Author's Note: The inspiration behind this fic is that a hypnotist came to perform at my college freshman orientation, and it was honestly the funniest shit I've ever seen in my life. XD I decided to place Cartman and Kyle in that same scenario. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: South Park © Trey Parker and Matt Stone
"M'kay, please settle down, students," Mr. Mackey said, trying to speak over the noisy students, all of whom were crammed together in the school's auditorium. They ignored him, chatting amongst themselves.
"HEY!" Mr. Garrison said, angrily shooting up from his seat. "Shut up, you little bastards!"
The entire room fell silent. Mr. Garrison stared at the kids with rage in his eyes, only to sit down again with a pleased smile on his face.
Mr. Mackey stood at the podium in surprised silence. "M'kay…thank you, Mr. Garrison," he said hesitantly. "Anyway, students, we've called all of you to this assembly because we have a surprise guest today."
A hand instantly went up in the crowd.
"M'kay, do you have a question, Butters?" Mr. Mackey asked.
Butters put his arm down and looked around to see that all eyes were now on him. He clacked his fists together. "Uh, well, I was just wonderin'…I heard rumors that the surprise guest comin' today was a clown."
"A clown?" Mr. Mackey asked.
"Yeah," Butters said shyly. "Eric told me." He pointed to Cartman, who was idly sitting beside him.
"M'kay, well, that isn't true," Mr. Mackey said.
"Oh," Butters said in relief. "Thank goodness, 'cause I'm scared of clowns…with their rainbow hair and their…giant shoes and…scary balloon animals…"
"Fag," Cartman muttered.
"…M'kay, anyway, please give our guest a warm welcome," Mr. Mackey said.
The kids applauded in confusion as a man walked onto the stage. He had spiky, dark brown hair, and he wore thick glasses. He smiled at the audience as he took the microphone from Mr. Mackey.
"Thank you very much," he said over the applause. "Really, you're too kind. Okay, I'm sure you're all wondering who I am and what I'm doing here today. Well, I'm a professional hypnotist. I travel to places all over the country and hypnotize people for a living."
Most of the students perked up in interest, though not everyone.
"This is gonna be gay," Kyle whispered to Stan.
"Dude, are you kidding?" Stan whispered back. "This sounds cool."
Kyle scoffed. "Stan, please, hypnotism isn't real. It's so obvious that the people being hypnotized are faking it."
"Yeah, any dumbass can see that," Cartman, who'd been eavesdropping, said in agreement.
"You see? Even the fatass knows it, and he's fucking stupid," Kyle said.
"Fuck you, Kyle!" Cartman said.
"Okay, I'm going to need two volunteers," the hypnotist said. Lots of kids eagerly raised their hands. The hypnotist searched through the crowd of willing participants, when he came across two boys who were keeping their arms crossed. "You right there…with the green hat."
"Me?" Kyle asked, pointing to himself.
"Yes, what's your name, son?" the hypnotist asked.
"Kyle," he answered.
"Kyle, why don't you come down here?" the hypnotist said, motioning for Kyle to join him on the stage.
"I don't know…" Kyle said.
"Dude, come on, just do it," Stan said.
"Yeah, don't be a pussy, Jew," Cartman added.
Kyle reluctantly stood up. "Fine," he said, making his way down to the stage.
"Great," the hypnotist said, and then he looked at the audience again. "What about you…large boy?"
"Ay, what the fuck is that supposed to mean?" Cartman asked crossly.
"I'm sorry, son, what's your name?" the hypnotist asked.
"Why should I tell you, asshole?" Cartman asked, still steaming.
"It's Eric Cartman!" Butters enthusiastically answered for him.
The hypnotist could already tell that Cartman would be difficult to cooperate with. "Well then…would you like to be hypnotized, Eric?"
"No," Cartman replied bluntly.
Kyle rolled his eyes. "Just get down here, fatass."
Cartman cursed under his breath as he walked past the kids and onto the stage. He sat down in the seat next to Kyle and propped his elbow up on the armrest.
"All right, are you excited to be hypnotized?" the hypnotist asked, holding out the microphone for Kyle.
"Uh, no, not really," Kyle said. "I mean, no offense, dude, but I think hypnotism is bullshit."
"Yeah, same here," Cartman said. "I've tried stuff with mind control before, and trust me, it doesn't work."
"Well…working with you two should be fun," the hypnotist said. "Okay, from now on, I need you guys to follow all of my instructions. First, I want you both to place your feet firmly on the ground. Next, put your hands, with your palms facing down, on top of your legs."
Cartman and Kyle did as they were told, though while sighing and rolling their eyes.
"Now, this next part is important. I need both of you to look up at the ceiling and focus on one specific spot. That's right, concentrate on it, relax every part of your body, inhale deeply and exhale slowly," the hypnotist said. "Inhale deeply. Exhale slowly."
As he said this, the audience watched in amazement as Cartman's head suddenly dropped to his chest.
Meanwhile, Kyle felt his eyelids getting heavier and heavier, and that was the last thing he remembered, before he slipped into unconsciousness as well. This brought the audience to an excited uproar, as they found themselves amazed to see both Kyle and Cartman out cold.
"Students, please do not be alarmed," the hypnotist advised. "Although it may look like these two are asleep, they are merely in a dream state of mind, meaning that their imaginations will be working at rapid speeds."
The two boys sank deeper into their chairs, Kyle's head now resting on Cartman's shoulder, both of them breathing in and out at their own separate paces.
"Okay, let's have some fun, shall we? Now, Eric and Kyle, listen to me very carefully. Some jerk just cranked up the thermostat in this room. That's right, the temperature in here is rising fast. It's becoming sweltering, almost unbearable…"
Cartman lifted his head, his eyes still shut. Believing that he was, in fact, burning up, he ripped off his hat. He then started unzipping his jacket and peeling it off of his body, revealing his teddy bear t-shirt underneath his coat. Kyle, too, quickly shed himself of his jacket.
"Oh, but wait, that same jerk is still messing with the thermostat. He's lowering the temperature now. It's dropping all the way down to 30 degrees…20 degrees…it just keeps getting colder and colder. You boys must be freezing. Quickly, hold onto each other for warmth!"
Without hesitation, Cartman and Kyle threw their arms around one another, snuggling closely for warmth.
"Dude…you…smell nice," Kyle said.
"Thank you," Cartman said. "You too."
"Okay, boys, it's all right, that jerk finally stopped screwing with the thermostat. The temperature in here is returning to normal. You can let go now."
They obeyed, both slumping back in their seats, into their original positions.
"Excellent, and now I'd like you both to pay close attention to this next command. When you hear this noise…" The hypnotist paused and made a clicking noise with his tongue. "…you're going to feel somebody pinch your butt. That's right, you'll both feel a sharp pain, and the crazy part about it is that you're going to accuse each other of doing it. Okay, boys, are you ready?" He made the clicking sound again.
"OW!" Cartman and Kyle screamed in unison, jumping up from their chairs. Cartman rubbed his behind, trying to soothe the excruciating pain that he believed he had just felt, while Kyle held onto his behind with both hands.
"Eric, what's wrong, why are you so upset?" the hypnotist asked.
"That son of a bitch pinched my ass!" Cartman said, pointing at Kyle.
The hypnotist turned to Kyle. "Is that true, Kyle?"
"I didn't fucking pinch his ass!" Kyle said. "He pinched mine!"
"Nuh uh, Jew!" Cartman said.
"Just stay away from my ass, Cartman!" Kyle said.
"Fine," Cartman said. "As long as you stop touching mine!"
"I NEVER FUCKING TOUCHED YOURS!"
"Whoa, just relax," the hypnotist said. "Look, I'm the one who did it, okay?"
"YOU SICK BASTARD!" Cartman shouted.
"I'm sorry," the hypnotist said, and at that point, he couldn't help but notice something. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but…I get the feeling that you two don't like each other very much. Is that true?"
"Yes!" Kyle and Cartman said.
"Aww, that's a shame," the hypnotist said with a frown. "But, you know what? We're going to fix that today. There's one last thing I'd like for you boys to do. First, I need you both to look at each other. Very good, now this next part is crucial, I can't stress that enough, you must follow this word of advice…in a matter of seconds, you're going to hear screaming and laughter coming from all of your friends in the audience, but I'm going to ask that you both disregard it, and that you don't stop until I tell you to. Do you both understand?"
They nodded their heads.
"Okay…now…I want you boys to…"
The hypnotist took a dramatic pause, teasing every single person in the audience, who were all sitting on the edges of their seats, anxiously waiting to hear what he was about to make them do.
And just like that, Cartman and Kyle dove toward one another, their lips smashing together in a frantic kiss. Kyle reached up to cup Cartman's face, while Cartman slid from his chair and dropped into Kyle's chair. Kyle welcomed him by moving himself onto Cartman's lap.
All the kids in the audience gawked in amazement, some in a stunned silence, while others laughed hysterically.
"Holy fucking balls!" Kenny howled from his seat.
It really was an unbelievable sight: two sworn enemies, passionately kissing each other against their will.
"Whoa, okay, boys…you can stop now," the hypnotist said.
They immediately pulled away, panting ferociously as they each wiped their mouths, and Cartman slid back into his own seat.
"Well, now that was interesting, wasn't it?" the hypnotist asked the audience, who broke into applause. "Okay, Kyle and Eric, I'm going to ask that you relax yourselves again, that's right, just like that. Now, to my lovely audience, before I wake these two up, I'm obligated to tell you that, once they return to their normal state, they won't have any memory whatsoever of what happened here on stage. So, I'd suggest that you refrain from asking them any questions about being hypnotized, because they won't have a clue as to what you're talking about. Now then…awake!"
With a snap of the fingers, Kyle and Cartman woke up. They stared, dumbfounded, at the audience staring back at them.
"What the fuck?" Cartman asked, rubbing his head.
"Hi there," the hypnotist said. "You boys can head back to your seats now."
Cartman and Kyle scowled at each other as they stepped down from their chairs. They were both surprised to see their jackets lying on the ground. They bent down to pick them up, quickly putting them back on as they walked to their empty seats by their friends.
Butters didn't take his eyes off of Cartman as he sat down beside him.
"What's your problem?" Cartman asked, noticing Butters' strange look.
"You and Kyle kissed, Eric," Butters said.
Cartman blinked. "Are you high?"
Meanwhile, Kyle took a seat as well. "Dude, what the fuck is going on?" he whispered to Stan.
The initial shock of seeing Kyle and Cartman making out still hadn't completely worn off for Stan. "Uh…" he said, and then he thought, fuck what the hypnotist said. "You and Cartman were hypnotized, dude."
Kyle raised an eyebrow. "What the hell are you talking about?"
"Holy shit, you really don't remember, do you?" Stan asked, amazed.
"Remember what?" Kyle asked.
Stan just smiled. "Never mind, dude."
"Oh, dude, you wanna hear something fucking weird?" Kyle asked. "My mouth suddenly tastes like cheesy poofs."