Hey guys, well this is my first submission to this site, not that it was intended to be! I originally wanted this to follow others but I just needed to put something onto the site because my profile is so bare. This was a heck of a lot of fun to write and is part of a series, each chapter will feature Akatsuki in a different unexpected place. This was also meant to follow a SasuNaru fic, which is why they cannon as a couple xD
I apologise beforehand if any of the characters are too OOC. I tried to keep them in character but this is a crack fic!
Enjoy, reviews are welcome to improve further chapters!
Akatsuki at the bakery
On the corner of a tiny holiday village sat a small bakery that accounted for the whole villages baked goods. The village itself was sleepy, quiet, charming and peaceful. That was, until, a group of ex-nins and what looked like a bad imitation of a Venus flytrap moved in.
But back to the bakery.
It was quiet…serene…peaceful…
"Senpai! That was a special order!"
Inside the bakery, chaos ensued. It had been the third pastry that day that Deidara had blown up and certain other members were running out of patience.
"Well I'm sorry but it's boring around here, hmm!" Deidara argued, waving smoke out of the way as the other members of the shop stood around to watch the scene unfold.
"YOU &$£(*FUCKING IDIOT!" Hidan protested loudly, not listening to a word of Deidara's excuses. "WHERE'S MY FINGER "£$$^&GONE?!"
The shouting man searched round on the pastry-covered floor for his missing appendage and secured it back in place, flexing it after it was returned to his body and promptly sticking it up at Deidara before storming off, muttering about how he was going to murder him some day. The other members watched him go silently before turning back to Deidara, who looked unbothered by the event. There was pastry covering a large area of the floor and walls and half of Tobi, who had jumped in slow-motion style to try and stop the exploding pastry and failed.
"Senpaiii," He whined "That one was for a really nice customer I talked to on the phone just now!"
"I don't care!" The blonde haired man screamed back, "This place is too quiet, I wanted to liven it up with some art, pastry is quite like clay hmm?"
A man with flame coloured hair walked silently from the back of the shop into the room and passively addressed the man. "Try not to let this happen again."
"Suure." He shrugged as the flame-haired man left again. Other members sighing as they went back to work.
Akatsuki had been there a week. So far they had encountered several missing limbs, three explosions, five terrified customers and one missing employee - that the other members had looked at Zetsu questioningly for. Some members were contented to work, those like Konan and Itachi, who quietly got on with their doings. Kisame, like Deidara, was bored and wanted a good fight, though went along with his work because Itachi did. Kakuzu remained fairly happy as long as the bakery made a fair amount of money, his partner Hidan, the opposite as usual. Hidan bore the same attitude as Deidara but took it to the extreme, it was only the other day when Itachi had found blood in one of the strawberry tarts that the team saw just how much damage six hours in a bakery could do. Tobi…well he was Tobi, so he was content and liked to serve the customers directly on the till, Pein deciding he seemed the less threatening of the group due to his 'carefree attitude'.
The team had settled down after the brief explosion of excitement and had resumed their usual posts, Kisame mumbling to Itachi to mention the small moment of drama had been nice compared to the usual indifferent day. Deidara was in the back of the bakery, grumbling as usual and sending glares in everybody's direction.
"Stupid bakery…why do we do this shit anyway hmm? This whole shop would look a lot prettier if I fleetingly blasted it to pieces …"
"Senpai," Tobi began, sounding as content as ever "I think you scare the customers away with your sadistic attitude."
"Shut it, Tobi!" The man shouted in reply, throwing a fruited bun at his orange-masked partner, where a small explosion followed.
"Pein told you to not use explosives in the goods, Senpai!" Tobi hushed a whisper, waving smoke and currants away from his face. Deidara grunted a 'hmm' in reply and went back to laying the buns on trays to display in the window, thinking about how amusing it would be if a customer ate one of his newer pieces of art.
Outside the shop, Kisame and Zetsu were conversing quietly about the weeks goings-on.
"To be honest, it's nice to have Tobi here if he's going to lighten the place up." Kisame commented, "Plus, as much as Deidara and Hiden annoy me, it's nice to have some kind of entertainment."
"Yes, Deidara's antics are amusing."
"Hidan's are more."
Kisame blinked as the two halves of Zetsu's body argued and grinned, nothing freaked him out in this team anymore.
"I think you two should go inside, it's not exactly great advertising for the shop if you stay out here hmm. If a customer walks past they're not likely to go 'Hey look, there's a blue guy with a giant bikini trimmer and the plant from the Andrex advert, let's go inside!'" Deidara grumbled sarcastically as he exited the shop briskly, wandering off down the street in a huff.
"Do you agree now?"
"Everybody," Itachi began as he hung up the phone for what felt like the hundredth time that day, "We've just received a rather large order."
"Don't worry, we have enough stuff made." Kisame reassured.
"They want to collect it in an hour."
The team shrugged at him, not quite seeing why he had announced it in the first place, large orders were not usually unusual…
"They want fifty of everything."
Hidan stormed out of the back room with a look of exasperation set into his face, everybody braced themselves for the extended cursing.
"WHAT THE FU%*&£WHOEATS THAT £*CKING MUCH378??!!!"
Needles to say he didn't make much sense to many in the group. Kakuzu proceeded to taking a blade form his pocket and stabbing his partner in the throat to silence him for a minute or two.
"CRAZY MO*$TH^&*ERFU^&(CKING BAST£RD!!" He screamed after pulling it out again, throwing it in Kakuzu's general direction in rage. It was caught by Pein and the rest of Akatsuki fell silent.
"Tell us the details please, Itachi." He said calmly and Itachi rolled them off.
"Fifty sunflower bread-loaves, fifty fruit-buns, fifty vanilla cupcakes, fifty apple pies and fifty double-chocolate cookies..."
"Good Lord." Kakuzu mumbled.
"DON'T TAKE THE LORDS NAME IN VAIN."
"And a jar or marmalade."
Itachi finished and the rest of the group looked quite stunned by the enormous order, looking to Pein for some kind of explanation.
"Well, we'd better get to work then, everybody is to make the goods whilst Tobi and Itachi take care of the customers." He commanded, walking back into the rear of the shop, waiting for the onslaught.
"WHAT! THERES NO WAY!"
"Shut up Hidan."
"I hate you."
The rest of Akatsuki, minus the two Pein had mentioned were now busy preparing work surfaces in the back of the bakery, Kisame watching Hidan and Kakuzu arguing in the front of the shop fairly amusedly.
"Kisame, you better get working if we're going to get all this done." Konan told him and he laughed
"Someone should tell zombie combo that!"
Ten minutes later, the shop was…well - chaos. Even more so than usual as the pressure of the strange order was put upon them. Hidan had smashed several pieces of equipment, as had Kakuzu, as their argument continued throughout their bread-making. Kisame and Zetsu had encountered a few of Deidara's forgotten 'artworks' whilst making cupcakes and Konan, along with Pein, was finding it difficult to work with food, equipment and the occasional weapon flying past them. After Hidan calmed down however it was consequently quieter and Pein secretly sighed a 'thank you' in earnest. His happiness didn't last long though as members of the team began getting bored and off-task.
"Hey hey! I've got another one!" Zetsu exclaimed, holding up a smoking cupcake and brandishing it to the group.
"Hit me!" Kisame called from the other side of the room, holding out his Samehada like a baseball bat. Zetsu threw the cupcake in his direction, where it was batted hard and exploded in the air, sending sponge and icing everywhere. Konan sighed, picking bits out of her hair and resuming her work quietly.
"This job is having a somewhat bad influence on some of our members." She said to Pein, knowing he agreed by his expression.
The madness continued as Kisame and Zetsu (always the ones seeking entertainment) decided to play time-bomb with the next cupcake they found. It didn't end well, as it hinted explosion near to Zetsu's fingers, he smacked it and unfortunately it went spinning off course into Hidan, blowing a hole in his back.
"That was a big one."
"FU&%INGID!OT! YOU WILL PAY FOR THAT!"
The next item to go flying was the bread loaf Kakuzu was working on.
"HIDAN!" He shouted in protest "That's enough, I'm sick of you!!" He grabbed a bread-knife and ran at Hidan with it, who squawked as it went through his forehead and he fell back, knocking a tray of newly made cakes over onto the floor.
"Hidan we just made those!"
"IT NOT MY FAULT! HOW DARE YOU"£$&(&£STABME IN THE HEAD!" The immortal roared, knife still protruding from his forehead. He grabbed his scythe and ran towards Kakuzu wildly, Kisame laughing and running to join in the fight, using the excuse of the fallen cupcakes. Zetsu stood and watched as the fun erupted.
Itachi and Tobi looked towards the back room curiously as Hidan's screaming and several loud crashes reached their ears.
"…You think they will finish the order?" Tobi asked, concerned.
"Not at this rate." Itachi answered.
Their attention was moved to the front of the shop as another argument reached their ears and they looked out of the front window in curiosity, not able to see who it was coming from…
"Teme why do you always think you're right! S'fuckin annoying!"
"I am always right, Dobe."
That was until…
Sasuke and Naruto walked into the shop distractedly, not noticing the people on the till at the moment as they were only interested in their own argument, several mentions of 'dobe' and 'teme' being shot from guy to guy as the two people on the counter stared in horror.
Itachi's jaw actually fell as he took in what was happening, his brother had just walked into the bakery…his brother…this was bad. Of all people really, anybody, anybody in the whole of Konoha could be vacationing here but no, he got Sasuke and Naruto. He got the one who had seen him slaughter their family and swore to kill him. He got the--wait, were they holding hands. His suspicions were confirmed as they neared the counter, still arguing whilst their fingers lay interwoven between them. Then came the moment of truth, where Sasuke lifted his head to look at the two men on the counter.
His face paled a few shades in colour as his jaw dropped, Naruto looking at him strangely before looking up and seeing the reason for his shock, giving a strangled cry, letting go of Sasuke's hand like it was on fire and flailing backwards. The two brothers looked at each other and Naruto looked from one Uchiha to the other rapidly as the tense moment dragged on, nobody quite knowing what do do.
"Welcome to Mura Bakery!" Tobi chirped and all three men turned to shoot him the most cynical look they could manage. Not able to keep it for long as a string of curses were screamed from the back room and three older men fell through the connecting doorway. Hidan had a dripping bowl of batter on his head like some ridiculous hat - courtesy of Kisame who was sporting several patches of icing and a samehada full of raisins and Kakuzu was covered in flour. All three of the fallen men instantly went silent, paused in their mid-fight positions and stared dumb-founded at the two stood on the floor of the shop, who stared back just as questioningly.
"Naruto?" Kisame questioned.
"Aloe Vera!" Naruto replied, looking instead to Zetsu.
"UCHIHA?!" Hidan exclaimed.
"Nine-tails!" Kakuzu hissed.
"Itachi." Sasuke whispered.
"Tobi!" The masked-man noted happily and everybody shot him another cynical stare.
"Weeeeell…" Naruto sang, scratching the back of his head nervously as the silence ensued again, "…this is…awkward."
And it was. For there was now a complicated mess of feelings and goals in the open here in the small bakery. Sasuke, wanted to kill Itachi. Itachi, did not want this to happen yet. Kisame, wanted to capture the nine-tailed beast, as did several other members and Naruto, wanted to avoid all fighting. This would be difficult though when Sasuke had already activated his Sharingan and was glaring at his older sibling hatefully.
"To think I've found you…of all places…" The younger Uchiha growled, being replied to by his elder calmly.
"Indeed, I did not account for this meeting."
Sasuke took a step forward and several things happened at once:
The four men in the doorway stood, ready to watch, assist Itachi, or grab Naruto.
Itachi braced himself for Sasuke's attack.
Naruto grabbed Sasuke's arm, begging him not to fight.
Tobi commented on how this could possibly destroy the bakery.
"Sasuke! Were on holiday, were in a bakery, you can't fight here, not now! You can find him again when you're more prepared!" Naruto advised, still clinging to the boy's arm, who was doing his best to shake him off.
"Stop it idiot." He growled, pushing him away and moving closer to his brother.
"Well isn't this interesting…two Uchihas squaring up to each other in a bakery while the younger one's girlfriends holds him off." Kisame commented, relishing the idea of a brawl.
"WHAT?! I am not his girlfriend!" Naruto yelled, only to receive a sharky grin.
Un-bothered by his partner, Sasuke took the moment to make a hand seal, and everybody in the shop turned to look at him as chakra was sensed to be surging.
"Here we go!" Kisame announced.
All members of Akatsuki and Naruto turned to look at Pein as he exited the back room, along with Konan, Sasuke kept his gaze on Itachi, shaking with anger.
"This is not the time or place for a battle such as this. It would be wrong to do this now." Pein told the Uchihas calmly, then turning to answer the unheard questions of the other members. "The capture of the Nine-tails is to resume when we are not undertaking teamwork missions." He then stopped and left to resume his work. This left Sasuke and a fiery Naruto on the shop floor, gazing round suspiciously as if it were a trap.
"He's right, Sasuke." Itachi said to his brother, who made another seal, ignoring the reasoning.
"Sasuke!" Naruto snapped, making a clone and grabbing both Sasuke's arms, shaking him violently. "It's not the right time!"
Sasuke snapped out of it, glaring round at everybody in the bakery and then shaking himself free of Naruto's tight grasp, grabbing both the clones by the wrist and marching towards the door.
"Let's go." He spat, leaving.
A passive moment went by before the tension was lifted a little, courtesy of Kakuzu.
"You reckon they use his clones for anything other than training? If you catch my drift." He smirked and Itachi turned a slight shade of green, going rigid.
"Huh?" Tobi asked innocently and the others rolled their eyes at him.
"I must say, that was a little surprising, in more ways than one." Kisame muttered, before Pein reappeared from the baking room.
"Tobi, please go find Deidara, his break has surpassed the allowed time."
"Aye-Aye!" Tobi sang, dancing out of the shop.
Somewhere in the surrounding village, unaware of the insanity he'd left, Deidara was wandering round the rows of small shops, grumbling to himself. He didn't want to work in a bakery to help teamwork or whatever the fuck Pein had said - he'd never even wanted to join Akatsuki in the first place!
"Damn Uchihas hmm…" He spat, kicking some litter on the floor "If I even see another one I might just…"
"Naruto would you shut up about him!"
"I'm sorry I'm sorry, you just scare me when you get like that!"
"Don't be scared idiot."
Deidara was sure he'd heard those voices somewhere before but he couldn't quite put his finger on it. He turned slowly and his eyes widened as he first and foremost saw an Uchiha crest, perched upon the T-shirt of an Uchiha…
"Fuck my life." He said simply, eyes narrowing. He watched as the young Uchiha stood and argued with…there's no way he could forget that annoying voice…the nine-tails was with him. He was about to find out just how much he was with him in a few moments…
"I didn't…I don't mean scared I meant like…concerned, you're so much of a asshole you'd go and get yourself screwed and I'd have to look after you." Naruto mumbled at Sasuke as they stood in the mouth of a side street.
Well, I'll agree there nine-tails, he is an asshole, like his brother hmm.
He walked closer, at the moment only seeing Sasuke, who was stood outside the side street, Naruto still in its shadows. He folded his arms, about to go and cause trouble when he stopped abruptly.
"The only one who's gonna screw me is you."
"And you know you love looking after me."
"Nyeh shut up, bastard."
Deidara clasped his hands to his mouth as he watched the Uchiha lean into the blonde haired Jinchuriki…no way…they weren't gonna…
"Yuck!" He spluttered as he watched Sasuke kiss Naruto forcefully, wrapping his arms round the boy and manoeuvring him against the alley wall. Naruto tried to protest but Sasuke pressed into him and he moaned into the lip-lock.
"Eeeew shit! What the fuck!?" Deidara thought aloud, the boys not hearing him from their distance away, too busy concentrating on other things. Deidara turned and hurried off in the opposite direction, trying to permanently burn that image from his memories. This was reeeealy messed up hmm…
Does Itachi know about this hmm?
A malicious grin crossed the man's face as he realised he now had something to embarrass the older Uchiha sibling about. He turned and began to race back quickly, partly in shock over what he'd seen and partly relishing the idea of pissing Itachi off. He didn't even notice as he fled past an orange mask, the person wearing it shouting "Senpai!" Cheerily before following him. He didn't stop once on his way back to the bakery, not even bothering to think, he flung the door open and yelled at the top of his voice.
"YOUR BROTHER IS GAY!"
He had to admit, he'd expected…more of a reaction than this. He'd been met with a stony silence and the fearful glances of a few concerned customers, the other members of the shop looking at each other knowingly, smirks on their lips. He surveyed the scene and sighed heavily, marching in and pushing past the customers, leaning over the counter to bring himself right in front of the Uchiha.
"Helloooooo!" He sang, waving his hand in front of the man's face. "Did you not hear me?! Your brother," He pointed a finger at him. "takes it up the ass! I just saw him and the nine-tails, you should have seen it! It was gross! He forced him up against a wall and started-"
"Don't." Itachi groaned, breaking his silence and flushing green again, after the younger boys had left the shop a while ago, he'd been stood like a statue and refused to speak to or serve anybody in the whole shop.
"Deidara, sorry to tell you but its old news, they were in the shop a minute ago, holding hands."
Deidara stared, taking in the information then opened his mouth to curse, his words though were failed to be heard when Tobi energetically burst through the door of the shop.
"Senpai!" He squealed. "Why were you running away from me!?"
"I didn't even notice you were there idiot, I was busy trying to get back here!" Deidara retorted, leaning on the counter in a huff and looking round the shop. He'd hoped for an outburst and was a little disappointed. "What the hell happened in here anyway?" He mumbled, looking round to see flour, icing, raisins and batter spilling from the doorway of the baking room.
"Long story." Kisame replied absent mindedly picking a currant from his samehada.
"Everybody." The room silenced as Pein emerged from the back room once more. "Now Deidara is back I urge you back to work, Deidara you can make the marmalade, we need one jar, everybody else knows what they're doing."
The youngest member of Akatsuki groaned before grabbing an apron and storming into the back room. He was filled in with the news of the large order, the happenings concerning the fight and the near Uchiha face off. All the while the smell of baking bread and cake wafted throughout the shop sweetly…who know 9 ex-nins could be so peaceful…
Nothing good lasts forever.
Pein winced as he heard a familiar explosion, turning to see four guilty faces and a grinning one…and one without a face at all, instead a mixture of icing and sponge…
His gaze went to Deidara, who it seems was having a hard time keeping the smirk from his face, and sighed.
"You blew his face off…" Kakuzu mumbled, before he sniggered and several other members grinned.
"Hidan put your face back on and Deidara, stop putting explosives in the goods." Pein commanded and Deidara shrugged before walking towards Hidan's workstation. He looked down to see a very angry looking face and stuck his tongue out at his.
Deidara winced at the volume coming from the mouth lying on the floor and lifted his foot, bringing it down upon the face hard and hearing a laugh from Kakuzu. What he didn't hear was Hidan's body coming up behind him and grabbing him in a headlock.
"Fuck!" He shouted as he felt hands trying to yank the hair out of his head. He was soon saved though, in respects, as he felt himself being drawn away from the tight grasp and then flung into the wall of the small room with a loud bang. He opened his eyes to see Hidan's body on the opposite wall.
"You are both to leave and work in the front of the shop, do not speak to the customers." Pein said simply, before the two men fell from the wall and landed on the ground. Deidara swore loudly before he threw his apron to the ground and marched through the doorway. He ignored Hidan following behind, reattaching his face to his head.
With some peace finally ensued in the bakery, the members finished their goods just in time and began bringing them to the counter in boxes, stacking them. When Kisame had laid the final one, and plopped Deidara's forgotten jar of marmalade on top of it, he frowned.
"Hey…I'm sure we didn't make most of this." He said to the group curiously, the others looking to he boxes and voicing their agreement.
"Yeah…I only made 5 loaves and 12 cookies." Kakuzu noted.
"I made them." Said a monotone voice and they turned to see the six bodies of Pein standing in the connecting doorway.
"…what?" Kisame said, unimpressed.
"You have your six bodies with you?" Kakuzu wondered aloud
"You mean we've done all this work-" Zetsu began
"When we didn't have to?" His other half finished.
"You had more than enough people to run this place yourself!?" Deidara yelled
No need to put a name to that statement.
Pein, the original, looked from one member of Akatsuki to the next and then sighed, it seemed Konan was the only one who would do as he said without question and deal with it. Once he had quietened the grumblings of the team and explained the whole purpose of this was not for money (cue Kakuzu objection) and solely to help improve teamwork, he turned to Itachi, (who looked as if he'd seen better days), to ask about the order.
"When did they say they would come to pick the order up?"
"About now actually." He replied blankly.
"Wow I can't believe you all finished on time!" Tobi smiled, though nobody saw it under the mask, his voice gave it away.
"Yeah yeah…well we have Pein to thank for that I guess…jeez, who eats this much anyway? Or spends this much on cakes?" Kakuzu grumbled in reply to the cheerful man.
"Somebody with a big appetite and a lot of money!" Tobi answered
"I guess…well at least we're making a ton out of this."
"Even if it was more trouble than it was worth." Kisame added and received nods of agreement.
"I can't wait till the bastard gets here so I can give him a piece of my mind hmm…" Deidara mumbled and received a snort from the sharky team member.
"You hardly did any work! You missed the whole first half hour and then got sent out of the second!"
"Whatever…I just wanna see what kind of idiot makes this much of an order hmm."
"How long do you think he'd going to make us wait?"
"We're closing after this aren't we?"
"No need to wait!" Tobi piped up.
"What the fuck Tobi, we can't just leave without the customer getting his food hmm!"
"Senpai! I ordered the food!"
A tense silence enveloped the room at that last bit of conversation and all eyes flicked towards the orange-faced man. Nobody could believe it. Itachi hadn't even recognised the voice on the phone, and nobody and noticed Tobi wandering in to the small storage cupboard to make the phone call. When Deidara finally found his voice again his sentence was spat venomously.
"Well I was hungry so I thought I'd make an order seeing as we worked here and all."
Nobody noticed Pein smacking himself in the forehead with his palm. They were all too busy staring open-mouthed at the masked member.
Remember that peaceful scene at the very beginning with the small homey bakery in the middle of a serene setting…
Calm and peaceful…
If you had been walking past the bakery that afternoon, as two boys by the names of Sasuke and Naruto were, you would have witnessed a man wearing an orange mask and an apron fleeing from the door, begging his Senpai to forgive him. You would have also seen said Senpai chasing after the man holding what looked curiously like a smoking Victoria sponge. To finish the picture a psychotic looking man with a scythe, chasing after the two, swearing Jashin would make him pay…
"What do you think happened?" Naruto whispered a moment later as the calm returned, the three men now only distant screams.
"I do not want to know." Sasuke answered, staring at the bakery sickly and tugging Naruto away, hoping they were not going to run into Akatsuki again anytime soon…
First of the series done! Any suggestions for improvment and futher ideas are welcome. Next time, how will Akatsuki do in a nursery?!