Hey, my name is LOSHLOVERXOXO! I love all the Harry Potter books and movies. This is my first Harry Potter fan fiction and I would very much appreciate it if there were no flames… thank you! The song is by Kelly Clarkson called Haunted… I thought it would sum up Tonk's feelings on Lupin!


"Molly I'm just not in the mood…"

"Please Tonks dear, Ginny would be very displeased if you didn't come."

How could I say no to that?

"Fine. See you tomorrow."

I left the Burrow in a huff. I don't want to go to Molly's Christmas party. It would be a delightful visit as always. Fred and George were always funny, with their new pranks and new inventions they try out. Molly's food is delicious. Ginny was like a sister to me, but I can't see him. He, who ripped my heart into a million different pieces he, who rejected me too many times to count. He, who has the stupidest reasons for not being together, he, who I love.

I shouldn't love him. He ripped me up, burned me changed me in many ways possible, but I can't stop. I forgot that his heartbreaking had caused me to change my patronus. I forgot I can't morph anymore because of my sorrow. I just forget. I Apparated back to my flat. I looked around my flat. Spotless an obvious reminder of some of the failed attempts of distracting myself. I collapsed onto my couch. The tears starting to fall again.

He doesn't love you.

In some way he does I know he does.

So breaking your heart is a great way to show his affections towards you.

He just thinks he's too old, poor, and dangerous.

Well know you can see how he's dangerous, he can easily break your heart.

A small sob escaped my lips.

Louder, louder

The voices in my head

Whispers taunting

All the things you said

Faster the days go by and I'm still

Stuck in this moment of wanting you here


In the blink of an eye

You held my hand, you held me tight

Now you're gone

And I'm still crying

Shocked, broken

I'm dying inside

I get up and look at myself in the mirror recalling the memories.


"Come one Tonksie! Come and get me!"

"Sirius! Give me back my wand!"

I chased my older second cousin around the living room. Sirius's mother screaming in the background.



My foot was caught on the rug and dust filed my nasals. I practically could feel the impact of the ground I know so well. Me being clumsy as hell. But I didn't feel it. I looked up to my savior.

"You better watch yourself Tonks."

I blushed and I felt the oh so familiar tingling in my scalp. My hair is probably as bright as the Weasley's hair. Flaming red.

"T-thanks Re-remus." I smiled shyly

He smiles and helps me back on my feet.

"Wow, nice catch Moony, she's a real keeper." Sirius joked

I glared at my cousin.

"Accio Wand."

My wand came flying and I caught it.

"Moony you prat! I was enjoying watch Tonksie suffer."

I glared at Sirius again.

"Well thank you Remus, at least someone is acting maturely." I said

"Sure, sure, for someone who still has a rubber ducky in her bathtub."

I blushed furiously.

Sirius laughed at my reaction. Remus chuckled a bit.

"I wouldn't be complaining Sirius during your Hogwarts years you slept with a stuffed rabbit."

"That was a gift! I didn't want to make her feel bad." Sirius interpreted blushing slightly

"For Merlin's sakes you picked it out of the trash and snuggled with it when you slept."

I busted out laughing holding my sides it hurt so much.

"Shut up Nymphadora!" Sirius said

"You did NOT just call me Nymphadora!" I said furious once more.

Sirius seeing my anger and finally noticed he isn't armed ran out of the room. I started running after him and was forced backwards.

"Let him go. I think I embarrassed him enough today."

I couldn't comprehend a sentence he pulled me back so I was looking up to him. My body touching his, my face in his chest.

"Well thanks for defending me. I hate it when he brings back embarrassing memories from when I was a kid."

"According to him though you still have a rubber ducky."

I couldn't help but laugh hearing Remus of all people saying rubber ducky was priceless.

"What?" he asked confused

I just kept on laughing.

"You-said-rubber-ducky!" I said in between laughs

"You think it's funny?"

I could only nod, as my face was turning red from lack of oxygen.

"Nymphadora, Tonks! Breathe!"

I calmed myself and started to breathe again.

"I don't see why that is so funny."

"You seem so serious and proper; I can never see you saying rubber ducky."

"Well I'm glad I can amuse you."

I looked and he was smiling down at me. I smiled back. I kissed him on the cheek and whispered in his ear

"If you ever call me Nymphadora again I will hex you."

I stalked off to the kitchen with a smile on my face.

End Flashback

I opened my eyes and noticed the lighter atmosphere. I got up and I was in my old cloaks from yesterday. I slept through the day. Great. The clock on my wall said 3:30 P.M. Molly is going to kill me I'm late.

I walked into my room grabbing some new clothes. I didn't look very festive as I looked in the mirror. A black cloak. Molly would kill me. I sighed and grabbed a green sweater and through it on under my cloak. I looked in the mirror. My hair was a mousy brown, bags under my eyes, I was pallid. I was too skinny. When have I last eaten a good meal? I sighed and Apparated to the Burrow. I knocked my hand on the door. I was freezing my ass off. The snow was whipping around in the wind.

"Who's there?"

"It is I, Nymphadora Tonks; my cousin is Sirius Black, who was killed by my Aunt Bellatrix Lestrange." I said

"What's your patronus take?" Moody asked

"I-I don't know."

The door opened and Moody was revealed to me.

"You don't know."

I nodded my head and he reluctantly let me pass.

"Tonks! Dear!"

"Hello Molly."

"Happy Christmas!"

She pulled me into a motherly hug and stepped back to gasp.

"You're so skinny dear! Go to the living room and sit with the others. I'll make you a batch of cookies."

" Happy Christmas to you but you don't have to bake…"

"I insist! Go, go!" she shooed me away.

I trudged to the living room and saw practically the whole order, even him.


I was attacked with a hug from Ginny.

"Happy Christmas!"

"Wotcher, Ginny. Happy Christmas!"

"Are you alright you don't look well." Ginny said

"I'm fine, tired I guess." I smiled weakly

"Well come on sit down!" she pulled me down next to her and I winced.

"What's the matter?"

"I'm fine…really."

Ginny ignored my remark and pulled my cloak and sweater up.

She gasped. The gash that had formed from when I fell down the stars last week was shown. I didn't bother to heal myself I was too weak to do it anyway.

"W-what happened?"

"I fell down the stairs, no big deal." I said taking my hand away.

"It looks infected."

"Ginny really I'm fine."

"You should have Mom take a look at that."


"You shouldn't have let that get out of hand; you should have healed yourself when you had the chance…"


Everyone looked at my outburst.

"I'm fine Ginny please don't worry about me. I got caught on a sharp nail, my body moved but my arm didn't." I said much more quietly

Ginny pushed my sleeve back up and went away.

I sighed. I know she won't let this go.

"You shouldn't let yourself go like that."

I looked up and saw Remus looking down at the gash not reaching my eyes.

"I don't give a shit about my appearance lately if you haven't noticed Remus." I said harshly

He looked up to meet my eyes and I immediately looked away.

"So Tonks we have some presents for you!" Fred said

"Yes, you have just gotten a whole collection of our Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes! Could help with some Death Eaters!" George said

"Slip them in their drinks!"

"Or food."

"And you will see them start to change drastically!"

I held my head a bit. The back and forth voices between the two brothers were a bit too much.

"You ok?"

"Yup fit as a fiddle!" I said cracking a horrible smile

"And I got you something!" Ginny said coming back in the room

I looked at the youngest of Weasley's and smiled.

"Well this for your cut, and this is for you!"

I gave her a genuine smile and looked down the present was neatly wrapped with green and white wrapping and a red bow.

I hesitantly opened it and looked at it.

A small black ball was inside of the box it came with.

"It's great Ginny but umm what does it do?"

"It's sort of like a Rememberal but better!"

I looked at her curiously and picked it up.

It started to vibrate and I dropped it.

Ginny giggled. "Well it shows what you're feelings are, important dates, if you have forgotten something, shows your thoughts, you can write on it as a diary, it's able to probe you mind of what could possibly be wrong! It's called a Diary."

"Diary's in the muggle world you write in a journal…" Hermione says

"Well this is the wizard world sorry Hermione."

I ignored their argument and asked "It can probe your thoughts like out loud?"

"Yes! I've tied it! You try!"

"Ummm no. My mind is full of nasty Death Eaters and Wars and bad things you shouldn't see."

"I've fought of Death Eaters! I can take it!"

"Ginny please, if you saw my thoughts right now…" I begged

I picked up the Diary and held it. The color stayed the same.

"Black means the darkest of depression, and that you're thinking of suicide." Ginny said softly

I tensed and dropped the Diary. I could feel people's eyes on me. The tension in the air was too much to handle.

"Cookies!" Molly said coming in the room breaking the tension

She forced the plate of cookies in front of my face. I shook my head. As much as they looked tempting, I wasn't hungry.

"I'm going to take a walk. I can't…I just need to be alone." I said pushing passed Molly

"Dear there is a storm outside! And we were about to…"

"And I don't care." I said running

The cold air hit me, as the door was forced open. I ran away. I started to run. I hopped the fence that separated, or tried to separate any creature to try and eat the Weasley's garden. And I ran. I ran away from my problems. I wanted him to follow me but I knew he wouldn't.

Where are you?

I need you

Don't leave me here on my own

Speak to me

Be near me

I can't survive unless I know you're with me

I walked now. The cold air whipping my hair in my face. I couldn't feel the cold, I couldn't feel anything. I was in a wood now. My eyes darting back and forth. I swear someone was watching me. I saw a shadow. I whipped my head around. My eyes drooping. I know Moody would have been mad at me. His famous saying ringing in my head. Constant Vigilance. I didn't care know. I heard a howl off in the distance. My thoughts turning to Remus. I don't care about his curse. Why can't he see that?

Shadows linger

Only to my eye

I see you, I feel you

Don't leave my side

It's not fair

Just when I found my world

They took you, they broke you, they tore out your heart

His age never mattered. He's under a decade year old than me. It's not like he is older than I am by twenty years. We are both getting older. Every second, of every day. We get closer. With the war, the likeliness of death is much grander. We should cherish what we have left. This is the first time I have seen him in months. The Order's meeting has been cut down a lot since the return of the school year. I remember when I found Harry was the last time I had a real conversation with him.


I headed for Hogsmeade. My thoughts on my patronus. It had changed into something I know, and I love. Even if he refuses to believe it. I kept my head down and kept on walking.

"Ooomph." I was recoiled to the ground.

I looked up to see a hand in my face offering. I gladly took it. He did knock me down the stupid bloke.

"Remus!" I was shocked to see him here.

"Hello Nymphadora."

I rolled my eyes.

"What are you doing here?" I asked

"I came to talk with Dumbeldore about my new mission. What are you…?"

"I'm here for extra security." I said interrupting him

"Look Tonks, I know you are upset…"

"Upset! You won't let me in! I've told you I have loved you and yet you don't do anything about it! I know you love me back and yet you won't do anything!" I screamed

People were starting to look at us and Remus noticed. He took me by the arm, dragged me down an alley, and forced me against a wall.

"You know why Nymphadora."

"Yes, and I have told you I don't give a flying fuck about what you are! Or how old you are!" I said

He looked at me.

"I'm sorry Nymphadora. I refuse myself to let myself love you. I can't and I don't. I do not love you Nymphadora. Some of my actions may have caused you to think otherwise but I don't."

My eyes welled up with tears and he let go of my arm.

"I understand." I said

He started to walk away.


"Yes." he asked one more time before turning the corner.

"If Sirius was with us, he would kick your ass."

He gave a sly smirk.

"I know." and he turned the corner out of my life.

End Flashback

I miss you, you hurt me

You left with a smile

Mistaken, your sadness

Was hiding inside

Now all that's left

Are the pieces to find

The mystery you kept

The soul behind a guise

Where are you I need you

Don't leave me here on my own

Speak to me

Be near me I can't survive unless I know you're with me

My tears are practically icicles. The snow was whipping around and I could barely feel a thing. I knew I could easily use a charm to heat me up but I didn't have the energy. My knees collapsed and I lay on the snowy floor. My teeth were rapidly chattering my body shaking from the cold. My tears froze every time they left my eyes. He caused this. He caused all this agony. He caused me to do this. He did everything to me. He caused this.


Why did you go?

All these questions run through my mind

I wish I couldn't feel at all

Let me be numb

I'm starting to fall

They took everything away from me. Everything. I couldn't help but feel undeniable hatred towards life, towards Fernir Greyback, to Remus's father for getting Frenir angry. Everything is my fault everything. I was feeling numb. I couldn't feel any part of my body.

Where are you?

I need you

Don't leave me here on my own

Speak to me

Be near me

I can't survive unless I know you're with me

I'm going to die. I just let myself die frozen. Over love. Well at least I have a reason to die for. Love. Without it, no one would be living, breathing. Love. The only thing I regret is the last time I saw Remus he was looking at me with shock. I had snapped at him. I wish he was here.

Where are you?

Where are you?

I can't get that picture of Remus out of my head. The last time I saw him smile was when he tore me out of his life. And he ripped himself away from mine. That smirk of his. Hmmm. The darkness is consuming me.


You were smiling

You were smiling

You were smiling