Disclaimer: I don't own these characters.
A/N: Okay, I make fun of England/America here, but please don't be angry! I actually like that pairing. I just thought it would be funny if America remembered his younger years with Arthur DIFFERENTLY than he read them in a fanfic ;) And the summary I made up for Alfred to read, is in fact, completely made-up. I'm not bashing anyone and their fics. In fact, I'd be more likely to bash the sappiness of my own before bashing anyone else's. (Part of me wants to see the fics described written, just for chuckles and grins ;D ).
This was beyond disturbing. Really.
Alfred was a dork at heart, really. REALLY. He knew his comics, good mystery novels (irritatingly, he liked a lot of England's authors, but he'd never admit that, especially not NOW), and he knew what manga was, along with anime. Kiku was kind enough to share. He knew what cosplaying was too. Alfred had even cosplayed as Green Lantern once. Yeah, it was awesome. He liked Comic-Conventions as much as he liked football and hamburgers, it was true. He liked talking to the people there, well, most of them (some were downright creepy but… Well he wasn't going to let that ruin it for him). Alfred also had a Deviant Art account along with his Facebook and a neglected MySpace. And if you pushed hard enough, he would grudgingly admit he had a account. Because he liked to read spoofs. And some of the spoofs on were really damn funny! REALLY. Some people really knew how to write em.'
He just hadn't realized that they'd ever write about him. At first he was pleasantly surprised.
Then he almost had to run to the bathroom to toss his cookies.
He had gotten about as far as the summary before he spat out his cherry Kool-aid all over his computer screen. It read as follows:
Title: "America's Mentor… Of LOVE."
"England can't take his burning infatuation with his young ward anymore. Between feeling lonely over in Europe and watching America grow into a handsome young colony with bulging muscles and a come-hither expression in his big blue eyes, England is about at his breaking point (in his pants). When America initiates a kiss, his caretaker decides to show America what sex REALLY is and take it all the way... And all around, over, and on top of every table in the house." Explicit sexual scenes, including usage of bondage and pudding… Lots of pudding, Mmmm….
Rating: M Genre: Romance/Angst Chapters: 10 Author: SexyVanya666
The first thing that clicked in Alfred's shocked mind was, "IT GOES ON FOR TEN DAMN FREAKING BLOODY CHAPTERS. WHAT IN GOD'S NAME ARE ARTHUR AND I DOING FOR TEN CHAPTERS?"
Alfred sat staring at the (still Kool-aid soaked) computer screen for the next ten minutes before finally deciding to at least read what people THOUGHT happened between him and Arthur when he was a youth. Big mistake. Honestly, if he'd been having THIS type of sex with England when he was actually this age, then he might've though twice about rebelling… Or gone about it with even MORE vigor, terrified that he'd ever have to have his mentor on top of him… Jesus Christ. He shook his head and rubbed his temples before he decided he couldn't read through all of it. Because if the first chapter had Arthur tying him up by the wrists and screwing him against a wall while Alfred groaned his name, he could only imagine what else this author had in store.
So he jumped to Chapter 4 (a scene involving… Vanilla PUDDING?). Then quickly went to Chapter 5 (Apparently the Alfred in THIS story had a Pirate fetish, oh great), before skipping to Chapter 7 (Where apparently, Alfred LICKED Arthur's entire body because he SPARKLED or some shit like that in the SUN and apparently sparkling like a carton of bubble-wrap was supposed to be arousing).
Finally he jumped to Chapter 9, wondering if they author could really deliver this many chapters of different types of sex. I mean, the same old shit got boring after awhile, though the author hadn't failed in variety YET for certain—
Okay, chapter nine was apparently him going outside to bathe in a pond after Arthur and him had tried to denied their sexual desires for another in the last chapter. A quick jump to the chapter before that revealed that there was indeed sex there too. Involving honey. And dessert. So the author had denied their readers sex for… One chapter. Okay. Great. Alfred gulped and jumped back to Chapter 9, wondering why in hell he was putting himself through this.
"Arthur watched as Alfred bathed in the pond, which was barely deep enough to cover his beautiful, toned arse (Arthur liked it best red after he'd spanked Alfred multiple times). Alfred rubbed his washcloth all over his body, over the stomach muscles that Arthur had bitten only days before (Alfred shuddered), and over the arms that Arthur had enjoyed having wrap around him when he thrust into the young colony. A stirring in his groin came with the memory of Alfred's soft, supple nipples in his mouth (covered in sweet honey) and the way the boy moaned when Arthur had worked him- (And since when was Arthur the dominant one, WHAT THE HELL?)- Suddenly, Arthur heard Alfred let out a soft gasp from the pond, breaking him away from his thoughts.
His pulse quickened as he realized what Alfred was doing, groaning England's name while he (Alfred felt the urge to gouge his own eyes out) and letting his hand trail up his own (He looked cautiously at the pen that he had at the side of his desk and wondered if he could KILL himself with it) all while crying and groaning England's name and about how he wanted England to (Didn't they mention the groaning already?) before England finally couldn't take it anymore and rushed into the water, clothes already off and his lower regions already –
The phone suddenly rang, surprising the entranced America so much that he almost fell out of his desk chair, wondering just why in the hell he was suddenly feeling so guilty. Then he looked at the caller ID.
Oh, it was England.
Alfred fumbled for the phone, gulping before greeting Arthur. "Haha, HEY there! What's up buddy!" There was silence on the line for a second before a suspiciously irritated Arthur answered.
"'What's up'? Well um, you seem strangely cheerful for a gitface, but um… I wanted to know if you were free tonigh—
Alfred let out a small screech. England fumbled for a minute before continuing.
"W-what the bloody hell was that? Are you feeling right in that head of yours? Did Tony invade too deeply into your brain or something?"
"N-No, sorry, j-just a little jittery from some um… C-coffee. Yeah, big cup of coffee, y-yeah…" Arthur snorted.
"Well of course, you'd pick the alternative to Tea that has more caffeine and makes you act even more ridiculous. Anyway, I'm stuck with nothing to do tonight so I was wondering if you'd want to drag you ass over here and go out with me—"
"GO OUT WITH YOU?!!! WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?! WHAT WHAT WHAT?! NOOOOOOOO, I'm NOT DATING YOU ARTHUR! THAT'S SICK, SIIIIIIIIIIICK. WHY WOULD I EVER EVEN CONSIDER IT, YOU'RE CRAZY, CRAZY I SAY--" Alfred paused to take a few breaths, while England sat there for a moment in shocked silence.
"Alfred…" He said finally, "Why in the hell would I--"
"--AND I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOUR PRIVATE PARTS OR HAVE YOU TIE ME UP TO A WALL AND FUCK ME UP THE ASS OR TACKLE MY WHILE I'M BATHING OR DO ME IN A PIRATE OUTFIT WITH YOUR HAT STILL ON OR SPARKLE LIKE EDWARD FROM TWILIGHT – YES EVEN YOUR PENIS - OR LICK HONEY OFF OF MY NIPPLES WHILE GROWLING LIKE A BEAR OR OR OR EAT VANILLA PUDDING OFF OF MY CHEST, NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. THAT'S ALMOST AS HORRIBLE AS ME DATING MY BROTHER OR SOMETHING, in fact IT IS AS HORRIBLE, NOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo--" Alfred panted again while England rubbed his temples on the other line and tried to stop the ringing in his ears (though to no avail).
"Alfred, God dammit! You need to lay off the coffee, honestly! What has gotten into you, really? Look, I was just going to ask if you bloody wanted to see a movie, but apparently you've gone and lost your head over a cup of COFFEE. And all I wanted to do was bond as your older damn brother and…" Arthur paused, "Wait a minute, what was that about vanilla pudding?"
Alfred clicked the receiver, cutting off the call. There was no way he was going out tonight. He just needed to rest, and stop thinking about Arthur naked or horny for him God forbid.
He quickly went to the "reviews" section and decided to give the author a piece of his mind.
"Your story is messed up. Arthur RAISED Alfred - RAISED him. Why the HELL WOULD HE EVER EAT VANILLA PUDDING OFF OF HIS CHEST?!! He, he read me—I mean, he read ALFRED stories when he was SCARED OF THE DARK. ABOUT MAGIC AND BUNNIES AND NOT… THIS! DO YOU HAVE ANY SORT OF DECENCY IN YOUR HEART?!!
You know what, screw you and your stories. Just, just go to the Looney bin you nut job. AND, AND AMERICA WOULD TOTALLY TOP. If this, sickening thing would ever happen – WHICH IT WOULDN'T – but America is AWESOME so he tops EVERYONE. SO THERE."
America sent it and then logged off, grumbling about really needing to lay off the coffee anyway.
A great distance away, across the Pacific Ocean, the writer of "America's Mentor… OF LOVE" chuckled at the newest review he'd gotten, sipping a warm cup of tea while clasping it in cold fingers. He put his cup down before beginning a reply to the reader (writing in the tongue of a girly fanfic writer which he'd become great at doing after hearing VIITheChariot ramble on in several of her stories). He looked at the reviewer's name, "AWESOME Green Lantern Man."
"Dear 'Awesome Green Lantern Man,'
I'm sorry you did not like my story, was there not enough sex for you? :( You make me sad, but okay, that's fine. It's just MY take on Alfred and Arthur's relationship, that's all. I mean, can't you just imagine Arthur sticking it up Alfred's ass? Well, I guess not but… Oh, if this isn't your ship, I have some other fics um… There's some FrancexEngland (England totally gets pregnant with France's kids, guess WHO?), and some CanadaxAmerica (Don't you just love it?)… If you ask me though, I'd say that my AmericaxRussia fics are WAAAAAY better. You should totally go check them out. They're totally my best work. Consider it my peace offering, as you didn't seem to enjoy this one too much (Really, was there not enough sex? Should I add more?). I promise, the Russia and America ones are completely different… Though a lot kinkier and a bit violent (okay, more than a bit, but you just KNOW America loves it). Really, I think you'll like them ;)
P.S.~ Oh, I'm sorry, I should warn you though… America never tops in my stories."
Then, realizing that it would be more fun if the curious Alfred (who could never not just "Take a peek" at things) went to read those stories, not knowing this fact, and imagining the horrified look on his face when Alfred read "America Turns Red," Ivan deleted the "P.S." and sent his reply.