Don't Let Go
"Fear is often greater than the danger itself."
Misaki was in love. He knew it. How could someone explain the flutters in his stomach or the wild beating in his heart? Or the fact that every time Usagi-san whispered 'I love you', he so desperately wanted to say it back? Misaki didn't want to believe that he could be in love with someone as arrogant, or self-absorbed as Usagi-san. But he was. It was as simple as that.
When Usagi-san touched him... there were no words for what he felt for him. Anger, relief, sadness, and happiness? Anger for touching him so intimately, relief for making him cum, sadness because he was letting a man touch him who was in love with someone else, and happiness because Usagi-san chose him.
He snapped out of his thoughts when a door slammed opened. Usagi- san pulled another all-nighter yesterday. It has been 3 months since he moved here and although Usagi bugged him everyday about 'being out of Misaki', he knew better then to give into him.
Why? Because Usagi-san wasn't in love with him. And although Usagi told him daily that he loved him... it wasn't quite right because the person he loved was Niichan, not him. How could he compare to Niichan when Usagi-san thought the world of him?
"Morning," Usagi-san voice rang out. He trudged downstairs, passing through the sitting room, nearly colliding with the manuscripts that lay forgotten on the floor.
"Morning," Misaki said, then added, "Did you finish your manuscript?"
"What was it about this time?"
"Something or another. It's over until my next one. Let's talk about something else,"
"Like what?" Misaki looked at him expectantly. Hopefully he wasn't going to aim for something dirty. He knew he was still shy about those things. And it wasn't like they had sex yet. He was just still unprepared for that step.
That really big step. Usagi-san was ready for that step, but he wasn't. Not when Usagi-san wasn't in love with him. He had said those words, but he didn't actually believe them.
"Like the words of love."
"Don't you think it's alible too early to be discussing that?" Misaki turned red in the face, and Usagi-san had the grace to smile. Like an arrogant bastard. He wanted to tell him that he was fine with that, that he would willingly give his body to him if he kept repeating that he loved him.
Usagi- san sat down at the breakfast table and immediately reached for the chopsticks. Misaki hopped that he would love the food that he made especially for his senpai. The food consisted of White rice, tuna, fried egg, and soy milk that he bought fresh that same morning.
They both split there chopsticks and said, "Itadakimasu." and dug in.
The silence was broken when senpai lifted his head from the plate and stated that the food was amazing and that he wanted it again tomorrow.
Tomorrow was Usagi-sans day off. It was going to be the first one in months, and they were going to spend it at home. By themselves, with no interruptions.
"Is there anything in specific that you wanted to do tomorrow?"
"I would love to stay home and relax, is that okay?" he said mildly.
Thats what Misaki was afraid of. Being all alone with Usagi-san. For the most part there was always someone there, either Aikawa, or Isaka, and sometimes Takahiro.
"Yes, sure. Whatever what you want." Usagi-san looked up from devouring his food.
"Good, I'm glad." then continued to eat. Once he was done, he got up albeit slowly and made his way to the other side of the table where Misaki was sitting. Pulling him up, he threw Misaki over his shoulder and went for the stairs.
"Usagi-san, please put me down, I need to wash the dishes."
"You can do it after I am done with you." Misaki recognized the lust in his voice, and shivered in response, but he was going to give up.
"Baka! Let me go, Baka!" he screamed at the top of his lungs. Usagi-san dumped Misaki at the top of the stairs and shoved him in the room where he landed in the centre of the bed.
"I will never let you go! There is no one on this earth that could make me part from you." he said roughly. Misaki knew that it was true. Knew it from the bottom of his heart.
He couldn't stand it.
"You don't mean it! You can't mean it!" tears streamed down his face, it was all a lie, wasn't it?
His eyes widened, and it would have been comical, if it wasn't for the overbearing thumping of his heartbeat in his chest.
"I know you don't like it when I speak of love, so I won't, for your sake." Usagi-san murmured, moving away. He reluctanly got up and shut the door behind him. Misaki was left all alone.
And it was from that point on when he stopped saying 'I love you' the words he cherished the most, he stopped saying them.
A month later, Misaki knew it was now or never. He was going to ask the question that had been plaguing his mind. Misaki desperately wanted to know what happened to there relationship.
It was like they were acquaintances, not lovers. Were they lovers? Were they even friends? It felt as if the world wasn't as fantastic as it seemed when Usagi-san wasnt there to pick up all pieces. To show his affection. To show his love.
He wanted to ask why. Was he so unattractive that he wouldn't touch him? Or was something deeper and more meaningful that Usagi-san didn't bother with him anymore. When he got home it was a simple "Hello", "I am going to be working on a manuscript", "Or I'll be back later from a meeting," etc. Nothing important as it was before. Why did it have to happen to them now when they were getting so close?
Was it his fault for not thinking that Usagi loved him? Was it his fault because maybe deep down inside he thought Usagi would leave them like his parents did when he was younger? One way or another, he wasn't sure and maybe he never would be. Love, although meaningful, was also important, and people deserved to feel it, even himself.