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Twatlight- Phenomenon

When I opened my eyes in the morning, I sensed something different. Being an emo kid means that you becomes in tuned with nature and the elements. I sensed that the veil of fog that had shielded me from the harsh world had lifted and that I was now left at the mercy of the cold, unforgiving snow. Either that, or the light coming from my window was clearer than usual. Personally, I prefer to turn my ordinary, mundane senses into superpowers.

I groaned as I glanced out the window-the driveway was a deadly ice slick. I knew that as soon as I stepped foot out there that the neighbours would emerge from their hiding places to record my flailing about and send the contents to Candid Camera.

Then in the back of my mind, an idea formed. Charlie was a cop, right? I doubted he would mind if I got a helicopter to lift me from the roof and bring me to school. Heck, they probably had one ready at the station for me. I rejoiced at my own inner genius.

Alas, Charlie had already left for work so I couldn't pester him. Instead I basked in the silence of the house for forty minutes before realizing that I needed to get my ass in gear if I waned to get to school on time.

I threw down some cereal and orange juice before thrashing my way to the car door. Miraculously, no one was killed as I drove to school. No one was more surprised by this fact than myself considering that I had been thinking about Edward Cullen for the majority of the trip. Deep down I knew that it was unhealthy for him to hold such sway over me but seriously, wouldn't it be better to be some hot guy's possession than my own independent woman? Maybe I would be content to be single if I had the abs he had. I had only spied a glance at an outline of said abs through his shirt but I knew that they were enough to bring God himself to his knees in appreciation. Or perviness. Whatever.

I distracted myself from Edward by comparing my two slaves Mike and Eric and contemplating their strange fascination with me. I was sure I hadn't grown breasts since my move from Phoenix so it really didn't make any sense that the entire male population of the school had branded me "hot, hot sex toy" material. Sure, underneath my adorably shy and bookish exterior was a sexylicious supermodel waiting to pounce but they had all realised this too quickly for my liking.

I parked my truck at it's usual place at school, satisfied that the black ice had learned not to mess with me. I was an anaemic seventeen year old. The forces of nature were no match for me….or so I thought until I spied the snow chains that Charlie had applied to my tires. Huh, what a buzz kill. I mean how thoughtful of him. It was there at the back corner of the truck, that I heard an odd sound.

It was a high-pitched screech which I dismissed as a fellow fan girl greeting the Cullen's. The sound was so hard on my ears that I blocked them with my hands and started singing, all the while staring at my new snow chains.

From the corner of my eye I spied Edward Cullen standing four cars down from me, staring at me in horror. What was I doing wrong? Maybe I looked stupid, singing but not dancing. At the speed of light I stopped jamming my ears shut and began to brake dance. The second I removed my fingers from my ears the screeching resumed louder than ever. Damn that fan girl has an impressive pair of lungs. Then I noticed that the sound was getting louder and louder-

Suddenly something hit me hard. I was hurled to the ground and held there by an unmistakable individual. My master had finally given into our red hot, throbbing, mutual attraction and decided to take me here and now beside the tan coloured car that I had parked by. I didn't care. I knew I'd like it rough. Just when his white hands were about to cup my barely there bosom they seemed to shoot out protectively in front of me….

Holy crow! His hands reached out and created a dent in the side of a van! I then realised that an assassination attempt had been made on my life by a van which I had mistook for another deranged fan girl. I would never again trust a van, never sit in one without feeling cheap and violated.

The van stopped and then the screaming began. I could hardly focus on that sound as Edward Cullen's cold breath was tickling my ear.

"Bella? Are you all right?"

"I'm fine," I tried to distract him so that I could reach around and squeeze his very squeezable ass but he pushed me to the ground before I could reach my goal.

"I think you hit your head."

As my horniness started to recede I realised that he was right- there was a deep throbbing above my left ear. Before I could get too distracted by the pain something occurred to me.

"Hey, how did you get over here so fast?"

"Oh silly Bella, I was standing right next to you. We were discussing how little girls who don't know what they've gotten themselves into better shut up before getting their legs broken."


"Shhhhhh…it's all gonna be just fine."

I turned to sit up and this time he let me. Then his gold-coloured eyes made contact with my poo coloured ones and I couldn't focus on anything else. It was as if there were pools of honey at the very centre of his eyes. I wanted to lean forward and suck the substance out but not as much as I yearned to suck a different part of his anatomy.

All around us was chaos. Through hearing a few key words I gathered that it was Tyler's van that had tried to rape me. I didn't care that much, I could press charges later. The question that I kept coming back to was- I wonder if Phallus Cullen is as cold as the rest of his body? I suppressed a shudder of desire.

"Bella, I was standing right next to you and that's how I managed to pull you to safety."

Huh? Oh right, that. "But I saw you."

"No you didn't!"

"Promise me you'll explain everything later over a candlelit dinner in the Volvo!"

"How dare you even THINK of eating in my precious baby!" he shouted before recollecting himself.

He sighed. It was a more harmonious sound than birds singing. "Listen…I'll explain later okay? Just promise to lie about everything for someone you don't know, even though it makes no sense!"

Finally, he was being reasonable again! "Deal."

Some mere mortals moved the van and while Edward wasn't forced onto a stretcher, I was. Boo fucking hoo.

To make matters worse, Charlie arrived.

"Bella!" he yelled in panic, engulfing me in a huge hug.

"Dad, I'm fine really-"

"Shhh…honey this is our chance!" he whispered excitedly, "Play up your injuries at the hospital and pray that we get Dr. Cullen. I hope he finds the distraught and worried father look hot."

Like father, like daughter! I admired Charlie's change of heart where it concerned Dr. Cullen. We were Swan's and that meant we had to fight for our men. It was nice that we finally had something to bond over.

We both had to suppress giggles in the ambulance so no one would suspect anything and once we finally arrived at the hospital we were buzzing with anticipation.

"Bella, I'm so sorry!" some random kid apologized to me once I had plopped myself down n the emergency room.

"Who are you again?"

"TYLER! Jeesh, I almost kill you with my truck and you still don't know you I am?! What the hell does it take for you to notice a guy?"

A Phallus Cullen Happy Meal certainly wouldn't hurt.

I decided to be generous and offer the kid a bone….no not that kind.

"Listen, if my truck stops working at some point you can bring me places on your ridiculously scrawny back. We even now?"

His outrage vanished and was replaced with giddy mirth.

"Of course Bella! Don't worry, you won't regret this!"

He was in worse shape than me but he skipped out to the hallway without much strain. I could hear him talking on his phone. From what little I could make out it sounded like this- "….omigawd Mom you won't believe it! I just got promoted!"

With my good deed done for the day, there was nothing left to do but wait for my Master and Dr. McSexyback.

I was so happy that I didn't mind getting an X-ray done. After that I was returned to the emergency room where I threw grapes on the floor and watched Taylor eat them for the sheer amusement.

My Master graced me with his immaculate presence before I could get too bored.

"Hey, Edward, I'm really sorry-"

We both raised our hands to silence Tyler and he had the good sense to know that he was being dismissed.

"So, what's the verdict?" he asked me.

"There's nothing wrong with me, barring the insatiable need for Cullen seed-"

Sadly he didn't hear the rest of my pick-up line as right then, a doctor walked round the corner.

There are so many unnecessary and complicated adjectives I could use to describe the beauty of Dr. Carlisle Cullen but to save time, I'll summarise.

Daaaaaaaaamn girl!

I now understood why this hospital was one of the worst in the country. How could anybody focus on medicine with hot buns like those jiggling around the place all day? Charlie had good taste in man candy.

"So Miss Swan, how are you feeling?"

"I'm fine doctor, not as fine as you but we can't expect miracles."

"Glad to hear it! Your X-ray looks fine and as long as your head feels okay-"

"It does."

"-then you can leave immediately. Your father is in the waiting room. He certainly is….friendly today."

Attaboy, Charlie!

I was sad to see the fine doctor leave but I didn't complain as it allowed me some alone time with the youngest Cullen. What can I say? I'm a cougar at heart.

"You owe me an explanation."

"I saved your life and let you press up against me like some kind of animal. I don't owe you anything."

I mock-flinched, hoping that he'd take the hint and we could play Spank the Bad, Bad Swan.

"Have I been…bad?" I fluttered my eyelashes at him, seductively.

"Are you having a seizure? I really do think you hit your head too hard."

"There's nothing wrong with my head!" Truthfully, I didn't care if he thought I was crazy, as long as he thought I was thin.

"If I wasn't standing right next to you, how do you explain what happened? Do you think I lifted the van off you. Pfff," he snorted.

"I-", I began.

"Can you just thank me and get it over with? I'm gonna be late for my date with one hot piece of metal."

"Thank you," I spat out, envying that Volvo more than ever.

He flounced off then and I soon followed suit.

Charlie looked like an over-excited school girl in the waiting room.

"What do you think, Bells? Isn't he dreamy?" he crooned.

"Yeah," I muttered half-heartedly. At least one of us had gotten to cop a Cullen feel.

Most of my classmates had turned up to make sure I was okay but I ploughed through them like I dreamed Edward would plough into me one day.

Charlie and I drove home in silence, both of us wrapped up in our own fantasies.

I had to call my Mom to reassure her that I was okay when we got home. I guessed that Charlie had blabbed about the accident when he had gotten over-excited about the prospect of meeting his intended.

Then I took some Tylenol and went to bed.

It was the first night I dreamed of Edward Cullen…..pity it wasn't one of those kind of dreams.

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