Okay, this came about after a conversation about Dan Brown's next book, entitled 'The Lost Symbol'. I declared that I wanted to see a fight between Vittoria and Sophie. And we started plotting and talking… And this developed out of it. This is a parody of sorts, written for entertainment only. And we made the assumation that a new girlfriend would appear in the next book, and thus I dubbed Robert 'the James Bond of Harvard'.
All parts by Vittoria were written by myself, and all parts by Sophie came from my friend Jedi'Pirate Jaeh (whom you may or may not know – she's written for Pirates of the Caribbean, Star Wars, and National Treasure). The character of Robert Langdon was shared between us.
We do not own any of the following things: Angels & Demons, The DaVinci Code, Robert Langdon, Sophie Neveu, Vittoria Vetra, Carlo Ventresca, Harris tweed, the Preferiti, Sophie's grandfather, The Lost Symbol, Forrest Gump, Tom Hanks, or YouTube.
Robert Langdon was walking down the streets of Washington DC, holding hands with his beautiful French girlfriend Sophie Neveu. It was a beautiful day – the sun was shining, there were no clouds, and he knew that later that night he would probably narrowly escape death after another perilous murder mystery using nothing but his brain and swimming muscles and fall in love with yet another beautiful girl. But right now, he was walking with Sophie, so none of that really mattered, except for the fact that he was wearing a stupid Harris tweed jacket in the middle of summer… I mean, who does that?
Everything was absolutely fabulous until he heard a familiar voice behind him.
"Robert!" The throaty female voice cried enthusiastically. He stopped in his tracks and turned around slowly, seeing none other than Vittoria Vetra running down the sidewalk towards him. On a normal day he would've wondered what she was doing here in the first place, but today was obviously not a normal day. Vittoria threw her arms around him in a big hug, causing Sophie to raise her eyebrows, giving Robert and Vittoria a very dirty and un-Sophie-like look.
"Who are YOU?" Sophie demanded loudly, stamping her foot like a whiny child. Vittoria released Robert, glaring at Sophie with all the strength her Italian eyes could muster.
"Who am I?! Who are YOU?!?" She demanded, equally loud. Robert stood by and winced, realizing that a catfight was about to ensue. He wasn't sure whether to run for his life or cheer – after all, it wasn't everyday two hot girls fought over a forty-something art teacher.
"I'm HIS girlfriend!" Sophie shouted. "Who WERE YOU?!"
"Who WAS I?! I WAS Robert's girlfriend, and I don't recall that changing!" Vittoria shouted back. They both shouted back and forth, gradually getting louder as they hurled questions and demands at each other.
"Well you LEFT, remember?!"
"I did not LEAVE! HE left! And he didn't have a choice!"
"Well he's mine now!"
"What?! Since when?!"
"Since he left you and helped me! Besides, you're just a scientist from some organization! I'm a descendent of JESUS CHRIST! BEAT THAT!"
Robert was just starting to get a headache from the rather un-necessary use of loud voices and caps lock when Vittoria turned on him, her eyes blazing. He gulped and took a step back, fearing for his life. He didn't like angry women. But these two made angry work so well… but never mind that!
"'So you were dating the great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-granddaughter of JESUS while I was gone, huh?! Professor I'm-Addicted-To History!" She screeched, crossing her arms over her chest and raising her eyebrows dangerously.
"Well... I... it's... Vi-" He stammered randomly for a few seconds, trying to come up with a good defense. However, his magical Harvard brain came up with squat, so he just spoke rather lamely. ".... It's not my fault?" He shrugged, glancing around for anyone to help him out. No one was available, so his lame, stammering defense continued. "Look, well.... when we parted... I thought we were supposed to... move on…"
It obviously didn't work, because Vittoria planted her hands on her hips and glared more pointedly. "What do you mean it's not your fault?!? You wanted to MOVE ON?!" And then she wheeled on Sophie, apparently winning this fight. By now a huge crowd was packed around, all the men waiting for something physical to happen and all the women picking sides and betting on who would win. "And YOU! Where did you come from, anyway?!"
"Um, well…" Robert felt like he shrinking a few sizes, and not in the way most people would like to either.
"Wouldn't you like to know?" Sophie taunted. Now SHE turned to Robert. "Well? Tell her about how we met. Go on, sweetie?"
Oh great, she had to pull the 'sweetie' on him… Now he HAD to say something. He just had no idea what to say, so more stammering followed.
"Well... Um... About that... I was kind of... In a bad situation, and, um..."
"Mio dio, Robert, spit it out already!" Vittoria huffed in annoyance, staring him down. That wasn't helping at all… Suddenly she looked at Sophie with a look of horrified realization. "Wait a minute… I saw you on the news! They said you MURDERED someone!!"
The crowd around them gasped simultaneously in shock, like something out of a staged drama. Sophie gasped.
"What?! No I did NOT! He was my GRANDFATHER! And you! YOU ALMOST BLEW UP ROME! Mon dieu - at least I was only accused on one man!"
Now both women were beet red and seething. By this time, Robert was standing a few feet away, very pale and afraid that if a real fight broke out he'd be caught in the middle and ripped to tiny little shreds that would make a horrible mess on the DC sidewalk.
"That was NOT MY FAULT! Some crazy priest STOLE the antimatter! I can't be held responsible for that!" Vittoria argued back at Sophie's allegation.
Suddenly a random person out of the crowd stepped forward and squealed somewhat. "Hey, I saw on the news! That priest was HOT!" A few other people in the crowd murmured their agreement, while Robert, Sophie, and Vittoria all stopped to stare at them all with odd looks on their faces before resuming their previous positions.
"You could've done more with security, it was in YOUR care!" And then Sophie took on a smug look. "And you didn't even save one of those poor Preferiti…."
This caused the crowd to emit the classic 'Ooooh' that is inevitable when someone gets insulted. One person shouted 'BURN' in a loud and annoying voice but everybody seemed to ignore them. Vittoria narrowed her eyes and gasped, taking a menacing step closer to Sophie.
"We did everything we could to save the Preferiti! And I couldn't do anything about the last murder because I'd been kidnapped! And Robert SAVED ME!" It was her turn to smirk now. "Isn't that right, Robert?"
"Well I saved Robert!" Sophie cut in. She gestured at Robert. "Well? Tell her!"
Robert shrugged helplessly and the words came out in a way that Robert hadn't spoken in since he was one of these teenagers who talks in a fast and mumbly voice. "ItinvolvedFrenchpoliceherdeadgrandfatherandtheLouvre."
"So?" Sophie demanded of Vittoria, looking at her in a challenging manner.
"…I didn't get a word of that." Vittoria said, looking very perplexed as to what had just been said. Sophie sighed.
"Just tell her, Robert!"
"Umm, well… I'd rather not…" He said, suddenly very very interested in the crusted up chewing gum on the pavement.
"And WHY NOT?!" Both women demanded at once in very shrill, angry voices. This fight was suddenly not as entertaining not that they were angry at him and not each other. The crowd was unusually silent, and Robert was even more uneasy.
"Um… Well, I... I'd rather... um, stay out of this..." He mumbled, still staring at his random but expensive shoes.
"How do you expect to stay OUT of it?! YOU'RE the reason we're here in the first place, Professor!"
The crowd 'ooohed' again and Robert sighed, his ears turning bright red. Meanwhile, Sophie looked at Vittoria, actually smiling for once.
"We finally agree on something!"
Vittoria nodded, and they both turned towards Robert, giving him intense glares. A cracked squeak came from his mouth, and he backed up slowly, making him feel like a pack of wolves were advancing on it. This was NOT good for his claustrophobia. And then he froze again when another female voice spoke up
"Robert, what's the matter?"
He looked up, and the entire group around him seemed to turn at once and look at the new arrival. It couldn't be… But it was!
To Robert's horror his new girlfriend from The Lost Symbol had shown up early – and at the worst possible time, too. She walked through the crowd and stepped forward, stepping up right into the empty space between Vittoria and Sophie. They were both staring at her with wide eyes, like Robert and everyone else. She looked around.
"You're early!" Robert hissed. "You're not supposed to show up until later!"
"Oh, well, I never was too good at timing my entrances…" The Lost Symbol girl mused. She looked at Vittoria and Sophie, very confused. "…Who are they?"
"Um… F-Former colleague?" He stammered weakly, motioning to Vittoria. She gasped, her eyes narrowing dangerously.
"I WAS JUST A FORMER COLLEAGUE TO YOU?!" She walked up to him, slapping him in the face with all her strength. He winced, touching his cheek tenderly. And then Sophie stepped up.
"YOU NEVER TOLD ME ABOUT ANY OF THIS?!" And then she slapped him too, in the same cheek. He reacted the same way, only it hurt more this time. And then the Lost Symbol girl walked forward.
"YOU CHEATED ON ME BEFORE I WAS EVEN YOUR GIRLFRIEND!" This didn't make any sense, but Robert had no time to say so, because then SHE slapped him in the face. He sighed, holding his now-bruised cheek as he stared at the three very angry women.
"WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?!?!" All three demanded at once. Robert just shrugged weakly and the girls all rolled their eyes in unison. Then the Lost Symbol girl sighed.
"Let's get out of here. We can go shopping and swap stories?" She offered. Vittoria and Sophie shrugged and nodded, and the three women walked off together, each one giving Robert dirty looks before they left. He sighed, rather dazed, watching the crowd disperse and chatter excitedly about what had just happened. Finally he snapped out of it, and his eyes grew wide.
"WHAT?! YOU CAN'T JUST LEAVE ME! I'M ROBERT LANGDON!" He screamed, throwing a bit of an unmanly tantrum. Meanwhile, a stranger looked up at him, grinning broadly.
"I know you!" The girl exclaimed. "You're Forrest Gump!"
Robert groaned. "How many times I have to tell you people, I'm not Tom Hanks!"
Nearby, two teenage girls looked at each other and giggled, grinning knowingly as they looked down at the camcorder one of them was holding through the gap in the bushes where they had been hiding and recording the whole thing. One of them laughed.
"This'll be YouTube gold."
We love reviews! xD