Author Notes: Okay! So…this is what comes out of my head at one in the morning. XD Yeah. It's based off "That's Your Horoscope for Today" by Weird Al Yankovic, so you might want to listen to the song first, otherwise, this will make absolutely no sense at all! And in other news, I bear no grudges! None! I love all the characters! I just tried to pick the verses that matched them most! And I have already apologized to them. :3 So, anyway, enjoy!
Another Note: Sorry if it's for some reason all underlined and bolded. I've got no clue why that happened to the document…if it's not, then I suppose it's fixed, but this is just in case.
Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts! But you all probably knew that already! Oh well.
That's Your Horoscope For Today
News was traveling through the castle fast. For some reason, Roxas was going to give a horoscope report. Nobody really knew why, but they decided to attend for one reason or another. And so, everyone gathered together in the performance hall, where Roxas was now standing on stage. Once everyone came inside, Roxas took the microphone.
"Here…" Roxas smiled happily, "is your horoscope for today." Suddenly, music started to play in the background. Everyone looked around in a confused fashion. And nobody expected what happened next. Roxas started to sing!
"Aquarius!" Roxas shouted, singing happily, a mischievous grin upon his face.
"Oh, that's me," Vexen smiled a little.
"There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus!" Roxas reported. "Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day!"
"…What?" Vexen's eyebrow twitched a little. "Whack-A…?" There were snickers throughout the room as Vexen sunk lower into his chair.
"Pisces!" Roxas called out, laughing quietly while singing.
"Maybe mine will be better," Demyx nodded, getting ready to listen to his report.
"Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus!" Roxas boldly stated. "You are the true Lord of Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say!"
"Huh?" Demyx looked down at the table, confused.
"Aries!" Roxas continued. Lexaeus looked up, expecting the worst. "The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon! Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf and give a hickey to Zexion!" Lexaeus looked even more confused than Demyx, trying to make sense of what Roxas had said. Zexion was fuming in the corner, sitting by himself at a table.
"Taurus!" Roxas went on.
"This had better be good…" Xemnas murmured.
"You will never find true happiness!" Roxas grinned happily. "Watcha gonna do, cry about it?"
"What?!" Xemnas stood up.
"The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and go to bed!" Roxas finished the "Taurus report".
"That's your horoscope for today! Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah! That's your horoscope for today! That's your horoscope for today! Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah! That's your horoscope for today!" Roxas sang what appeared to be a verse that would be repeated throughout the song.
"Gemini!" Roxas continued the song.
"Wonderful…" Xaldin grumbled.
"Your birthday party will be ruined once again," Roxas kept on singing, "by your explosive flatulence! Your love life will run into trouble when your fiancé hurls a javelin through your chest!" Xaldin uneasily and slowly moved away the group of his lances that he had left by his chair.
"Cancer!" Roxas continued.
"Oh no," Xigbar said. "I was hoping he'd skip mine…"
"The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of your week face down in the mud!" Roxas sung gleefully. "Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test!"
"Wh…What?" Xigbar asked, not sure whether to feel insulted or not.
"Leo!" Roxas stated the name of the next report.
"Here it comes…" Axel prepared himself.
"Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face, oh no!"
"It's not?" Axel asked. "Dammit."
"Eat a bucket of tuna flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik!"
"Virgo!" Roxas continued and didn't give a solution to Axel's confusion, as expected.
"Great…me…" Luxord sighed in exasperation.
"All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent…" Roxas reported.
"Oh, why thank you," Luxord smiled, glad with his result.
"Except for you!" Roxas finished the statement.
"What?" Luxord's face fell into an insulted and disappointed frown.
"Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with a head impaled upon a stake!" Roxas smiled.
"What?! I'll show you impale--" Luxord started to stand up, and but Xigbar and Xaldin grabbed him and brought him back to his seat again.
"That's your horoscope for today! Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah! That's your horoscope for today! That's your horoscope for today! Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah! That's your horoscope for today!" Roxas sang the repeated verse. He then took a deep breath. And he sang what may be the longest verse sang in one breath ever. "Now, you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is ABSOLUTELY TRUE!" Roxas paused for a moment to catch his breath, then righted himself, and prepared to sing again. "Where was I?…Libra!" Saïx looked up, at least mildly interested.
"A big promotion is just around the corner…" Roxas sang. Saïx smiled a bit and looked over at Xemnas.
"For someone much more talented than you!" Roxas finished the line and Saïx looked back over at the teen on stage with shock.
"Laughter is the very best medicine," Roxas advised, a smile still constantly on his face. "Remember that when your appendix bursts next week!" Saïx frowned and looked down at himself, seeming genuinely worried that his appendix was going to burst any day.
"Scorpio!" Roxas continued. Zexion looked up, both concern and annoyance written across his face. "Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window!"
"Wh-What?" Zexion said quietly.
"Work a little harder on improving your low self esteem, you stupid freak!"
"I will kill you…" Zexion murmured angrily.
"Sagittarius!" Roxas went on, ignoring Zexion's obviously angry face glaring at him from across the room.
"Oh great…my turn…" Marluxia said in a nervous voice.
"All your friends are laughing behind your back! KILL THEM!" for the last two words, Roxas's voice became impossibly low and scary, and everyone looked up in wondering shock.
"That might be good advice…" Marluxia murmured, hand slowly reaching for his scythe.
"Take down all those naked pictures of Demyx you have hanging in your room!" Roxas added on the end of the report.
"No!" Marluxia shouted loudly. "No way!"
"Huh?!" Demyx looked up in scared shock.
"Capricorn!" Roxas finally came to the final sign.
"Looks like it's my turn…" Larxene sighed in annoyance.
"The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person," Roxas went on.
"Exactly," Larxene smiled and nodded.
"But you know they're lying!" Roxas finished the line.
"What?!" Larxene said angrily.
"If I were you," Roxas advised, "I'd lock my doors and windows and never never never never never never leave your room again!"
"Roxas!" Larxene growled.
"That's your horoscope for today! Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah! That's your horoscope for today! That's your horoscope for today! Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah! That's your horoscope for today! That's your horoscope for today! Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah! That's your horoscope for today! That's your horoscope for today! Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah! That's your horoscope for today!" Roxas finally stopped singing, and the music ended. There was total silence as Roxas bowed.
"Well?" Roxas asked, smiling. "How was that?"
"You really want to know what I think…Roxas?" Xemnas growled in a low voice.
"Uh-huh," Roxas nodded.
"GET HIM!" Xemnas bellowed as the entire organization chased Roxas down the hall, yelling and running in angry mob formation.
"Wait, I didn't mean it!" Roxas shouted as he tried to get away. "I'm sorry!!!"