman!" Haruhi exclaimed, tossing the man her aluminum bat. The caped crusader easily caught it, and his hands seemed to act on their own. To the astonishment of everyone watching, Batman batted the projectile out of the air and sent it flying... right at the Joker.
"You did it, Bats!" Haruhi yelled, fist-pumping. "The power of the Brigade Chief was enough to win the day~!"
"How the hell did I do that?" Batman muttered to himself, looking down at the bat in his hands.
Kyon came up and pat him on the back. "It's best not to ask these things when my friend is involved, ummmm... sir. She's very special."
"That's not very nice, making fun of your girlfriend's mental condition."
"NOW JUST A MINUTE, BATTY-"
A pained groan suddenly came from the smoking crater on the field. Batman, Haruhi, and Kyon headed over to it, the hero pulling up a charred Joker. He grinned through broken and burnt teeth.
"I guess the joke was on ME," he coughed.
"It always is, Joker. The police will be here in a few seconds, ready to help me cart you and your boys on a one-way trip back to Blackgate and Arkham. Gotham misses you," Batman said, barely concealing the smug smile on his face.
"Oh, stuff it, guano-boy!"
Batman started to hand-cuff Joker, but turned to give Haruhi a quick nod. "Thanks, miss."
"Anytime, sir!" Haruhi replied. Then she got a gleam in her eyes. "Hey, I've always wanted to meet aliens, time-travelers, and espers, but this is the first time I've met an actual superhero! Wanna hang out with me and my friends sometime?"
"Maybe some other time."
"Ohhh, don't make me follow you back to where you live!"
"Haruhi, why would you want to bug and chase after the guy who just saved our necks?" Kyon curiously asked.
Haruhi looked up at the sky with somber expression, hands on her hips. "Because he's the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we'll hunt him, because he can take it. Because he's not our hero. He's a silent guardian. A watchful protector. ...A dark knight."
"...Haruhi, you have got to be the biggest fucking idiot I've ever had the misfortune of befriending." Haruhi smashed her bat into the boy's right leg. "OWWWWWWW!"
"What I'd like to know," Joker said as Batman began to lead him away to the proper authorities, "is why I even came to Japan in the first place. Did I just want to scare the pants off of some random people? Was there even anything here I wanted to steal? I coulda done that all back at Gotham!"
Batman actually stopped in his tracks and considered this. "You bring up a good point, Joker. Come to think of it, how did I even know you in Japan in the first place? And in this particular city? This is all much too convenient, even for the Batman."
"How very strange..." Haruhi and Kyon both said in unison, stroking their chins.
"Hmmmmmm..." they all said.
Meanwhile, a small yellow slug slithered off into the shadows nearby, chuckling softly before disappearing from sight altogether...
DUN DUN DUN!
The Long, Long Wait:
In a vast white hallway, a small door opened. A young girl stepped out of it, clad in a North High uniform. Her uniform's fuku was a tad baggy for her size, judging by the way her sleeves bunched up, but she did not care. She radiated pure youthful energy from her very being and had the cutest smile you could ever imagine. Her hair was a very light brown and resembled a bird's nest, but she did not mind. A small yellow hairpin made to look like a smiley face. She took one look at the run-down apartment she used to call home and slammed the door.
She then darted down the hallway, her heart beating with nervousness and unending joy and her golden eyes glittering with anticipation. "Look out, world! Here comes Yasumi Watahashi~!"
This is her story.
A Few Hours Later...
"...This is BULLCRAP!" Yasumi shouted. After following the instructions she had been given beforehand, she found herself in a little white room with chairs lining the walls, not unlike the waiting room at a doctor's office. Yasumi absentmindedly kicked her feet against the linoleum floor, muttering to herself. "Man... and I was so ready to go do something big with my life..."
Yasumi gave the room another once-over. Besides the chairs, it also contained a large wooden desk with a mosey secretary sitting behind it, hair all tied up in a little bun. Standing against the wall near her was a tuxedo-clad bald man in dark glasses with arms as big as his chest. He looked like he could bench-press a few elephants. Other than them, it was completely empty in the room. Yasumi went back to kicking her heels against the floor some more.
"...Hey, could you please stop making that noise?" a bored voice asked from across the room.
"Yeah, well, why don't you mind your own beeswa- eep!" Yasumi stopped abruptly upon seeing the source of the voice- a black-haired girl around her age in a school uniform that resembled the dress of a Victorian era Englishwoman or a mannequin at Hot Topic.
"You've been nothing but irritating since you arrived here," the girl with cascading locks replied bluntly. "Just quit it."
"I don't believe I've ever been spoken to like that before in my life. ...But then again, I've never really talked to anyone else before in my life," Yasumi dumbly replied. "So where are we?"
The girl looked up. "We are in a waiting room," she responded in a soft voice.
"Tell me something I don't know," Yasumi said, walking over to the mystery girl and plopping herself down in a chair next to hers. "Sorry I was bugging you. What's your name, miss?"
The girl stopped looking so bored and actually smiled in a heart-warming manner. "My name is Kuyou Suou. Sorry if I was mean to you."
"Oh, it's okay! I'm Yasumi Watahashi. I've been waiting here because I've been told that the latest Haruhi Suzumiya novel has just been written up! Mr. Tanigawa has promised me a great part in it. I'm really eager to do something great!" Yasumi explained happily.
Kuyou clapped her hands. "Oh, that sounds great! I'm supposed to appear in the newest book, too! I think it's called... Dissociation. Yeah. This is supposed to be where I'm formally introduced in the flesh or something. I hope I get a really cool role and personality in the story."
Yasumi and Kuyou talked to each other a little bit more and shared several of their interests with each other. They both liked the color pink, they enjoyed scary movies, they loved chocolate-chip cookies, and they also enjoyed coming up with plots for their own amateur hardcore yaoi doujins. They chatted for such a long time that they almost didn't hear a loud alarm pierce the air.
"What was that?" Yasumi questioned.
"It's the signal for the trans-dimensional warp," answered the secretary, scaring Yasumi and Kuyou with her sudden speech. "It's time for you to enter the story and get acquainted with the rest of the cast. You'll be assigned a personality and role after you're informed of the plot. Better get moving."
"I guess it's time for us to go now. I wonder if we'll ever meet in the story?" Kuyou pondered. Yasumi pat her new friend on the shoulder.
"I'm sure we will, Kuyou! And even if we don't, we can always talk when we're not in the central plot. I wish you a lot of luck!" the scruffy-haired girl spoke. She gave Kuyou a hug. After a small pause, the latter returned it.
"Okay... thanks. I'll meet you on the other side! C'mon, Yasumi!" Kuyou shouted, before entering a portal across the room that appeared from nowhere because fuck logic.
"Right behind you!" Yasumi cheerfully called out after her. She ran towards the swirling light in front of her and-
"Hey. Yasumi Watahashi?" a booming voice called out. A large hand clamped down on her shoulder. Yasumi was yanked back and glanced behind her. It was that guard she'd seen earlier in the room.
"Huh? What do you need? Is something wrong?"
"Are you Miss Watahashi?"
"Yeah. Why's that?"
"I had to make sure. You can't go through. We got a memo."
"WHAT? What's the big idea here? I got a series to be a part of!"
"Sorry," the secretary said in a disinterested tone. "But we've received a note from the higher-ups and Mr. Tanigawa that you will not be appearing in this current light novel. While he has thought of your appearance and such, he has yet to find a place for you. So we're going to have to do this..."
The woman pushed a big red button that had suddenly appeared on her desk. The portal disappeared and a trap-door in the floor opened up. Dark swirls of purple energy snaked around the dark abyss inside.
"Where does that lead to?" Yasumi gulped and managed to squirm out of the guard's mammoth hand.
The secretary went on in her monotonous voice. "Why that's the Idea Box. Well, the way to it anyway. Any time a manga artist, director, novelist, or anyone creates a fictional character, their blueprints will stay inside it if the creator doesn't know exactly what to use them for. They are free to go once the creator decides on the perfect task for them. You won't be in there for long," the secretary explained matter-of-factly. "Toss her in, Sprinkles."
Yasumi broke out into laughter. "Sprinkles? What kind of goofy name is that! Ha ha ha ha~!"
"The kind of name to distract you for when he throws you into the Idea Box."
"Ha ha ha ha- huh? Hey, put me down, King Kong! AAAAAHHHHHHHH!" Yasumi screamed, falling to the depths of the dark tunnel. The door shut right after her. As she fell, she realized that there were no walls around for her to bump her limbs upon, and eventually, she stopped screaming altogether. In fact, she started to get a little bored.
"I better not be down here for too long. I want to meet Kyon and Haruhi so bad! I wonder what they're like- Oof!" Yasumi landed on her rump on a hard surface and looked around. She was in a very dark large room with stone walls and flooring, torches, and the occasional pile of chains hanging from the walls. A small sofa that was as dark as the room was to her left. Uneasily, Yasumi went over to it and plopped down.
"Fantastic. I'm about to leave for my first day on the job and they don't even need me. This sucks! it really sucks! And now I'm in a creepy room all by myself. How could this get any worse!" Yasumi yelled to herself.
Oh, you're not alone at all.
Yasumi nearly peed in her skirt at the sudden voice. It sounded like a young child had just said something. She looked around but saw no one. Even stranger was that the voice sounded like it had spoken directly to her mind.
"Is someone there? Hello? Kuyou...?" Yasumi peered into the shadows ahead of her. A pair of red eyes very near to the floor suddenly opened up.
As I said before, you're not alone! I'm here after all, said the mystery voice. The eyes got closer until the torchlight revealed what it was. It appeared to be a white cat with a very bushy tail. What made it differ from a normal cat was the fact that a second pair of rabbit-like ears with pink tips extended from the insides of its normal ears. Each long ear a had gold ring floating in the air around it and three extremities that looked like fingers. The cat's face was set in a cute little smile and a red circle was on its back.
"Who are you? You don't look like a regular cat!" Yasumi uttered in amazement.
My name is Kyubey. I am no ordinary cat. I'm something much greater. But that's a story for another time. What's your name? the cat asked, not even moving his lips.
"It's... Yasumi. Yasumi Watahashi," Yasumi nervously said. "I got sent in here because my creator didn't know what to do with me. What about you? Did they send you here for the same thing?"
No one sent me here, Yasumi. I have always been in this place. Waiting. Kyubey continued to smile as he hopped up on the couch. He snuggled up to Yasumi, who began to stroke his incredibly soft fur.
"I see... Who created you? And why can I hear you talk in my head?"
Oh, that. It's telepathy. It's just how I'm able to speak. As for your first question... Hmmmm... I'm uncertain of who exactly. I suppose if I were to venture a guess, I must have created myself. Maybe I've just always existed. But I haven't been trapped in here. I can come and go as I please.
"Really? Where to?"
I've been here and there, out and around, round and about, hither and fither, to and fro, back and forth, up and down, in and out, over and under, hippity hoppity, round the corner, over the river and through the woods, lickity split-
"Forget I asked," Yasumi broke in, rolling her eyes. "So how long do I have to wait for?"
Probably for a few years... Kyubey casually stretched his back.
Yasumi threw herself off the couch, panic evident in her eyes. "A few YEARS? I can't wait that long! I have a book to debut in!"
That's very unfortunate. ...Well, not for me at least. I'm just here to wait until I can make the greatest impact in something that the world has yet to see, Kyubey returned. He flopped on his side and began to scratch himself on the couch.
Yasumi was breathing heavily at this point and shaking. "J-Just how l-long do you think I'll be in here for?"
What year was it topside before you came down here?
"Ummmmm... 2007. Why?"
Ah. It depends on your creator, I suppose. I just hope you last longer than the two before you.
"Huh? Who're you talking about, you creepy ball of fuzz?"
Kyubey lifted his left ear as if it were a hand and pointed at a corner of the room. Yasumi strained her eyes and was rewarded with the sight of a pair of skeletons chained to the wall. Both of them, a male and a female, were dressed in tattered Japanese school uniforms and had a pitcher of water put just out of their reach.
Perhaps they were thirstier than I realized. Oh, well. Had the girl contracted with me, she and her friend could have lived but no crying over split milk. Kyubey raised a paw and began to gingerly lick it. Then he turned to look at a horrified and pale Yasumi. Yasumi, I haven't asked yet, but how would you like to make a contract with me and become a magic-
"OH, GOD, OH, GOD, OH, GOD, I'M GONNA DIIIIIIIIIIIE!" she shrieked, running around the room in circles. Kyubey watched this go on with some interest, as Yasumi went from bawling her eyes out to screaming foul curses about everything she saw in the room.
Yasumi, I think you should also know that-
"FUCKING SOFA! FUCKING WALLS! FUCKING TORCHES! FUCKING CEILING! FUCKING SKELETONS! FUCKING KYUBEY! FUCKING PITCHER! AAAAAAAAAAA-"
-time is different down here than it is up there so-
"OH, KUYOU, HOW I MISS YOU, SOOOOOOOOOOO~..."
For every three minutes that have passed down here, an entire year has passed aboveground, Kyubey interrupted loudly, shaking his head. Yasumi stopped rolling back and forth on the ground and gasped.
"They HAVE? What the... I gotta leave! I'm missing out on crazy adventures down here! Is there a way I can leave on my own, Kyubey? You need to tell me!" the brunette begged.
Hmmmmm... Kyubey hummed to himself. Then he looked up and his smile seemed to get even larger as an idea began to form in his brain. ...Actually, I do know of a way to get out. Previous guests have always been chained up for being rowdy or have left early, so you'll be the first one to know. However, in exchange for this information, I need you to promise me something.
"What do I have to do?" Yasumi asked cautiously. The cat was her only lead out of the Idea Box, but something seemed awfully sinister about him. His eyes twinkled like rubies in the shadows cast by the torches.
Nothing much. A trifle really. I simply want you to repay me back later in your life after you go free. I sense great power within you and I know you'll be able to assist me in anything I need help with. Yes, you are to play a grand role in something soon. Just say yes and I'll help you!
"Uhhh... Ohhh... I... Okay! Yes! I'll pay you back anyway I can some day! ...Just nothing really naughty."
Kyubey made some kind of disgusted sound. Nothing like THAT. To leave this place, go to the third torch on the left of the wall behind you and press down and to the right. That shall open a passage of pure light. Where it takes you depends on the strength of your heart... Something like that. Good luck in your career, Yasumi Watahashi! Now if you'll excuse me...
In the shadows, Kyubey grinned with satisfaction and hopped off the couch. He walked off into the darkness of the cell and with a final twirl of his tail, he was gone. A good idea for a show had come to his mind and he needed to see some people about it. Yasumi, too overjoyed to have noticed anything suspicious, darted off to the torch. She turned it in the way the cat had instructed her and the stone wall in front of her slid away to reveal a hidden passage.
Rushing into the tunnel of pure light, Yasumi knew just what she had to do.
A certain author sat in his office, staring at a blank computer -screen in front of him. He'd been stuck on his next story for a while and had no idea what to do. The fans were getting restless and time was running out. He sighed and wondered if there was anything he'd forgotten to introduce in the last book. Not remembering if there was, he thought about maybe suggesting to the studio to do more of those funny Haruhi-chan episodes for a while until he regained his muse. Yeah. The fanbase would eat that up. it could work.
...That was the initial plan before a girl dressed in a sailor uniform smashed through the wall to his right, panting like a savage beast. The confused writer could only gawk at his visitor. She reminded him of someone oddly familiar that he hadn't thought about in years. The girl with the smiley face hairpin took one look at the calendar on his desk and screamed like a baboon that had been electrocuted. With a snarl of pure fury, she leapt across the desk and grabbed the poor author.
"YOU BETTER GIVE ME A DAMN ROLE RIGHT NOW, TANIGAWA!" Yasumi snarled, foaming flying from her lips as she gripped the poor author by his collar. "OR ELSE I'M GOING TO KILL EVERYONE IN THIS BUILDING AND THEN COME BACK HERE AND FORCE YOU TO EAT YOUR OWN TEETH WHILE I PLAY THE XYLOPHONE WITH YOUR SPINE! ...So pretty please~?"
And that is how Yasumi Watahashi got to appear in both halves of The Astonishment of Haruhi Suzumiya in the year of 2011.
One Mean Pussy:
In the class of Haruhi and Kyon, Okabe was going over the lesson for the day. Knowing that his students would cease being first-years after a while, he decided to ask them a few questions.
"Students, you will all become second-years in a short while. I hope that all the things that I have taught you will serve you well in the future. Many of you will heavily succeed later in life," Okabe declared, smiling. His smiled lessened as he gave Taniguchi a quick glance. "...Some of you may not be as fortunate."
Taniguchi let out a small sigh and made a mental note to dent Okabe's car with a handful of rocks later.
"But I know that all of you will do very well once you leave North High and venture out into the world. We still have a few moments until class ends for the day, so until then, why don't we go around the room and talk about what each of you wants to do in the future? It's okay if you haven't settled on anything specific yet. Who would like to go first?" Okabe questioned.
Almost simultaneously, half of the kids shrank into their chairs in order to make themselves appear smaller. No way these future convicts, strippers, drug-addicts, and fry-cooks were going to embarrass themselves in front of their peers. Kyon actually pretended that he was asleep.
"Now don't be shy. No one will judge you. ...Looks like I'll have to choose someone then," Okabe said. Someone then raised their hand much to his delight. "Oh, good, we have a volunteer! Thank you, Miss Suzumiya!"
Kyon's head shot up and he spun around in a cold sweat. A very confident Haruhi was just putting her hand down at her desk. Taniguchi and Kunikida looked on in morbid fascination, Sakanaka looked very eager, and everyone else looked like they had just seen Slender Man show up. What crazy thing was going to come out of Haruhi Suzumiya's mouth this time?
"Miss Suzumiya, why don't you start us off and talk about your big dream?"
The infamous student of the school crossed her arms in a haughty way. "Well, I plan to go to Tibet," Haruhi replied with a completely serious face. The rest of the class, including Kyon, blinked in surprise.
Okabe was very intrigued and said, "Oh?"
"Yes. I plan on staying there for ten years with the local monks, eating nothing but vegetable soup, meditating, and learning all that I can," Haruhi continued. Meanwhile, the rest of the class was amazed that Haruhi hadn't brought up anything about chasing sea-serpents or yetis in her future plans.
"And?" Okabe asked once more.
"And I will conquer an ancient art form. One that has intrigued me for years," Haruhi ominously said, staring out the open window as an eerie breeze blew in. "One so intricate, delicate, and amazing, it's been my dream to learn since I was four."
Okabe leaned forward expectantly. "You mean the creation of those sand mandalas? I do agree, they are quite-"
Haruhi suddenly stood up and slammed both of her fists down on her desks. "No!" Everyone flinched in shock.
Okabe was so stunned by the sudden outburst that he almost jumped six feet into the air. "No?"
Haruhi gave her teacher a hard stare and yelled, "I'm talking about the art of pelvic-thrusting! If you do it JUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUST right, a live jaguar leaps from your crotch and mauls your enemies to death! The ancient technique of clawed death from your loins! ...That's just stupid, what you said!" Haruhi sat back down with crossed arms, shooting a glare at her teacher.
"...Why did I even ask?" Okabe moaned to himself, running his hands through his hair. He dejectedly sat down in his chair, opened up a drawer in his desk, and then began to empty an entire jar of industrial-strength headache pills.
Nobody made a peep until class ended for the day.
Later in the Clubroom...
"...BAM! ...BAM! ...BAM!" Haruhi shouted with gusto, propelling her hips forward with each BAM of hers. As she did this near the window, Itsuki, Mikuru, and Yuki watched her in disturbed silence.
"...So you want a jaguar to leap out from your skirt, Miss Suzumiya?" Itsuki choked out. He was still smiling, but it was taking all his energy not to drop his jaw on the floor.
Haruhi stopped her thrusting and looked at Itsuki as if he were a complete moron. "Well, duh, Koizumi! Why do you think I've spent an hour doing this? I'll keep doing it until I get the results I desire! If it comes to it, I'll save up the money and fly my ass on over to Tibet next month! Those monks may be my only chance to get this trick to work... Anyway, my loyal minions, despite your questioning and strange stares, I'm very pleased that the three of you are still here. Unlike a certain dipshit, who shall remain nameless..."
True to Haruhi's words, only the alien, time-traveler, and esper remained in the room with her. Kyon had actually entered the room with Haruhi sometime ago. However, he had been so disgusted and annoyed that he had actually gone home early. Naturally, Haruhi claimed that he had been the source of her failures and was glad he had left.
"You've wanted to do this since you were a child, correct?" Yuki asked, trying to make sense out the situation.
"Yes! I made the wish when I was just four and I've waited for it to come true ever since! But everyone keeps telling me that I'm crazy and wrong! One Tanabata, I had to settle for simply wishing for ruling the world from the shadows! Well, come the time a whirlwind of teeth and claws comes flying out of my panties, they are the ones who will be proven wrong~! AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" Haruhi cackled maniacally. The giggling tsundere then went back to facing the window and thrusting her crotch at the air. "...BAM! ...BAM! ...BAM! ...BAM! ...BAM! ...BAM! ...BAM! ...BAM! ...BAM! C'mon, get out of there, you stupid cat! ...BAM!"
Itsuki, Yuki, and Mikuru wisely decided to leave early. They headed out of the building in a hurry and waited at the gates of the school until they could see Haruhi leave. They played a few rounds of Go Fish until Mikuru finally checked the time on her cell-phone.
"Look, everyone, she's been at it for at least three hours now. Someone should tell her she's not going to make a jaguar fly out and do her bidding," Mikuru said to her friends. "...Wow, there's a sentence I never thought I'd put together in my entire life."
"Now, now we can't crush the girl's dream, Asahina," Itsuki offered, shrugging. "We'll let good old Father Time do that for us and then- HOLY SHIT, IS THAT A FUCKING JAGUAR?"
Yuki was about to dismiss Itsuki's wild allegation as a product of too much stress, but an earsplitting roar put an end to that idea. She and Mikuru looked in the direction of the noise and almost fell over.
Lo and behold, Haruhi was riding on a large jaguar that had jumped from the window. The young reality-warper had one hand gripping the scruff of the beast's neck and the other raised in a fist of triumph as she and her mount galloped past them and into the sunset.
"I KNEW IT! NEXT STOP, KYON'S HOUSE~!"
"OUCH! MR. GROUCHY, THAT IS NOT A TOY! OW!"
The Old Guest:
Yuki had just left the local library in her neighborhood, a stack of three large books tucked under her left arm. Her right arm dragged a small red wagon carrying a large pile of graphic, sci-fi, and mystery novels, along with a few manga. While she did not feel it, a small smile was on her face. After all the insanity with Haruhi, Sasaki, that mysterious first-year student, and the Sky Canopy Dominion had come to a close, she was grateful that she was now back on her feet again. Tsuruya's flower-viewing festival still had some time to come, and Yuki would use this time to have some self-deserved free-time for herself.
"Good afternoon, Yuki!"
...Well, shit, it's her again.
Yuki stopped walking and looked over her right shoulder. her smile was replaced with a frown as Ryoko sauntered up to her, waving. Deep inside, Yuki wished that she could have bumped into Haruhi or even Kuyou of all people. At least the two of them never talked for too long to her.
"Yuki, aren't you going to say hello to your old friend?" Ryoko asked, now standing right alongside Yuki. The purple-haired alien took a look at the few people meandering around them. She decided it was best to keep moving, lest Ryoko suddenly get bored and decide to dissect some unlucky soul.
"Hello, Asakura," Yuki replied back, pronouncing her back-up's name with a tinge of annoyance. "What do you want? And why are you calling me Yuki?"
"What? Can't a couple of old friends refer to each other by their first names?" Ryoko said, slinging her arm around Yuki's shoulder.
"We're not friends, Asakura. We're co-workers, and enemies," Yuki said, shaking off her embrace. "Friends would be people I enjoy being around."
"Geez, Yuki, don't you remember all the good times we've had in the past?"
"...Nope, not in the slightest."
"C'mon, Yuki, don't you remember? How about that time we adopted those kittens?"
"I certainly remember that," Yuki answered, wincing slightly. "They mewled at every single hour of the night, they shed constantly, and they hated us. In fact, I believe they all turned out to be rabid."
"They weren't rabid or mean! What all about all of the precious little love-nips that they gave to me? Their love brought us closer together!" Ryoko argued back.
"Those love-nips of yours gave you a severe rash and several other infections. At least you had the common sense to heal yourself afterward. And our relationship got worse. You became angry with me for a week after I took those kittens to the veterinarian and the animal-shelter."
"BECAUSE YOU STOLE MY WONDERFUL BABIES FROM ME! Giving them to some lowly humans who probably didn't even know how to tie their own shoes! I had a right to be miffed at you!"
Yuki started to walk off again with her wagon full of books. Forgetting her anger, Ryoko went after her, lightly jogging at Yuki's side. Yuki continued at a faster pace.
"Now, Yuki, let's just agree to disagree. We were bothwrong and right. Now how about we both go home and keep talking about the good old days, eh?" Ryoko chirped, smiling.
Yuki stopped dead in her tracks. "...What do you mean by home?"
"Why your place, of course, silly," Ryoko said. "I can't go back to my old home because that would get everyone suspicious, and Canada's so far from here."
"Asakura, you never actually went to Canada. You were in a state of non-existence," Yuki replied, trying to shuffle around Ryoko.
"Exactly. Canada," Ryoko said, blocking Yuki's every move. "Now just let me crash at your place, pleeeeaaaase?"
"...Fine," Yuki said glumly. Ryoko clapped her hands in glee and squealed.
"Oh, goody, goody, goody! Thank you, Yuki!" Ryoko then grabbed Yuki in a bear-hug and picked her off the ground. "I can't wait to see how much your home has changed! I bet you've filled it with all sorts of fun items that you've collected during your time with Haruhi Suzumiya."
"Errr, yes..." Yuki muttered, some of her ribs cracking. "Can you please stop now? It is becoming difficult for me to breathe..."
Ryoko sat Yuki back down and after the latter caught her breath, the two walked off. But because Yuki's place was still a good walk away, she would have to endure at least ten more minutes of Ryoko's badgering. Probably more once they actually got to the apartment.
"Yuki, I think you've changed," Ryoko suddenly said.
"How?" Yuki's interest slightly piqued.
"It's your face and voice. You were always so... bland at first. But now you look and sound livelier."
"Really? I suppose I haven't noticed. Maybe I've developed from prolonged contact with humans," Yuki mused as Ryoko frowned.
"Kyon's the reason for this, isn't he? I knew that he had something to do with this! Trying to take away my friend, eh?" Ryoko grumbled, pulling out a knife. "Well, I've got a little surprise for him, yes I do, because Mr. Stabby reallywants to see Kyon again..."
"Asakura, you do realize that I can hear all of your insane ramblings?" Yuki spoke.
"Oops, sorry, Yuki! I'll try not to do that so much..." Ryoko purred in a sudden mood-swing.
The always taciturn alien rolled her eyes, much to Ryoko's amazement. "This is one of the reasons I consider you to be my enemy, despite us being on the same side. You will not leave him alone, no matter the situation. Don't think I didn't hear about your encounter with him from Emiri Kimidori."
"That little snitch..." Ryoko murmured, before putting on her best pleading look. "But, Yuki, you don't understand! I savedKyon! If I hadn't stepped in, that vile Kuyou Suou would have ripped him in half! I was only playing around with him there, ha ha..."
"She informed me that you said that Kyon was your prey and that only youcould touch him," Yuki stated, an icy aura surrounding her. To Ryoko, Yuki seemed to grow larger and gain demonic, fiery eyes. Swallowing her fear, the blunette offered up her best counter-argument.
"...Well, Emiri Kimidori is a lying whore."
"...An insult. Charming. Let's move on now," Yuki said, not even bothering to facepalm, as that would be too much effort.
"Okey-dokey!" Ryoko said, in yet another mood swing.
"Since it technically is my business, what are you doing in this area by yourself? Shouldn't you be on standby with Kimidori? Or are you shirking your duties?"
"You and your questions~! It's completely all right! ...I was just taking a well-deserved break that has lasted for an unspecified amount of time."
The two continued on their walk. It wasn't long before they reached the outside of Yuki's building. Using her powerful abilities, Ryoko was able to walk past the few people that occupied the lobby completely undetected. Anyone that got in her way, she passed through completely, like a phantom. A few minutes later, Yuki opened the door to her own and trudged inside with her old partner and books. The blue-haired alien immediately darted to where Yuki's kitchen was.
"Whew! I'm glad to be back here again!" Ryoko exclaimed, heading over to the fridge. "Come on, baby, I need some radish. ...Hey, Yuki? Remember that time that we played the pocky game with that barbeque bacon cheeseburger?"
"Yes, I do remember playing that game, Asakura. I don't know what encouraged you to use a food-item that had absolutely no relation to the name of the game itself," Yuki responded dryly.
"Yes, but I only got in two bites before you swallowed it whole and tried to engulf my head like a snake! Still don't know why that aroused me..."
Ignoring her, Yuki wheeled her books over to her small table and began to set them down on it. The only new piece of furniture that she owned besides the table and bed was a black bookshelf. Ryoko quickly noticed it upon returning from the kitchen, some tupperware in hand.
"Seriously, Yuki? Only THAT in the time I've been gone? I'm surprised you have all the appliances needed for a kitchen! Looks like I'll have to take care of things once again..." Ryoko set down her tupperware on the table and started to roll up her sleeves with a determined look. This was enough to give alarm Yuki.
"Asakura, what are you about to do?"
"Why I'm just going to give your drab little apartment some of my patented Ryoko flair~!"
Suddenly, neon blue wallpaper covered the walls, a giant heart-shaped double-bed appeared in the middle of the room, an oversized plasma screen T.V. in front of it, and a horrific couch that looked like it belonged in Satan's Museum of Modern Art.
"...This is worse than the time you reinvented yourself as Lady Gaga," Yuki stated holding back a look of disgust.
"Hey, that was who humans idolized at the time I studied their behavioral patterns. How was I supposed to know that making a skirt completely out of knives while wearing dark sunglasses and a traffic-cone bra would get me arrested?" Ryoko said, shrugging. She walked around and admired her handiwork for a few minutes, then came back and plopped herself down on a floor-pillow next to Yuki.
"Now that the decorating is over, time to eat. I'm famished!" Ryoko popped open the tupperware container while Yuki looked on in silent rage. It was enough that Ryoko had raided her fridge, but now she was filling it with her own tacky stuff?
"Listen to me, Asakura. First of all, you can't be famished because it's impossible for us to experience feelings like hunger or fatigue. And while I have invited you into my home as my guest, that does not give you the right to- Wait. What are... you eating out of there?" Yuki's breath caught in her throat.
"Why some yummy curry of course. It's a bit cold, but I think it will do."
"..." Yuki just watched, a look of melancholy in her eyes as Ryoko ate the curry in two bites. "...I was saving that curry..." Yuki said looking down, as Ryoko belched.
"Oops, sorry!" Ryoko said with a smile. "I think I know what will cheer you up!"
Ryoko suddenly rotated around until she was facing Yuki, took off her socks and shoes, then stretched her legs until her bare feet were placed directly on Yuki's lap. As expected, the purple-haired interface was very puzzled.
"...You want me to give you a foot-massage?" Yuki inquired, titling her head.
"No, Yuki!" Ryoko shouted, lightly kicking Yuki in the stomach. "I want you to play that game we always used to play! Remember? I always played it with you when you were in one of your quiet moods. You know? Ten Little Piggies~! C'mon and count my cute little toes, Yuki!"
Yuki's eyes went as wide as flying saucers. "Are you some kind of moron, Asakura? I'm not going to degrade myself in such an activity. Now kindly remove your smelly feet from my person."
"My feet smell wonderful. NOW START THE COUNTING OF THE PIGGIES!" Ryoko then raised her left foot until it reached Yuki's head and then jammed it right into her face. The manga-loving alien's head went back at an angle and she nearly fell right off her pillow.
"Yay, you called me by my first name~! What is it, Yuki? Are you ready to take my foot to count my piggies?"
"In a way..." Yuki then abruptly stood up, grabbed Ryoko by her ankle, spun around ten times, then flung her into her bedroom. The resulting crash brought a disturbing smile to her face. "Ahhhh, that was relaxing."
"Yukiiiii..." Ryoko whined, crawling across the floor. "Why are you so mean to me?"
"Because you try to kill the only human who's ever brought me a semblance of happiness, you act like a giant social butterfly in public when you secretly loathe organic beings, you've eaten my food without asking, you've ruined my apartment with your bad taste, you act like a child when you don't get your way, you plot behind everyone's backs, and you coddle me as if I were an infant."
"...Well! Someone has obviously been craving attention!"
Ryoko, not looking the least bit injured, jumped up from the floor and quickly enveloped Yuki in another hug. This one was supposed to be motherly and supportive, but due to their height-difference, Ryoko just succeeded in smushing Yuki's face between her breasts.
"I blame myself for leaving you alone for so long..." Ryoko whispered, pretending she was looking Yuki in her eyes instead of just having her chin propped across a head of lavender hair.
"Would you please remove your areolas from my face?" Yuki said in a muffled voice.
"Oh, Yuki, do remember that time that we slathered Emiri in vanilla ice-cream, chocolate-sauce, whipped-cream, and sprinkles while she was asleep?" Ryoko asked. "I still can't believe she sleeps naked."
"I can't breathe," Yuki replied.
"And then we tried to eat it off of her, but then she woke up and tried to delete us from existence? Boy, was her face red!"
"You're suffocating me."
"And then the Data Overmind stepped in and gave us a free pass because half of it thought it was kinky! Ha ha!"
"RYOKO, REMOVE ME FROM YOUR CLEAVAGE OR I WILL BE FORCED TO RIP OFF YOUR MAMMARY-GLANDS FROM YOUR CHEST!" Yuki yelled in an out-of-character fit of rage.
"I think someone sounds a bit jealous about her own lack of growth~..." Ryoko cooed. She was rewarded with Yuki suddenly grabbing of handful of each of her boobs. Stunned, her hold on Yuki loosened, allowing her to headbutt the knife-lover in the chin. Ryoko tottered back and then fell on her ass, rubbing her chin in a daze.
"Thank you," Yuki said, fixing up her clothes.
"Oh, Yuki, you've gotten so bold~..." Ryoko moaned from the floor, trying her best to sound seductive, but instead sounding like a someone just hit by a bus. Yuki ignored her and went into her bedroom with a book. To her misfortune, Ryoko followed her.
"Are you going to take an afternoon nap? Good, because I think you and I both need one to collect our thoughts. Shall we retire to the living room?"
"That's your own bed. You can create a room for yourself elsewhere." Yuki sat herself down on a small white futon that she occasionally used for sleeping, whenever she had nothing else to do. As she laid down her head upon a green pillow, she noticed the concerned look Ryoko was giving her. "...Yes?"
"Oh, I just assumed that you and I would sleep together like we always used to do on the floor with our blankets. That futon of yours looks like it's only big enough for one person," the blunette observed.
"Because it is," Yuki answered, opening up her book. Ryoko blinked then looked from side to side, and began to push both her left and right index fingers together in a repeated motion.
"Then... where am I supposed to sleep?"
"Your own damn bed," Yuki said. "Or on the floor."
Suddenly, Ryoko began to sniffle, and was soon bawling her eyes out, tears flowing.
"What's wrong?" Yuki asked, doing her best to try and tune out Ryoko's sniffling.
"It's you, Yuki! You've turned into a completely different person! The old Yuki and I would always do each other's hair, take our baths together, eat ice-cream for breakfast, and talk about how much better we were than these boring old humans! But now you hate me and want nothing to do with me, Yuki! WHAT HAS KYON DONE TO YOU?" She started to flat-out sob and collapsed her face upon Yuki's lap. The bookworm put her book aside and began to awkwardly pat her roommate on the head.
"Kyon and the rest of the SOS Brigade are very respectful of my privacy and wishes, and always do their best to take care of me. They know when to give me my space," Yuki explained.
"But have ANY of them ever played Pokémon with you like I have? The heart of the cards and all that jazz!" Ryoko wept, face still buried in Yuki's crotch.
"That's Yu-Gi-Oh," Yuki calmly spoke. "I don't think we ever did play Pokémon in the past..."
Ryoko looked up. "Yes, we did always play it. In this very room. On blankets. Naked. And with our boobies and naughty bits."
Yuki's face gave away to a scowl. "I still can't believe I let you talk me into going along with that for all those months."
"Yuki, please, I promise that I'll respect your privacy as long as you spend a little time with me!" Ryoko said, clinging to Yuki.
Yuki continued to glare at Ryoko, then sighed. "Fine. I'll occasionally fulfill your ridiculous requests in exchange for some privacy, just stop acting so perverted... Ryoko."
"Of course, Yuki! I'll always follow your orders!" squealed Ryoko, getting to her feet. She then got onto Yuki's futon and squashed herself to the left of her friend. It wasn't big enough to have two people lying in it, so Ryoko was sort of half-lying on Yuki while the latter was nearly touching the floor.
"What are you doing now, Asakura?" Yuki grumbled, holding her book at an odd angle now.
"I just want to spend some time reading with the only other being in the universe I like," Ryoko said sweetly.
"I see..." Yuki replied in a low voice. "I'm still going to change the color of the wallpaper you put up."
"I'll put in purple carpeting if you don't."
"...Fine. Don't get too comfortable living here, Ryoko. I might change even more. I might change my hair color or become a vegan. I might get a dog. I might even request that our superiors allow me to age like a normal human-being."
"Oh, Yuki~... I don't think I'll mind. I'll just have to change along with you. I'll always be fond of you no matter how much you change or how old you grow."
From her spot, Yuki blushed. Ryoko was more than a little messed-up, no amount of therapy could ever hope to fix her, and she'd still probably try to tear out Kyon's organs, but she was still one of the few people Yuki would ever consider as a true friend. She hated to admit it, but it was so very true.
From her spot, Ryoko's brow furrowed and she suddenly tapped Yuki on the shoulder and said, "...On second thought, don't get any older or anything, Yuki. I'm not really into that kind of stuff. I like you as flat as you are!"
Yuki groaned deeply in response and smacked the yangire in the face with her book. There were just some things that couldn't be dropped.
A/N: Despite the fact that Tanabata passed in Japan already, I'm glad that I could get this chapter done for all my friends. Many thanks to all the people who supported me in coming up with jokes and ideas for this chapter.
For those who are wondering, Kyubey is from a fantastic show that came out a while back called Puella Magi Madoka Magica. This will definitely not going to be the last time that you all see him. I definitely recommend watching it sometime to get one of my future chapters, but for the love of Haruhi, watch out when Googling the episodes, as some spoilers are sure to leak out. Crunchyroll and Hulu are two places that stream it if you are interested.
The following chapter shall be a parody of the giant monster film genre. Tune in next time- same Haruhi-time, same Haruhi-channel!
Review, Haruhi-worshippers! Your goddess with the yellow headband and ribbons demands it!