Title: Gonna Wash that Man Right out of my Hair

Author: Sarmi

Category: Post-BTVS Finale

Genre: Angst

Rating: G

Disclaimer: Joss is boss, I don't own anything. You get the idea.

Summary: Willow realizes that grief will find you even in the most mundane of places.

Authors note: This one of a series of POV ficlets about how how Buffy deals with Spike's death. They can be read in any order and are leading up to my fic titled Crazy Faith.

Today was Tara's birthday. I remembered while I was washing my hair in the shower. Right in the middle of rinse and repeat.

And I just stood there under the shower until the water ran cold. I had forgotten how much I could miss her in a single moment.

And I knew there was only one person on this earth who could possibly understand what I felt like in that moment.


Seven month earlier.

After Spike made Sunnydale go poof we didn't really have a plan as to what to do next. I don't think any of us really believed that there would be an after, so for lack of a better option we just drove. No particular destination in mind. As long as we kept moving we didn't have to think about all that we had lost. Everyone we had lost.

We did finally stop that night at a little motel on the edge of nowhere. We had more people than they had rooms so Kennedy and I ended up sharing a room with Buffy and Dawn.

She'd been real quiet most of the trip, which was to be expected and Xander and I decided just to let her be. She would come to us when she was ready.

She had excused herself from going down to the greasy spoon with the rest of us to grab a bite. I just happened to come back early from dinner to get my coat for a walk with Dawn and Kennedy when I found her.

She had been in the shower when we left and I could hear the water still running

I found her curled up in a ball with cold water pouring down on her.

I got her out and wrapped her in a towel and all she said to me was "he didn't believe me." That was it.

I put her in bed and the next morning she was Buffy again.

I don't know what he didn't believe.

Since then she has never spoken his name to any of us, except when asked about her slaying past by a new girl, too many of the really exciting stories involve him in some way.

But when you look at her, if you look real close you see the Spike shaped hole. It's almost a match to the Buffy shaped one he had that horrible summer.

Maybe we should both stick with baths.