Summary: Jacob, Bella, and this is all she can give.
Author's Note(s): So, this is a poorly executed idea I couldn't let go of. If it sucks, well, I blame it on the fact that it's about, oh, three in the morning. Ugh. And to think, I have work in five hours. Yuck. Unbeta-ed.
Disclaimer: Well, let's see. Nope. I still don't own Twilight. Or, you know, that other bit.
our love is waning
"Oh, that's disgusting," Bella complains, gaze moving away from the television. She focuses on Jacob, who is sitting beside her. His eyes are focused on the carnage on screen; as a woman's scream rings throughout the living room Jacob grins.
"That is so fake," he laughs, shaking his head in amusement. "I mean, did you see that chunk he took out of her? And with his teeth, too! No way that'd happen in real life."
Bella cringes, chances a glance back at the television just as a zombie tears into the lead male. "Next time we get together I'm in charge of picking the movie, okay?"
Bella's chest tightens at the slip of tongue. The next time Jacob and Bella will see one another is at her wedding tomorrow evening, and after that she's not too sure. Beside her, Jacob is tense, hands curled into fists atop his thighs. He breathes heavily through his nose as his body trembles violently. The couch vibrates beneath Bella, and she opens her mouth to apologize when the movement abruptly stops. The words get lodge behind Bella's teeth as she watches Jacob's chest rise and fall. His fists unclench, and Bella's throat seizes up as he turns slowly to face her, a frown on his face.
"I don't know," he answers quietly. His voice is hesitant, expression weary. "You're not going to pick one of those old movies are you? Because, I have to tell you, there's only so much virtue and repressed passion I can take."
The stiffness of Bella's shoulders melts away with relief. She doesn't want to argue tonight. Doesn't want Jacob to question her, dig up all her uncertainties.
"I have excellent taste in movies," Bella sniffs.
The corners of Jacob's mouth quirk tiredly up. "Sure you do."
"I do," Bella mutters darkly, folding her arms across her chest.
Jacob's grin widens, and he leans forward to kiss Bella's exposed shoulder. Her heart gives a surprised jump, her limbs slowly unwinding as Jacob's damp breath fans across her skin.
"What are you doing?" Bella hates how her voice shakes. She hates how aware she is of Jacob, how her body craves the nearness of him.
"I'm not sure."
"Jacob," Bella whispers as he pulls back. "I'm getting married."
His tone, so resigned and somber, makes Bella's whole body ache. When her gaze meets his she's met with the same wide, open look Jacob wore when he confessed he loved her. She swallows thickly, reaches out to lay a comforting hand on his arm. Her outstretched fingers halt millimeters from Jacob's flesh, limb falling limply to her side before she can make contact. A small part of her is afraid to touch Jacob. She's not sure she'd be able to stop, and the thought is frightening beyond belief.
"I'm sorry. I just—Maybe this wasn't the best idea."
They sit like that for some time, Jacob staring blankly at the rolling credits while Bella worries her bottom lip. She wants nothing more than to comfort him. If only I could take his pain away, she thinks, make it my own. She would do it gladly, vacuum it out and hold it all within her until it burned up all her insides. She tries to think of some way to ease his growing hurt, but all her ideas seem fruitless.
"I think I should head home."
Bella quickly agrees. She doesn't want Jacob near her if it will only make him feel worse. They walk toward the front entrance of Charlie's house, the both of them silent, lost in their thoughts. Bella wants to say something, wills words to come forth. She can think of nothing to say though, and a dull twinge assaults her chest as Jacob reaches for the doorknob.
Jacob's name slips from Bella's lips before she can stop it. He stands frozen, his massive back to her. All of Bella hums alive with a raw energy, her heart hammering loudly in her ears.
"Kiss me," Bella blurts, the words a breathless rush.
She has barely a moment to acknowledge her rash request before Jacob's face dips toward hers. His mouth presses hard against her own, moving and sliding with an urgency that makes her heart speed up. One of Jacob's large hands slips along Bella's shoulder, moves up the pale column of her neck to cradle the back of her head. His thumb traces lightly over the sensitive skin near her ear. She gasps at the dizzying sensation, the warm inside of her mouth opening to Jacob.
His tongue darts forward, curling against the back of Bella's teeth. Her breathing is ragged as Jacob's mouth moves away from hers; her tiny hands clutch tightly at his arms, as though he's the only thing anchoring her down to earth and any moment she'll float up and up and up toward heaven. He places openmouthed kisses along her jaw, and Bella's whole body shivers.
"Jacob," she pants out as he backs her up, her shoulders connecting solidly with the wall of the entry hall. "Oh, Jake."
Bella's standing on tiptoes, trying to press as much of her body against Jacob as she can. She can feel the heat of him through the layers of clothes, making her skin deliciously flush. Her whole being jumps in surprise as lithe fingers brush her hip, dance around her to slip beneath her loose fitting shirt. The pads of Jacob's fingers play along Bella's spine, and she arches up. Never like this, she hazily thinks as her lips part to drink Jacob in, Edward has never kissed me like this. The thought quickly tumbles away as Jacob pushes close to her, hips bumping Bella's. She is weak-kneed, ready to collapse.
A guttural groan escapes her as she tugs him nearer, a crackling fire roaring through her veins. Her legs part, and Jacob quickly moves in to fill the space, abdomen pressed tight to hers. He kisses her deeply as he lifts her, holding her firmly against the wall. Bella's legs wrap around Jacob, and she can feel him, really feel him. She shifts, and Jacob breathes in sharply, fingers tightening their hold on her waist.
"Tell me to stop," he pleads desperately, voice chocked. "Tell me this isn't what you want. Bella, tell me to go. Please."
The high pitched thrumming that has filled Bella's head these past minutes quiets. She knows this is wrong. Her mind screams at her to tell Jacob to leave and never return. But her blood is still pulsating wildly, and she is only able to manage a single word before Jacob's mouth descends on hers.
They staggers up the stairs, legs wobbly beneath them. They reach blindly out for one another as they make their way down the short second-story hallway. Limbs brush, fingers clutch, and Bella gives a nervous giggle as Jacob fumbles with her bedroom door. Her room is lit only by the moon streaming through her window, casting its silver glow on her bed.
She is suddenly shy, worrying the hem of her shirt as she eyes Jacob standing on the opposite end of the room. He is looking at her with something between awe and surprise, and she blushes under his gaze. She swallows thickly as she takes him in. He is all sinewy muscle, shoulders and arms and impossible height. He is more than that. He is warmth and life and companionship. He is her best friend, and her chest throbs with the flaming love she feels for him.
Bella knows being with Jacob the way her body craves at this very moment is wrong. It will only hurt the both of them more. It will hurt Edward. But this is all she can offer Jacob. It is the last piece of herself she has to give before she leaves him forever.
Bella takes a small step forward. Jacob's expression morphs to one of hesitance, and he shuffles awkwardly back until he is trapped between Bella's small frame and her closet door. Her palm cups Jacob's cheeks, and she smiles softly.
"Jacob," she whispers. "My Jacob."
She pushes up on the tips of her toes, places a feather light kiss on the hollow of Jacob's collar bone. His breath catches, and then he is surrounding her. Bella's senses burn with Jacob, and she is only half aware that they are moving across the floor. The backs of her legs hit the edge of her mattress, and she is tumbling into a never-ending abyss without a single care. All she knows is Jacob, his body moving steadily over hers.
He kisses her slower than before, softer. It reminds her of their kiss before the battle with the newborns, and Bella is unable to fight back tears as she helps Jacob undo the buttons of her flannel shirt. It falls open, and Jacob's touch is tentative as he skims his fingers along Bella's ribs. He traces the tops of Bella's breasts, and she quivers beneath him as nerve endings buzz to life, wraps her arms around him.
Jacob removes each article of clothing with the patience of someone participating in a long awaited religious experience, taking his time to revel in each inch of revealed flesh. He lavishes Bella's skin with moist kisses, the flat of his tongue writing words neither can manage to say. When there is nothing left between them he lies beside her, looks down at her with a solemn gaze.
"I don't know what to do," he confesses.
Jacob's eyes are too wide, too vulnerable. He's looking at Bella as though he'll never see her again.
"Stop that," Bella says, voice cracking on the command.
Her hands come up to cup her face. She doesn't want Jacob to see her cry. Not again. Not when it's the now-or-never moment, and all she wants is this and him and this. Bella doesn't want to be seen as weak. God, she's so tired of being weak. His grip on her wrist startles her, and she hiccups on a half formed sob, lets her hands fall away. He kisses her tear drenched cheeks, trails the pad of a forefinger down the line of her nose, traces the curve and dip of her upper lip.
Bella blinks back the oncoming tears, meets Jacob's gaze. He's still giving her that look, like he's trying to burn the picture of her onto his retinas, and it makes her whole body ache with a need to touch him. She knows that in his mind he is miles away, and she wants nothing more than to bring him back. She wants him here, his attention focused solely on this moment, on her.
Her stomach gives a nervous flutter as she holds Jacob's face in the cradle of her palms, tugs him down for a kiss. She puts all she can into this kiss. She drives up all her deep longing, the love for him that at various moments of time was like a black hole sucking her in. She pours into him the almost future they share, the foreign happiness he ignited within her. She wants him to understand that she loves him the best she can. She loves him fully and passionately with all the pieces her heart allows. She yearns for him to understand that this is all she can offer, all she can give him. This part of her will be forever his. Her last gift, and if anyone deserves it then Bella knows within the depths of her bones that it is Jacob.
Jacob is on top of her now, and Bella gives a low hiss as he delves within her. They are both tense, bodies unmoving as they acquaint themselves with the foreign sensation of being joined in the most intimate of ways. Then Jacob is moving, hips rocking awkwardly against Bella's. There's a prickling like that of needles as Jacob moves, but it fades bit by bit and Bella clutches at Jacob's shoulders, watches the taut skin of his throat as he slips easily in and out of her.
Bella's discomfort has morphed into a molten liquid, and she rises up to meet each of Jacob's steady thrusts. She is holding onto him as though he is a life preserver while she's stuck out at sea, and when their pelvises crash like waves she lets out short, strangled gasps. Jacob's name struggles from her lips, and she is hyper aware of his panting breath dampening the crook of her neck, aware of the slick feel of his flesh beneath her inflamed palms.
"Bells," he is saying, tone husky and full of an emotion so big it threatens to suffocate him. "Honey. Bell-uh."
She can feel the friction within her build, bubble up, balloon out. Above her Jacob becomes still, and Bella watches, fascinated, as he meets his release. Beautiful, Bella thinks, not sort of; Jacob you are beautiful, every part of you. Jacob slips from her, and the part of her soul that is irrevocably bound to him cries out. Jacob groans, buries his face into the bed.
His voice is muffled, defeated as he utters out, "I can't do anything right. I can't make you love me enough. I can't convince you to stay human. I can't even—" He cuts off abruptly, chest heaving. When he glances up at Bella his eyes are glassy. He pushes the hair at her temples back. "I'm sorry," he croaks.
"Don't…Don't do that, Jake. You were—are—You are so good. And I'm horrible. I'm selfish and horrible, and I hate how much I hurt you. How I'm still hurting you. So, no. No. You will not feel sorry." Bella's voice is ragged. It comes out with a fierceness that surprises even her.
Bella grabs hold of Jacob's wrist. "Here," she sighs, guiding his hand down to the space between her legs. "Here," she repeats, showing his fingers where to go.
Jacob's eyes widen. Then he's blinking, tears clinging to his dark lashes as he moves a finger down the length of Bella's opening, slips inside her once more. "Like this?" He asks, curious and frightened. His digit curls within Bella, her back pulling away from the mattress.
"Yeah," she breathes, lids fluttering shut, teeth biting down on her bottom lip. "Yes."
Her insides writhe as Jacob's hand works wonders on her. Another finger slides within her, curling and curling. Bella's toes curl, her spine curls, everything is curling. Jacob's tongue traces tight circles around an erect nipple as his thumb brushes her clit, her body jerking.
She's never know anything like this. She's never even imagines the swelling within her, the unstable feeling, the fire burning deep at her center, weaving out like the fine gossamer strands of a spider's wed until every inch of her is aflame. She clutches desperately at her sheets, her lumpy pillow, the sides of her mattress, Jacob. She holds onto him for dear life, afraid that if she lets go this will all turn out to be a dream.
Jacob continues to plunge his fingers in and out of her, swirling and swirling. Bella feels like a jack-in-the-box, a hot wire coil winding tighter with every brush and caress Jacob unleashes on her, willing her towards an explosive release, a rippling aftershock. She feels like splitting in two from pleasure, a jagged fissure straight down the middle of her, and oh. Oh.
"Bella?" Charlie's voice calls from downstairs, foggy and far away, as though Bella is suspended underwater, ears brimming with the brine of the ocean. She's barely aware of the sound of the front door shutting, the jingle of keys landing on the heavy console Charlie picked up from an alleyway in Port Angeles.
It's too late. Bella is falling apart, the thousands and hundreds and millions of strings that were holding her together have snapped away. She is flying through space, catapulting over land and sea and Jacob is there. His hand is covering her mouth, muffling her broken cries as Charlie moves around in the kitchen. Her stifling breath puffs through the crevices created by his fingers, and she bites down on his palm as waves of pleasure spasm through her.
"Hey, Kid," Charlie's voice floats up, closer than before. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," Bella rasps out, her body an exhausted, boneless heap. She clears her throats, meets Jacob's weighted gaze as she says louder, "I'm fine, Dad. I'll be right down."
Bella dies, twisting and crying out for mercy on a bed in Alaska.
The Cullens stand around her, their golden eyes sorrowful. Edward's hands clench and unclench at his sides while Rosalie throws curse after curse his way.
You knew, she accuses. You knew.
When Bella blinks into consciousness three days later, no one says anything about the faint heartbeat that faded away with hers. No one tells her how it was like the soft sound of a hummingbird's wings, or how it struggled.