I remember Elliot saying she used to be suicidal when she was a teenager. But I didn't think any part of her was still that way. She helped save people's lives daily for Christ's sake. What kind of doctor even thought about suicide as the answer to their problem? Apparently... Elliot Reid did.

It happened a week ago. I went over to her apartment to visit. To just see her. I hadn't told her my love for her. Well... I had many of times over... but I never told her that I meant it. So any chance I had to see her, I took it. She had been depressed lately I knew. 'Like her world has ending...' This was almost immediately after she had called off the wedding with Keith. She didn't think her world was ending because of their break up, but just because she couldn't see herself getting that close to marriage with anyone else. But even as I entered her home, the vibe was completely different.

"Elliot?" I yelled into the apartment, but no response was yelled back. She was probably still asleep, was the first thought that popped into my mind.

So I walked around to the different doors, knocking on each one. The bedroom door, no one answered, and no one was there as I opened the door. I walked into the room more, and noticed that her bathroom door was closed. "Elliot?" I asked again loudly, as I neared closer to the door.

And now was when I began to get worried. Why wasn't Elliot answering any of my calls? "Elliot? Are you there?" I asked again, before placing my hand on the doorknob, and opening the door.

And when it rains
On this side of town, it touches everything
Just say it again and mean it
We don't miss a thing

A sudden spark of emotion hit me like a ton of bricks. The instant I saw the figure of Elliot, laying on the ground, and the empty pill bottle on the counter tears slowly came out of my eyes. "Oh my God! Elliot!" I screamed, kneeling beside her. Thinking back, I remembered the moment she grabbed those pills, saying they were for her heart attack patient.

"ELLIOT! ELLIOT! NO!" I screamed, lifting her head into my arms, and holding it. I looked into her blue eyes, my heart melting. "I love you." I whispered, knowing very well now, that it wasn't enough.

And I remember sitting there with Elliot for a really long time, the exact amount of time unknown, without being able to do anything but think about all the signs she showed, that I and everyone else seemed to ignore or think nothing of. Tears were falling almost nonstop as I looked upon the body of the woman I loved. Had loved. But finally, I knew I had to call someone, so I called the cops. Then I called Turk, knowing that if anyone could even partly cheer me up, it would be Turk.

You made yourself a bed
At the bottom of the blackest hole
And convinced yourself that it's not the reason
You don't see the sun anymore

And now, that week later... I'm sitting on the couch, watching TV. The couch that Elliot and I had made love before. And the couch where we sat many nights, just watching a movie, and eating pizza.

I had heard Turk and Carla talking about me just sitting on their couch, daily. The argument was always the same. Carla would come up to Turk and tell him I had to leave. Then Turk would defend me, and tell Carla I had just lost my best friend and the woman I loved. They would go back and forth for a while until finally Carla gave in, started crying about Elliot herself, and Turk held her until she had once again ran out of tears. But I never ran out of my own tears. And I wish I could have. Officially starting a list of the reasons I was envious of Carla... her tears ran out, and she was with the person she loved most in the world.

"JD? Dude?" Turk sat next to me, making this day completely different than the previous six.

All I did was grunt.

"You have work today..." Turk said quietly.

"How can I work?" I asked, forming the most words that I had in the last week. Other than the words I had formed when I was sitting in the bathroom with Elliot's body. "How can I help save people's lives when the one I value most is no longer here?"

"Because that's what you do. You save people's lives, and you do a hell of a good job of it." He patted me on the back.

I looked at him, "Then why couldn't I save hers?"

He didn't say anything, and the look on his face made it seem like the words were stuck in his throat. Then finally, it came out, "Dude. No one knew that Elliot was thinking about ending her life. None of us knew."

"There were so many signs..." I looked at my hands.

"We just missed them."

"Yes. But how could we? We were supposed to be the people in her life who knew her best."

"It just happens. Everyone has someone in their life commit suicide, and each and every single one of them wonders why they couldn't see the signs."

"I still should have seen them..." I said quietly, hoping Turk didn't hear.

But he did. "Elliot wasn't a hard person to read, but we just didn't know she was capable of what she did. None of us did."

"But I loved her. I should have known."

"Sometimes... that's not enough. Sometimes people are just too good at closing off on letting people know their emotions." He paused. "Now get up. We have to be at work in fifteen." And he got up and went to the bathroom.

I still thought I should have seen it. Or at least known why...

And oh, oh, how could you do it?
Oh I, I never saw it coming
Oh, oh, I need an ending
So why can't you stay just long enough to explain?

Work was a complete drag. I tried my hardest to keep my cool around patients. But once I was in the break room, all I did was lay on the couch. Staring at the TV and whatever the other person in the room had on.

No one was giving me a hard time today. The Janitor hadn't made a trap door in the bottom of the elevator floor. Dr. Cox hadn't gone on a rant that involved calling me Emily. And Todd hadn't asked for a high five after looking at some woman's ass only to find out it was a guy with ridiculously long hair. ...which seemed to happen quite often. No one was bothering me. And I knew the reasoning for it. Carla had threatened them not to. I knew because I saw her wagging her finger at the Janitor. And even though the sight would usually cause me a chuckle, or an elaborate daydream, I was too depressed for that to happen.

And like the woman had ears of magical powers that could even detect thoughts about her, Carla walked into the room. "Bambi..."

"You haven't called me that in forever."

She sat herself in the small area that was left next to my legs. "Desperate times call for desperate measures." She smiled at me. "Why are you laying here?" She asked me.

"I can't do anything else."

"You have patients out there... needing to be treated." She said. "You're all they got." She looked at me, tears forming in her eyes, and I knew it was because every time she looked at me, she thought of Elliot.

"Yeah." I sat up. "You're right." As much as I was crying, I still couldn't stand anyone else doing so. And I knew all that Carla wanted was for me to feel better, and to get better.

And when it rains
Will you always find an escape?
Just running away
From all of the ones who love you
From everything

Carla grabbed my hand as we walked onto the ICU. I lightly smiled when she looked at me. But still, I was surprised the empty feeling I had inside my stomach didn't knock me over.

Randomly though, I felt a vibration on my leg. My phone was ringing. My phone hadn't rang in over a week. So with my free hand I grabbed it out of my pocket, only to see the name 'Kim' on the screen. I was taken back, but I picked up the phone. "Kim?" I asked, and Carla stopped walking along with me.

"Hey JD." She quietly said, then sighed heavily. "How are you?"

"I'm guessing you heard." I leaned against the wall behind me, still having Carla right in front of me, staring.

"Yes. I did. So how are you doing? How are all of you doing?"

"We're... as good as we can be..." I nodded to Carla, and she nodded back to me, and then walked away.

"I'm so sorry. Elliot was such an amazing woman. I know how much you all loved her. I loved her too."

"Yeah. She was amazing." I lightly smiled, thinking about all the great qualities of Elliot. "How's Sam?"

"He's fine. You know, being a baby and doing baby things. I'm more worried about you."

"I'll... I'll be fine. I just need time, you know? It did only happen a week ago. I'm still a little emotionally... tired. If you could call it that."

"I completely understand. Well, let me know if you need anything from me and Sam, and we'll be there in a heartbeat. Let me know when the funeral is when you find out more about it."

Crap. I didn't even think about the whole funeral factor until now. "Will do. Thanks for checking up on me Kim."

"Anytime Johnny." I could sense her smile through the phone, she was referring to the first day I met her when I told her I was fine with being called Johnny... I really hated it.

I lightly laughed, to help her think she had made me smile. "Bye Kim."

"Bye JD."

You made yourself a bed
At the bottom of the blackest hole
And you'll sleep till May and you'll say
That you don't want to see the sun anymore

I hung up the phone, and with one more sigh, pushed myself off the wall, and continued walking towards the ICU. Only to be stopped by the Janitor, by him placing his hand outward to stop me from walking any further. "Hey. Sorry about Blonde Doctor."

"Are you being nice to me?" I asked. Surprised by the Janitor's niceness. He wasn't a mean man, but he hasn't really nice to me either. He usually tried his hardest to think of something new and fresh to do to me.

"I decided to not kill you today. You loved Blonde Doctor." And he placed his hand on my shoulder.

"Yeah. I did love her."

The Janitor smiled at me, a crooked smile. "You'll be alright. All it takes is a little time and a little sunshine."

He continued to smile at me. "Thanks buddy." I said, touching his shoulder in return.

"Don't touch me." My hand quickly came off his shoulder. "Just kidding. It's hard to adjust to. This whole... being nice to you thing."

"I understand." And I said quickly, and smiled up at him as best as I could.

We just stood there for a few seconds, just looking at one another. Neither of us knew what to do, or what to say next. "Happy healing." He finally said, walking past me with a pat on the back... a hard pat. I nearly fell to the ground as he walked away. I knew that Janitor attitude was still in there somewhere.

And oh, oh, how could you do it?
Oh I, I never saw it coming
Oh, oh, I need an ending
So why can't you stay just long enough to explain?

And finally I made it to the ICU. As nice as it was that everyone was making sure I was doing ok, at the same time I just wanted to try to have a normal day. Maybe to where I didn't think about her at very instant.

So I walked, talking to my patients, but at the same time barely saying anything at all.

The hours went on, and on, and on. They were really slow, and nothing seemed to make them go faster. Not the huge box of donuts that Turk had somehow managed to find at 8 at night. Not the occasion calling of 'Bambi' from Carla. And not even the fact that Dr. Cox was treating me like a fellow doctor.

"Newbie." I heard behind me as I was standing at the nurse's desk, filling out some papers.

"Yes?" I asked without turning around.

"Go home."

I felt a hand on my shoulder, and as I turned around I saw Dr. Cox in a different light. "Thank you." Was all I had to say. Then he walked away. To anyone else... that wouldn't be a pep talk from a person, but when you had the relationship Dr. Cox and I had, you knew that was enough to make you smile a little bit.

Take your time
Take my time

When I got home, I didn't automatically go back to the couch, like I originally planned. Instead, I stripped off my clothing and took a shower. A long needed shower. And while doing that, I blasted some music so I could hear it over the water that was landing on my skin. It was exactly the kind of therapy that I needed.

I took a good half hour shower, and when I got out I got into some comfy pajamas. Ones that were actually clean. And I went to go sit on the couch. But this time it was actually because Carla was sitting there.

She heard me the instant I walked in the room, and turned around. She smiled at me lightly. "You smell nice J.D."

I laughed. "I thought it was about time to start smelling good again."

"You're laughing..." She quietly said, as I sat right next to her.

"I am." I continued smiling at her, as she wrapped her arms tightly around me.

"It's good to see you're starting to come back around."

When she let me go, I could see tears falling out of her eyes. I put both my arms around her, and pulled her closer to me. "I know." I rubbed her back lightly, not knowing what else to say. Is this how everyone else felt like dealing with me? Is this why Dr. Cox had nothing else to say other than, 'Go home'?

After about five minutes, Carla released herself from my arms, and looked up at me. "How do you do it?"

"Do what?"

"Handle her being gone?"

I lightly chuckled again. "Have you seen the way I've been handling her being gone this entire time?"

"J.D., to me, you've actually been handling this better than I would if Turk had suddenly killed himself. You went to work today. I would not be able to do that. I would be completely lost without Turk. And I know you're completely lost without Elliot. But somehow... you managed to save people's lives today. Somehow, you managed to be the person who was calling out orders when a patient was fastly dying, and saved their life. Somehow, you were able to manage me."

"Manage you? What do you mean manage you?"

"You may have not realized it, but I have cried every single day in that hospital since the day Elliot died. But seeing you being able to handle it, keeping your head on straight to save your patients, actually saved me." Tears started to fall out her eyes once again.

"Carla..." I held her again.

"How do you do it? How are you not a complete wreck right in this very instant?"

"Because I've already cried a million tears." I pushed her away, to look into her eyes. "Look at me Carla." And she did. "Does this look like the face of a man who isn't suffering?" A single tear fell out of my eye.

"No." And she wiped it away.

"I'm not ok. I just handle the pressure, the empty feeling a different way than you. I... don't want to wake up in the morning anymore. I don't want to do anything but sit on his goddamn couch and watch some goddamn sitcoms, so maybe I can laugh again, and not think about her for one second. But it doesn't work. The reason I was so in the zone today, was because I was doing it for Elliot... so maybe the people who love these people don't have to suffer like we do without Elliot. Like me without Elliot. How in the hell am I supposed to find someone new, when I loved Elliot so damn much? Why did she do this, Carla? Why did she leave me here? I can't do anything without thinking about her, because she was always there. I've always loved her. From the very first second I saw her. From the very first second our lips touched. I love her Carla. What am I supposed to do without her?"

By this time I was a lake of tears. I couldn't control it anymore, and as Carla tried her hardest to think of something to say, I completely broke down. All she could do was wrap her arms around me, and hold me close to her. "She didn't leave you. She left all of us. As for what you're going to do without her... I can't help you there J.D. Like I said earlier, I cannot even imagine life without Turk, so how I am supposed to tell you this when I don't even know what I would do myself?"

"Carla?" I asked, still muffled against the seat of the couch. "What kind of doctor commits suicide?"

Carla paused for quite a few moments, and it took her a while to think of something to say, but when she did, she said something really amazing. "The kind that can't handle the pressure of other people's lives and her own at the same time."

"But she had me." I said, sitting up again.

"Maybe she didn't know that..."

Take these chances to turn it around
Just take these chances, we'll make it somehow
And take these chances to turn it around
Just turn it around

I had the next day off, and not because I had begged for it off. I had always had this day off. So had Elliot. I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, not knowing what to do with my day. "J.D.?" I hear Turk come into the room.

"What's up?" I ask, continuing to look up at the ceiling.

"The funeral's tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?" I pushed myself up on my elbows to look at him.

"Yeah... tomorrow..."

"Right..." I laid back down to look at the ceiling again. "Tomorrow..."

I closed my eyes, and the image of her popped into my mind. 'How could she do it?'

And oh, how could you do it?
Oh I, I never saw it coming
Oh, oh, how could you do it?
Oh I, I never saw it coming

The next day came quicker than I expected it to. Quicker than I wanted it to. But it did come. And as I dressed in my suit and tie, I remembered the last time I wore it. The last time Elliot and I were dating, right before Turk and Carla were about to get married. I sighed loudly, and wished more than anything that Elliot was here tying my tie for me, and that the reason I was wearing this suit was for a completely different reason than her death.

I walked out into the living room, Turk and Carla waiting for me. Carla softly smiled towards me, and Turk just patted me on the back. "Ready to go?" Carla asked so quietly, I was surprised I heard her question.

"As ready as I'll ever be."

"Yeah..." She looked at the ground, and Turk held her closer to him. I would do anything to be able to do that for Elliot.

After fifteen minutes, we were there. The three of us sat in the front row, paying respect for our best friend. For the woman I loved. Her father talked about Elliot. Carla talked about Elliot. Then the words, "And now, Jonathan Dorian, has some words about our dear friend Elliot."

My eyes nearly popped out of my head, and I turned directly toward Carla, and began to loudly whisper, "I have some words to say? Why didn't anyone tell me about this?"

She looked just as surprised that I didn't know about this. "I told Turk to tell you!" She whispered back.

We both turned our heads to glare at Turk. "Sorry?" He shrugged.

I took a heavy sigh, and headed my way up in front of everyone. My hands began to get sweaty. And not because I didn't want to talk in front of this many people. But because I had to talk in front of this many people, about her. I took another breath, and looked out at the crowd. "Hey." No reaction came from anyone's face. "I was Elliot Reid's best friend. When I was down, I went to her to talk to. And I expected for her to do the same. Which she usually did. We shared many things together. We lived together multiple times. We played jokes on each other. We shared memories. No one could ever replace what Elliot meant to me. You know in life how you have those people who make you feel better just by seeing their face, or having them say one simple thing to you? That person for me was Elliot." I closed my eyes, tears piercing them, but I tried my hardest not to cry. I then opened them again. "I was in love with Elliot Reid. And I was never able to tell her that. Well, I had many opportunities to, I just never did. Honestly every time I realized it, she was with someone else, or was just too emotionally unavailable to handle. It's true they say you always want what you can't have. And now I know I should have just told her I loved her. So if you learn anything from the death of Elliot Reid, listen to me when I say, don't ever let an opportunity pass you by. If you love someone, tell them. Because I will never get over Elliot Reid... especially since she died, not knowing I loved her. Maybe if I had told her, we wouldn't be here right now." The tears were now uncontrollable, as words were now hard to let escape. "If Elliot were alive right now, I would be on the couch with her, watching TV, and eating pizza. I'll never forget her and all the memories she gave to me. None of us will ever forget her... because she was the kind of person that no one ever wanted to let go. I don't know why she did this, or how she thought no one was there for her. But all I know was that Elliot Reid was the greatest person I had ever known." And then I was done, barely being able to move.

Oh, oh, how could you do it?
Oh I, I never saw it coming
Oh, oh I need an ending
So why can't you stay just long enough to explain?

Hours later, no one was left at the grave site. No one, but me. So I sat there, face to face to the place where Elliot's tombstone was. I still didn't understand it. How could Elliot have killed herself? She had me. I sighed. But she didn't know she had me. If only I had told her how much I loved her. I just wished this empty feeling would leave my body. This aching heart. Because I could not imagine life without her.

The winds began to pick up as the night began to fall on me, and where Elliot now lay. How was I supposed to move on from this? From her?

I just wish she would have told me. Would have told anyone. "I love you Elliot Reid." I said to her name, engraved in a beautiful font. I wish we could have gotten to the point of our lives, the point of her life where I could told her I loved her. So that one day, our names were next to each other, and we were near each other in the ground. Together. Forever. We never got that chance.

She could have taken all the time in the world to figure this out. She didn't need to end her life. Heck, she could have taken my very own time. She could have had all of it if she needed it. Another single tear rolled down my cheek as I stood up. "Good bye Elliot. Thank you for coming into my life. I don't know what I would have done without you." A small smile formed on my face, as I began to walk away, going home for a much needed sleep.

You can take your time
Take my time


(It took me forever to write this... but I'm very proud of it. I could have added some more details, there were a couple more things part of me wanted to add... but then I thought maybe it'd be a little way too long. haha. Reviews please. I worked really super hard on this.)