Twilight Parody

Disclaimer: I'm not that idiot who writes the Twilight series, AKA Stephanie Meyer. If I was, there would be no pedophiles like Jacob in the Twilight series and Bella wouldn't be a pushover.


I'm in Forks. Like, ewww! Who names a town after a fork?

Anyways, I'm here. It's raining, but I'll try to be positive anyway. Oh, I should mention I'm Bella Swan. Well, Isabella, actually, but I have self-esteem issues and need to reassure myself of my great beauty- or lack thereof.

My daddy's here. He bought me a car, yay! That is, like, so cool. How can I possibly repay him? Oh, oh! I've got an idea! I'll cook for him, clean up after him and basically be his slave until I turn 18! That'll make him soo happy.

I love making people happy. 'Cause, you know, I'm selfless and all that crap. And I'm also clumsy. Yep, that's me. A plain damsel in distress.

I push Charlie out of my room when I go in. I need some cry time. I know! I'll throw a pity party of one in my room!

After the party's over and I cry myself to sleep- which was really fun, by the way, you should try it sometime- I'm all ready for school.

I run to my humongously ugly truck that I love with all my heart and kiss it before climbing in. I absolutely adore this thing. A tank couldn't take this baby down! Hmm… Maybe I'll name him Herbie. Though people that talk to their cars never end up well- I mean, have you seen Lindsay Lohan? So not cool. I briefly consider world domination before driving all the way to school- which I found with the super-awesome GPS my truck has- not. I take some marihuana Billy- the super hot previous owner I'm secretly infatuated with- left there.

As soon as I'm done getting high, I get out and run to the office. I talk to the creepy, perverted, possibly-lesbian secretary and get my schedule. I quickly take a look. Yay! I'm in all the advanced classes! 'Cause I'm so smart, and all.

I use my super-spy moves to get to my next class unnoticed.

"I'm in" I whisper into my jacket. The teacher, Mr. Mason, stares at me because I'm utterly gorgeous and everyone's been talking about me. I hang up the jacket and have a telepathic conversation with my Mom for approximately 45 minutes until the class is over.

Finally the torture ends. Even though everyone leaps right out of their seats and stumbles blindly for the door, a seriously ugly chess player comes over and asks me where my next class is. Everyone turns around to watch the show- after all, our conversation is utterly fascinating, don't you think?

The guy- Eric, he's called- won't shut up and my utterly narcissistic self considers running away so he won't ruin my marvelous reputation. But I'm a good girl, remember? I just don't do those kinds of things.

So I let the creep lead me to my next class, adore me for a sec and then he leaves. I sigh in relief.

The day flies by and I lie a lot. Liar, liar, pants on fire! I'm so going to hell for this. I never lie. I'm a good girl.

I go to lunch and boom! My world explodes when I see the Cullens. They. Are. Hot. So hot, it takes Steph- my MarySue-loving author- two whole pages to describe them! Such beauty… Maybe I can use my new popular status to hook up with one of them in the janitor's closet. But, lo and behold! The author just made a girl named Jess tell me they're evil and arrogant! Oh, no! And the plot thickens… The cutest guy ever keeps watching me out of the corner of his eye! I think his name is Edward.

Jess destroys my hooking up daydreams by saying all of them are taken. Except… Eddie! How convenient!

Jess and I talk and gossip until the bell rings and I run to my bio class 'cause good girls should never, ever, be late. At least that's what it says on How to be a good girl for Dummies page three paragraph 7. I memorized it.

Whatever! I stumble into the lab- literally- and Eddie keeps looking at me funny. I sit next to him and he turns his head away. OMG! Do I, like, stink? I swear I took a bath just last week!

After 45 minutes-two and a half pages- of pure, undiluted Edward Cullen, a guy named Mike stops by. Ed skips out of the classroom and I realize we won't be hooking up anytime soon. Damn! I'll have to settle for the gorgeous captain of the football team. Poor me!

After hitting a few people with balls in gym, I go to the Mrs. Cope's office and Alas! Eddie is there! He glares at me a stomps out after I realize he is trying to change his bio class. OMG! Why? Was it me? Oh, wait, of course I caused that! I'm the center of the universe- and a MarySue.

I talk to the red-headed woman briefly and lie again. Damn it! This'll probably be in my school record! I throw a brief pity party for one in my beloved Herbie as I drive home. I love Herbie. He's the only man for me…

The next day, you, dear reader, discover I am bipolar. Yes, darling ole me. Finally, a fault! But it's kinda endearing, isn't it? Of course it is! Shut up!

I didn't get to see Eddiekins for one whole day, so I spend all that time thinking about him- even though I don't even know him and learned his name yesterday. Fault #2: I just might turn into a stalker.

I e-mail my mom- who has nothing better to do with her new, young husband than worry about her daughter- and e-mail her before she calls my dad. 'Cause her talking to my dad would be a living nightmare and all.

After a week of fretting and daydreaming about Edwart- he, he, Edwart- he comes back. Yipee! I am so happy. Maybe now we'll hook up.

I run to biology and sit next to him.

"Hi. I'm Edward" He says. I have a brief heart-attack. His voice is sooo sexy! "You must be Bella"

After I say a myriad of stupid and mortifying things, we finish our lab practice in record time and start talking. He asks me about the weather. I find this really insulting. I mean, come on! The weather? I'm above that.

We talk about my boring family and I annoy myself as more of my stupidity becomes evident. Fault #3.

Super-Ed scampers off as soon as the bell rings. What the fuck? I sigh and trudge out the door. I'm bored, and the possibilities of our hooking up are 0.

The next day is sunny. Hallelujah! I skip off towards the school 'cause I really wanna see Eddie again. Heh, heh. OMG! Sugar rush! Yippee!

I park my truck and look at the chains my daddy put across the tires. My eyes well up and I start bawling. Oh, no! Not the PMS again!

Suddenly, my spidey-sense starts tingling and I turn around just in time to see a van coming at me. Ouch, that's gonna hurt.

I don't even try to move. In case you don't know it, I've always had a dark suicidal side. Oh, but you don't, do you? That doesn't come up until book 2. Sorry!

Whilst I think about random randomness and bunnies, a rock cracks my head on the pavement. I start crying.

"Bad rock!" I whimper. The rock starts cursing. Whoa, this is just like a dream I had 5 months ago. OMG! Am I drunk again?

"Bella, are you alright?" I turn to face the rock and see Mr. Sexy Eddie there instead. Oops.

"I'm fine" I say, licking my lips sexily.

"What was that you said about a rock?" He asks. I blush- Fault #4 is becoming evident. Everyone starts yelling and crying and calling 911 because they're scared my awesomeness has left the world forever.

I stand up.

"It's OK, everyone. I'm alive. No need to worry" I yell, causing heads to turn in my direction. The people keep screaming and I realize they weren't worried about me- they cared about Tyler.

I wrap my head around my arms and start sobbing. I grab one of the little white pills I keep in my lipstick case and push it up my nose. The world starts spinning and I grin.

"Can I have one of those?" Cullen asks. I nod happily and he takes one and snorts it all up.

"That'll be $30" I say. He gives me the cash and we lay back, waiting to be rescued.

"Dude" Edward grins.

"Not dude, dude, dudette" I say happily.

"Whoa" Edwards whispers. Whispers, whiskers, wuskers. Wuss! Was, wasabi, wasom…

"What?" I ask, and whether I'm talking to him or to my high self is impossible to determine.

"Would you look at the size of that unicorn?" No, but I'll take a look at the size of your crotch.

"It's huge!" Oh, I agree.

"It's also very sexy, don't you think?" Yep. The fact that you have a boner really turns me on.

"Bella!" My daddy shrieks, running into my arms. "I thought I would never see you again!"

"Wait a minute, Dad" I say slowly. "Shouldn't you and Billy be making out in his room right now?"

"I told you not to tell anyone!" He whispers. I roll my pretty little wittle eyes.

"Oh, puh-leez, Dad" I answer "Everyone knows there's more than friendship between you two. Right, everyone?"

Everyone nods. God, I love him!


"Bella, I think you might have a concussion" Mc SexGod says, appearing out of the nothingness. He takes my head in his hands and I start drooling at his dreaminess. Maybe I shouldn't rule out the broom closet, yet. Or the back of Charlie's cruiser…

"Bella! Bella, breathe! Breathe, dammit!"

Edward starts shaking me violently, screaming 'breathe' every few seconds. WTF? Maybe the high hasn't worn off for him…

"I'll trade my apples for your avocadoes" I stutter. Mc Sexy stops shaking me and sighs.

"Finally!" He yells "She's finally making sense!"

"Have you ever been to Guatemala?" I ask.

"Of course not! I hate cheese!" He answers.

"I thought we had something special!" I shriek, tears in my eyes. Charlie looks dumbfounded as I stagger blindly into his arms.

"We'll take it from here" An EMT says, tearing me off him. I struggle against his iron grip.

"No! No! You don't understand! I don't hate cheese! I don't! I don't!" I yell. The last thing I see is a large, large needle coming towards my arm.