For: My friend, Tika-chan. Happy birthday! (God, I had so much fun with this pairing, I'm worried…)

Pairing: Femme!Kyon (Kyonko) and Haruhi.

Warnings: Pure crack and maybe a little cheesy—I wrote this a while ago, and gah.…though I edited it a bit, I couldn't change too much.

Haruhi is a little obsessed with looks at the beginning, but she's just trying to find reasons to not like Kyonko and to categorize her as something.


i. Stranger, what are thee?

The first time Haruhi saw Kyonko, it was in their classroom and all she could see was a long mess of hair. Long hair, like hers, except that it was slightly longer and fuller. Hair that was better than her own hair.

The second thing she noticed was the girl's height. She was tall, practically a giant in comparison to Haruhi, and that did not Suit. Her. At. All. The girl also seemed to be ridiculously prettier (FAKE! ALL OF THAT SMOOTH SKIN MUST BE FAKE) and had a calm aura around her.

She also didn't seem to notice Haruhi at all.

That settled the matter. This girl must be an alien, or a time traveler at least. There was no way this girl could ignore Haruhi. There was no way she could be a normal human and look like that either. Finally, here was the proof she had been looking for.

However, that thought was destroyed the moment Kyonko actually spoke to her. While talking, that (NONBELIEVER) girl said something like, "Espers? Aliens? They don't exist."

"Oh," Haruhi thought, "She did not just say that. She did not just think that."

"I'll prove it to you," she spoke confidently, almost arrogantly, looking at Kyonko in a manner of defiance that spoke, "Try and prove me wrong, you HUMAN."

"…" Kyonko just looked away, going back to her work, leaving Haruhi there twitching.

Oh, it was so on. Here comes Club Member #1. And she was so not going to be vice.

But first things first. As soon as she could, Haruhi cut her hair.

(no way she wanted to look similar to THAT girl)

ii. Welcome to Haruhi Land, population: 5.

Kyonko looked around from where she was sitting, observing the other people caged like prisoners in the same room as she was. She was trapped in the small room, under the guise that she was in a 'club'.

Ha. More like a small monarchy, with Haruhi as queen.

The room had plenty of light, from the big windows on one wall, but besides the small table and random chairs, the room was bare. There were three other people in the room, a grey-haired girl, Yuki, a light-brown haired girl, Mikuru, and a boy with chocolate hair, Itsuki.

Yuki just sat in a corner, reading a book. She didn't seem to even blink, just moving her fingers every now and then to turn a page. Itsuki was sitting on a chair across from her and kept this ridiculously happy smile on his face, no matter what happened around him.

Then, there was Mikuru. Kyonko almost felt sorry for her. For some reason, Haruhi seemed to enjoy tormenting her, making her wear all sorts of costumes, from a maid's outfit to a neko suit, complete with a tail, cat ears, and a bell.

The reason that she only felt almost sorry for her was that Mikuru accidentally, in an attempt to escape, had turned Haruhi's attention to the other pretty girl in the club.

Now Haruhi tried to dress up Mikuru and Kyonko.

However, that wasn't the worst of it. After she dragged all four of them into the room, she declared the club's 'mission'.

"We are here for a very important reason," Haruhi began, pausing to stare at all of the members. She looked at each of them, before stopping at Kyonko. "We are going to do something that will change the world forever, and that is," She kept staring at her, making Kyonko feel a little uncomfortable, for those intense eyes didn't blink the entire time.


Oh. How nice. Lovely in fact. They were going to go around chasing things that didn't exist, all for the girl who dragged them forcefully into the club.

This is probably going to waste all of her time. Time that could be better spent playing a sport, going out with her friends, or even doing homework.

Kyonko sighed a little and wished she could get out of the club. Especially weeks later, when she found out Yuki was an alien, Itsuki was an esper, and Mikuru was a time traveler. The very creatures this club had to find. The very things that was the only reason this club was created and the members were forced to attend.

And the irony of it all? The fact that Haruhi could never find out about their real identities, for the world could be destroyed or something like that. The club would never end either.

(A pity, for now she could never see her smile of success…)

iii. Boredom a safe world does not make.

After a while, even though they had a lot of 'missions' —were they really missions? All they involved was an "oh-there-must-be-an-alien-somewhere-nearby-let's-hunt-it!" feeling from Haruhi. That and a feeling of boredom. That's how they ended up playing baseball and had to 'cheat' their way into winning. Or having to look in the city for hours in vain. Or even having to find this boy who got lost in his room, or solving the mystery of the murdered man on the island.

That's also how Kyonko discovered the secrets of her fellow club members—Haruhi was still bored. She wanted to do something interesting, something that would end up with her and an alien.

And when she was bored, nothing good came of it. For, through her powers, something would have to happen in order to keep her happy.

In other words, Haruhi was a spoiled brat that would always get what she wanted.

Without realizing how, because she had no clue about her powers.

"Well," Itsuki looked at Haruhi and smiled, making Kyonko shiver a little and Mikuru timidly whimper. Itsuki's smiles usually meant trouble, for he always agreed with Haruhi (THE BASEBALL GAME) and seemed to try to help her cause mayhem and chaos.

Another reason that Haruhi was spoiled—Itsuki never said no.

(And he never seemed to stop smiling. That in itself was creepy.)

Putting a hand into his pocket, Itsuki quickly grabbed a piece of paper and showed it to them all.

Come one, come ALL!

Presenting to you,


(so much better than that new game you bought)


(especially to little kids)


(wear your sunglasses, darlings, or else be blinded by the sun)


(conveniently located in Tokyo. MAGIC!)


(as long as you have an allowance. Or a job)




Be warned, the zoo might

Not be up to par with

Several building codes,

So some animal cages

Might not be secure.

Visit at your own risk.

Haruhi grinned at the page, while Kyonko twitched a little. That zoo seemed like a…death-trap.

"That's where our next mission is! Obviously, there has to be some sort of an alien there!"

Kyonko sighed. This Sunday she was going to have to bring some supplies.

iv. Kami, do you exist?

"We're going to break up into groups," Haruhi declared, for she was the club head and the leader and all of the club members had to follow her orders.

At least, in theory.

Instead, they all looked to Kyonko for what they should do next. For some reason, they all respected her as though she was the leader, the person in charge, the big boss.

Mikuru hid behind Kyonko whenever she was in trouble. She would go to the girl whenever she was scared, needed help or even just wanted advice.

Yuki and Itsuki didn't do much, but Haruhi could see that they were close to her too.

Close in ways they weren't to her, nor Kyonko was to Haruhi.

…and that was truly annoying.

"WE ARE BREAKING INTO GROUPS!" Haruhi yelled, in order to turn their attention away from the other girl. She fumed for a moment as no one looked at her, before finally Kyonko looked up at her.

For a moment, their eyes met; one calm and the other furious. They held their gaze for a long, silent moment, where Haruhi swore she felt something click, a future that seemed around the corner and filled with warmth and heat and wonderful feelings that seemed to rush into her veins and—

Kyonko broke contact and the feeling that had taken over Haruhi suddenly disappeared, leaving her slightly disappointed.

The rest of the group had finally walked up to their 'leader' by this time, surrounding her as they waited for her to continue.

Reaching into the pocket of her coat, Haruhi grabbed her special matches and told each of them to pick one.

Itsuki: ………short

Mikuru: ……short

Kyonko: ……long

Yuki: ……..short

That left Haruhi with a (ohpleaseno) long match.

Making her and Kyonko partners.

Someone up there must really hate her.

v. Australia, you say? The mothership?

"Why are we doing this again?" Kyonko asked. For about an hour, they had been walking around the zoo.

Which was fine, at first.

The zoo wasn't as destroyed as she had expected. The cages, though they seemed rickety and destroyed and oh God, did that bar just CRACK, for the most part the animals stayed in.

Safety was assured.

Haruhi, after deciding that they would take the longer route, had immediately started to run up to each cage.

"That's a lion!" she yelled excitedly, staring at the big, yellow cat yawn lazily in the sun. He placidly turned to look at her before closing his eyes and going back to sleep. She didn't mind that, staring at the lion eagerly for ten minutes before deciding to move on to the next cage.

"It's a gazelle!" she pointed at the calm deer. The deer mostly ate, with one of them deciding to play around a little. While she was fascinated with them for a while, she soon turned away and headed to yet another cage.

"An owl!"


"…is that a sloth?"


"Ohhh…it's a porcupine."


Kyonko sighed as she ran after the excited Haruhi. She was like a little girl who found herself in the candy-store and had to decide what she wanted to buy.

Except, this time the shop was a big zoo filled with possibly dangerous buildings.

And the candy was an alien that Haruhi seemed to have forgotten about.

In a way, it was adorable to watch her run from animal to animal. At this time, she was watching a panda walk slowly toward her. Her eyes were bright and lively, focused on this very moment. Her cheeks were flushed from the running and her chest heaved a little as she tried to catch her breath.

When she turned to Kyonko, it was her turn to try and catch her breath.

"Hurry! You'll miss the panda!"

Kyonko smiled slightly and ran a little faster. Maybe this trip wasn't a disaster. Maybe she would stay near Haruhi a little longer.

"That's an alien! JUST LOOK AT IT."

"…no, that is an animal."

"How can it be an animal? FROM EARTH? Look at its mouth! IT'S A BILL. AND IT HAS A BIG TAIL."

"That's because it is a platypus. You know, those animals from Australia?"

"Australia? You mean, this comes from a country on EARTH?"


"…Maybe Australia is an alien breeding ground."


"Or maybe the people there are all alien friends, and it's where the aliens land…"

Or maybe Haruhi was a little too obsessed with her hobby.

vi. Missed a spot

"Mmmmm….." Haruhi squealed a little as she ate the takoyaki ball. After finally persuading Haruhi that no, a platypus is not a creature from space, Kyonko decided that it was time for lunch.

Lunch seemed safe enough. Haruhi would be eating, not running around. They could rest. All sorts of benefits from taking a break presented itself.

Except that the person who served the food seemed a little…suspicious. His clothes were a little outdated.

Well, if you call clothes from the Thirties a little old, that is.

As well, his eyes were beady and he had a large moustache that seemed to be hanging unnaturally—it defied gravity.

In short, he looked as though he were here to kidnap someone.

"Maybe he's an esper," Haruhi murmured, grabbing another octopus ball from the container.

Kyonko raised an eyebrow. "Why?"

"Because his eyes seem unnatural."

"That is not a good reason," Kyonko harshly snapped back. She looked down at the carton of food and noticed it was empty. "And you ate all of the food. I'll have to buy another one."

Haruhi grinned. "Get me more too!"

"But you just ate mine too," Kyonko thought and she twitched a little. "Fine," she replied knowing that it was better to let her have her way than try to stop her.

Reaching the esper—no, just server, not esper. Haruhi was affecting her a little too much—Kyonko quickly placed two more orders. Then, getting out her purse, she quickly looked to see how much money she had.

Oh, there was only a hundred yen left. Not enough to pay.

Which meant that she would go hungry and that Haruhi would get cranky.

"Ano…I can't pa—"

"I'll have one order of takoyaki." Kyonko turned her head to see the guy standing next to her. His hair was black, like the sky without stars, and he was about the same height as her.

"I'll pay for her order too," he continued, turning to smile at her. She slightly blushed for the smile was a bit flirty and he was very….handsome. And maybe hot.

Just a little.

"Oh, t-that's o-ok, r-really," she stuttered out in surprise, looking at the ground nervously.

"No, it'd be my pleasure," he smirked flirtatiously at her and she thanked him quickly.

"Kyonko, let's hurry. The others are waiting," a tense voice suddenly said.

Snapping her head around, Kyonko saw Haruhi standing behind her, looking a little angry, ignoring the boy completely.

"What? The orders will be here soon," Kyonko replied, surprised. Hadn't Haruhi asked for more food?

"Just leave it. We need to hurry," Haruhi glared at the two customers, before wrapping slender fingers around her wrist. Stiffly, she marched off towards the entrance of the zoo, dragging Kyonko behind her. While they walked, both were silent and Kyonko quietly noticed the cool fingers and the small calluses that would softly rub against her skin every now and then.

It was a little distracting, but pleasantly so.

vii. In the end…

Haruhi looked around with disappointment on her face. There were no aliens at all in this zoo. Not a single one, with even that platypus-thing being from Earth. There weren't espers or time-travelers either.

There was absolutely no point to this trip.

Well, there was that snack they ate…but other than that, nothing.

She turned toward Kyonko, ready to admit defeat and go home. That's when she saw it.

It was round. It was pink. It flew.

Even if it looked like jello that wore a hat, it still qualified as an alien.

An alien meant proof.

"LOOK! THERE IT IS!" Haruhi yelled, running toward the blob. She ran past the toddlers and their mothers, past couples and their exs. She brushed forward, ignoring the food stalls and the animals, with her eyes intent on one goal.

She heard Kyonko behind her, yelling for her to stop and to at least tell her where she was going, dammit, but she kept running. Finally, she reached the little playground in the zoo.

The blob turned around to face her, a cornered animal looking back at the predator.

Its eyes were a little big and circular, and it seemed to have a yellow coat on too. Its mouth, which seemed out of place, lightly smiled at her.

Why? That was odd, no one smiles when they are about to get found.

Kyonko had nearly caught up by this point; Haruhi heard her turn the corner— the alien smiled again, drifting up, and no, this should not happen to her proof—and Kyonko finally arrived beside Haruhi.

"There…there was an alien here!" Haruhi shouted, looking up at the spot that the creature was.

Kyonko looked up. "Really?" The sky was the only thing visible now.

"IT WAS HERE. I SAW IT," Haruhi looked around desperately. She had to find the alien. She finally found her proof and it slipped out of her grasp. Her eyes stung a little with tears because she had finally touched her dream, and then it faded before she could fully grasp it.

"Well…well…we can go look. Again. Close-by. Somewhere," Haruhi started. She avoided looking at Kyonko because she knew that Kyonko was disappointed and had a look of pity.

"We can—" Haruhi tried once more to try and prove herself, when all of a sudden it didn't seem to matter any more. All she could see were grey tresses and she felt the soft, supple lips pressed against her own, lightly at first but then more firmly and roughly.

It was fireworks, something dying and fading but living and breathing at the same time. It was an explosion of pink and green and all the colors of the rainbow and time passed by quickly and slowly all at once, and everything froze and rushed and it was nothing but still everything and heavenly and filled with sin and—

Haruhi tasted perfection for the first time, and wondered why it took her so long to get it.

Kyonko slowly moved back, eyeing her carefully. "You looked so sad," she explained.

"Oh...." Haruhi touched her bruised lips, before grinning mischievously. "Do I have to be sad to get another?"

Kyonko looked startled for a second, before shaking her head. "Want one now?" she asked, winking.

Haruhi just smiled in reply.

viii. Omake

"You know, they haven't returned yet," Itsuki commented, looking idly at the sky.

"Do you think something happened to them?" Mikuru looked around nervously, "We might need to go and help them."

Yuki just turned another page of her book. All three of them were sitting under a tree outside the zoo. It was about five in the afternoon and the other two girls were about an hour late.

"Maybe we should go and look," Mikuru suggested.

Itsuki shook his head. "Haruhi is there. It's probably just Haruhi forcing Kyonko to look in the garbage bins and things like that."

Yuki silently listened to the conversation, finishing her page of the book quickly. She placed her bookmark in the novel, before closing it.

"Yuki, what do you think?" Mikuru timidly peered at the other girl.

The alien remained silent and put her book down beside her.

"Yes, Yuki, what do you think?" Itsuki asked this time as the wind played lightly with his hair.

The grey-haired girl turned to look at Itsuki. "Haruhi and Kyonko are kissing."

He looked surprised and shocked. "What? Really?" Please be joking.

Yuki nodded slowly before holding out her hand.

He sighed (DAMN) before he reached into his pocket. "Fine, you won the bet. Here's the money I owed you."

Yuki silently thanked her powers while she accepted the money—who knows how long it would have taken those two to finally kiss had she not intervened.