This story is inspired by Crys' 1001 Deaths of Lord Voldemort on FanficAuthors (Dot) Net
For many of us, we hate one character in canon more than any other. No, not Lord Voldemort. I am, of course, talking about Ron Weasley.
Ron is lazy, stupid, annoying, and, in my opinion, mentally retarded.
Now, many in the fanfiction community hate Ginny much more than Ron; however, I find that to be more based upon their experiences with fanfiction than Ginny's actual roll in canon. Let's all be honest, outside of CoS and a cameo in OoTP, Ginny has very few lines and almost no involvement in the plot while Ron plays the role of a giant douchebag throughout the books.
This story, which I hope people will enjoy, is my way of killing off the dumbass in as many colorful ways as possible.
In case you can't tell, expect major Ron!Bashing.
101 Ways to Kill Ron Weasley
The Seven Deadly Sins part 2 (Gluttony)...
With a stupid grin on his face, Ron went about his normal 'Welcome Back to Hogwarts' breakfast. On his magically expanded plate were 12 sausages, 7 eggs, 11 strips of bacon, 2 muffins, a side of porridge, and a massive smoked kipper. He never noticed that everyone at the Gryffindor table, including his only two friends, Harry Potter and Hermione Granger, were looking at him with open disgust.
"Ron that's disgusting," Hermione snapped peevishly.
Ignoring the scowling witch, Ron continued to eat his breakfast. He had learned a long time ago how to tune out an annoying woman. He had dealt with his mother for years before coming to Hogwarts after all. Besides it's not like anything Hermione said was important. It was typically one of the same four things she repeated over and over again, "Do your homework," "Don't eat so much," "Quidditch isn't everything," or "I love you so much Ron! Kiss me again!"
Okay, maybe that last one hadn't happened yet, but he could dream.
As Ron thought about dating Hermione, a bit of half-chewed food made its way down the side of his mouth along with some drool. So absorbed by his thoughts, he never heard the conversations starting around him.
"Look at him, he's disgusting!"
"I know, you'd think he's never seen food before."
"He is Harry Potter's best friend? I guess the Prophet got it right about Potter being mad."
One particularly confused first year even asked, "Is it normal for Wizards to eat that much?"
Hoping to shock some decent manners into his friend before Hermione cursed him, Harry said, "Hey Ron did you hear that the Cannons have officially decided to give up and disband their team? They said that after half a century of loosing it's just too futile to keep on playing."
Ron jerked his head up and looked at his best friend in horror. He opened his mouth to say something, but he was only halfway done swallowing his latest helping of food. Ron's body and mind fought each other for dominance. His body demanding that he swallow his food, lest he choke to death, and his mind screaming at him to force out a few words to describe the horror of the Cannons disbanding their team.
After nearly a minute into the struggle, Ron turned purple and fell face forward into his large plate of food.
"I really hoped he would stop diving into his food this year," Harry sighed.
Hermione glared at the redhead who was face deep in his own breakfast. "Oh, let's just leave him, Harry, we're going to be late to class."
"Alright, let's go," Harry agreed. "If telling Ron that the Cannons had given up wouldn't work, nothing will distract him from his breakfast."
Harry and Hermione stood up, gave an apologetic look to the rest of the Gryffindors at the table, and quickly went to class. It would be three hours before anyone would realize that Ron wasn't stuffing his face, and had died.
The Buffalo Incident...
Flitwick looked excitedly around the room. "Now, don't forget that nice wrist movement we've been practicing! Swish and flick! And saying the magic words properly is very important, too - never forget Wizard Baruffio, who said 's' instead of 'f' and found himself on the floor with a buffalo on his chest."
Ron laughed stupidly and turned to his new best mate, Harry Potter, who looked nervous. "I bet that's a load load of codswallop, Harry. There is no way anything like that could happen."
A certain bushy-haired know it all turned to glare at him. "Professor Flitwick wouldn't have warned us if it wasn't important," she hissed.
"Please, he's just kidding around," Ron scoffed. "Here I'll prove it. Sinite Incantatem!"
"Mr. Weasley, no!" Flitwick screamed as a massive two-ton buffalo appeared out of nowhere, crushing the first year.
As Harry looked on in horror, Hermione sniffed imperiously. "Idiot."
"Leave the Horcrux," Harry said.
Ron wrenched the chain from over his head and was about to cast the locket into a nearby chair when a thought struck him. "All you care about are these bloody Horcruxes, Potter! Not me. Not Mione. Not anything. Well fuck you. I'm taking your precious Horcrux with me!"
Harry and Hermione looked on in horror as Ron ran out of the tent, the Horcrux cradled in one of his hands.
Turning to Hermione, Harry frantically said, "He's mad! We have to stop him!"
Hermione raced after Ron, and seeing that he was about to apparate, cast an anti-apparation jinx. Ron's body disappeared for a moment, but then came the sound of a horrible scream. A moment later, the bloody torso of Ron Weasley appeared in front of Harry and Hermione.
"Oh, no!" Hermione wailed. "He must have started to disapparate the moment I cast the jinx! I killed him!"
As Hermione continued to cry, Harry looked around the clearing where Ron's torso was staining the grass with blood. Not finding the Horcrux among Ron's severed body, Harry scowled. Even in death, Ron Weasley found a way to be a pain in the ass.
An angry Hedwig loomed in the rafters of the Great Hall. All around her were her legion of followers. It had taken years, but she was ready to seek vengeance against the red-haired fool who dared to eat HER treats.
Master Harry had been buying and giving her treats for years; however, in the spring of 1991, her master had sent the red-haired one to her to deliver a letter. She didn't mind. Her master was a good human, and he always made sure to give her a nice treat before and after every delivery.
The red-haired wizard was given a treat to give to her by her master, but instead he had stupidly asked her if the treats tasted good.
Of course they tasted good! That's why they were called treats!
The red-haired one had not understood her insistent demands that she be given her treat, and he ate the treat right in front of her. Hedwig remembered how the redheaded wizard's face lit up in delight at the taste of her treat, and how he had condescendingly told her how tasty it was.
She had waited years for her vengeance. Her master, obviously oblivious to the redhead's treachery, continued to send the stupid human to her to deliver mail. Each time, the redhead human ate HER treat before sending her on her way.
The redheaded wizard had made a mistake though. He was told to give each Hogwarts owl a letter telling the world of the dark one's demise. He was given a large bag of owl treats, and told to give one to each of her kin before sending them on their way with the letters. The stupid wizard had eaten the entire bag on the walk between the Headmistress' office and her nest!
The Hogwarts owls were enraged by their lack of treats, and Hedwig used the opportunity to tell of the red-haired wizard's crimes against her over the past seven years. Her brethren had rallied around her, and now they circled ominously around the Great Hall. Before the great battle, Hedwig led the ancient owl war cry.
Hoot! Hoot! Cherp! Hooooot! Hooooot! CHHHHHEEEERRP!
When the red-haired wizard looked up to see what was making the loud noise, Hedwig led her flock in a massive dive. With her incredible vision, Hedwig saw that the sight of 1000 owls diving at him caused the human to soil himself.
When the human made to run for the main entrance, Hedwig signaled her brothers and sisters to stop the human at all costs. They could not follow the redhead if he made it to the safety of the low ceilings!
As one, a thousand owls fired droppings at the redhead. Many struck the boy, causing him to scream in disgust; however, many more, hit the floor in front of him, and the notorious redheaded owl treat thief slipped and fell backwards.
Hedwig watched as the wizard's head struck the floor with a resounding CRACK. The wizard lay motionless for some time, and a particularly brave Eagle Owl flew down to inspect the boy's body.
"Hoot. Hoot. Hoot," the Eagle Owl called out.
Relishing her victory, Hedwig and her flock flew from the Great Hall and returned to their nest. Upon arrival she found her human waiting for her with a large smile on his face.
"Hey girl," he said cheerfully. "I know you just got back, but do you think you could deliver this letter to Remus?"
Her human smiled. "Of course, I'd never not give you a treat."
Hedwig sighed as she chewed on her treat. The dark one who had sought her human's death was vanquished, and the evil eater of her treats was killed. Yes, all was right in the world.
A little bit of random...
"Damn it Ron, I don't care!" exclaimed Hermione.
"Well you should!"
"Why? Quidditch is the stupidest game ever, and the only reason I go is because I know it's important to Harry...and you."
"YOU LOVE HIM! I KNEW IT! YOU STUPID MUDBLOOD!"
"I hate you! Avada Kedavra!" Hermione shouted, killing the mean idiot.
"Hermione, I've secretly loved you for my entire life. Let's hide Ron's body and go make love!" Harry shouted before exposing his massive 14 inch erection.
"Oh, Harry, I'd love too!" Hermione grabbed Harry's impressive manhood. "You're much bigger than Ron."
A/N: That last one is a spoof on all those Harry and Hermione secretly lust for each other but only realize it after Ron does something stupid fics. I was reading a particularly bad one out of boredom, and I found it quite funny. I just thought I'd summarize the 5,000 word angst filled piece of crap in less than 200 words for everyone.
I will work on this story sporadically, so expect inconsistent updates.
This fic is unbeta'd. Please don't comment about any grammatical errors. All mistakes are mine, and I'm sorry for them. I'll see about having this story edited when I have the chance.