A/N: Once again I was watching Buffy and got inspired by something Willow said after Oz left. So the quote belongs to her. Its basically after Chuck left for Bangkok. And after this, it of course mutated into something I'm not really sure is good at all. I'm not good at judging my own stuff so... that would be appreciated. There's also N/B friendship but that's it. He's just a filler since Serena was in Buenos Aires when her friend was falling apart.
Summary: I feel like I've been split down the center and half of me is lost.
Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me. All characters and timelines belong to Gossip Girl. The quote belongs to Buffy.
I feel like I've been split down the center and half of me is lost.
It was the fourth time that Blair had vomited that day. It wasn't a matter of binging and purging anymore. That aspect of her life was obsolete. She would think of... it just didn't matter. Her stomach would stir and she knew it was coming. Suppressing her emotions was one thing. But she just couldn't do that anymore. She couldn't hold it in anymore.
That was what the vodka was for. Blair pulled it from under the sink, unscrewing the cap. She shook it with disappointment. She couldn't drink like this anymore.
Then it would be gone.
Blair leaned back against the tiles. The first night she had found him gone she cried. It was the sensible thing to do. The next night, she cried again at the exact same time when she had first found is so called note. The third night, she cried for hours. The fourth, she cried for the entire day. The fifth, she had thought she was out of tears. She thought she had cried herself dry.
The truth was, she was just holding back until now. She thought she was empty. She hated him. He made her feel things she thought were dormant. Ever since her father left and the fiasco that was Nathaniel Archibald, she had promised herself that it would never happen again. Never again would she submit herself to a man. Yes, she still dated Nate. But it was different. Never again would she give her soul to a man for she knew that he would just tear out her poorly mended heart and smash it to pieces again.
That was the thing about Chuck Bass. He made you stupid. He made you think you were beautiful. He made you think you were safe.
He made you love him.
Because of him, she thought she was cherished and actually for the first time in her life... loved. Perish the thought.
Now she was broken all over again. And he wasn't here so she could curse him for it. The only thing to accompany her now was her shadow. And even that was trapped under her tremendous weight.
The weight of her emotions was too much. The dam was breaking under the enormous pressure and it just wouldn't hold anymore.
She almost fainted.
She wished she could. She wished for just one second she could actually lose consciousness or submit herself to sleep. Then she wouldn't feel whatever this was anymore.
Blair gasped for breath as she felt hot shame roll down her face. She couldn't breathe.
She couldn't breathe.
Under normal circumstances, Blair would have groaned under his horribly placed timing. There was nothing normal about these circumstances. There was nothing normal about her. And there never would be again.
Of course Nate Archibald would have to come at the worst time possible. And see her like this. It just made her hate herself even more.
There that was. The one thing that she couldn't stand more than anything.
It wasn't fair. She didn't even deserve pity. She wasn't the one going through anything. Yes, Charles Bass was incredibly selfish by just leaving her abandoned in her own cold bed, but she wasn't the one who needed help. She would have gone after him but he specifically asked her not to. And she couldn't disobey a request like that. She always listened to him. She always tried to do what he wanted. She wanted to make him happy.
She wished that someone would at least go after him. Just because she was inept didn't mean anyone else was. And they were just sitting there, like it was all over and done with. Lily was obviously having an affair with some washed out musician before Bart was even in the ground. Everyone was acting as though Chuck didn't exist anymore. No one understood.
"What are you doing here?" Blair said, repulsed by the vomit she could still taste in the back of her mouth.
"Come on," Nate sighed, kneeling next to her. He tried to take a hold of her to help her up.
"No," Blair groaned, pulling away from him. "You can't go and do that."
"You're drunk, Blair," Nate said with pity. Pity. It made her want to vomit even more than she already had.
"Why are you here?" Blair asked.
"You need help," Nate said firmly.
"Don't touch me," Blair said sharply. "You shouldn't be here. You should be looking for him. He's your best friend and you're just standing around like nothing happened."
"You need help, Blair," Nate said again, ignoring her question.
"Stop," Blair said, sitting up just to get away from him. "Just stop. Stop acting like nothing's wrong when everything absolutely is terribly wrong."
"What do you want me to do, Blair?" Nate asked, finally getting angry. "Even if I could go look for him, no one knows where he is. He's disappeared off the face of the planet. Where would we look?"
"It doesn't matter," Blair said, humiliated at the tears that were making yet another appearance. "He could be dying in a pool of his own vomit and you wouldn't care."
"I do care," Nate stressed. "But you obviously think you care more then me. So why aren't you going out and looking for him yourself?"
Blair sniffed. "Because he asked me not to."
"You were with him?" Nate asked, astonished.
"Yes," Blair snapped. "I was there the night after the wake, alright? I was there the night he left. He left me, Nate. Do you really think I could go after him when he doesn't even want me at all?"
"I..." Nate stuttered. "I didn't know."
"No," Blair sneered cruelly. "You never know. You never bothered yourself with it."
"Hey," Nate snapped. "Don't even think about pretending that you're the only one who misses him."
"You miss him," Blair shuddered with grief. "But you're not lost."
"Blair..." Nate said regretfully.
"You never thought it was real," she said, "did you? You thought it was just fleeting hormones."
"That's not..." Nate tried to deny.
"I don't know what to do, Nate," she said. "Do you know what that feels like? I feel like I've been split down the center and half of me is lost."
Nate spontaneously pulled her into a hug. She was stiff and unrelenting but there really wasn't anything else to say.
"He's not coming back," Blair said stalely.
"You don't know that," Nate said. "He won't grieve forever. He'll come back. He'll come back to us."
"If he felt that way..." Blair said, pulling away, "he wouldn't have left me in the first place."
"He didn't leave you," Nate said. "He just needed to get away."
"From me," she said sharply. "He always wanted to get away from me."
"That's not true," Nate replied. "You know its not."
"He couldn't even tell me he loved me. Because he doesn't."
"He does," Nate said reluctantly. "I know he does."
"And how did the great Nathaniel Archibald come to such a wondrous conclusion?" Blair asked acidly. Nate ignored the jab.
"Because," he replied. "He's the most loyal person I've ever met. To me. And he wouldn't betray me for just anyone."
Blair closed her eyes against the burning.
"And because he told me."
"Why would he tell you?" Blair asked.
"He was trying to apologize and it just came out," Nate said. "You know the reason he left. He just needed to get away from himself for awhile. But he'll come back. He'll come back."
"What makes you say that?"
"He needs to be with the people he loves," Nate said. "He needs to be cared about in his darkest hour. And he knows you do that for him. You always have. You always will."
And then they were interrupted.
Blair and Nate quickly looked to the older man in her bathroom doorway from the floor. Nate shifted uncomfortably.
"Who the hell are you?" he asked.
The man smirked.
"Jack Bass," he said extending a hand. Blair ignored it while Nate slowly got to his feet.
"Bass?" he asked.
"You're Chuck's uncle," Blair said dryly.
"So you are Blair," Jack said.
"Uncle?" Nate asked, looking at Blair expectantly.
"We talk," Blair said shortly, not elaborating on when and why Chuck ever divulged information about his estranged uncle to her and never to Nate.
"Yes..." Jack drawled. "That's specifically why I'm here."
"The point is that you are here," Blair spat. "Which you shouldn't be."
"Meaning?" he asked in confusion as Nate stood quietly in the corner.
"Instead of paying visits to your nephew's friends," Blair said icily, "why don't you go and do something useful. Like looking for your nephew."
"I can see why he likes you so much," Jack smirked and Blair immediately recoiled. Her gut instinct was to get away from him. But she couldn't when he was so connected with Chuck.
"You talked to him?" Blair asked.
"Last summer," Jack clarified. Blair closed her eyes against the vision. The pain of last summer was something she didn't really want to relive at this point.
"Listen," Nate cut in chivalrously. "I'm not really sure what a 40 year old is doing in a teenage girl's bathroom."
Blair wiped the remains of her tears.
"Actually, your parents invited me to their New Year's party," he said, addressing Blair. "They heard I was Chuck's uncle and they invited me right away. What could I do but say yes?"
"You're staying until New Year's?" Blair asked. "Don't you think your time would be better spent elsewhere?"
"Chuck is a Bass," Jack said. "He can fend for himself for at least a few days."
Blair really wished he would stop throwing his name around so cavalierly. Some people actually cared about his well being.
"I can see how partying would come first on the priority list," Blair said, masking her feelings. "Aren't you a little old for that sort of thing?"
He just smirked in amusement at her snide remarks.
"I don't see you looking for your so called friend."
Blair glared at him defiantly but couldn't voice her answer.
"You know him better," Blair said instead. "Like you said. He's a Bass. You think like him. You could find him faster than any of us."
"That doesn't answer the question of what you're doing up here," Nate said protectively.
"Like I said," Jack answered. "Looking for Blair."
"Me?" she asked.
"When I last talked to him..." Jack replied, "he had a lot to say about you. Mostly when he was drunk. I of course came after I heard about my brother. I thought Chuck could use a hand."
"That's funny," Blair replied. "Because I don't even remember seeing you at the funeral. I would have thought you would at least have come to pay your repects."
"Some things came up," Jack said vaguely. "I had to close some things up in the Australian branch before I could even think about coming down here."
"Really?" Blair asked suspiciously. "Because around here when someone's in pain, you usually try to be there for the person. But maybe that's just me."
"I'm here now," Jack said. "And I was planning looking for Chuck in the New Year. If that's alright with you."
"Whatever," Blair snapped, finally getting to her feet. "Let's just hope when you finally get to it, Chuck wouldn't have perished from alcohol poisoning."
Blair angrily left Nate and Jack facing each other in the bathroom.
"She sure is a spitfire," Jack remarked. "I can see why my nephew had such an obsession with her."
"It wasn't an obsession," Nate said, finding himself defending his broken friend. "He loves her."
"Maybe," Jack shrugged. "But maybe you've seen what happens when a Bass falls in love. Women tear your heart out. Its what they do."
"Sometimes," Nate said. "But you haven't seen the way Blair cares for him. And if you're smart, you'll stay away from her."
"Of course. I wouldn't dream of it. She is half my age after all," he said mockingly. Nate felt nauseous. He wasn't really good at this thing. He wished Chuck was back. He was always better at protecting. Ever since they were kids, Chuck was always the most loyal. And he was pretty sure he wouldn't want his predatory uncle preying on Blair.
"I'm just here for Chuck," he said, leaving the bathroom. Blair was sitting on the opposite wall of her room. Mascara was streaking her face again.
"Blair," he said, all too familiar for her taste. "Always a pleasure."
She hated as though he acted like he knew her.
"I'll see you at the party," he said as he left.
Blair was left with the all too familiar urge to vomit again. She was left alone in her room again. Then again, she was always alone. Nothing could fill the void that he left. She wondered if the piece of her that he took with him was doing any better.
With the inexplicable anxiety of the party looming ahead, Blair wished she could just purge her feelings. She would have done exactly that if Nate wasn't in the bathroom anymore. Now that half of her was still missing. And it was never coming back.