Hello everyone~ I'm back with another crack story (as goes my writing style), since my angst muses just died out on me... I'm sorry for not being very active these days, but every since I lost my internet connection, I've been used to not having it. Even now that it's fixed, I use my cpu much less often for I have found my newest hobby: DRAWING ZUKAFUJI. XD;; Ahem, I will still try to upload as soon as possible my other stories, so let's just leave it at that. (Many thanks to lovefujitez over at LJ for beta-ing this fic!)
For this new piece, please read EVERYTHING. Including the title, and the author's note. And yes, it's written in Fuji's POV. ^___^
Title: 24 Policies on Tezuka Kunimitsu
Written by: Fuji Syuusuke
Genre: Guide for noobies on how to become Tezuka Kunimitsu's other half. [Special, limited edition!]
Pairing: Yourself x Tezuka (Aka. Fuji x Tezuka) or the other way around.
Rating: PG-15 (Because I doubt Tezuka is a loli/shotacon so abandon NOW if you are younger than 15!)
Warning: If you do not meet one of these rules, do abandon because Tezuka is very picky when it comes to choosing his life mate.
Disclaimer: Copyright Fuji Syuusuke. (Because I did all the research on Tezuka Kunimitsu.) This is a limited edition so reproducing this document is strictly prohibided.
A/N: To all out there who are willing to try and become Tezuka's other half, here is a guide written by Fuji Syuusuke, Tezuka's best friend and ultimate rival. If you meet up to all the conditions listed below, then congratulations! You shall make the perfect wife/husband for him in the future! So without further hesitation, please read on.
~24 Policies on Tezuka Kunimitsu~
Are you interested in becoming the ultimate lover for Seigaku's tennis captain? This is a guide of 24 conditions you must follow to meet up the requirements to become Tezuka Kunimitsu's other half. Written and edited by the one and only Fuji Syuusuke, Seigaku's prodigy himself. This is a limited edition, as there is only a single copy of it in the entire universe. Value it, now that you have your hands and eyes on it!
Rule Number 1: You must know and play tennis.
This is the most important rule. If you are romantically interested in Tezuka Kunimitsu, Seishun Gakuen tennis club's captain, you must be related to tennis in some sense. For as long as I've known him, he refuses to acknowledge anyone who doesn't take the time to appreciate tennis. This applies to all: males, females, aliens, birds... But then again, if you are not of the same species as him, (I do believe he belongs to the human category, even though I sometimes doubt that, he must be a rock reincarnated into a man's body), you might want to reconsider your sexual orientation.
Rule Number 2: You must speak Japanese.
Because if you want to start a relationship with him, you must at least speak the same language. There is a limit to his intelligence, even though he seems perfect most of the time.
A/N: This is optional- if you know the language of tennis.
Rule Number 3: You must have a good physique.
After many months of research and calculation (which can also be considered as the numerous blind dates and matchmaking sessions I secretly planned and forced him to attend), I hereby conclude that Tezuka isn't comfortable hugging females –and males, if it applies—with relatively big breasts.
Rule Number 4: You must know how to push the right buttons.
I mean it in the figurative sense, but it is always a plus if you are good in bed. Tease him, entertain him, and make him smile without going over the edge. Tezuka likes a bit of thrill to spice up his otherwise monotonous life. But he is most probably not going to show his appreciation.
Rule Number 5: You must have stamina. And lots of it.
Tezuka likes to abuse his title as the tennis club captain. After you've had your ways with him, he'll make you run laps. It is inevitable if you want to meet up to the previous rule. Normally, 150 laps is the ultimate maximum that the Regulars run daily. Perfect Tezuka Kunimitsu expects nothing less from you so you better start working out soon if you haven't already begun.
Rule Number 6: Silence must be your best friend.
Or at least, you must value your words. Never lie to him about important matters; he absolutely despises it. (Even I never bothered to break that rule around him).
Rule Number 7: You must be able to handle a one-way conversation with a wall.
You better get used to talking to a non-living thing beforehand or else you might be surprised to find out that Tezuka can act even more dead than a doorknob. If it wasn't for his occasional "Ah" or "Hn", you might as well talk to a telephone pole. (Practice at home if you have a cactus, or any other plants. Even they can be more responsive than Tezuka!) The only difference is that you would look less suspicious if you were talking to a human…
Rule Number 8: You must be aggressive.
Unless you don't mind losing your virginity at the age of thirty five (in Tezuka's personal dictionary, this is the age considered as 'mature' enough to have sex).
Rule Number 9: You must be able to smile all day long without getting sore on your face.
Because you would look like a grumpy and outdated couple if both of you constantly frowned. (Don't count on Tezuka to smile for you whenever you want!) People would think you were either forced into marriage at a young age or attending a funeral, especially when you are dressed in black.
Rule Number 10: You must force him into saying sweet things.
Otherwise he will never know you care for him. Don't count on him to initiate things. Give him the time of his life then ignore him for a week. He will say some very sweet words for sure, if he misses you.
Rule Number 11: You must understand Tezuka's personal romantic language.
Tezuka's words can be sweet if you fully understand its depth. Otherwise it will just be confusing. (He definitely will NOT glomp you randomly or scream to the world that he loves you). For example, when he says "Stay here", he actually meant "I want you by my side". Don't stand before him like some clueless idiot waiting for him all night. You might just catch a cold and miss tennis club activities the next day (like I did). You'll only end up running laps.
Rule Number 12: You must admire him with all your heart.
The way he shines at the tennis court makes up for all the lack of romance in your relationship. He outshines the finest diamonds sold in the market.
Rule Number 13: You must be keen in reading his body language.
This is a crucial point for all you romance cravers! Don't count on Tezuka to express himself through pick-up lines; the probability of that happening would be once every four years! (February 29th precisely, according to my calculations. I wonder why.) You must learn to understand his feelings for you through his actions. For example:
1. His gaze lingers on you more than usual. ("Are you free tonight?")
2. He constantly stares at you –outside the tennis court. ("You're beautiful")
3. He glares at anyone staring at you, that is not him. ("Back off, he/she's mine!")
4. He squeezes your hand –again, this only applies outside a tennis court. ("Are you alright? I'm worried.")
5. He lets you take off his spectacles. ("Do whatever you want with me. My sanity's outside the window")
6. He hugs you. ("I love you too")
7. He smiles at you. ("I know you love me too")
8. He kisses you before you turn eighteen –age considered as legal for kissing, in Tezuka's personal dictionary.("Don't ever leave my side. I want you")
9. He hugs you, smiles, and then kisses you. This is and the only hint he would give you before you faint due to a severe case of nose bleeding. ("I'll be proposing to you soon")
10. He ties his shoe lace in front of you –applies only when he is down on one knee. Don't read too much into it. ("Is this angle good to propose? Maybe this angle is best?")
Rule Number 14: You must be straight forward when it comes to important matters.
If you beat around the bush, you will end up even more confused than Tezuka, when you first brought up the subject. He is just that dense when it comes to matters of the heart.
A/N: Again, tennis is an exception.
Rule Number 15: You must accept the fact that Tezuka is legally married to tennis.
No matter how hard you try, you will only come first in Tezuka's heart when he isn't on a tennis court; his attention is focused on nothing but his opponent while playing tennis. It just makes it all the better when you are the one he is facing.
Rule Number 16: You must know how to give killer massages.
Tezuka moans (softly) if you give him a massage. It will take ten years off those who have fragile hearts, but it's worth every drop of blood you lose.
Rule Number 17: You must be patient.
As a busy man with deep focus in tennis as well as his student council commitment, Tezuka could be slow in processing things that are of importance. You must learn to wait if you want him to walk you home. He is silent and expressionless, but if you are lucky enough to walk under the same umbrella with him, especially during the first snow of the year, it's worth the wait.
Rule Number 18: You must not hug him in public.
You might as well hug a totem pole. (Not that you will find those in Japan.)
Rule Number 19: You must be a professional stalker.
For it is just that hard to collect blackmail material against a perfect, flawless being. Trust the prodigy on this one.
Rule Number 20: You must know how to blackmail him without having him hate or despise you.
Or else all the stalking was done for nothing. Don't anger him; just make sure you get what you want from him without going too far. Never use the same blackmail material twice. Don't forget to thank him with a kiss or a hug later. If you smile, his eyes will sparkle in return.
Rule Number 21: You must NEVER sell your blackmail materials for profit.
Even a sadist wouldn't do that. Wouldn't want anyone else to see Tezuka's weak side now, would you? His flaws are for you, and only you to see.
Rule Number 22: You must understand him and learn telepathy.
To love Tezuka, you must first understand him for every action he takes. (Besides, it's so much easier to mind-rape him without anyone noticing your actions!)
Rule Number 23: You must accept him for who he is.
He may be perfect at most times but he has his flaws. You must accept them and forgive him for his lack of communication. You must not blame him for acting like a telephone pole in public and a dead doornail in private. You must value your time with him and accept him for the tennis idiot that he is. For he is worth every breath and time you invest learning about him; he is Tezuka Kunimitsu, your second half.
Rule Number 24: You must love him wholeheartedly.
Or else, you will have to deal with me if you ever dare break his heart. If you are only interested in being his lover for the wonderful title of 'perfect Tezuka Kunimitsu's Girl/Boyfriend', if you are only toying with his feelings, you will have the honour of being skinned alive by tensai Fuji Syuusuke.
With a gentle thud, Tezuka closed the booklet he just read. To say it was disturbing would be an understatement. Since when did Fuji start mind-raping him? He was most definitely NOT as cold or as passive as a totem pole, but that was beside the point.
Tezuka gently rubbed his throbbing forehead. It wasn't his nature to meddle in another person's private life, but it was unusually weird for the prodigy to be careless and forget his diary on top of his locker.
The Seigaku captain was going to act like a dignified man and hold onto the diary for the night before returning it to its owner the next day. However, it became relatively hard for him to ignore the fact that his name was written on the cover –in font 72, bold, italicized and underlined. Naturally, his curiosity took over and without noticing, Tezuka read the entire litany of Fuji's prescribed conditions. He couldn't help but smile after realizing that the entire booklet was more of a subtle love confession. Then again, it was Fuji, and when it was Fuji, even love confessions could not be done in a normal, traditional way.
The following morning, before neatly replacing the diary on top of Fuji's locker, Tezuka grabbed a pen from his bag and scribbled a short note.
Fuji was surprised to find his diary intact later, that very day. He had been careless and feared that someone found his diary. He quickly scanned through his journal, to check if everything was still there. He was bewildered when he found a note dedicated to him on the last page. It said:
Rule Number 25: You must be Fuji Syuusuke.
He is the only one that can actually meet all the twenty five conditions.
Fuji smiled genuinely. With rule number 25 added to the list, he didn't have to fear for any competition he wasn't going to get.
REAL A/N: This idea popped out when I was reading a fic about someone writing a diary and confessing his love in it. I loved the whole idea, only the concept was slightly off for me. I decided to write my own version of it so here it is! And before you ask, YES, Fuji just had to show his possessiveness over Tezuka in the most weird and wicked fashion you can think of. He isn't a tensai for show. Tezuka is just lucky he found the limited edition of Fuji's diary.
If you look closely, you might find in the conditions listed above reference to my previously written fics (and other fics I've read these past few years. I disclaim myself; I don't own all those fics, just some of them!). If you can identify some, please do share your thoughts by reviewing or pm-ing me! XD
Thanks so much for reviewing, and again, please do share your thoughts on this! Critisism fill my soul so please don't by shy with it!
Now, for the REAL Disclaimer: You all know Tezuka owns Fuji, and vice-versa. You are supposed to know I am married to them (more so if you have already read my profile page). You most definitely acknowledge the fact that if Konomi-sensei doesn't marry Tezuka and Fuji by the end of the series, I am going to either commit suicide or murder someone. Yes, I mean, NO, I don't own them.