Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, I don't own Enterprise, I don't own my house, I don't own my car, I don't own my pants. Where…are my pants? Trip…stop playing with the damn transporter...

Warnings: Sexual Content yeah, it's explicit so be warned. It is also containing a good amount of slash, it's a threesome people, everyone get some attention…a lot of attention…all the attention they can get ^_~ You have been warned.

Author's Note: This is a re-post of Chapter 1 in order to accommodate some slight plot issues in a 3rd squeal and correct some of the many typos and correct some of the unconventional style. I do hope this is a little less shameful. There is nothing new in this chapter, just better writing.

I am Dead

I knew it was bad by the look on his face. Archer could be stone faced at times but evidently this isn't one of them. I said I am sorry, he said we'll be on time. I smiled at him. Captain Jonathan Archer, my best friend. I have known him for twenty years and in that time I had so much time to really know him. Yet right now, even after all that time, the look on his face right now is indescribably easy to read. I can't help myself as I wink at him. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die but that's okay. There isn't one inch of this ship I haven't touched with my own two hands, and I feel like I should die on her. And of course, for the Captain, for Jonathan Archer, I'd die a hundred times over. I feel my chest tighten at the site of him and the thought this will be the last time I ever see him.

I can see his face disappearing behind the shield that will push me into the decompression chamber, it's supposed to let me breathe a little easier. But as I hear the mechanical gears working and I see the blue lights shimmer and flash down the chamber, I know it isn't working. I am not breathing easier and I'm not gonna be okay. Then I feel it in the back of my head. Like someone opening an oven. Heat. Fear. Pain. Disbelief. T'Pol. She knew. I don't wanna leave her. Don't wanna leave Jon. But my life for the Captain's, that's a good trade. A good trade. The pain's not so bad anymore. The pain is not gonna be here much longer. I welcome the blackness as it descends. I hear Phlox saying something, but I'm not listening anymore. I try, really try to feel that connection in the back of my head. I've never been able to reach out to her, especially after she seemed to shut that door and barricade it. But right now I just want to tell her goodbye. Just want to send her that this is the last time. I know what she's like and she'll hate me for doing something that was so obviously illogical. I think I feel a piece of her again, just a feeling. I feel like I'm driving away and she's running in the street behind me. But it's raining and the windows blurry and I can't see her. But I know she's there. It gets darker. It still feels like rain. Wet, cold, dark. Rain.

~oOo~

You know when you sleep, hard and like a log, dreamless and soundless and when you finally get up you know it's been a long time, but not precisely how long. I feel like that. Darkness, and cold wetness blushed across my body. But it didn't really feel like I had my body anymore. I can't really remember ever enjoying the quiet before. I've always gravitated toward sound, music and the noisy places on Enterprise. But there is something more. I don't remember when it got here. There is white. A white light ahead of me. Or is it around me? I always wondered if there would really be a white light. Wonder if I'll meet my grandma. I walk quickly toward it, but I feel suddenly heavy. My limbs feel heavy and wet like I'm bogged down, with lots of wool that is soaked to the bone. For a second I consider just giving up and staying right where I am while I let the numbness settle over me again. Then I hear it and my heart skips a beat.

"Trip, please, just a little more" an angelic voice, thick with emotion I have never heard from her. T'Pol. If I didn't know better I would think she was begging, unashamed and pouring herself out to me. "Please."

Oh no, the urge to give up is absolutely gone. Hell no. This is far too interesting to just abandon now. Am I dreaming? Am I going to heaven? Why is T'Pol already there? I don't know as I claw my way closer to the light and when I touch it I am rewarded with an explosion of sensation. I no longer feel like I am being crushed or pushed down. I feel light; timeless somehow. Something is odd because I feel sensation again and I didn't really know I hadn't been feelin' it till right now. I feel my lungs fill with air and my body no longer aches. I look up and there she is. T'Pol. She is walking toward me, her hair is long, slightly past her shoulders and lighter in color. She looks almost the same otherwise, although she isn't in her uniform. She's in a long white dress and it is strange to see her that way. She looks innocent. Sweet. Human.

She smiles at me. "I am still Vulcan" She says, her voice still slightly crackling with emotion. Then again, her voice really wasn't. It was more like the air was charged with the emotion with her tone was as passive as ever.

"Don't sound like it." I tell her. A smirk plays on my lips as she steps forward. She wraps her arms around me, her grip tight and I feel a little lost. I must be dreaming, but I find myself concerned none-the-less as I wrap my arms around her slim frame in return. Her head barely comes to my chest and yet she feels like a perfect fit against me. "Hey, what's this all about." My voice is careful and gentle, I can't help feeling like I'm holding a scared little girl impersonating the strong woman I once knew.

I can feel her small hands practically clutching at me and I'm starting to worry. "T'Pol?" and then I feel it. In a rush. I feel her pain; the loss. She is standing with the Captain. They are in my quarters on Enterprise. She's packing a suitcase filled with my stuff. They are talking but it is whirling by so fast. And he hands her my Frankenstein figurine. Love that little guy. I feel her laugh in my arms, and I feel her struggle. Her emotions boiling and rolling with powerful waves of strong feelings I didn't always know she had. The power of it pushed through me, everything from guilt to pain, to hate, to anger and it is all emanating from inside me, and yet I know it is the T'Pol I'm seeing, the same and yet different from the one in my arms.

So I'm dead, she's dead and she's showing me this? I don't understand.

"Phlox never gave up." She whispered, and then I saw myself. Laying on a biobed, hooked up to machines that let me breathe and feed me. I'm laying there and I can feel T'Pol's horror and heartbreak. But she can't let me go. Then I see her, next to my bed, back ram rod straight, her hair just as I remembered it, just starting to show around her face. Just starting to relax around the humans she had grown to love. And I could feel it. Her love. For me. For humanity.

Then I could feel her fear. It exploded in her chest but her body didn't change it's position as she watched them wheel me away. They are taking me somewhere and her heart lurches at the sight of the doctor covered in surgical garments.

Then I see them, hugging. Archers arms are wrapped around T'Pol, her arms around him as well but I can feel her radiating discomfort, her remaining hurt. He looks so good in his dress uniform, his body wound and nervous. She thinks of me for a moment. She misses me, hates knowing I'm stuck in a bed with no brain activity and I'll never wake up. They can't even visit me because I never made it home. Denobula has a better chance of helping me and they made sure I went there, they were almost late because of me, again. I feel her hurt as she accepts Archer's touch. And yet it makes her uncomfortable. I watch him go to make his speech. He made it. The alliance was formed.

Then there is another rush that I recognize as we move through time. Archer is being promoted. They make him an admiral and I can see the grey in him has grown, his hair a little more peppered with the light color, but it looks good on him; distinguished. I see him sitting behind a desk and frankly I think he looks a little antsy there. I feel T'Pol's concern, because he is tired and he is lonely, he has never replaced me and it makes me a little sad to know that he never finds a friend, a best friend. He's lonely. But maybe I spoke to soon.

Now I'm somewhere else, I'm looking at a blank wall but when I turn around I see something I'm suddenly surprised to see. I don't know this place. But I certainly know Archer, I'd recognize him anywhere, and he is playing one hell of a round on tonsil hockey with a certain pointy eared Vulcan. I would feel a flare of jealousy but before I do I feel her. She misses me. He misses me.

"I'm not him" Archer says in his deep passion filled voice, and yet. There is pain there. So much pain there. I wish I could hold my friend and yet a part of me feels like perhaps this was a long time ago.

She tilts her head back, and on her face are the remains of tears. I feel her hurt. I feel her desperation for his comfort, for him. She loves him. I feel it. She loves him like she used to love me. She respects him, wants him and need him and yet I feel her torn heart. Because if she had to make the choice. She could never choose between him or me. She wished I wasn't laying helplessly on another planet. Wished I wasn't dead by all definition of the word, and yet she couldn't imagine the heartbreak the other way either. Standing with me she'd be missing the Captain and she knows it. "I'm not him either" She whispers. I watch them kiss, a little entranced really. I'm in a coma I guess, but hell I'm not dead, that is hot. I feel her chuckle against my chest, the T'Pol with long hair snickering at me and pulls me away from the scene of them kissing.

"Aww man, it was just gettin' good" I tell her, because I can't help smirking at her.

She doesn't blush but I feel the heat in the air and it forces her to think of them some more. I feel the time rush by and I come to recognize this room as their bedroom. They are in bed together, in the throws of passion and it's the only time she feels whole. She's letting herself go, and I remember the feeling of her, loving her and I suddenly miss her. Time shifts quickly and they are together, naked and beautiful, sweaty and tangled together. I can feel that she's happy, and then I notice they are piled on one side of the bed. They sleep like they are missing someone, physically missing someone. I feel something odd inside her and I really don't know what it means.

My heart jerks into my throat and my stomach flips over. Time rushes past and there is Archer bent by my bedside. God is that me? I'm old.

"Seven years." She whispers. "You've been asleep for seven years."

I feel time pulling past me and there is T'Pol standing on a beach. Florida. Home. The rush of bliss at being home is all me, and there is a similar rush of bitter sweetness from the woman in my arms. She stood there wishing I had been the one to take her there. It's the beach in the keys where I taught Jon how to dive. She smiles slightly to herself in the muted way only Vulcan's can do and sits in the sand watching Archer as he plays in the surf throwing a Frisbee. She doesn't really even remember what it is called at the time. I love to see she smiles more easily, the ache in her heart a little more healed, but there is a hole that she will not fill, refuses to. There is a piece she has given to me and I can see it plain as day. I watch the dog, at first I think it might be the cheese loving pup I once knew, but no. It's a puppy that can't possibly be Porthos, but a small beagle that warms my heart none-the-less.

We move. Her and Archer are standing on a grave. It isn't my grave, but my heart shatters a little as I see it. It's the Tucker family plot alright. Mom and Dad. I watch Archer place flowers by both headstones. He does it for me. I know that, and I'm thankful.

My heart is heavy as I realize how much I've missed. I can't help but wonder what else has happened and it falls on me in a rush Hoshi standing in a long white dress as she marries, three children. Reed is promoted and given a ship of his own where is stands tall and proud in his uniform in front of the Captain's chair, cool under pressure and far more optimistic in a crisis then back on shuttlepod one. Phlox returns to Denobula, not completely because of me, but I am the focus of his medical studies now. He never gives up. Travis meets his wife in a shuttlepod accident. The pilot runs right into her, literally. I flash through my friends. All Happy. All living now. I guess I was the one who didn't make it.

"Seven years?" I hear myself ask. "That's a long time…" I feel her pulling away, and find a little panic seeping into my conscience. "What changed?"

I feel the darkness coming again. "Wait…T'Pol, don't go" I can feel her smile and she stops for a moment, I'm on the edge of her white light, almost falling into the darkness

"Follow me" She asked, and I can feel her hope. She wants me to wake up. She thinks I can. I never thought to try before, never really knew I could before. Then again until she came I never knew I was asleep. But suddenly I want to. I want to be awake. I want to see Jon, I want to hold her with fingers that I know I still have. I step forward and I feel like there is a little wall of molasses. She takes an equal small step back and I follow. It is getting harder and harder. Each step feels like a mile.

I feel my knees hit something solid and I realize it's the ground. I didn't know I'd fallen. My brain is swimming and I realize I can't go any further. She steps back toward me. Her face is beautiful. I wish I could hold her. I wrap my arms around her and remember how she once felt, but it has the quality of a dream, of a memory from so long ago that's covered with a layer of dust and I wish it were real again.

"Stay here." She whispered, touching my hair with a few tender fingers. "I have to go, but I promise I will return shortly." I feel myself nod, even though staying here kinda burns. She turns and she goes. Before she came I was in darkness, black and whole and all consuming without a sense of time. Now I feel as if I am soaking in grey quicksand. I know that I am alive. I know that there is a world out there still, my world, My Jon, My T'Pol.

It feels like forever, wading through the grey. After a while I forget which direction is forward but I haven't moved so I just push more in the directions my toes are pointing. I go forward, inching with my toes toward a goal that seems to no longer be there. I want to wake up. I do. And yet I suddenly feel so sleepy. I don't want to fall asleep anymore. I don't want oblivion. I want to hold T'Pol. I want to see my best friend the way I remember him, easy and happy with a beer watching water polo. I want to wake up. My mind flashes to that memory, of their first kiss. It sears through me with the memory of her emotions. Torn and rocky on the surface. I remember her looking at Archer. His normally bright eyes dulled with pain and hate for the world around him. Bitterness destroying him from the inside out.

My dull grey world feels like it is getting smaller and smaller and this time, when she appears again she is all white like an angel, yet this time she isn't far away. She isn't miles and miles away. She's only a few feet and that is good, very good. I can hardly move and my mind is aching. But I want to wake up. I want to wake up because now I know I can and my life is passing me by. I can't just let it go like this. She looks at me and although here is no shock in her expression I can feel her surprise in the back of my head. I'm closer to her now than the point where she disappeared and she steps toward me quickly bending down. When did I get on the floor again?

I feel a little light headed with her close to me, especially now that fighting to wake up has made me dizzy. I realize that I want to kiss her. Then I see her with Archer again. With my best friend. They are both naked and their bodies are magnificent, sculpted and tone, twined together. I find myself remembering most strongly the image of her hand over his heart, his hand on top of her's. It's sweet and suddenly I realize that she is his now and I can't kiss her. I see her about to say something, about to move and just as suddenly I cut her off.

"Is this a dream?" I hear myself ask but I can't help it now that she's here. She is real, her mind is here. Sharp and honed, pouring with excitement and joy.

She reaches down and offers me her hand this time, and I reach up to take it. I feel her mind flood mine again. I see her curled on a bed eyes wet with unshed tears as she struggles to keep her world buried inside of herself. I see her cooking and she looses some control, in a sudden explosion of rage, grief and pain she grabs the hot cast iron skillet and slams the cooking tool into the deltaniam countertop. She stands taking deep calming breaths in the remains of shattered the stone and mutilated the hot pan as she recollects herself. I see her in Archer's office. He's younger again, close to the time I last saw him. He offers her a drink, the drink together. They don't smile and they don't laugh.

I feel a slow tug and then I see them in a strange hospital room. This room feels different then what I saw before. It doesn't have that layer of dust and time that colors every memory. T'Pol sat next to me on the bed, her hand on the side of my face, elegant fingers poised to access my mind. Then there is a flurry of activity and I see Archer rush into the room. His face is flushed and he's in his uniform, his Admiral's unifom, a bag slung over his shoulder. He drops the load quickly and walks toward the other side of my bed. He takes my hand and suddenly I feel it. Really feel it. Warmth, tightness. In my right hand. T'Pol is showing me what is happening right now. Archer is here. Right here. His heart is racing in her Vulcan ears and she gives a little quark of her lips which is a smile for her. Then she spoke and for the first time I heard it, with my ears not my mind. She is talking to Jon and the communication isn't in my head alone.

"He can feel your hand" Her actual voice is completely calm, perfectly Vulcan, but from inside her mind I could tell she was excited, shivering with anticipation.

I took another step forward and the world around me changed again, into T'Pol's mind. They were drunk. Smashed really, laying on the floor of a hotel room. He knew from the forlorn feeling that they had just visited him. I see T'Pol eyes closed as she tries to connect and there had been no result, and now they drowned out their misery together, soaked in alcohol on the Denoblian rug. "What would you do?" She asked, her voice slightly slurring from the drink, "if he woke up, right now."
Archer's voice was crooked and sore as he let out a quick hoot of a laugh and rolled over, swiping the liquor from the woman's hand. "I'd grab him and hang on. I'd never let go." Suddenly I know it is important to come back, and yet I'm not sure if she meant to show me this or not.

I feel the hand again as the memory fades from what T'Pol showed me. I feel lonely. Heart breakingly lonely and I know the emotion is mine and mine alone. I feel T'Pol's sadness over it but I push that aside and pour everything I have into pushing her back. Pushing her to where she came in. Pushing into the white light. If I stand there, I will wake up, won't I?

She doesn't answer and I sense she doesn't really know. At the same time as I push forward and pour everything I have into squeezing Jon's hand back. I know he's afraid and excited. But at least T'Pol knew for sure I am here and fightin' to get back. When I hit the sweet spot I realize I am sore. Sore and tired all over but my hand moves and the white of T'Pol's mind disappears.

"Can you open your eyes?" She asks me, her fingers brush my slightly damp forehead and run through my hair. I feel awkward and uncomfortable. I can't really breath right. Something is doing it for me. When I open my eyes the room is flooded with light. Bright overwhelming light and I grip Jon's hand tighter, but my muscles don't want to get tighter.

"Trip?" Archer says, close to my ear and I can feel his warmth and then his hand in my hair. I force my eyes open despite the sting, I want to see him. I feel like it was yesterday that I saw his face with a big red welt disappearing behind the chamber doors, and yet here he was, a little greyer in the temples, hair a little longer but still close cut, and the lines around his eyes were just a bit deeper. But that smile. The one that broke over his face when I looked at him was priceless.

I wish I could talk, I try and this thing down my throat is obnoxious and ridiculous. There are tears in Jon's eyes, and I can't imagine that it's been seven years for him. Seven years waiting for me to wake up. I lift my arm toward his face but the limb is clumsy and not very willing to respond. My hand flops up a few inches and back down. He somehow seems to understand and brings the hand to his face. I mean to brush his lips with my thumb in a very debonair fashion but my fingers haven't moved in seven years and they just twitch awkwardly along his cheek gathering some of the moisture there. Suddenly I am so glad that I am not dead I don't care about the tube or the soreness or the other tube, shoved god knows where, I am suddenly very aware of.

I am tired. Waking up is hard business. I let my eyelids fall and I feel Jon tense. I want to tell him I have no intention of leaving him but all I can to is open my eyes and hope he sees I am attempting a smile of reassurance, but even I can feel my facial muscles have no ability to make the expression, especially around the tube.

Then a voice I remember well. Doctor Phlox. "Alright now Admiral, T'Pol, I think if you wouldn't mind returning to the waiting room we can divest Mr. Tucker of some of his more, annoying, medical equipment and perhaps allow him some time to breathe on his own."

"Of course" T'Pol replied. Same old T'Pol, quick with a response and always sure of it. Archer was reluctant to let go of my hand, the older man's sentiment hitting my heart like a hammer. His hand trailed down the blanket over my body as he walked, a lingering touch that seemed familiar for him. I wonder how many times he did that while I was asleep how many times my eyes didn't follow his hand. At the end he gave me foot a squeeze and I forced my toes to try and curl. They barely twitched. I can see his smile and what looks like fresh tears in his eyes when he feels the motion.

Archer turns his worried green hazel eyes to the doctor. "How is he doing?"

Phlox looked up at the Admiral with his sharp blue eyes and a merry smile. "I'll let you know as soon as I complete my evaluation, now scoot."

I love the look of the older man taking orders and getting a scolding like a five year old. I watch him as he tenses and shuffles out. I forgot for a moment about the lack of response in my legs, at least my arms had moved a little. But Phlox is still examining me. He can fix it, I tell myself. He'll do an excellent job. He always does.

Smiling he leans over me and puts his hands on the tubing there. He explains what it is and asks me to breathe out when he removes it. I hesitate at the hiss of air and my lungs feel like they are being sucked out of me so I quickly complete blowing with a rush of whatever is left inside me. I cough and try to sit up but I don't seem to be able to get my abs to comply. "Calm down, take deep breaths now, everything is going to be alright." The doctor left a comforting hand on my shoulder and as I breathed I wondered if he even changed at all.

I listened, or tried to as he began to remove small sticky nodes from all around my body, examining them slowly as well as my skin. "Well Mr. Tucker, welcome back. There are some things you probably need to know, and I think you should attempt to believe me, I assume you will believe I am speaking in jest." He moved a chair slowly to the side of the bed and sat down, this conversation might be one of some length considering he is holding a padd undoubtedly containing my records. He tells me all the terrible things I would never want to know about when I was asleep. Almost seven years worth of injuries, surgeries, recoveries, complications, attempted treatments and failures. Evidently a mixture of hibernation drugs and electrical neural therapy will have kept my muscles from becoming completely useless but physical theory will still be required. At the moment I can't believe I'm alive.

I felt my chest as he tells me my lung is a transplant, but more than that…it's a mechanical one. I take a deep breath under my own power and attempted to feel the difference, but honestly, there was little. I felt like the air I breathed out might taste metallic but that also could be my imagination, it didn't seem to be there before now. "I don't know why we were unable to completely revive you from the coma. I don't know what went wrong" I could see the guilt in the doctors carefully schooled face. "However extensive testing and analysis brought us to a close solution and T'Pol was able to reach you with a mind meld. Her assistance has been most valuable."

I looked at him a little shocked. How long had she been there? How long had she been trying. I opened my mouth and made like I was going to talk but for a moment my muscle memory failed me and although I knew how to speak my mouth had just forgotten the appropriate way to go about it. It took me a moment but I finally slurred something out. "ow ong?"

Phlox smiled very wide, pleased. "Nine and a half days she has been attempting to reach you due to an increase in brain activity." He changed the subject quickly, knowing this information must be difficult to take in. "Your talking is actually quite good. I've given you some medications that should help your body functions return to normal quicker, but that can only add assistance to your physical therapy. You won't be capable of fine motor control until you proceed in relearning it all." The older man smiled that big smile, knowing that in seven years of lying still didn't change me a wink. "Please Mr. Tucker. At least endeavor to have some patience."

I watched him test me, just a few simple things to see the progress of my motor control upon waking and I watched my body fail and fail again. It's like honkin' at a car that won't move at a green light. Even when I lean on the horn nothing moves, only twitches.

When that was done he told me more. He shared what seemed like seven years of things that had changed me. Some of the experiments had permanent effects. Any dreams of being a deep sea diver was out, as well as a commercial flight attendant. "Massive changes in pressure, such as those of change altitude will only be possible in a controlled manner. Shuttlepods will be fine." He answered my unasked question. It's odd that after so long I was concerned about getting back into space. Old habits I guess. "But you will not be able to tolerate an EV suit, or any extreme fluctuation in atmospheric conditions."

In the end when he clicked off the light in the room and commanded me to get some sleep I tensed. What if I went to sleep and didn't wake up. He smiled at me and I knew he had just known my worry. "You'll be fine Mr. Tucker." He looked at me then, like he was really looking at me, something far more intense then I was used to. His seven year journey of trying to wake me up was finally over. "It's good to have you back."

When I closed my eyes I felt myself become dead to the world and part of me really hoped I would wake up again. Please let me wake up again.

My recovery is slow and I'm not the most patient individual, never have been, but somehow Archer makes it easier to wait. He spends the day next to me, prattling on about our friends and their lives. I wonder if this is how Porthos feels. Not being able to talk back. He is telling me the best stories though. One was of Malcom and Travis getting drunk off their asses at one of Archer's birthday parties and ending up on the floor with birthday hats everywhere. Of Hoshi standing up to the one of the other admirals and demanding to be listened to, later confessing she was scared out of her mind. He avoided my parent's death. He avoided telling me about him and T'Pol, I don't think he knows I know. He tells me very a little about himself the first few days.

I can't really talk at first, and it's hard to eat. I can't really get the stuff up to an in my mouth without it endin' up all over me. I think Its a little ridiculous that Admiral Archer feeds me, but I guess after so many years he won't look at me any differently and I'm glad about it. I hate that my heart picks up the pace and I can't forget the site of him kissing T'Pol, his hands on her. When he is so close to me I'm struck with the uncomfortable desire to kiss him, to know what he tastes like. At least I can't really talk even if I want to and it really does help me keep my big mouth shut. Eventually I have to depend on my self control to keep stupid things from spillin' outta me, and like always it isn't all that effective.

Thanks to Phlox the medication and muscle stimulants, eventually the physical therapy is showing signs of working and I feel like I have more control. I take every opportunity to move and keep moving. My hands are starting to work better, but my legs still don't take much weight. I refuse to take that as an answer though. I don't care how much it hurts. Honestly I kinda like the pain, reminding me I'm alive. I do more exercise than are recommended, I keep pushing myself to the point I can barely move, but I want to get better as quickly as I can and taking it easy doesn't seem like the right choice.

Jon told me that T'Pol was called back to duty, but she would be back soon. Jon seems to have more vacation time racked up and part of me wonders if he is ever took time off before now. I think I know the answer to that one.

He looked so nervous standing there in his civilian clothes, a button up shirt and soft tan slacks, and I realize I'm not used to seeing him without his uniform on, despite knowing him for so long I miss the site of him like this. For a moment I remember him from twenty years ago, laughing and drinking at a bar with me. I find myself missing him, despite the fact I haven't remembered the last seven years they seem to be painfully evident to me in the here and now. He fidgets as he speaks. "Doc says your doing great, if you want " his pause was far too hard for me to wait through, but somehow I bite my tongue and I let him finish. "If you want he's given you clearance to leave the hospital, come in weekly for physical therapy, but he thinks that maybe a relaxed environment might help you get better a little …faster."

I know I'm smiling at 1000 watts when the gesture spreads over my face and I can't help it, he's adorable when he's nervous. "You had me at leavin' the hospital."

They made me take a wheelchair, which is fine with me, I didn't really think I want Jon to see that I can't walk or stand for a long period of time yet. He takes me to a small house, and I'm a little surprised it isn't a hotel, but then I should have guessed there would be something a little more permanent. They have been visiting for quite some time now.

"The house is from Starfleet, we're on the embassy property." Jon explained as he pulled a small bag from the back of the car. I watch him move and I know that this is a house he visits often. I remember T'Pol's mind, this house was in it, her heart broken every time she visited. I refuse to just sit, my arms are better then my legs, but it is still a struggle to get them to push me forward. I ignore the burning in my muscles and I am determined to get through the door myself.

There is a small sparsely furnished living room, a couch, table and with a small empty white kitchen, There is a small dinning room table, with four chairs and a short hallway leading to a bathroom and two bedrooms. I roll myself down the length and stop at the juncture between the two open doors. One room has a small cot and a desk and I recognize a tattered old leather thing on the back of the chair as Jon's. He'd surely never get rid of that thing. The other room looked familiar, and I can feel myself flush at the memory from T'Pol's mind, her hair a little shorter then it is now, tangled with strong fingers in it, Jon's fingers as they kiss and he swallows her sweet little noises. They are naked and sweaty twined together and moving with a frantic pace, golden thighs spread wide over Jon's lap. I push the memory away, I'll surely pull it out later, but the memories are laced with what the gorgeous Vulcan felt at the time and there was no blocking the waves of ecstasy from that particular memory.

Jon's voice came from behind me, clear and gentle as it breaks through me recollections. "You'll be more comfortable in here" He takes control of the chair and helps me into the larger bedroom. The modestly furnished room the bed is unusually well covered and I smile at the uncurling memory of her packing up the sheets and blanket every time he left, giving him a smell of home, of her. There is a rationalization of course, that the smell and familiar texture provides humans with calming chemicals in their brains and may lesson the trauma of an emotional mission.

I feel his arms, gentle and careful as he wraps them around me and I feel his hesitation to touch me. He's so afraid I'll break, I wrap an arm around his neck and let him lift me up and into the bed. It is so much more comfortable than I thought it would be, but I guess I really don't know since I had been in the same spot for seven years and those biobeds aren't the most padded items I've ever been on. It's hard to wrap my mind around and I know I must have been a little spaced out because I hear concern in Jon's voice when he calls my name. I try to give him a smile to reassure him, but he doesn't move.

He's looking at me, just looking at me with those silver green eyes, just begging me for something, but I'm not sure what. He's so shocked I'm awake that he can't believe it. He just looks at me, and I feel the need to touch him. I can give him a smile and I can give him a touch. My hand finds his shoulder and I squeeze it tightly. "I'm really here Cap'in"

He cracks a smile, I must have guessed right because he nods knowing that he has been caught and moves to stand. "I'm not your Captain anymore Trip"

"Old habits die hard." I say with a shrug, sliding across the sheets and letting myself sink into the warmth there. He smiles and turns to go, and at that moment my heart speeds up. "Where are you goin?" I ask, feeling a little panic that his body clearly indicated he'll be leaving. I know it's irrational and almost childish but I really don't feel like being alone right now.

"I was just going to let you rest." Archer said with a little tilt of his head, almost gentlemanly.

I shrug. I am tried, and I should rest, but I don't want him to know that because I want to convince him to stay. "I got a lot of games to catch up on you know. Why don't you grab a beer and a game and join me?" I pat the bed next to me and I don't miss the flicker of a blush curling up on his face.

He smiles and nods. "I'll get that set up for you, why don't you just lay back and take a break, you've had a big day."

I give a laugh, and close my eyes. I am exhausted but my body betrays what my memory thinks I can do. "Yeah, big day, Shutting down a warp reactor overload, battling for the survival of the human race, saving innocent lives…doesn't hold a candle to getting discharged from the hospital."

I hear Jon's light chuckle as he flicks off the light and walks out. I struggle to stay awake. I want to be awake, and yet the world is pulling down on me again. I guess my lie is caught anyway, he did turn off the light after all.

I've always slept like a log, sound and deep, but and this time, the world of sleep crashes around me like a house made of glass. I wake up with my heart pounding as I hear Jon's voice and feel his hands tight on my shoulders, shaking me. "Cap'in?" I hear myself ask, but my voice is a little crackled. I open my eyes as he releases me, I see the fear flicker across his features and for a minute I wonder what's wrong, what happened and if the ship is in danger. Then I realize this isn't Enterprise, and the only thing that could be wrong is me. "What time is it?" I ask, groggy still as I rub my face and try and pull myself up with the petty excuse for abs that I have managed to build up in the last few weeks.

He shifts a little uncomfortable, worry still etched in his features and it makes him look older. Or maybe at this point it just shows his age. "You were asleep for 18 hours, I brought you something to eat, but I couldn't wake you up. I…"

I know what he thought. I know why he woke me up so suddenly. I offer him a little smile and roll toward him, instead of acknowledging it and calling him on his fears I look over at the tray. Catfish. My smile gets bigger. "Thanks' Cap'in I'm starving."

"Trip" He sighs, and I look up at him, realizing I called him by the rank he no longer holds, again.

"Sorry sir," I say with a little duck of my head. "Called you that longer than I called you Jon."

He smiles wide this time, a sparkle in his eyes as he seems to remember something pleasant. "Lets see if we can't get you used to my name again then shall we?"

I laugh a little as I sit up and look ahead at the new modest vid screen above the dresser where there wasn't one before. I smile wide and peek at my friend. "That what I think it is?"

He smiles and without a word helps me sit up, handing me the tray of food and talking at the same time "Computer. Resume playback."

I get comfortable, the hot smell of catfish wafting toward me smells like the real thing. I can't wait to taste it and I find myself smiling as the screen flickers to life and shows a water polo tournament just starting, of course Jon skipped all the fluff and got it right on to the action. This feels , almost normal really. I'm eating so quickly that it easily resembles shoveling the food into my mouth and it's hot, but it's good. "This…is fantastic" I mutter with my mouth open, sparing a glance at Archer. He's looking at me. Not at the game but at me.

I take a big swallow and let my plate settle in my lap. "You know, you act like I've grown a second head."

Jon smiles. He shakes his head nervously and readjusts himself. "I guess I can't believe you woke up. It's really good to have you back Trip." There is that look again. Staring, hard and long, and it almost feels like he is trying to split me apart and read my mind.

I can see he is a little embarrassed by the redness creeping in his cheeks. I am overwhelmed by the urge to touch him. To show him I'm here; I'm awake; I'm alive. I reach out and put my arm around his shoulder, I pull him in to me for an awkwardly positioned hug. His body slides closer, leaning against me and his hand slides over my chest. He's feeling my heart beat and I know he can feel it speed up. His breath is warm on my neck. I have to admit it feels good, to have someone close to me, holding me, touching me. He's gentle and it is nice. I don't ever remember our water polo watching being this intimate, but I don't care. I kinda like it. I move a little and get more comfortable, I don't let him go I just hold him there and toss another bite of potato into my mouth with my free hand.

I feel him chuckle against me but I know he can't see the screen, and it seems like he doesn't care. He's just there. Next to me, with me, and that's the way I like it. I finish my food and watch the game, but somewhere through it I feel tired, and fall asleep curled up against my warm companion. I don't know I fell asleep until I wake up to the humor filled voice of Jonathan Archer. "Eww…Trip. Your drooling on me."

I pull my head up and look down at his shirt, where a lovely little pool of droll spreads over the fabric. I drag myself up with a lopsided smile. "I guess your just droll worthy sir."

He laughs at that, but I guess he doesn't know I'm serious. I know that Jon doesn't realize it, but I am not blind enough to ignore how attractive the older man is. He always has been and he still is. I try and push off that thought, the idea that I find him attractive isn't disgusting to me, or odd at all really, it's just useless to think of it, as useless as thinking of T'Pol. Maybe I ask because I'm still half asleep, maybe I ask because he doesn't believe how attractive he is, either way the words fall out of my mouth and I can't stop them, but I never really tried to keep anything from him before so why would I start now. "So when you gonna tell me 'bout you and T'Pol?"

I feel him stiffen next to me and I find myself smirking. "What? You didn't think my powers of perception were that sharp?" I can hear the mirth in my own tone, but I want to hear what he has to say so I try and shut up.

"I…" He starts and then stops. He doesn't know what to say. Is he ashamed of her? She's beautiful and she's smart and she's more passionate then anyone would guess. He'd be damned stupid to not be shouting his pride from the rooftops, especially since they been together for years.

"Hey, what's the deal, you didn't have problems telling me about girls before…" I ask him, a little more awake as I stretch out in the bed letting the hospital issue shirt ride up my tummy. I look over at him, he is tense and nervous. No longer relaxed at all.

"Nothing…I just…How did you figure it out?" He seems so shocked I can't lie to him, hell I never really lied to Jon anyways.

"T'Pol was in my head remember. She's couldn't help showing me some stuff…interesting memories to say the least." I find myself smirking and the light in my eyes must give it all away because he is bright red and his eyes are wide. "What's wrong Jon, gettin' shy on me now?"

"I just…I didn't want to hurt you, thought I'd give you some time to get used to being awake again before…" Archer was distinctly uncomfortable and I felt my heart go out to him.

"Jon, we were over years before I blew up that hallway…" I tell him, my heart a little tight at the truth in those words. I never wanted us to be over. But T'Pol made it clear that we were. She locked her mind away from me years before and seemed determined never to open that door again. I literally had to be in a coma for seven years for her to break down that wall she built.

He looked at me then, with those stone hard eyes, "We both know you still loved her. She broke your heart and you stayed friends but that woman crushed you and left you on the floor for a long time and you never got over it." I can feel the sting in those words, not that he wanted to hurt me. I knew it was the truth. I turn to the side table and hide my face in the glass of water. It did hurt. She married someone else. She kept turning me down. I thought it was because I was human, but if she could be with Jon, then it was because I am me. I am the wrong kind of human. She pushed me away and yet through all that bullshit I still needed her. I needed her so bad like an ache in my chest and I know that I need it again. I wasn't good enough for her then, and I'm not now. My heart is so empty and I don't wanna be alone. But she belongs to Archer now. Jonathan Archer and T'Pol. They were together and they were happy and I had no right to mess that up.

"She is happy with you." I hear myself say before I really think to speak, and I know it's true. God I know it and it suddenly hurts a little. I felt it when she made love to him. Felt it when she packed these sheets for him. Suddenly I have to stand cause these sheets aren't for me and they make me warm inside 'cause they smell like her and him and I shouldn't get to feel that. I push myself out of the bed and ignore the fact I stumble a little bit. "I never made her as happy as she is with you-" I almost call him Captain again. "Jon." I grab my empty glass and make like I'm gonna refill it. I honestly don't know if I can make it down the hall to the little kitchen without stretching and working my muscles up to the task of walking. I should still be a bit groggy, but I feel wide awake now. "That's all I ever wanted for her, or for you." I look at him cause I can't help it. "Please tell me your happy with her."

He looks at me, almost heartbroken. I don't know what I said to make him so sad, but I almost wish I could take it back. "Trip…"

"No." I say, cutting him off. "She is yours, you know we'd never work out anyways." I stop looking at him cause I'm worried he'll see right through me. "I'm all human and emotion on a stick and a short fuse. She's Vulcan." I shrug it off like we both don't know how passionate she is, how Vulcan emotions and human emotions are the same damn thing and under all that hard skin she still feels them ten fold. She just hides it so much better. Yet in her head I could never deny how expressive she is."I'll always have a bond with her, but…you two are gonna be happy together and I ain't gonna mess with that." I turn to walk out, feeling uncomfortable and pinched in the chest, I want to get out of here. I wish I could really run right now, that might even feel good. I'm such a coward.

"Trip." I hear my name and he's right behind me, he can move so much faster but I give myself props for the steady was I walk even if it is slow. I feel like he's gonna say something. Gonna say something big, but he doesn't. He just looks at me with those sweet little hurt eyes and I want tell him it's okay. So I do.

"It's okay Jon. Really. It's been years since we were together. She is all yours. I'm not mad. Really." I know I'm not mad. I'm just a little sad. Not just over T'Pol. Over him. I realize it like a ton of bricks crashing over me. Jon never had a girl he couldn't talk to me about. He was holding back from me over her. That didn't make me angry. It made me sad. His love for her, meant more to him than me. It shouldn't hurt. Of course eventually a girl will come first. Yet. That pain in my chest doesn't listen to my head and it never did.

I leave him there, not knowing what to say. I feel like I've pushed him away but I told him what he needed to hear, what he wanted to hear. Didn't I? I go to do some more work on my body. I need to feel something real, even if that is pain.

~oOo~

I feel dirty, I need a shower. Now this is where it gets a little complicated. In the hospital there was a sweet little nurse that gave me a sponge bath but somehow I can't bring myself to ask Admiral Archer to wash me. Friends for twenty years and I can't possibly ask him to rub me down with a sponge, maybe somewhere in the back of my head I know I'll enjoy it just a little too much. So for the last few days I've said nothing, and now I think we both know I smell. I've been fine standing up for a while and my therapy is progressing well, so I decide I can handle the shower. I ignore the nagging bit in the back of my head that tells me I know this is wrong if I wait till Jon is off somewhere else. I must know it's not a good idea if I don't tell him. I must know it's stupid if I do it behind his back. But just like me I ignore the feeling, ignore what I know and pull myself out of bed. On the way to the bathroom I strip myself slowly of the my barrowed loose sweats and shed them onto the floor.

Man, I'm skinny, and I'm old. I look in the mirror and run my fingers through my hair, the color slightly darker, with grey just coming in to my side burns. My once perfectly sculpted chest and arms feel flabby with weakness even though the look relatively tone still. Phlox told me muscle doesn't die and the chemicals he gave me for so long prevent atrophy when combined with electrical muscle stimulation. I tense my muscles and see the product of the last few weeks of physical theory. That helps my confidence, but it takes me several tries to remember how to use my muscles the right way. Maybe I'm just being hard on myself. I rub my legs and I feel the tenderness in the muscles. I consider sitting down but I didn't strip naked just to sit around, I want a shower.

I step under the spray and take a long deep breath. The water is warm and heavenly- no it's hot, bordering on burning as it runs down my body. I close my eyes and feel myself wobble a little. But it feels good after the work I've done today. I realize a little too late that I can't get up to rubbing myself with soap, but this is so enough. I press my arms against the wall and feel it boil into my muscles. It alleviates the soreness but my head is a little dizzy. Damn. I didn't realize it was too hot till it was too late. I was dizzy, I was weak and then I was falling. My hands shot out and smacked into the unyielding tile and I hear the clatter of bottles of soap on the shower floor. My hand gropes for the shelf and I barely stay up. I try to turn the water colder but it is too late and I know I'm going down.

"Holy shit Trip!" I hear just as two strong warm arms wrap around my chest. They lift me up holding my weight easily and I struggle to breath and ease my spinning head. "What the hell where you thinking?" He demands.

"I was dirty…" I tell him, opening my eyes and looking at him through the wash of water. Oh god he is hot. He has all his clothes on and they cling to him like a second skin. I can see his chest, muscled and carefully well maintained, his arms tight around me, and pulled tighter with the strain of lifting me although I can't be that heavy anymore. I can feel his wet slacks against my legs, sinking against the straining leg muscles and I suddenly imagine them wrapped around me, for the love of god what am I thinking? I was breathing hard and I realized that now, not only was I weak, I was starting to get hard. Shit. Excellent. Just….excellent.

I'm worried now with him pressed against me that he knows precisely what I am thinking. I feel like I need to stand on my own and I struggle to do just that, but he's insistent as he takes my weight and pulls me out from under the hot spray. Cool air shocks my skin and makes me jump. Archer must have left the door open in his haste to catch me. Not that I mind, better than being in a jumbled heap of broken bones and tangled limbs on the floor.

He pins me up against the counter, half keeping me upright, half keeping me still as I try and push him away, but I'm not being stubborn or mean or anything of the like. I am just trying to keep him from noticing the effect his touch has on my body. I don't want to have to explain this because I don't think I can. I don't think I understand completely. Then his hands are on me again, all tenderness and care as he strokes me through a soft cotton of a towel. He feels my little shiver and quickens his pace. He doesn't seem to know that the shiver is from him. I don't know why I'm thinking about him this way. I don't know why I suddenly want him.

It isn't like in the last twenty years I'd never considered it. Loving a man has never been off the table, you love who you love and I never had any expectations on who that would be. The subject of intimacy was something although I only knew the theory I was perfectly willing to experiment with. I had thought about Jon before. Dreamed of him sometimes. Sometimes just faceless fantasies that were too similar to his perfect body to deny. But after the difficulties with T'Pol, I really put a lot of effort into making sure that any on board romances where stifled before they started. Yet suddenly, as Archer keeps reminding me, I realize he is no longer my captain, and man oh man he is warm. His chest pressed against mine, body weight holding me up as his hips pin me to the counter. Any moment he'll move and he'll feel how hard I'm getting. Why not? He is beautiful and I suddenly realize I've been asleep for seven long years and I want to feel awake again. I want to feel alive again. I want to be on fire, consumed by it and bathed in it and with the memory of T'Pol and her burning passion fresh in my mind, before I can stop myself; I'm kissing him.

Wet hungry lips on wet hungry lips, he's soft but somehow in a different way than I am used to and he's a little shocked. I take advantage of his hesitation to plunder the slightly open orifice. His tongue is warm and yielding in his mouth, teeth smooth and wet. He's warm to the touch even under the cooling wet clothing and when he starts to move I could swear he's on fire. I know that I'm still physically weak but there is no question as to what makes me dizzy when he devours my mouth. Tongue pushing into me, hands on my hair. His thumb strokes my cheek and his lips pull my lower one into his mouth. He sucks it and slides his teeth along the prone flesh a little, which makes me want to moan, so I do. I shift my hips and press my naked hard flesh into the slickly coated thigh and I can feel him more then I hear him. The rumble, low in his chest a sound that is suddenly heavenly to me and I want to make him sound like that again. I don't care anymore about anything but making the beautiful man in front of me moan. He wasn't my captain anymore. He was a man. A man I'd dreamed about. A man I'd fantasized about. A man I'd seen naked a hundred times and yet never failed to take my breath away.

Naked. Naked, God he needs to be naked. I yank at the wet buttoned mess covering his delicious flesh and I struggle. I want to taste him and touch him. I break the kiss, lips slightly numb from the constant pressure and gasp for air as I focus on the peeling of the fabric away from heavenly flesh. I can taste him in my mouth, his stunned shock mixed in with something salty and deep. He's definitely not a woman and I realize suddenly I think I like that difference. "Stop" He whispers. I don't listen because I don't want to. I ignore him and keep pulling, sure that the word I heard was wrong. I kiss him again, trying to make him swallow that word. He kisses me back a second time, but the fire is buried under a wet blanket and his hands are on my wrists stopping me effectively. I don't have anywhere near the muscles strength to wrestle what I want out of him and I curse that stupid ass coma, not for the first time. "Stop" He repeats, a soft whisper against my lips as he pulls me into his arms, cold clothes slightly burning against my heated skin.

I close my eyes tight. God this is embarrassing. I want to run but I can't. He's still pinning me to the counter and my erection is still pressed up against him. I'm still hard, and I as I sit there struggling to breathe and staring down at Jon's chest I realize what I just did. I just kissed him, and it was the hottest kiss I've ever had and he stopped me. My stomach sinks with a sickening feeling and that urge to run has never been stronger. What do I do now? Apologize for something I'm really not sorry for? I take a few deep breaths, trying really hard to will away the hardness between my legs. I try and shift to pull away from him but he is holding me oddly tight.

"Your shaking…" He whispers, a statement not a question as he wraps the towel around my waist, I don't look up at him and I don't want to see his face. I guess I'm shivering, and I focus on the cold of the room, rather than the heat of Jonathan Archer and that helps. It also helps that I'm pressed against the towel now and not his heated body. I soften a little, but it's difficult when he's still holding me. "Your tired…" He continues, and I feel my heart skip at his words. "When your feeling better…"

"I feel fine." I blurt it out like a petulant five year old child. I look up at him and see his look of warmth. Please don't let me be imaging this. I lean forward and kiss him again. Soft and slow this time. I can taste him again, warm and wet and willing as he let me in. His lips play on mine, tender and gentle. He takes a small step back, not enough to pull away from the kiss as I attempt to follow him, but enough to illustrate his point as the moment my legs take on too much weight I begin to crumple.

Our kiss is broken when I fall away, drooping a foot down his chest, but he knows it's going to happen and he catches me again. His hard warm arms around me. "When your better." He repeats and I spare a glance up at him. He's looking at me with such a strange smile. I thought I knew all his smiles. Then I am reminded that he isn't mine, he's T'Pol's. Just as much as I can't have her because she belongs to my best friend. He belongs to her. Shit. Despite his words I know he's not mine. Not really. Maybe he's considering giving me a pity fuck. I feel like I might just take one. God, I just did the stupidest thing in…well at least seven years, and I want to do it again. I feel like I am seventeen and blush at the thought of taking care of my problem by my self when Jon is in the other room, I know I'd be thinking of peeling off those wet clothes and- shit gotta get back into the conversation Tucker! "It's just too much steam." I tell him, dismissing my weakness.

"It's too much, too fast Trip." Jon says softly scolding. I can hear in his voice he knows I'm right. The steam made me light headed and I fell. I'd been doing a lot of walking today. I should have been able to do it. "You should try a bath first, maybe later" He says as he wraps an arm around my waist and pulls me back onto my feet.

I struggle to steady myself and with the fresh air from the bedroom it is working. I'm becoming stable again. I also feel like I'm becoming more sober. No longer drunk on the feel of Jon I am completely embarrassed. I can't even look at him. "I think I'll take a nap" I tell him, and accept a little help as I struggle back toward the bed. I plan on sleeping until the cows come home. I miss the blackness now. God damn I am an idiot. I saw him, felt him, with T'Pol. He doesn't want me. He never wanted me. I tell myself I didn't want him either. I was just horny and I was naked and he was there and…and I know it's a lie. I try not to think about the truth though. I try to just breath as I crawl under the sheets. They are warm, and that is good. I close my eyes. I want to sleep. I want to just pass out and wake up tomorrow and pretend to forget. Forget what Jon said. Forget how Jon tastes. Forget.

~OoO~

I wake up naked and slightly chill despite the blanket. Oh. Cause I kicked the blanket off. I sit up groggy and blink hard in the soft light. Something woke me up. I wonder what it was and glance up. Jonathan Archer is staring at me. He's got a tray of food and he must have knocked or just come in, I don't know. I guess that woke me up. Now that I am up however, I wonder how long he's been there. Staring at my completely naked body as it was strewn across the bed. I grab the blanket and pull it over my waist with a flush. I glance up at him and he is blushing, but he's still staring at the place my body is, hiding under the covers. I can't tell what that look is. I wish I could read him like a book. I never interacted with him quite like this. I want that look to be that blush he gives a girl he likes. The one right before he asks her to dance…drink…or come home with him. I'm pretty sure it's more like the one where he is damn embarrassed to walk in on a naked man sleeping, one who had just tried and miserably failed to seduce him.

Seduce him? Did I really try and get in his bed? The extremely horny seventeen year old in me says hell yes. But the logical part of me that is here in the bedroom blushing at his stare pushes the 17 year old aside and sits up with a slow stretch of my muscles. "What ya got there?" I ask, my accent thick from sleep. The sound of my voice seems to startle him into moving, and I suddenly wonder how long he was there. Was it really just a second? I kinda wish it wasn't. I kinda wish he wanted to look at me as badly as I want to look at him. I remember kissing him with a flush of heat and then I remember him telling me to stop. It's like a bucket of ice water spilling over my heart. He pushed me away, told me to stop. God I wanted him. I still want him. It's ridiculous. I push down the feeling and pull the blankets a little tighter around me as I sit up leaning against the headboard a little straighter. He hands me the tray in a now familiar gesture.

"Just a little breakfast. I..think we need to talk." He paused with an awkwardness that reminds me how much I messed up. I don't look up, I just start picking at the fluffy eggs.

"We don't need to talk Jon. I owe you an apology. I was just bein' stupid. I've been asleep for seven years, it's just a bodily needs thing. Don't worry about it. It was nothing" There is a long pause and I feel him squirm a little bit.

"Trip…please…" He starts but I can't take his guilt and his talking. I need to be alone. I need him to leave me alone. I knew the Archer from seven years ago so well. I knew every word and every phrase and everything he did and now, I feel like I don't know this man at all. He's not the same, cause people change in seven years. He's not the man I was so close with, and I'm a stupid fool to try and pull a stunt like I did in the bathroom.

I interrupt him, my voice bordering on cold. "Don't, no need to apologize. You stopped me from makin' a fool outta myself, I should be thanking you."

There is a long silence. One that isn't comfortable for me. I don't know what he's thinking and I don't want to look up at him. I feel so completely confused, and yet the one thing I remember is the feeling of T'Pol kissing Jon. Loving him and the wave of love coming off of him. They were in love. They were together. Are together. I can't mess with that. Not in a million years. So I don't look at him when he talks, "I need to go onto the base for a little while this morning…you gonna be okay by yourself."

I'm not a child. I give a soft snide form of a laugh and repress the urge to make a shower joke, it's a little too soon, yet I never held back from Jon before. "I'll be fine Cap'in"

He hesitates but nods and walks out. He didn't bother to correct my use of his former rank. I have a sickening feeling that he doesn't like it. That maybe…I hurt him.

~OoO~

It's feels like an eternity, alone in this house by myself when I hear the door open. I almost bound out of bed, but try and calm myself down. I wipe my palms on the clean sweat pants and the shirt that I barrowed from Archer's closet and I know he won't mind. I'm hoping we can watch a game, veg around maybe even share a beer tonight. I want to be his friend again. I want to make us whole again. I want to make this right. Maybe we could go back to the way it was and we could just ignore the fact I was ever so crazy. Yet I'm not sure I really can though. I think I love him. I know I love him, and I know, at least seven years ago, he loved me as a brother. Maybe I can hide the 'I wanna fuck your brains out' love somewhere in the 'your such a good friend' locker and we can make this work. But do I wanna make it work like that? Yeah. I decided a long time ago having Archer for everything but that one thing, was better than not having him at all.

Yet when I turn the corner my heart skips a beat. It's not Jon. There stands T'Pol. For the first time since I was barely conscience, she is standing in front of me and in a rush I remember her in my head, holding me in her arms showing me her love for Jon. She had misses me. She had loved me. Now she loves Jon. I let myself crack an easy smile at her, wanting to ease the tension in her shoulders. I may have been able to read her subtle gestures seven years ago, but right now she smiles. No really, her lips pull up slightly in the corners and her eyes shine and I can …feel the joy in her spilling over into my head from a bond still newly refreshed. It's stronger somehow. I wonder absently if it was this strong before and just blocked, or if it was stronger now from all the failed attempts to reach my broken mind in the last seven years.

I try hard to push it down. I don't need her excitement confusing me, yet in an instant she has closed the distance and she's kissing me. Her lips hot and passionate and so insistent. I don't really want to push her away. I don't want to say no and I try not to kiss her because she's not mine.

"Not yours?" She asks, voice soft and confused as she pulls away her eyes piercing and deep. "Of course I am yours." I can't help it that those words make me hard. I know what she means and I know what she wants and for god's sake I want to give it to her. I want to bend her over and take her right here right now. And as her grin spreads I know she's lurking around in my head listening to my lewd thoughts.

"No T'Pol…Your Jon's" I can hear the little pang of hurt in my own voice and I wish I wasn't so easy to read. I just need to make myself less readable. I push my thought down and away, concentrating on something different something white and calm and neutral. I build the wall this time, a wall between our minds.

She looked up at me a little shocked. "Your trying to hide from me?" Her face looks a little hurt and I want to hug her hard, but somewhere I know better, I pull away from her slowly and give her a little smile.

"You pulled me up from nothin', and Jon has taken great care of me and for that I can never repay you. But this…" He gestured between them. "You ended this a long time ago and your Jon's now, you live with him, sleep with him. God damn it T'Pol…you love him and your bonded to him far stronger than you ever were with me. You'll be far better off without me bitin' your head off all the time but more importantly. Jon is my best friend and would never sleep with his wife. If given the choice again I would jump in front of a phaser blast a hundred times over for that man. My feelin's are all mixed up and to be honest I can't stop thinking about eith- it doesn't matter. I know one thing for sure and that is I don't belong getting' in the way of you two." I feel a little dejected but I keep my voice resolute as I turn. I won't lie that I am shocked to see Admiral Jonathan Archer was directly behind me.

I didn't hear him come in, I didn't hear him there at all and I wonder how long he heard our conversation, I wonder if he saw her so close to me, worse if he saw the kiss. Jon always had been the jealous type. The possessive type. I wonder if he thinks I did something that I did not do. I can feel the panic rise in my chest and I work to squish it down. He has an odd smile on his face as he walks closer to me and I recognize it a little. Amusement? "She isn't actually my wife." I feel a blush creep into my cheeks. I guess he heard plenty. "And you are still a stupid stubborn son of a bitch" He finishes by closing the distance between the two of us and pulling me tight against him. He has a few inches on me and then of course there is my surprise. I don't stand a chance at refusing him when his mouth moves down against mine.

My mind is swimming a little bit. Jon is kissing me. His hand are strong and spread in my hair, his lips delicate but firm against me as he explores my mouth slowly. I want to pull back and I know I shouldn't be doing this, but it feels good and I've never really been one to listen to my conscience all the time. He's soft and he's warm and he's sweet. The air from him seems to be all I can breathe and I want him so suddenly I feel my stomach clench and my blood respond by heading south. It's different then the kiss I forced on him. It's different and it's amazingly hot. He lightly pulls back his lips still open and his breath still whispering over my skin when he stops only inches away. I can't open my eyes because if I do I don't know what will happen.

I just want to hold on to the feeling inside me, his hands in my hair, on me. I keep my eyes closed as I hear him speak, voice gentle and soothing despite his words. "You never could pay attention. Even when it was important."

I hear T'Pol with an edge of humor in her voice as she stepped up behind me, her hands soft as she places them on my shoulder blades. "Especially when it is important." Her breath was suddenly on the back of my neck as she breathed, the soft sound of her throaty voice sending a shiver down my spine. "We did not wait seven years for you to wake up in order to let you simply walk away and leave us all over again."

Us. We. Shit. I can't help my heart pounding in my chest at those words and I certainly can't help my hopes are starting to climb up the walls like vines. "I don't think I understand" My eyes are still closed as I feel one of Jon's hands come up to tilt my chin toward him. I feel compelled to take a peek. His smile is soft, his eyes intense and shinning at me, god he's beautiful. I feel T'Pol chuckle behind me and his eyes dart to her over my shoulder. He smiles, as if she spoke, but I didn't hear her.

"Beautiful?" he asks, voice gravely against my neck as he leans down close to my ear. I feel my face flush hot and I realize that with T'Pol's touch she can read my stronger thoughts, but her communication with Archer seems much more vivid and voluntary. "I really thought I'd get something more like dashing," his lips made the briefest whips of contact and I know he is teasing me. "or sexy, maybe even handsome." Then his lips are against my skin and his wet soft tongue make me hyper aware of the pulsing in my veins.

Holy shit. Holy shit. I feel a little bit of panic rise up in my chest. It hits me like a ton of bricks as the world seems to change a little around me. I hear T'Pol's voice calm and cool but comforting at the same time. "Jonathan," Her hand moves from my shoulder blade to his hand, stilling the older man's limbs in their decent on my side. I feel a little thankful for a moment to think and breath and wonder if perhaps T'Pol was asking him to have patience with me. I try for just a second to think clearly. Jonathan Archer, my best friend is right in front of my face, waiting for me. Isn't this what I wanted yesterday? Isn't this what I wanted in the bathroom? Isn't this what I thought I couldn't have? He's solid under his uniform, chest tightly pressed against me and I feel myself having difficulty breathing. But I can have it. T'Pol is right behind me, her body warmly pressing into me, it's soft and delicate. I feel Jon pull away a little, giving me space enough to breath and yet his arms stay around me. Is this real?

"Yes" Comes the Vulcan's voice, gentle and soft. She's calm. Waiting. She understands for me it hasn't been seven years. I haven't been waiting for them for that long. Yet I have haven't I? She turns me in Jon's arms, but he doesn't let go. He doesn't back away. He holds me close letting me know he's still there as her fingers grace my face in a gentle touch. I have a rush of feeling in my heart as I realize what is really happening. How long did I love her? How long did she not let me near her enough to love her the way I wanted to? I lean down and claim her lips with the slight fever. On Enterprise I knew I love her, but I also knew I couldn't have her, because of her stubbornness, her fear and her inhibitions. Yet like night and day, she was standing here, ready for me to love her. Ready to love me back? "Yes" She repeats, breaking the kiss for a moment to let out the word she knows I need to hear and yet I know she may not know my precise thoughts she can feel the doubt coming off of me in waves.

Jon. His hands moving slowly over my hips, his thin lips touching the back of my neck as I bend down to kiss the woman in front of me I feel him heated against my back. Jon. On Enterprise I knew I loved him. Knew I would spend the rest of my life with him, but not until recently did I know I wanted him…in this way. Evidently he had time to realize it far sooner than I did. Seven years asleep will do that to you. My heart is still pounding but I feel less like I am panicking and more like I am being kissed into oblivion. Her lips are full and soft and her mouth is responsive under me. My hands bury into her long hair and I feel myself spin a little. Holy shit I can't believe this is real. I break the kiss and take a deep breath. My senses are overloading as his hand slips up from my waist under my shirt and across my abs. "Holy Hannah…some one pinch me…"

"Gladly" Archer replies as he reaches down and pinches my ass, hard. It makes me jump but also brings a smile and a laugh to my face. T'Pol on the other hand lets out a slow blink and her eyebrows raise and knit together slightly asking me with the most demur seriousness, "Who is Hannah?" Is that jealousy I hear in her voice? I must admit I am surprised at their reactions and the familiarity in it reminds me these are the people I know, and in my heart I know just what I want.

My mind is made up, and as I always do when my mind is made up I dive right in. My hands frame the slender woman's face and I claim her plump lips as mine. She tastes like cinnamon and honey and although Jon is still warm against my back, she is hot. She is burning and desperately hot as I feel her in the back of my mind inching in. Passion, heat and another sensation is soft and curling as it slips into me reaffirming my confidence. I feel a sudden desperation to touch her, hold her, be inside her and then I remember quite strongly that there is another set of lips I would like to devour.

I break our kiss and turn, slamming my lips hard against Jon. His skin is warm and wet but not as burning as T'Pol's and the sudden touch seems to give him the permission he was waiting for. Jon's body moves closer, pushing me backward and my hands move under his dress uniform pushing off the jacket quickly and efficiently. I want him naked. Now. I feel T'Pol move aside and somehow I don't know we are moving until I feel the bed bump against the back of my knees. "Are you sure your feeling up for this?" He asks, mouth breaking away in a violent struggle for air.

I feel myself groan, the blood filling my lower body and my pants are straining with the hardness of my cock. I blink hard and I look up at him with a lopsided smile. "Come on Cap'in…you ain't gonna leave me like this?"

He smiles lowers slightly as his eyes cast down. He pulls off his shirt and discards it in an easy motion, my eyes are caught by his chest. He's just the same as I remember, sculpted with tight muscles and a light dusting of hair across his skin, the color now slightly peppered with silvery strands. "Wow…" I whisper, and he smiles at me then. I don't hesitate to leer at him openly. My hands touch him slowly, carefully tracing his muscles, God he was beautiful, and I feel like my breath is stuck somewhere in my throat. I lean forward and kiss his collar bone, tongue tracing the path slowly exploring him. I want to touch him all of him and I'm absorbed by the thought of him coming. I want to see him in the throws of ecstasy. I can remember what he looked like in the memory T'Pol shared with me, but I'm selfish. I want to hear him scream my name.

I feel two small hands, soft and careful coming around my waist from the bed and I don't suppress the groan that slips past my lips. Her hands are hot and soft exploring my sides and stomach and I feel her hands slides down the V of muscle that leads from my stomach to tighter places. Her hands are so hot as they sink below the surface of my sweat pants and I gasp as she wraps those hot hands around my straining flesh. "God damn T'Pol" I rasp out, my voice harsh with heady lust as I breath out and struggle to breathe back in. She gives me a stroke and immediately she's driving me crazy. I think she knows it. I feel another set of hands come up and pull off my shirt and I open my eyes again. I really wish that there was more time, I want to take it slow, learn every inch of them, but I'm almost worried that I'm going to come already.

At that thought the woman's hot hand moved away and pulled my pants slowly down, peeling them off my skin and dropping them to the floor. I'm naked in the cool air of the room and now it is Jon's turn to stare at me with lust flaming in his eyes. His muscles tense in obvious display of restraint as he takes a few deep breathes. His pants are straining and I am struck with the sight of his uniform pants stretching under the pressure of his arousal underneath. I reach out with one hand and yank at the top button letting it come apart with a pop. I glance up at his eyes as I unzip him and take a step forward to press against him and push down what is left of his clothing. I feel T'Pol slid in behind me. Her hands are on my back again and her body is pushing flush against me. This is almost too much for me when I feel Jon's hardness come into contact with my abs, pushing against me and I close my eyes as he claims my lips again, slower and deeper, tongue delving into my mouth and pushing deeper, exploring me and making my blood boil.

He breaks the kiss with me and I feel myself being pulled around. The smaller woman looks up at me with bright brown eyes and kisses me. I am a little shocked at the ferocity in which she claims my mouth. The same passion that she had years ago burns and simmers just below the surface. I am lost in her then, her body already shed of it's clothing she presses up against me and I wrap myself around her. This is so much. This is too much. Her body slides up against me and his is behind me and I suddenly feel so overwhelmed I am almost light headed. Then I realize I am light headed. Jon's arms are under me quickly and T'Pol has a grip on me, her unusual alien strength suddenly very useful. They lower me gently to the bed and I struggle to breathe. Shit Shit Shit. This is not happening.

I push down the panic in my gut and force air into my lungs. I feel better laying down and when I open my eyes I find T'Pol looking at me with quiet eyes, and Archer's concern shinning through strongly. Shit. I'm such a wuss. "I'm sorry" I gasp out feeling a bit better now, and really not wanting to stop, but part of me knew they wouldn't let it happen now. I cover my face, flushed with embarrassment "It's just too much, too fast."

Jon laid a careful hand on my chest waiting for my breath to calm down. He looked guilty suddenly and closed his eyes, pushing down his arousal and I know then the fun is over. What might be my only chance to have a tumble with the two hottest people I have ever known, hell my first threesome and I wrecked it by being weak and sick. Damn it all. "It's alright" He tells me, stroking slowly at the muscles there and making me groan. "I hate to say I told you so, but in fact, I told you so just yesterday."

T'Pol 's hand joined his. "He never was a patient man." She whispered stroking my chest softly. "He seems to be having trouble maintaining proper breathing."

I'm still hard as a rock. I'm still naked. Jon's still naked. T'Pol's still naked. Don't forget the fact they are touchin' me. I close my eyes taking deep breaths and then those soft hands moved lower. "When your better" She told me, waiting until I was calmer before her hands stroked my stomach. The sensation of two hands was damn nice. Jon's hand is warm trailing across my chest in a firm pattern, while T'Pol's is flesh hot as it stroked across my stomach delicate and tender.

"You two are killin' me here" I groan, and don't attempt to even move. I feel so worn out at the moment. Like my damn body is betraying me.

"Just relax" Jon whispers, "We have all the time in the world" he slides up and pulls me close to him, fitting my naked body next to his, warm and gentle and it feels nice. I don't remember ever having fourplay and cuddling without the sex in between but at the moment I don't dare complain. "Are you well enough for this?"

I groan softly. "Seriously Cap'in, I can't turn back now…"I say lightly as I try one last time to convince him to make love to me.

"I sure can if you keep calling me that" I apologize by brushing my lips over his collar bone. He is warm and his hands are gentle as he strokes my sides careful and slow. My tongue dances with his flesh, the luxurious warm touch sinking into me bone deep and delicious. I'm not feeling light headed anymore, I'm feeling him and he feels amazing. He reaches up and grabs my hips fingers digging in with the burn of restrained passion, and yet he pulls my groin down to meet his. He's hard and his skin against mine fills me with sensation I feel my body shivering under his touch as he holds me against him, our kiss still slow and delicate.

Before I know it there is another set of hands and lips touching me softly. I break the kiss with Jon and pull back a little, reaching out to wrap my arm around the woman so close behind me. I bring her flush against the back of my body but that doesn't seem to be enough for her. She pushes me flat on my back and straddles me in a graceful and sensual motion. My lips are wrapped up on her full ones. She kisses me far sweeter than I can even remember her kissing me before. I feel the power and the heat in my head but she is restrained in a way that I never remembered her being. Delicate. Caring. Gentle. It feels nice. I let my hands run down and feel the curves of her body. She's so different from the hard planes of the man beside me and yet both make my heart race. His hands aren't idol. I feel them sliding over me, and soon I can't tell the difference between him and her.

After a few moments, after a break for breathing, I watch the gorgeous woman bend down and meet the lips of the man next me. I feel my cock twitch at the sight and I can both feel and hear Jon groan against her full lips. He cracks an eye open to watch me as I watch him and I notice him smile into the kiss. T'Pol broke away, looking quizzically down at the older man and then back up to me. More of that silent communication. "What does he mean…you like to watch?" asked the woman's soft voice in almost innocent curiosity. Almost.

I can't stop the sharp blush across my already flushed body and I think I might be red down my neck. I gulp a little and give her a shrug. "It's…a turn on to see you two kissin' is all.." I reply, not really sure how to explain it, especially with a lack of blood going to my brain.

She seems to think about it for a second and looks down at Archer. The command in her eyes is something even I can't mistake. He leans up and he claims my lips. Hard. I am a little surprised by the passion in his mouth after such slow and sweet touches. I always knew that Jon is a rolling ball of wills and I shouldn't really be surprised that he was only holding back. Honestly though, I don't want him to hold back. I don't care if I pass out completely in exhaustion and sleep for days. I want him and I want all of him. I've never been with a man before and I am not even sure how to go about doing …that but I don't care. This is Jon. This is my best friend and I know above all else he won't hurt me.

I feel heat burning on my scalp, bubbling in me and sweeping through my mind and I let myself peek as Jon plunders my mouth. She's watching us. Intense and strong and very Vulcan as she observes closely. Her nipples are hard and her breathing is harsh. I think…she might understand now. Suddenly however I stop thinking about anything else because Jon's hand is wrapped around my throbbing cock and he's stroking. I let out a groan with words in it that I don't have control over in the slightest. I feel like he's ripping pleasure out of me from somewhere deep inside my gut and it is so good.

I hear him give a little laugh. "You really are extremely horny aren't you?" He asks and I can't help but give him a groan. I haven't been touched in so long. So very long.

He twists his wrist and suddenly I can't believe how easy this is going to be for him. I am suddenly seeing stars and I know I'm gonna come if I don't make him stop. He seems to know that as he throttles down, pulling away as he returns to kissing me tender and slow. His hands carefully avoiding the parts of me he knows will drive me crazy, which really at this point is everywhere.

I don't know when she started touching me, but my head spins as I'm assaulted all out again, on all sides. Her hands sliding under me and over my ass, squeezing me as her warm full breasts drag against my chest and stomach. Hard nipples caress my flesh making me breathe deeper. Then there is Jon's chest against my finger tips, tone and sculpted and I can feel him breathing as his tongue and lips trail down my neck. Her hands move around me, weaseling there way between our bodies stroking my heated flesh. I feel light headed again. When her hand snakes down to touch me more insistent and intimately I feel Jon stop her this time. I sense more than see T'Pol's voiceless question.

"He just needs a minute" Archer replied for me, his voice understanding. I struggle to breathe for a time, feeling my over stimulated body settling into the sheets as my lovers finally release me from the middle for a break from their touches. I need a few minutes actually.

Instead of explaining to her that I am so close to coming that I might ruin everything, Jon leans over to the sensually bare woman, still glowing with heat and claimed her lips over my stomach. Okay. This was nice. I admire his strong shoulders and sculpted arms as he reaches out to woman with a ethereal grace. T'pol's soft skin glows with heat and flushes in the odd green tint that makes her look darkly tan. I watch her for a moment absorbed in the kiss as they slowly sit up. I watch his hands on her skin, moving in slow exploration down her neck and the sensual curve of her arching back.

Her soft hair cascading down her shoulders is irresistible to his hands as he strokes her body and I find the motion, very hot. She is suddenly up on her knees, skin brushing my hip as she grabs Jon roughly and demanding. She wants him and I feel it in the back of my head stronger than before. She's loosing that little bit of her control as her lips make demands from him and her hands trace over his muscular arms. Or maybe she isn't loosing it as much as letting it go?

He is calm in his response, gentle as his hand travels down her front without pretense. His hand immediately gives her what she wants and the motion surprises her. His fingers barely skip over her stomach as he sinks a finger down between her legs into the wet heat. She gasps arching back and her eyes close. The kiss now broken by her movement he smirks at her, fingers moving quickly and playing her flesh like an instrument. I watch him unwind her and force her to grip his shoulders in a sudden loss of balance. I can feel the connection to her in the back of my brain burn and push against me. I can feel sensation tingle down my spine and I know it is a mix of both mine and hers. I watch her sink down a little as her legs spread, silently begging Archer to do more to her.

I love the smirk that plays across the older man's face as she moves with a desperate grace. He knows just how to touch her and I wish I could do that with her too. Though I do love to watch I find myself compelled to touch her. I trail one hand starting at the knee that touches me and run it up the swell of her sculpted thigh. I slide my calloused fingers around her backside, enjoying the yielding flesh with a quick squeeze and am rewarded with a soft sound from her parted lips and her hot brown eyes flickering in my direction. I move my attentions higher, tracing the curve of her gorgeous breasts and find myself captivated by their softness, their roundness, their responsive nature as I feel her skin shiver and watch her nipples perk. She is on fire under my fingertips and I watch her clutching Jon's arms tightly. I am sure he'll have bruises before the night is through. I slide my hand down however, snaking under the older man's hand as I go and taking up his position.

He smirks and shows me his movements. He teaches me without a word of instruction how to make the woman with us shake. My fingers reach deep inside her, stroking the flesh there and massaging it in small circles. I feel his thumb press mine somewhere familiar but not quite the same as in human females. I don't ever remember touching T'Pol there before so many years ago, but I guess that Archer has had much more time to explore her and unlike me, he'd never leave a stone unturned. I feel her suddenly jerk like a quivering bow string and a moan escape her mouth like nothing I have heard before. My mind is flooded with passion and she is, quite instantly, no longer interested in sitting still.

I find myself firmly on my back, her hands on my shoulders and her insistent muscles straining. She straddles me and I feel my cock twitch in excitement. I am so hard, my fingers buried inside her let me know just how burning hot and wet she is. I want her, and I know she wants me. There is a smirk on Archers face as he removes his hand quickly, before T'Pol can yank it away. She descends on me without hesitation or delicacy and I gasp at the sudden sensation. I arch like a taught string myself as she groans in relief. She sinks herself completely on me and holds herself steady. Evidently the urge she was feeling is at least somewhat complete when she is on me. She doesn't move at first her body just trembling at the feel of me and I am struck with how beautiful she is.

Shinning with sweat and radiating heat she is straddled over me and sitting ram rod straight with all the power of her controlled muscles concentrating all her focus on the single point inside her. Where I am inside her. Her body is tight. So tight. I remember it but since it is been so long I guess I had forgotten how it feels. The alien sensation of her around me is one that I want to commit to memory all over again. Something so unearthly delightful and yet it is perfect. I don't realize that my eyes have fallen closed until I hear Jon's groan and discover I have to open my eyes in order to see him. He's next to her, lips on her hot neck and body at the mercy of her little hand that had nothing less than an iron grip on his erection.

I feel a little overwhelmed by the site of them. For one second I see them as they were before I was there, flirty and in love and yet sad, and they both turn to me, T'pol moving suddenly and causing me to let out a gurgling moan that I can't imagine could possibly be sexy and yet it makes Jon smile wide as he lays himself beside me. I can't help but touch him, so I take a hold of him alongside T'Pol's manicured nails. Holy shit is he hard. He feels like he's pulsing and I think the flesh might have jumped when I touched him. I've never touched a dick other than my own. With T'Pol back to sitting still I feel my attention drawn to the feel of it. Hard and dark at the tip, skin soft and moving over the core of it like a slippery sheath. I suddenly wonder what he tastes like.

"Must you put everything in your mouth Mr. Tucker?" asked the sultry woman as she rocked herself forward and I find my mind spinning back to the present.

"Oh fuck" I find my own voice saying as I squeeze Jon hard and arch up. I feel a roll of pleasure punch through me and start building in the small of my back with such overload it could feel like pain. I forget about my hand on Jon and pull away gripping T'Pol hips tightly as she moves against me in a broken and torturing rhythm. "T'Pol….Shit…T'Pol…." My eyes close and I feel myself loosing all control, all patience, and then I feel a set of lips on mine again. Jon. He's kissing me and pulling me back to reality. God it feel's good, driving my hard flesh into the tight hot woman above me, being ridden by her, completely at her mercy, as my best friend stuck his tongue in my mouth. He is smirking at me.

He must know what this feels like. Must look at me and know the mind blowing pleasure this woman is bringing to my body and knowing I'll never be able to hold out. I feel my hands shake a little and my balls tighten. My eyes roll up into my head without my control and my toes curl as my back arches like a bow string. I swear I hear one of my vertebrae giving a soft pop from the sudden motion but I don't give a flying fuck as the goddess above me finally lets me come.

I feel myself spilling into her and my body is quivering under her, at the mercy of those muscles that squeeze me and push me and milk me for everything I have. I am strung out between the stars and my mind is bursting with light. I feel her in there. In the back of my blinding white mind, her soft smile is there, satisfied and suddenly I feel her come. I feel her come like a wave of crashing pleasure that slams through me and threatens to rip me apart. Never have I felt myself come apart twice at the same time or so close together and I feel like my world is overloaded to the point I can't get air. I am struggling for breath and I wonder if I'm going to pass out. I am pretty sure I will.

I return to the world only to find myself in complete quiet. I feel myself worry a little bit and I sit myself up, well I would if there wasn't a strong hand weighing down my chest. I open my eyes to find Archer's body almost under me, arms wrapped around me, face buried in my neck. T'Pol is silent in front of me. Her soft hand on my chest and it travels up to brush my hair back tenderly. I can hear Jon's uneven breathing, he's awake and he's calming down with deep soft breaths.

"You passed out" She whispers in explanation. A soft smile, almost gloating really, crossing her features. I give her a smile in return and I let my eyes close for a moment to enjoy the feeling of their body heat.

"Sorry bout that…not usually the kinda guy who falls asleep right after .." I tell her, although that isn't entirely true. I feel like my body is tingling and floating and still reverberating with the feeling of them.

She lifts an eyebrow and brushes my hair with her tender fingers again. "You did not fall asleep, you passed out." Her voice is so matter of fact and plain. Ever the logical one.

I blush hotly, "Well, it was…kinda intense." I return, one hand sliding up the curve of her hip and I realize that I love the feel of these sheets, they are very supple and smell great and there is nothing better than this woman and this man and this bed and this moment and all the moments in my mind before now. I feel like I'm floating, but in a very different way than I ever have before. I feel Jon's warm breath on my neck, his arms tighten and I can feel the heat of his skin close to mine, seeping into me. "more than kinda." I can't believe I thought I could suppress the urge to jump this man's bones. I can feel myself tingling at his touch, knowing the breath on my neck is erotic and feeling it pull at the bottom of my belly. Shit…I just came like a hurricane and I am getting hard again? But I'm not hard, I'm tired and my body is completely unresponsive, despite this feeling of acute arousal. I glance up and make the connection.

T'Pol. She is staring at me and Jon, specifically where his sweet little lips meet the hallow of my throat and she has the softest little smile gracing her lips. She finds this sexy, him holding me. Not that I mind, I quite like it. Also that feeling of her in the back of my head, although slightly confusing does feel nice. Nice not to be alone. Nice to feel again. 'I love you…' The words are on my tongue and almost out in a rush. I don't even know where they have come from and I have to bite my lip to keep them in my mouth. I suddenly feel a rush of panic I don't know really what this encounter means. Did…did I misinterpret what they wanted from me?

Suddenly I flash back to every word, every touch, every moment. Neither of them said the words they loved me. Neither of them said they wanted anything from me. I pushed myself on them. No. They said they waited for me. But they love each other. They both do. Is this a joke? What could this be? No they aren't cruel, they aren't- and suddenly I can't think anymore because the Vulcan has her hands on my head and I'm being flooded by blue white light.

It's calming and I feel my tense body relax. My beating heart calms. I find myself in a place filled with white and blue light, extending everywhere all at once. "You are very easily excited Commander." Responds the calm voice of the one person I knew would be here. T'Pol.

My mind is still spinning but her presence turns it white and calm and soft as a glassy lake on a sunny day. It feels different then I remember when I was bonded with her so long ago. It seems, sunny rather than cold. I flex my hands slowly and can't stop the words that are at the front of my mind. It is less difficult to say them here. "You've changed." I tell her, realizing that not for the first time. "Jon's been good for ya." I toss her a smile but I know what she's hear for and I firmly plan on denying it. I firmly plan on not letting her drag anything out of me. I'll pretend it didn't happen. Pretend I didn't think it, panic over it. "I think I'm okay now. You can let me go." I won't be the one who takes more from them then they have to give.

There is suddenly another presence and I didn't know she could do it. I feel Jon's mind, strong and calm for the time being, but filled with a passionate possibility that is completely different from T'Pol. He's a brilliant bright blue. Shimmering and moving and yet I don't see the color other then the slight glow in T'Pol's white-blue world. I jump a little as he wraps his arms around me and it is more than just physical he is blue and calm but brilliant and passionate and filled with color as he pulls my mind into his, I feel him ringing through me like an old church bell. 'I will hold on, and never let go.'

I can feel what I do not need to say, and I can feel them without filters or words or labels that can so easily confuse the mind of humans. I feel the words coming as I leave my eyes closed, still seeing, still feeling their minds and thoughts as they slowly receded away and leave me as only myself again. "I…I love ya…have for years. Never stopped."

"I know." She whispers slipping as close as she can to close her eyes and lean her head against my forehead. "I…."

I can feel it then. Her love. Bursting and stifling, rolling in from the back of her mind and flooding over me with heat and fire. The emotion is fighting to get through. She can't say those words. She can't admit them. I love her, and I can never make her do anything that hurts her, even if it crushes my heart just a little bit. "I know" I tell her, kissing her lips gently and briefly. "You don't have to say it."

"Your …a terrible liar, Trip." Jon whispers, and I watch her struggle.

I gave her the out she needed but prideful as ever it looked like she wasn't going to take it. "I believe I may feel affection for you as well…"

Archer is silent, arms still and solid around me and yet he is tight, very tight. I feel the slightest hint of something off of him. He is just as afraid as I was. I turn myself over, dislodging my amazingly comfortable position to look him in those bright, beautiful green eyes. "Hey Cap'in" I whisper and I see a small smile break across his face at the use of his name although the expression is laced slightly with sadness and doubt. "Love ya…" His smile is a little bitter. Like he doesn't know or doesn't believe what I am telling him. "Love ya, and I don't just mean in the lets just be friends way…" I know perfectly well before I say it that this will embarrass the hell out of him, but I do it anyway. I slide up to his ear, whispering softly, fully knowing those Vulcan ears could hear it anyway. I just want to be close to him when I say this. "I mean, I love you in the I wanna fuck you all night long kinda way."

He blushing brightly, stunned for a moment before he recovers enough to close the distance to my mouth, pouring his relief into me and claiming me with a burning that isn't just passion but love. "I love you too…" He whispers, muffled against my lips as he never leaves me before devouring me again, showing me the feeling he barely got out in his stress crackling voice.

I kiss him back, but my mouth is still lazy and tired. I am completely sated and I don't think I can get myself up, literally or figuratively for another round with these gorgeous lovers that seem to want me. I break the kiss with the man so close to me and take a few deep breathes. God he smells good. Like sweat and sex and I don't mind when he wraps his arms around my middle and pulls me close. His face is buried in my neck and his warm lips are still on my neck. He's just holding me though. Holding me close with a touch that is sweet and careful. I guess I forgot how much I loved him, but in this moment I can't forget what he looks like so involved in a game, cheering for his favorite team. I can't forget his dedication or how many times he saved my life. More than that I can't forget the feel of him kissing me. It's so right. So completely right and I realize for the almost twenty years we knew each other before I tried to give my life for his, I loved him. Every stupid minute I didn't know it but I did. I loved him. I wanted to spend time with him, wanted to be with him; cared about him, wanted to keep him safe, wanted to keep him to myself. I just never was willing to see it. But he's not my Captain anymore. He's not my superior, we aren't on his ship and right now, none of that matters. I feel myself getting tired as his eyes close against me and his hand strokes my back in lazy motions.

"Sleep" says the woman behind me, her body pulling up flush against me and I begin to think this is a nice way to fall asleep. I could get used to this.