Useless: Mukuro bored








As much as the Vongola loathed admitting it, but one of the main reasons the family had grown in power was because of one thing. Rokudo Mukuro's boredom. That is, if Mukuro was bored bad things happened. So Tsuna was constantly setting him out to take over families for them because if he didn't, horrible things happened. Such as one of the first cases Tsuna had to handle when he first became Vongola Decimo.

It was a normal day in the Vongola headquarters as the young newly appointed boss sat around trying to grow accustom to the fact that this gigantic office now belonged to him. That and the giant stack of papers on the desk. It kept growing to as the very eager Gokudera kept piling more and more, excited to be doing real work as his right hand man finally. As happy as Tsuna was for him, he didn't really want to do all this work. So he sat there leaning on his elbow staring at the pile.


Tsuna screamed sending papers flying into the air. He grabbed the desk to regain balance in his large, rolling chair. He then proceeded to stare at the ringing phone on his desk with large eyes. He started looking at the door, expecting Gokudera to be running in yelling about trouble but when the over eager silver haired man hadn't appeared he slowly reached for the phone.

"Uh, hello? This is, uh, Sawada Tsunayoshi." he gulped, not at all accustomed to actually answering the phone. He prayed Reborn couldn't see him or he would get a sharp kick right to the head.


"Aha, Boss welcome!"


"Kufufu, welcome to my hotline my dear Vongola Decimo."

At the sound of the last voice, Tsuna shuddered. The phone was away from his ear as soon as he had heard Gokudera's yelling voice but he could still hear all of them perfectly. So well that the purr that ended Mukuro's sentences he could hear clearly. He looked around his office then shuffled more comfortably in his chair.

"Uh, what's going on?" he asked, his answer was multiple sentences all jumbled together. They even ended at the same time and he was left as confused as he was before.

"Well, you see I seem to have gotten a little bored. So I found this lovely thing called Party Hotline. Isn't it wonderful?" Mukuro chuckled into the phone and their boss stared at the phone for a second before transferring it to his ear.

"What?" was his answer and then all of a sudden he heard dialing.

"This is so cool; I wonder who else we could call?" Yamamoto chuckled as the phone began to ring in the background.

"What the fuck are you doing you damn sword wielding maniac?" Gokudera screamed into the phone and Tsuna groaned.

"Uhh, Gokudera-kun remember the talk we had about keeping our voices down?" Tsuna sighed into the phone.

"VOII, what the fuck do you want you little bastard?" came the screaming in the phone. The Vongola boss groaned and held the phone away from his ear.

"What's up Squalo?" The Vongola swordsman said and they could all practically hear the smile in his voice.

"Get the fuck off the line you fucking Varia trash!" the silver head bomber hollered and the both began to scream words that no one could really understand. Yamamoto began to laugh in the background as Ryohei decided he was tired of being ignored and began to shout to.

Tsuna stared desperately at the buttons on his phone to look for the volume. However, the phone was in Italian and the buttons looked rearranged. He cursed the fact that he never did fully adapt to reading Italian at least. He rubbed his face and looked sorely tempted to turn off the phone.

"Now, don't do that Vongola Decimo, don't you feel like talking?" Mukuro questioned in a song like kind of voice. Tsuna furrowed his eyebrows, unsure of how the Mist guardian had managed to be heard over whatever the hell the silver haired males were saying.

"Oh, I know what we can talk about!" Yamamoto laughed and there was a brief silence, "How all silver haired people have the tendency to yell a lot!"

The leader of the biggest mafia group promptly fell out of his seat as the phone was now breaking his ear drums. Above all though, the creepy laughter of his fairly insane Mist and Rain guardians could be heard. Though as he lay on the ground, he could kind of see what Yamamoto was coming from.

" don't really think I'm loud?" Gokudera whimpered and Tsuna cursed his luck as he realized he had just said that out loud.

"Shut the fuck up, VOII! Remember I'm in the fucking Varia and I'll kill your little girly looking ass!" Squalo screamed into the phone before the boss could reply. The Decimo frowned and huffed.

"I'm tired of being called girly!" he stated in a stronger voice.

"Sorry Sawada you look like a girl!"

'Aha, and act like one sometimes boss."

"You'd make a pretty girl, Juudaime!"


"If it's any consolation, I'd rape you either way~."

Ringing could promptly be heard in the deafening silence as Tsunayoshi lay their taking that severe blow at his manhood. He had always acknowledged he was a bit on the girly side, but he didn't really think it was that bad. Sure he was fairly petite, and hadn't really shot up that high. Bu- that and his cheeks were kind of still round. His eyes hadn't lost that large, feminine look. "Oh good god," he thought, "am I really a woman?"

"You best have a good reason your calling me, you disgusting herbivore."

Tsuna checked. Nope he was still a man. BUT, he was now scared as a cat thrown into a pit of wolves.

"Who called Hibari-san?!" he wailed and a growl was heard.

"Sawada Tsunayoshi, why are you calling me? Explain yourself Rokudo Mukuro." was the answer and the brown haired boy sighed; of course Mukuro would call him.

"It's a party hotline!" was all that was said.

"So...what were we talking about? OH, that EXTREMELY funny comment from Yamamoto." laughed Dino and everyone paused.

"Uhh, Niisan, since when have you been here?" Tsuna sputtered out and there was another brief moment of silence.

"Since the very beginning, uh, Mukuro called me first!" he answered cheerfully and the boss sweat dropped.

"Aren't you supposed to be like, uh, handling family business?" The Vongola leader asked cautiously

"I got bored."

"ANYWAY, what the fuck is wrong with you? I'm not loud you bastard!" Gokudera screamed into the phone and Tsuna groaned again as the fight began again.

"VOII, you're louder then me!" Squalo hollered back and Ryohei laughed.

"I'm the extreme loudest!" Ryohei stated, and silence again filled the phone.

"I'm going to bite you all to death." Hibari growled and Dino began to crack up in the background.

"You know, I think your catchphrase is overused."

"It's not a catchphrase. Don't make me bite you to death."

"Actually, I think you should license it. Or else someone else will use it." Yamamoto had the gall to sound concerned.

"Ha, you fucking Varia bastard should license your catchphrase. Or hell maybe I'll be retarded like you and go VOIII, every fucking second." Gokudera did a eerily good imitation of Squalo's voice.

"Uh, who dialed another number?" Tsuna put out as he heard the phone ringing again.

"What the fuck are you calling me for you shitty piece of trash?" came the cold voice of the one and only Xanxus. If it wasn't beaten into him not to sob at every unsettling thing, Tsuna most likely would have cried then.

"VOII, why the fuck did you call him?" His right hand man hollered into the phone, and if it wasn't for the rest of the sentence his boss would have thought it was the Varia's swordsman.

"VOII, don't use my catchphrase!"

"I'm going to bite you all to death."

"Kyouya, you really should change your phrase."

"What the fuck are you doing you shitty piece of trash?"

"Kufufu, Xanxus-chan is repeating himself."

"Mukuro don't tease people!" Tsuna wailed into the phone as he heard the dangerous growl from the Varia boss.

"I think it's amusing! But man, Hayato you do a good expression of Squalo!"

There was an even bigger deafening pause.

"Since when did you call Gokudera-kun by his first name?" their boss exclaimed and there was another silence.

"Since we started sleeping with each other."

"Pay up, herbivore I told you so."

"Aw man, this is EXTREMELY bad for my wallet."

"Fucking saw this coming."

"VOII, what a fucking 'tard, what kind of shit sleeps with guys?"

"Squalo, you sleep with Xanxus."

"Ahaha, sometimes they are so loud that it gives me the chills~!"

"LUSSURIA?" Ryohei screamed.

"What the fucking VOII, are you on for?"

"Oh, I saw Boss having fun so I decided to come on. Now who are we playing with today?"

"More like finding out whose screwing who." Dino commented.

"Are all of you gay?" Tsuna choked out.

"Aha, Sawada it's EXTREMELY fun to be with guys."

"Personally, I'd screw Tsunayoshi-chan."

Silence dominated the phone call.

"To the extreme!"


"Fucking brat is starting to look like a woman."

"It would be kind of hot to have a threesome, right Hayato."

"Gomen, Juudaime."

"Herbivore is starting to ripe."

"Mmm, even though he's not my type at all, he is turning rather delicious."

"You guys are disturbing." the Vongola Decimo groaned.

"I could disturb you more." Mukuro purred.

"Please die." was the only response out of the renowned Vongola.

The sounds of dialing could be heard.

"Who the fuck is calling?" Xanxus questioned obviously angry.

"Moshi~, Moshi~ Byakuran here~!" came the cheery voice.

"Oh fuck no." Gokudera groaned.

"Welcome to the Mukuro Party Chat line," Mukuro giggled and Tsuna almost hung up at the creepy sound.

"VOII, did you just chuckle fucking pineapple hair?" Squalo shuddered out.

"Oh, Mukuro-chan have you come to chat with me again!" Byakuran giggled and the Decimo took the phone away from his ear and tried to rub away the goose bumps on his arm away a little before getting back on.

"Do you two do this often?" Dino asked curious at the familiarity.

"We get bored." they replied in unison.

"So what are you all talking about?" the white haired mafia boss.

"You know for a guy who tried to kill us all, you are EXTREMELY cheery." Ryohei casually remarked.

"Oh, it's okay now. I don't want to kill Tsunayoshi-kun now. I'd much ra-"

"If you say screw me, I'm sending Hibari-san to your base. Now."

"Don't order me around, Sawada Tsunayoshi but I'm tempted to wipe you out you damn herbivore."

"Hayato are you coming over tonight?"

"Don't hook up with me on here...but...I guess."

"Ooh, look how nice that sounds. Would you like to warm my bed tonight, Ryohei-kun?"

"That sounds EXTREMELY uncomfortable."

"VOII, boss don't come near my room with your fu-OW."

"Don't call me anymore you fucking piece of shit."

Sounds of...rape...could be heard. Tsuna shuddered for the umpteenth time.

"I want to call Sho-chan!"

"Then let's call Basil-kun."

"VOII, you mean the one who look more girly then the fucking brat?"

"Aren't you getting raped?"

"I think Sawada is the most EXTREME girly."

"Mm, Tsunayoshi-kun shall I come over as well?"

"Stay away from my prey."

"Ooh, is Kyouya-chan possessive?"

"Kyouya I thought we had something!"

"You're just convenient to sleep with."

Tsuna groaned deeply. This was just getting insane as he heard dialing in the background and the sounds of rape didn't seem to be stopping any time soon. Though from what he was hearing it was changing from rape to just plain sex. He had always though the job of Vongola Decimo would be riddled with darkness, but this was just plain disturbing.

"What even started all of this?" He managed to sob out.

"I get bored." Mukuro's voice seemed to carry to his ears under all the chaos on the line.


One Week Later

Tsunayoshi had finally managed to get the Party Chat line turned off around base and he now sat in front of his desk with an apologetic Gokudera bowing. After being handed more papers, and promptly ignoring the slight limp in his right hand man's step, he looked at the paper. He now had to deal with the accounting for Vongola; Reborn had thought it was a good idea.

Vongola Decimo rolled his eyes, only Reborn would think giving accounting to a mathematically challenged person such as himself was perfectly alright. He sighed and grabbed the top paper from the large pile and put it in front him. He then promptly grabbed his gloves from the desk determined to kill a few people, one of the definitely being his male Mist Guardian.


Cost: $50.00 per person

Amount of people: 100

Cost of Pizza: $20.00 per pizza

Number of Pizza: 100

Grand total: $7000

From then on, Mukuro was no longer aloud to be bored.





A/N: Forgive my crack. I think someone asked if I was going to make a series of "Useless" fics. I don't know but you'll definitely know its crack Reborn fics if it has Useless in the beginning.

No I'm not from the era of the "Party Chat line" but I thought it would just be something Mukuro would do if he was bored. Sorry for the OOCness of characters, I'm not particularly good at characterization of multiple characters.