This was written as a birthday present to a friend who stated they missed my earlier OOC stories. Frankly, I kinda miss them in a way too so I was happy to oblige to write this :)
Had Kaoru not been pinching himself all throughout the day, he'd have sworn he'd never woken up that morning. Everything about it was…horribly surreal.
Be that as it may, he indeed had but not necessarily by his own doing. His eyes fluttered open at the softest brush on his cheek and for a moment, he thought Hikaru might've been doing it.
So when he reached his hand up to his face, Kaoru fully expected to find his brother's hand or maybe even his face against his. Instead, whatever his fingers alighted on made it move faster, but in a tickling sort of way.
"Heh-heh, stop it, Hikaru!" he giggled.
"Stop what?" his brother asked groggily, rolling over.
"You know what!"
"Kaoru, it's too early for this. What are you talking about?"
The younger twin frowned. "Weren't you just touching my face?"
"Can't say that I was."
"So…if it's not you…then what the heck is—"
He interrupted himself with a loud shriek as his hand brushed away the object that had been touching him. It was a large spider.
"AHHHHHH!" Kaoru screamed.
"Ahhhhhhh!" The spider screamed in its tiny voice.
"Holy mackerel, that's a huge spider!"
"Holy schmoley that's a huge human!"
Hikaru sat upright at his brothers screams. "What?! Spider? Where?!"
Kaoru could only point a shaking finger at the creature.
Upon one glance, Hikaru lost all his bravado and joined his brother in cowering in a corner for their lives. The maids found them there an hour later when they came to get them up for school. As for the spider…he made a hasty escape under the door. One of the maids unknowingly stepped on him on their way back out.
The ride to school was quiet from their shameful behavior from earlier. Two teenage boys, screaming like little girls over a stupid spider!
…Okay, Kaoru would never admit this out loud but he was still shaking inside from that encounter. Just decided to put that out there.
First sight they were met with when they arrived at Ouran Academy was Haruhi. Or…was that Haruhi?!
"Hey dudes," she said to them. That was still a she, right?
"Um…" Kaoru began, but couldn't find the words to say it.
Well, there was always Hikaru to finish a job. "Did you have a sex change overnight?" Haruhi's voice was way too deep and…could that be a shadow of some facial hair? Ugh!
"Yeah, decided that I was tired of being Haruhi. Now I'm Mike." She…er, he shook the twins hands and nearly crushed them with his grip. Taking testosterone too?!
"I like how those uniforms fit you boys," 'Mike' went on. "Nice…real nice," he said appreciatively as his eyes roamed over them.
"Whoa ho ho! Alrightie then! Um, wow, did anyone else just hear the bell?!" Kaoru said desperately. Without waiting for an answer, he grabbed his twins' hand and dragged him to class.
Despite that Haruhi—Mike—whatever!—still sat between them, they didn't repeat another episode like earlier…minus the provocative glances toward them. But they'd been receiving those from girls and boys alike, nothing different, right? Right? Yes, they were trying greatly to believe that.
During lunch, Kaoru left his brother for a moment to use the restroom. Upon entering, he was greeted by a cloud of smoke. Cigarette smoke. In the corner stood Honey, a slim nicotine stick in his hand.
"What the hell you lookin' at?" The boy asked with an Italian lilt to his voice, like cliché mafia goons. He didn't move from his nonchalant slouch.
"H-Honey-senpai?!" Kaoru spluttered.
"Man, don't call me that," the boy said, taking a drag. Slowly he blew the smoke out. "From now on, it's Nozuka. Now tell me, you came here for some business? Cause if not, kindly get the fuck off of my territory."
"Business?" Kaoru asked. Maybe if he kept him talking, he'd stay calm.
"You know, figured you wanted ya one of these cancer sticks. A little tobacky-wacky. A virgin joint. You get what I mean. You got the badda-bing, I got the badda-boom."
Kaoru could've sworn this kind of talk had become obsolete after the Sopranos finished airing. "Listen, I don't smoke. I just came here to use the bathroom."
Haninozuka, now just Nozuka, laughed. "Ya hear this Mori? Kid says he needs to take a whizz."
Suddenly, Mori stepped out from a stall. Had he always been this buff?! He was punching a massive fist into his palm.
"Boss says you can't piss here," he said in a voice that was thankfully still his own. Although…with a menacing infliction to it.
"Get 'em outta here!" Nazuka said, waving a hand in a dismissal.
Mori walked in Kaoru's direction, grabbed him by the scruff of his neck, and none too gently chucked him back out into the hall.
"They could've just let me walk out on my own," he muttered to himself, standing up and rubbing his sore behind. When he got back to his lunch table, he replayed everything back for his brother…minus being bounced from the bathroom as though in a club.
Finally, the end of the day approached. But oh no…they had host club. But at least two of their members weren't quite host material anymore. How would the place function?
Well, as Tamaki always said, the show must still go on. The brother's gave each other a glance and a shrug before opening the doors to Music Room 3.
As with the ladies, a flow of rose petals greeted them. And then more. And more. And still more! In fact, the instant the door was opened, a wave of petals crashed into them, knocking them back and bowling them into a far wall.
"Oh, overkill?" They heard someone say. Then a hand reached down into the mass of velvet and pulled them up, giving them a chance to breathe real air rather than the suffocating perfume of the flowers.
After making sure they were rid of the petals, the twins looked up to see Kyoya. He was smiling brightly to them…a dazzling smile…a prince's smile.
"Mommy, aren't they just charming against this backdrop of petals? They're just so delicious it makes you want to eat them right up!" he gushed, fisting his hands beneath his chin and rocking side to side in the classic fangirl way when they've just witnessed something adorably cute.
No…this…thing or whatever it was affecting the club, it hadn't gotten Kyouya too?! That meant there wasn't a prayer in the world for Tamaki!
And sure enough, the blonde casually strolled over, adjusting the glasses that should've been on Kyoya and writing something in a black book. "Yes, I suppose they do seem a bit more attractive in this setting. And it's not too pricey of a prop, nothing we don't usually use anyways. I think we can incorporate it into next week's schedule."
Kyoya leaped in the air with a shout of joy and hugged him. Like how he should've been, Tamaki remained indifferent to the gesture.
The blonde turned to them. "Well then, please come inside. The ladies should be arriving soon." He politely gestured for them to enter first, like a proper gentleman. Kyouya happily skipped in after them.
Honey, Mori and Haruhi were already inside. Kaoru wondered if he should start learning to address them by their new names. How long would these new personalities last? And if Honey was still the mafia thug Nozuka with Mori as a hired goon and Haruhi was still a transgendered named Mike, how long would this club last?!
Well, they'd find out soon enough. The door opened and Kyouya blissfully ripped up another innocent rose and let a fan blow them off his palm to create the petal effect again. At least the people who entered didn't nearly get whiplash from the force.
As the room filled and the girls were switched out according to their appointments, Kaoru had to wonder why none of them noticed the changes. Unless there was a side about the ladies of Ouran that he didn't know…then again, when you're in a relationship with your brother, how much about the female population would you know?
You know, when said like that, it sounds absolutely disgusting, he thought to himself. But speaking of his brother…where was he? They'd just finished up their latest customers when he'd disappeared.
Oh, but not for long. The ground began rumbling and the room dimmed, lightning flashing from an unknown source. Over a loud speaker, a high pitched laughing could be heard. And then…the platform rose. And Kaoru really wished it hadn't.
There Hikaru stood in the standard yellow dress for the girls, his hair nearly the same but with a clip holding part of his bangs back.
He tapped the microphone a few times to make sure it was on. Then, he opened his mouth and said:
"I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico!"
And with that, the stage lowered itself back into the ground while Hikaru continued with his demonic laugh.
This was it. That was the icing on the cake. Kaoru couldn't take any more of it! At least when Renge had used the generator—how the hell did she continuously pack and unpack that thing to take it with her wherever she went?! And who the hell has the time to keep creating secret spots in the floor to build it?—she'd imparted useful information. All Hikaru did was quote commercials! So easy, a caveman could do it!
Somehow he managed to make it through the rest of the club hour and even through the car ride with the ever now talkative Hikaru. Well, they did have their own rooms and Kaoru figured now that he was out of a twin, it was time to start utilizing his, since he'd been camping in Hikaru's for, oh, about all his life.
But ah, the day had one more cruel trick to play on him. Upon entering the house, there their two main maids stood, who were also twins. Generally they were very no-nonsense. Today, they must've grown a funny bone.
"Lets play the 'Which one is Hikari game!'" They cooed to the boys. Hyperactive Hikaru was all for it. But Kaoru found himself slumping to the floor in an exasperated mess, unable to cope with the day anymore.
Fool him once, shame on you. Fool him six or more times and everyone's just frickin' crazy!